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This Week:
* EVIL - Snurl for cunts
* SPASTIC SOCIETY - 1970s Xmas stickers
* QUESTION - Your age-gap sex stories (eeep!)

________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |  "We're getting Christmas
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |  Cards from Jonathan King    
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|       ... together"

B3ta email 357 - 5 Dec 2008 

Official Ginger Fuhrer Birthday web edition:

         Tits:  [email protected]
    Anti-tits:  [email protected]

  Cash for YOUR viral ideas

  We viral advertising whores have convinced a
  big fancy company that putting money into
  making exactly what the internet wants would be
  a good thing for them (woohoo).  So our
  question is this:  what should we make with the
  money? What would you make if you had hundreds
  of thousands of lovely pounds to spend?  Send
  suggestions to:
  [email protected]. 

  We'll pay £500 for any idea used and you get to
  see it made.  Ta.  

  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want this space? Then talk to us.


  Lots of bollocks you to wobble

  >> Snurl for cunts <<
  This nasty little tool allows you to replace
  harmless words and phrases with horrid, twisted
  drips of poison on the destination page of any
  website. Props to irberry for creating the
  potential to cause endless mischief.

  And here's one we made earlier:

  >> Repellent pig's head cookery <<
  Sharcore writes: "On Saturday we cooked and ate
  the head of a pig. It was very tasty, but a
  touch glutinous, particularly the snout. It's a
  fine meal in these testing economic times, if
  you can stomach it  - the whole head cost
  £3.80" It looks disgusting but the photos are
  kind of interesting.

  >> Xmas Spackattack <<
  Lucky dngdng found these rather fantastic Xmas
  stickers while rooting through his parent's
  lofts. Treasure from a more innocent age.

  >> The truth about secret Santa <<
  Everyone knows secret Santa is shit. Bangbang's
  parody of Boots annoying Christmas ad is so on
  the money. 

  >> Amazon FTW <<
  A bit geeky but a fun bit of one-upmanship that
  will make recession-hit web developers rofl
  themselves silly.



  Cringe-worthy antics from b3tards? No, surely
  you jest? Whatever. Clicky for comedy gold:

  * LICKY LICKY - "About 10 years ago, at the
    dentist's, I was laying in the chair staring
    at the ceiling whilst he was using his
    instruments of torture in my mouth. After a
    while I noticed that there was something in
    my mouth between my bottom teeth and my lip.
    Thinking it was an absorbent swab thingy, I
    prodded it for a minute or two with my tongue.
    It seemed too smooth for a swab, so I explored
    it thoroughly with my tongue. Then it dawned
    on me.. It was his latex glove-covered thumb.
    I'd been laying there apparently trying to
    pleasure his finger for the last couple of
    minutes..." (mugwump)
  * SHAVING - "So I'm sixteen years old. The
    girlfriend has come around to my place for the
    day, the folks and the sister are out and the
    afternoon is ripe for lovin' -- or at least,
    kissin' and some awkward groping. But something
    is wrong. From the moment the ladyfriend walked
    in the door, she seemed a little nervous, a
    little... distracted. After I realised something
    was up, I asked her what was the matter. She
    refused to tell me. We played that game for a
    while - What'swrongnothingreallyyesyousureyesoh,
    but I eventually manage to get it out of her.
    In a quiet, delicate voice, quite unlike
    anything I've ever heard before, she comes out
    with: "I've... you know... *shaved*." For some
    reason, my mind doesn't quite catch on, so I
    respond with, "Wow... Well, I have to say, it
    looks a lot better. I didn't want to mention
    anything, but I'd definitely noticed a little
    bit of fuzz there." All the while, I'm gesturing
    to her top lip. The lip that, in fact, was not
    one of those she was referring to. There was to
    be no more fumbling that day; it took three hours
    to get her to even speak to me." (Ellinikos)
  * PUT THEM AWAY - "PhD, year two. Went to the lab
    wearing fetching black shirt with popper
    fastenings down the front. To protect said shirt,
    slipped on lab coat, with popper fastenings down
    the front. The eagle-eyed amongst you may be able
    to spot where this is going. Tea break rolls
    around and, being the attention seeking little
    sausage I am, I ran to the door of the lab, faced
    my lab mates and pretended to rip off my lab coat,
    a la Clark Kent ripping off his shirt to reveal
    underneath the fabled "S". What I actually did
    was grab both sets of poppers by mistake, rip them
    open and reveal my tits in a grubby, greying bra
    with the underwiring poking out. I think if you
    look up the word "fuckwit" in the dictionary,
    there may be a little picture of me next to it."

