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This Week:
* RAP - Why tea is great 
* SONG - Made from *real* YouTube comments
* VID - Tetris the Movie!

________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |  "Celebrating 119.013698
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |  63013698630136986301369
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|  86301 years of Hitler"

B3ta email 325 - 25 Apr 2008

Read this issue in your browser:

  Prescott's Diet: [email protected]
 McKeith's Diet: [email protected]

  Paris must die

  Croissant? Check. Stripy shirt and beret?
  Check. 'The Idiot's Guide To Marcel Marceau'?
  Check. Suitable attire and equipment for
  combatting a monster hell-bent on destroying
  the city of Paris? Now why the Dickens would I
  need that?

  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want this space? Then talk to us.


  Tea, Comments, Cocks and Soap Opera Deaths

  >> Tea rap <<
  "Fill your cup with joy and dance till your
  tea-bags burst," bids Moog. It's an odd,
  extremely English rap about the wonders of tea.
  Very good indeed.

  >> The REAL YouTube comments song <<
  "I watched the song made up entirely from
  YouTube video comments that was posted in the
  newsletter last week," snarls mysticmurray. "I
  found it far too joyful, nice and unrealistic.
  So I made my own version." Yup, this is far
  more like the user comments we're used to.
  Wonder how long it will stay up on YouTube with
  that sort of language...

  >> The Web - with added cocks <<
  "My revolutionary program adds cocks to any
  website!" ejaculates cr3 joyfully. And there
  was universal rejoicing!

  >> 'Coffee and Croissants' <<
  "I made this vid of Tad remixing Madge Bishop's
  death scene for Harold," beams swedemason.
  "It's from a Neighbours deaths remix EP I made
  a while back. Other deaths included Todd
  Landers and the mighty Jim Robinson heart
  attack." Takes a little while to get going but
  is thoroughly peculiar.


  Kids say the cuntiest things

  Each week we collect your stories, anecdotes
  and lies into one handy place on the interweb.
  Last week we wanted your under-age lols.

  * RUDE KID - 'Possibly the funniest thing I
  ever heard about a kid comes from a colleague
  of mine. Imagine the scene: breakfast, about
  7am, mother and two-year-old son munching on
  their toast. All is quiet... no sound save the
  ticking of the clock. And then, apropos of
  absolutely nothing, junior speaks.
  "Yes, darling?"
  "CUNT."' (Orin)
  * JUNIOR DOGGING - 'My little lad was in the
  toddling stage. Now, I didn't know that he had
  learned how to climb out of his cot, but I
  found out one Sunday morning when I was
  enjoying my Sunday "lie in" with the Mrs. I was
  really getting into the swing of it, when the
  look of mild amusement on my Dearest's face
  turned into shocked horror, as my cherubic
  son's face appeared above my left shoulder, and
  said "Hooray!! Go faster Daddy!!" I put a lock
  on the bedroom door that afternoon.' (micmac)

  * DRIVING - "My 7 year old goddaughter... We
  were all gathered round her dad's car getting
  ready to leave, and she jumped in the driver's
  seat to pretend that she was the driver.
  Everyone sort of laughed and I said, "Go on,
  show us all how Daddy drives". She grabs the
  steering wheel, her face contorts into sudden
  hatred and anger and she screams,
  'Gerroutofthefuckingwayyoufuckingtwatwhycant -
  youfuckinglookwhereyourefuckinggoingyou -
  stupidcuntwhofuckingtaughtyoutodrivedidyou -
  seethatfuckingidiotcutmeuplikethatill -
  fuckingshowyouyoufuckingidiot,' then smiles and,
  happily kicking her little legs, toots the
  horn. Never laughed so much in my life." (I
  have run out of coke)

  >> This Week's Question <<
  When animals attack. Ok it's a bit SKY TV circa
  1999, but Murdoch knows best.


  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> Toys' inner robots <<
  Gallery of the peculiar machinery lurking under
  the fluff of those animated kids' toys. They
  bear little resemblance to the outer shell,
  although it's sometimes hard to decide which is
  the creepier. Barney the Dinosaur is a
  particularly good example.

  >> Dog-to-unicorn transformation kit <<
  Pretty much what it says in the title. It's the
  little hoof-shoes that make it for us.

  >> Hidden cock drawings <<
  That school rough-book classic, a crudely-drawn
  male member flimsily disguised as some other
  sort of doodle. In this case, you can press a
  button to reveal the rudeness underneath.
  Checking out this site while ordering pizza the
  other night led to Ginger Fuhrer Rob
  inadvertently barking, "Show me penis!" down
  the phone, which was highly mortifying. 

  >> Wikipedia edit map <<
  A world map that shows the location of page
  edits on wikipedia, almost in real time. A
  nerdy treat.


