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This Week:
* BEN WHEATLEY - Interviewed by YOU
* STOP MOTION - John Carpenter tribute
* LOLS - Worst Captchas of All Time 

________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |      
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |    "We're making rubbish
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|       lols... together"

B3ta email 342 - 22 Aug 2008

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     Nice people:  [email protected]
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  Missed out on office fantasy football this season?

  Don't worry - thanks to Virgin Media Sport's
  unique warm-up period there's still plenty of
  time to enter. Prizes include TVs, consoles,
  computers, gadgets, iPods, stereos, cameras,
  camcorders, toys, adventures, Aston Martin race
  day, sweets and beer. And it’s completely free.

  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want this space? Then talk to us.


  TV, Otters and French pop music

  >> Ben Wheatley interview <<
  All your questions were given to our very own
  Ben Wheatley this week and he answered pretty
  much every one of them. If you do nothing else
  this week we highly recommend getting yourself
  to iPlayer on the BBC site and checking out
  his show 'The Wrong Door'. There's loads of
  excellent clips knocking about. Personal
  favourite? The Booze Fairies. BTW: Why the odd
  title? Ben found the sprawling BBC offices
  confusing and kept entering the wrong door.
  And not a reference to backdoor love at all.
  Like you thought.

  >> Amphibious, fish-eating ROCK AND FUCKING ROLL <<
  Mike Fishcake writes to say, "We have made a
  very, very silly new short video (just over one
  minute long), dedicated to two of the best
  things in the world; Heavy Metal and Otters."
  We like, we like muchly.

  >> Cyriak does French pop <<
  "In case anyone was wondering what I've been up
  to", writes Cyriak AKA Mutated Monty AKA Mr C
  Harris (to the tax man that is), "This is a music
  video I made recently. It's for some French
  band I never heard of." Fantastic stuff, as per
  usual, and a higher female leg count than
  Robert Palmer's Addicted To Love. 


  Thrown Away

  We wanted to hear about the stuff you've loved
  and lost. 

  * INNOCENCE - "You might think that alcohol is
  a wonderful thing. I used to too. However, I
  was forced to changed my opinion about that one
  late evening in the autumn of 2006. I was
  living, after the disastrous breakdown of a
  relationship, with my Mum back in Essex. By
  strange coincidence, my mother’s marriage had
  fallen apart at pretty much the same time. We
  were sitting in the garden, drinking a huge
  bottle of Bacardi between us. Shakily, she sat
  forward. Solemnly, she placed her glass on the
  table, and fixed me with one of her crystal
  gazes. “D’you wanna know something?” She
  slurred, her eyes crossing slightly. "I’ve
  never had an orgasm.” One second after this
  gargantuan bombshell had been dropped, and I
  was stone-cold sober. And, for the first time
  in my short but colourful life, speechless. But
  she wasn’t finished yet. “I was married to to
  to him for TEN YEARS, and I could count the
  amount of times we had sex on one hand. Three
  times I’ve been married. THREE. TIMES. And the
  nearest I got to sexual gra... gratifi...
  gratification was driving on the rumble strips
  on the way to Tesco.” After that, she collapsed
  into mumbling. I retired to bed, shell-shocked.
  We have never spoken of it again. Until, that
  is, she enthusiastically told me that she’s
  never had it so good, or so often, as she has
  with her new man. So, good for them."

  * MEMORY - "I recall remembering Christmases
  long past, which once rewarded me with the sort
  of foggy-edged softness that reminded me of
  warm jumpers, fairy lights, The Wizard of Oz
  and the delightful suspense of discovering
  exactly what was hiding within the gift
  wrapping, bearing my name on a hand-written tag.
  Instead I now see them, sensing the
  barely-contained paternal rage waiting for its
  moment to burst forth, the glue of fear being
  applied to ensure the family did exactly as we
  were told. The cold disinterest from my father,
  who'd turn on me with unrestrained rage should
  I dare interrupt him from his peanuts, sweets
  and the running commentary as he indulged us
  all the enjoyment of the 1950s musicals on
  television. I'm sure I remember the joy of
  opening many, many presents bearing my name,
  discovering that inside each one was a model
  railway locomotive or scale rolling stock. How
  lucky I was to receive so many gifts like this!
  I was extremely fortunate. Yet today, it's
  tinged with bitterness that unwrapping the
  boxes was as close as my father allowed me to
  get to his trains before they were carried up
  into the loft, never to be seen again. I was
  merely an excuse for him to justify spending a
  small fortune on himself."(PJM)