  >> This Week's Question <<
  Cougars and Sugar Daddies. When there's a huge age
  gap and you're shagging, things are never simple:


  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> "Me and Iron Man" <<
  The unlikely story of a bloke who wound up
  getting his Flickr pic into the recent Iron Man
  film. We're actually a little bit jealous.

  >> Pushpin Mario <<
  Excellent mosaic of the dashing plumber - made
  entirely by sticking pins in a wall.

  >> Wikipedia wtf lists <<
  Wouldn't Wikipedia make a smashing
  Christmas tie-in book? Here's a couple of the
  kind of pages that would make it a great
  stocking filler. BTW: Who would have guessed
  that Napoleon was, in fact, taller than average?

  >> Emergency call transcripts <<
  Calling 999 is always a dramatic treat. Sadly,
  when you have to do it yourself you're too
  preoccupied to really appreciate it. Here are
  some transcripts of actual emergency calls. 

  >> Emily Strange vs Nate the Great <<
  Goth merchandising phenomenon Emily Strange
  owes a great deal to past-time children's
  favourite Nate the Great. Check out the
  side-by-side comparison. Hard not to see a

  >> Nice t-shirt designs <<
  Some clever and pretty t-shirt designs. We were
  particularly struck by the scowling Thomas the
  Tank Engine transformer.

  >> Belly love <<
  Musician's fans express solidarity with their
  pot-bellied icon by sending in pictures of
  their own proud tummies. Stick it to the man!

  >> 45 vintage visions of the future <<
  Cover art from old editions of Popular
  Mechanics, showing how they thought the future
  was going to be - from 1951 onwards. We are
  eagerly awaiting the delivery of our robotic
  Christmas tree decorators. 

  >> Hideous gourmet foods <<
  People really do eat the most hideous things
  and the worse it is the more they insist it's a
  'delicacy'. A large proportion of these are
  French. But then we suspect a similar list done
  in France would stick in stuff like Scotch Eggs
  and Pepperami.

  >> Ladykeyboard <<
  It's a pink computer keyboard with the
  'useless' keys being given a 'fun makeover'. 
  "There is nothing else like this currently on
  the market," proudly boast the manufacturers.
  Probably quite usable - those keys really are

  >> The End <<
  A large collection of "The End" movie title
  cards. Interesting how there are so many
  different ways of saying the same thing. Made
  us want to go off and watch a load of vintage



  >> Chilly kitty <<
  Newborn kitten enjoys a light dusting of snow.
  News channels take note - you should always
  present the weather forecast via a tiny
  animal's reaction to it.

  >> 'Hotdog' lol <<
  It's his trusting obliviousness that makes this
  little dachshund-in-a-bun so adorable.


  Stuff to spam your mum with

  >> Animals sing Merry Christmas <<
  B3ta-friendly animals singing Jona Lewie's Stop
  the Cavalry? What are the BBC up to?

  >> Kittens on a slide <<
  "Similar to kittens on a treadmill," writes
  witty_ditty, "these kittens, much like salmon,
  attempt to brave the vertical."

  >> Tilt shift monster trucks <<
  Every few weeks a technique sweeps the internet
  and everyone who's anyone has a go - currently
  it's using weird lenses (or a bit of blurring and
  ramping up the saturation) to make real world
  footage look like toys.

  >> Macy's Day Rickrolled by Rick <<
  "I swear life is getting too surreal," writes
  J-Rod, and he's right you know.

  >> Sex Pistols sung by UK Politicos << 
  "If you're desperate for the newsletter,"
  informs Brian Millar, "there's a new
  Gordo/Camero mashup online." Heh, underselling
  is the new selling.


  We'd rather get AIDS than run this crap

  * IT WOULD BE UNCHARITABLE to laugh at Horn

  * WANKKING HAMSTER - racetraitor spluffs, "So
  you want phallic roller coasters? Get a load of
  this one I found at Okpo Land in South Korea."

 * PEOPLE CALLED PORNTIP - it's a real name you



  Results from the Xmas Card Compo

  Last week we wanted you to make us some Xmas
  cards we could send to our dead grandparents .

  Your favourites included:
  * CREDIT CRUNCH CHRISTMAS - alliteration and
  swearing. A double win for mofaha. 

  * JESUS CRADLES BOOZE - yep, pretty much how we
  feel in the holidays. And work days too. Thanks
  Joe Scaramanga.