  When forums turn nasty...

  >> Did piracy kill Imagine? <<
  Bit of a long read but worth it if you're
  interested in the subject. Veteran games
  marketer Bruce Everiss's blog musings about the
  effects of computer game piracy spark a heated
  debate, as extremely well-informed readers
  move in to shoot him down.

  >> Hitchhiker's II game back story <<
  Data salvaged from a discarded hard drive
  reveals the scrambling and back-biting as the
  bottom fell out of Infocom's planned sequel its
  Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy game.
  Interestingly, people involved in the actual
  events pop up in the comments section to give
  their own take on it.


  Not just lols, we want to give you work

  >> Photoshop for the MI5 <<
  B3tards! Want to put your photoshopping skills
  to good use for queen and  country? Why not
  join the spooks and stick cocks on Muslims'
  heads for fun and profit!

  >> Sex-Worker Re-Entry Co-ordinator <<
  Who says working for the council is dull?
  Absolutely priceless.


  Can you get free cash or what?
   Last week we asked whether it was possible to
   rip off the bank by withdrawing money from a
   cash point, removing one of the notes and
   letting the machine swallow the rest back up.
   Caused a full mail bag, comments include:

    * STUDENT LOSER SAYS NO - "I did this a lot
    when I was a poor student about 12 years ago
    - but got stung big time. It is true that if
    you request £50, you can slip the middle note
    out (either a £10 or £20) and then wait a
    minute, before the cash is pulled back in and
    the withdrawal cancelled. The perfect crime,
    so I thought. Only I started to get greedy
    and do it to every ATM on the way home after
    nights out. I would be getting pissed and
    waking up with £50 more in my pockets than I
    went out with. This went on for about 6 weeks
    before the bank cottoned on and I suddenly
    found that about £800 vanished from my
    account overnight. I had already spent the
    cash, so was financially fucked for the rest
    of the term." (son of crazymum)
    * STAFFER SAYS NOT ANYMORE - "About a year
    ago I did a stint testing ATMs for the
    Halifax.  The banks got wise to that one a
    long time ago.  Any money you see gets
    debited, whether you take it or whether it
    returns inside for Howard to gleefully press
    against his lovely warm cockflaps."

    we'll quote this in full, "It is true than
    money is indeed retracted into a divert bin
    if it is not taken within a specified time.

    "In NCR (NDC+) and Diebold-based ATMs (the
    most popular message protocol by far), the
    ATM will deliver a status message to the host
    computer informing the host that a retract
    operation was performed.  However, the number
    of notes retracted is NOT reported and an
    automatic reversal of the transaction is not
    performed.  A bank clerk will open the divert
    cassette at the start of the next business
    day and record how many notes were retracted.

    "The bank's standpoint is that once the money
    is presented to you in the open air, that
    money is your responsibility.  If you do not
    take the money, and it is retracted, then you
    will need to pick up the matter with your
    bank in order to get the money back.  It is
    not automatically re-credited.

    "If the amount of your complaint agrees with
    the amount diverted to the divert cassette,
    and this agrees with the ATM reporting a
    retract at the correct date and time, then
    you will usually be credited.

   "If, however, you attempt to remove one note
   from the bundle of notes, and they are
   retracted -- then you subsequently try to
   claim the full amount back -- you will (at
   best) be only credited with the number of
   notes which were retracted, or (at worst) be
   prosecuted for attempted fraud." (Cheerful
   Attic Spider, B3ta user and Product
   development director for ACI Worldwide,
   developer of BASE24, the world leader in ATM
   transaction processing software.)


  VHS or B3tamax?
  >> Tetris The Movie  <<
  It's a genuinely brilliant gag, not just
  because the concept of a Tetris movie is funny,
  but because these guys have nailed the precise
  approach Hollywood would take. From the
  portentous narration ("Life is just...
  blocks... trying to fit together to make
  lines... and that's... who we are."), to the
  cheesy futurism, to the hilarious
  reconceptualisation of Tetris as an extreme
  sport, to the scene where an impressive new
  competitor takes off his helmet to reveal that
  he is a she, it's perfect, and totally
  familiar. Not to mention the fact that it gets
  the trailer format down pat: the text appearing
  as Russian before turning into English, the
  generic rock soundtrack, the triumphant last
  Tetris drop followed by the title screen - it's
  an almost transcendent parody. (Thanks to
  Helmsdeep for this more analytical write up
  than usual.)