  >> This Week's Question <<
  Are you gullible? There's £50 for every story


  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> Photoshop in your browser <<
  Everything these days wants to work as a web
  application, and there's been numerous attempts
  at getting a photo editor to work in the
  browser. Pixlr is the best we've seen so far -
  it's pleasing to use from the first click. Buy
  them, Adobe, before we do. Well, assuming they'd
  consider our offer of £5 and go on the wife.

  >> Collective Nouns <<
  A mainstay of every conversation with cunts:
  the collective noun. Here's an authoritative
  guide from the Wikipedians, who can only be
  saluted for including "a mimsy of birds", "a
  trades union of chinchillas" and "A paradise
  of elephants". None of these could possibly be
  in any way "a buttload of crap."
http://snipurl.com/aloadofrubbish  [en_wikipedia_org] 

  >> Dogs With Tits <<
  Clairywoowoo writes to us with the request, "Mr
  Perry needs all our help in his Dogs With Tits
  campaign." Apparently Mr Perry photoshopped
  some ladynorks onto a doggy he found on the
  interweb. The dog owner then demands the swift
  removal of the offending breasticular photo,
  and Perry is hoping that the internets will
  support him and replicate the canine with cans
  all over the entire twatosphere. The rights and
  wrongs of this particular case maybe should be
  presented to the Electronic Frontier
  Foundation, or at the very least, The Web
http://snipurl.com/tittydog  [bpperry3_blogspot_com] 

  >> Public loo map <<
  Speaking as keen public shitters - our
  favourite places to take a sneaky dump include
  the obvious: McDonalds, and the less so: The
  Waterstones by Piccadilly Circus. Some Google
  Maps wizardry here to allow all the greatest
  poo places to be scored via GPRS on your mobile
  phone. Sadly only works in the USA, so we
  mention it in the hope that scat-friendly UK
  developers get on the job.

  >> Worst Captchas of All Time <<
  Entering the oft lol-free-zone of Powerpoint
  presentations is a collection of all those
  phrases websites force you type to prove
  you're not a spambot. Sounds dull but it wrung
  a chortle from this joke-weary team.

  >> Printing 3D <<
  3D is a curse that's killing our culture.
  First our platform games were destroyed, then
  our films were ruined with crappy glasses. And
  now the humble HP Laserjet is being replaced
  by a website that prints your letters to mum
  as 3D robots. If you can't wade through our
  confusing jokes to understand what we're
  really on about then we'll put it simply: make
  a 3d model, upload it to site, pay money, get
  object in the post. Awesome. We're sending
  them our cocks. Hope they scale up well.
  Nothing worse than penis jaggies.


  Pixar has nothing on cameraphone lols

  >> Stop-motion The Thing <<
  Shot-for-shot remakes with kids' toys are always
  a winner for the blokey audience. It says love,
  it says obsession, and most of all it says
  "please click me, I'm on the internet."
http://snipurl.com/thingything  [www_bamkapow_com] 

  >> Inappropriate kitten <<
  Comedy basics 101: All TV is funnier with a
  random cat inserted, especially if it's eating

  >> Banana explosions <<
  Art? Performance theatre? Viral marketing for a
  banana manufacturer? All we know is that you,
  yes you, need to see this clip. You'll feel
  stupider for it.  

  >> How wet can you get? <<
  Possibly a contender for funny name corner,
  this new toy for kids has a paedo-friendly
  tagline that will make the very edges of your
  mouth form into the smallest of smiles before
  you click onto the next link.


  Mostly cocks, much like the B3ta staff
  >> Koch Cancer Research <<
  It's the cancer we most fear. Thank goodness
  it's being dignified with the researchers'
  attention it deserves.