  * SANTA VS PYLON - well, Santa isn't going to
  win is he? (The Twisted Omentum)

  All these images, and the highest as voted by
  you can be found here:

  >> New challenge: Anagram Photoshops <<
  Funeral? Real fun. Robert DeNiro? Nerdier
  Robot. Kylie Minogue? I Like Em Young. Take a
  phrase or celebrity name, work out a really
  good anagram, and then photoshop the result.


  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * GRIPEY TWATS - Sea Tramp moans, "Pedantry,
  I'm afraid. But I've held my piece for more
  than two years now, and just can't hold it any
  longer. My hand's seizing up. A stock phrase on
  the newsletter template that hasn't changed
  since I signed up: 'All these images, and the
  highest as voted by you can be found here:' 
  Please, please correct it. Highest image? Uh?
  Best? Most popular? Favourite? Least utterly
  gash? Are we voting for a 'high' image? No.
  It'd take very little effort to change this,
  and - you never know - it might just save one
  man from a needless nervous breakdown." Heh -
  now we know it's annoying we're never going to
  change it.  We're petty - that's how we roll.

  * RANDOM LIBEL - boyo81 gets us into legal
  trouble with, "I can't tell you how disturbing
  it was to see the 'miming album covers' link in
  the latest newsletter. Not because of the link
  itself but rather the guy doing the mimes. He
  is called Matt and he used to stalk my sister
  for several years, even going as far as
  submitting a story to the publishing house she
  works for based on his life so far with her as
  a prominent love interest. Maybe this is a very
  odd way of continuing the stalking, as he knows
  she is a long time b3tan, But I hope to God
  it's just a horrible coincidence... He is a
  very strange fellow."

  * MORE TOAST BOLLOCKS - pgm28 mimbles, "I
  didn't write in last week about cooking things
  in the toaster because I thought that thousands
  of people would write in with the same answer,
  but apparently I was wrong. You can buy neat
  little things called Toastabags
  (www.toastabags.com) which allow you to cook
  quite literally anything in a toaster -
  burgers, chicken nuggets, eggs, bacon, you name
  it... I once used one to heat up a can of soup
  - great stuff! Every student should be issued
  one by the government."

  * TAKING THE PISS - nick-brown gushes, " Saw
  your question in the newsletter but one but
  quite frankly was too fucking lazy to write in.
   Anyway as the topic was progressing, I thought
  I'd provide you with the definitive insight. A
  teacher at school once told me that he and has
  mates at university had pondered this very
  question (I reckon this was back in the '70's
  so it would appear you've been asking one of
  life's eternal questions) and decided to answer
  it, being scientific types.  Consequently the 4
  of them considerately spent an extended evening
  in the pub, drinking as much as possible and
  every trip to the bog included carrying a
  number of pint glasses with them.  Apparently
  from the extensive data gleaned they were able
  to state that (unsurprisingly, given that beer
  is a diuretic) for every pint you drink, you
  piss 1 and a quarter pints.  This has informed
  my drinking/water management levels ever since
  and I pass this knowledge on in the hope that
  it will likewise help many of your readers."

  * WE LOVE DURAN DURAN - brixton bruxelles
  lovingly types, "In this week's newsletter, you
  asked for a Duran Duran song parody, so I'm
  sending you this abomination I created called
  'Goats on Film'" Actually this is rather long
  so here's a remix with just the lines that made
  us giggle:

  "See them trotting hoof to hoof
  across the bridge at midnight
  Goats on Film (trotting together)
  Goats on Film (you want to mate her)"


  I made this. You play this. We are enemies.

  In a title weirdly reminiscent of the Manic
  Street Preachers, "This is my truth, tell me
  yours" comes a game that makes less sense than
  your Ginger Fuhrer after a night on the
  heroins. And much like opiates, it is good, oh
  so good.



  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * INTERNET VOLUME MIXER - we're eternally
  frustrated by having to turn iTunes on and off
  as internet videos demand our attention. Can
  someone write a hack that mixes the music down
  and back up automatically?

  video to send new home owners featuring a house
  that starts dancing and shouting "h-h-h-h
  house!" in a Paul Hardcastle stutter stylee.

  just a personal request.

  Send contributions via the mail form.

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


  Subscribe:  [email protected]
  Unsubscribe:  [email protected]


  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
  Stevenson. Stuff sent in by The G, funkenstein,
  tubaman, Leo Panthera, ZombieSheep, cszbinden,
  harry kumquat, carly291287  and heliopod. Top
  Tippery by Brandy Bolland Additional linkage
  and image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike
  Trinder is QOTW bloke.


  Keep a Gameboy handy in the bathroom for
  leisurely shits.


  A little bit of Monica on the floor...
  A little bit of Jessica on the steps....
  Mumbai No 5.

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