  >> Vote Zippy for London Mayor <<
  Here at B3ta HQ we make no apologies for our
  love of Ken and loathing of Boris. Most of this
  is based on our liking for buses and on Boris's
  silly, posh voice and wanker's haircut. We must
  confess that we hadn't really listened to any
  of their speeches as intently as when they were
  turned into puppets. Fat, pink, bumbling Boris
  becomes fat, pink, bumbling George, the Lib Dem
  one becomes Bungle while Ken becomes Zippy and
  gets the best lines. Weirdly, of course, this
  also makes Jeremy Paxman into Geoffrey.

  >> Human Tetris <<
  The second Tetris link and this one is by the
  French. We've seen a lot of video game stop
  motion stuff, but this is a particularly fine
  example. And all the more surprising, coming as
  it does from the nation known for eating
  horses, wearing berets and worst of all, mime.

  >> Exorcist spiderwalk <<
  Pretty much doing what it says on the tin, and
  not something to try at home unless you're bit
  of a amateur gymnast. We don't want to be
  responsible for the premature deaths of any
  internet fatties trying to recreate this.

  >> Cockatoo Dancing <<
  Backstreet Boys, according to wikipedia (and we
  just had to check), are still a going concern.
  So here's hoping that they sign up our
  feathered friend for the next world tour. And
  don't be surprised if their rider includes a
  box of trill, a cuttle-fish and a mirror with
  bells on.


  Now featuring 'things that look like cocks quarterly'

  * YET ANOTHER PHALLIC LOGO  - a great new
  entry, complete with hands that lovingly cup
  the shaft.

  * YET ANOTHER PHALLIC LOGO #2 - it would be
  amiss to not mention this governmental stickman
  wanking off, which has been sent in about 50
  times to b3ta, 5 times to your Ginger Fuhrer's
  personal inbox and has even been stalking us on
  facebook / twitter et al. 


  Results from the Beatles Challenge

  Last week we wanted you to manipulate The
  Your favourites included:
  * DANCE DANCE REVOLUTION #9 - look at the
  little fellows move! (Caustic Armadillo)

  * TWO VIRGINS - appalling yet strangely alluring
  sex-swap travesty (M3Essential)

  * TOES - we think Paul is the second one from
  the right, but we're not sure (rjmrjm)

  All these images, and the highest as voted by
  you can be found here:

  >> New challenge: Extreme Gladiators <<
  They're bringing back Gladiators and spicing it
  up with new challenges, more spandex etc. What
  could they do to *really* amp it up? Challenge
  suggested by kenriise.


  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * PENIS LAMP SHADE - Josh04 ejaculates, "One of
  my mates held a particularly decadent party a
  few months ago, and was most unsettled when he
  woke up in the morning (two days later) and
  found that someone had drawn a large cock
  across his light-bulb, rather effectively
  projecting it onto his wall. He never did find
  out who'd done it." We blame b3tards.

  Rushy splutters through full-fat foam, "I think
  Starbucks probably clinch it as you get free
  sugar. Once you've bought the coffee with the
  highest calorific value, just nick all the
  sugar and boost your calories even further!"
  Yes, Rushy, but in MaccyD's you can get
  unlimited free ketchup. And special mayo if you
  ask nicely.

  * PILLOW STAIN ANALYSIS, SexualCarrots writes,
  "A bed saleswoman once told me the stains on
  your pillows are from your sweat mixing with
  dust mite poo." Whilst therealwtf counters
  with, "Your sweat and drool turns brown due to
  the zillions of bacteria and creatures which
  live in the pillow and eat said sweat/drool and
  leave behind residue."


  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * MILKY DUCK - we invented a cocktail for
  tramps earlier this week, based upon what we
  were buying from Coop. Containing both milk and
  toilet duck, we'd like you to have a go, take
  photos but possibly not drink it. Unless you
  want to score maximum points that is.

  consumers have recently been offered square
  watermelons, grown in glass boxes. Surely YOU
  could do better? Cock-shaped bananas? Carrots
  with tits? Pumpkins with built-in faces for
  * SEXY WOMEN TO GIVE US MONEY - oops, sorry,
  caught us day-dreaming again.

  Send contributions via the mail form.

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


  Subscribe:  [email protected]
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  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
  Stevenson. Stuff sent in by gronkpan, Chopper3,
  keepbritaintidy, thefoggypoo, lilsinister,
  seekew, centurion_07, zh84, bobloblaw,
  communiq-8, adm105 Subjlols via The Great
  Architect. Masthead minilol via Cockweasle.
  Additional linkage and image challenge by
  Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. WOO
  to b4ta. 

  If your little brother is doing his 'oh so
  important' GCSE coursework... Access the
  autocorrect function in Word, and replace
  "Analysis" with "Anal Sex". 9 times out of 10
  they won't notice until they've handed it in.


  My mate Sid was a victim of ID theft. He's
  just called S now.	

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