  >> Yoshie Takeshita <<
  Cripes. We almost had a Pavlovian reaction when
  her surname unexpectedly popped up on screen
  during the Olympics volleyball.
http://snipurl.com/piccypicwoowoo  [farm4_static_flickr_com] 

  >> The D stands for 'dick' <<
  Poor old SunnyD. Wounded by the backlash
  against their delicious artificial beverage
  they're giving a big 'fuck you' to the world.
  Just look at the outline of their logo...

  >> Phallic FFF <<
  "I noticed my local chip shop is a member of
  the Federation of Fish Friers," informs Matt
  Woodwose. "Which is fine, except I'm not sure
  how their logo is related to fish frying."
  Indeed not - it's a big, hairy cock.


  Results from the Sad Challenge

  Last week we wanted to see the saddest 
  picture in the world, ever.

  Your favourites included:
  * OVERHEARD -  the saddest picture in the
    world, ever (Kris Fucking Kristofferson)

  * REFLECTION - the second saddest picture
    in the world, ever (Zac McFlimby)

  * BUNNY - the third saddest picture in the
    world, ever (WiL)

    All these images, and the highest as
    voted by you can be found here:

  >> New challenge: Robots in History <<
  Images of the Hadrian's Wall-building 
  robot, medieval jousting engines, the 
  great Titanic sinking machine, showerbots 
  from WWII... Robots, in history. Do it 
  now! Challenge suggested by HappyToast


  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * JOEL'S ALBUM WINNERS - Well done to Joel and
  the Seven seconds of Love boys. 'Danger is
  Dangerous' absolutely dominated Amazon's ska
  sales chart and rolled up to number 99 in the
  sales list of all music ever. Nice one! Eager
  b3tards have been drafting limericks all week.
  Kudos to Colonel Dracula, Empress BobFossil,
  masakatsu and supersam11 - signed discs in the
  post to you all. First prize has to go to ccc
  for his profane cock-and-vicar-themed cycle of
  five poems:

  * CYRIAK'S BEARD IN AD - Longtime b3tard and
  peculiar creative Cyriak recently noticed an
  unlikely similarity between his little
  animation of Charles Darwin's beard and a new
  ad campaign for McDonalds. Take a look - seems
  rather close for coincidence.

  * KETTLE vs. HOB vs. MICROWAVE - RobNob
  suggests roping the trusty radioactive kitchen
  helper into our ongoing 'best way to boil
  water' debate. "I would do it myself," he
  apologises, "But I don't have a microwave safe
  thermometer (if such a thing exists)."

  * WAR ON TERROR GIVEAWAY - The other weekend
  saw Andy Sheerin and crew handing out loads of
  free copies of their game outside the Virgi...
  er, Zavvi on Tottenham Court Road. They were
  actually games that Zavvi had ordered and paid
  for but decided not to stock through fear of
  controversy. Happy 'War on Terror' recipients
  were then encouraged to take a trip through the
  store and thank the staff.


  Spin the 3D Objects

  Here's a novel idea: rotate the object to find
  the correct viewing angle to reveal the 2D
  shape. It's all about perspective innit?

  >> Win £5k for creating a flash game <<
  Our tutorial stuff continues with "how to cheat
  at graphics" where we reveal the secrets of the
  Illuminati. Remember - it's a BIG FUCKING
  PRIZE. Well £5k is better than jack-shit anyway.



  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  round with a video camera and record people's
  reactions. (We're not brave enough to do this
  ourselves, but it would be dreadfully

  * LEGO WATERING CAN - will it hold water? Will
  the plants die? Of lego poisoning? 

  managed a few cm. Can you do better?

  Send contributions via the mail form.

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


  Subscribe:  [email protected]
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  This issue was written by Rob "Pathetic Ginger
  Syndrome" Manuel with David Stevenson. Stuff
  sent in by Darren S, PyroTyger, wizzard419.
  Additional linkage and image challenge by
  Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
  Subjlol via daoiale.

  Condoms with anaesthetic cream on the outside
  can be worn inside-out so as to avoid
  disturbing your sleeping partner. (Humpty
  Dumpty was Pushed)


  Jade Goody has cancer, and she claims that she
  is worried that hair loss might ruin her looks.
  Nice to see she hasn't lost her sense of humour.

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