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This Week:
* MUSIC - Jeremy Clarkson beatbox
* INTERVIEW - Kunt speaks
* PICS - Obama + unicorns

________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |      "We're are the
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |       web... We are the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|           children"

B3ta email 389 - 31 Jul 2009

Read this issue again slowly:

       Ribena:  [email protected]
  Human Blood:  [email protected]

  Meet Richard Conway.

  He has just been informed he has officially won
  the position of Globe Trotter for
  lastminute.com. His job? To travel the world
  across 8 different continents. His task? To
  blog about it. Easy? We think so. Jealous?
  Definitely. Check out his travel musings this

  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want this space? Then talk to us.


  Clarkson, Kunt & 70s Tampons

  >> Clarkson Beatbox <<
  "I made Clarkson into a musical instrument,"
  brags an exhausted Swede Mason. "Making this
  nearly drove me mental." If this doesn't make
  you smile then you  are dead in side. Dead!

  >> Kunt & the Gang <<
  B3ta's long-awaited interview with the
  gold-toothed Essex ubermensch is ready to read.
  He's taken the time to come up with some good
  retorts to our silly questions.

  >> Period Piece <<
  Something of a coup for betamalespicnic with
  this recently-discovered roll of film from the
  shoot of a 1973 commercial for Flovia Tampons.


  Ready Steady Microwave
  The latest in our elite stream of games made by
  b3tans for e4. Monkeon challenges you to guess
  what kind of ready-meal you're looking at, from
  a close-up of the actual package contents.
  Gruesome but fun.


  Are you scared of the dark?

  Each week we collect your stories, anecdotes
  and lies into one handy place on the interweb.
  Last week we asked about darkness and hope you
  wouldn't make rubbish puns that finished with
  the line, "I believe in a thing called love."

  B3TA - "We had only a couple of hours in which
  to see Dylan at the funeral home before the
  coffin had to be closed. Everyone who could be
  there looked at his handsome face for the last
  time and left in tears. He was so young.

  "I stayed a long time, ruffling his hair and
  telling him that I loved him and was not angry
  with him. His hair was the longest I'd ever
  seen it - he was growing it, it seems, for the
  first time.

  "After a while, I realised that I was still
  there because I couldn't leave. I couldn't
  leave him alone there without anyone he loved
  to hold his hand or whisper that it was all
  right, I'm here and you're safe.

  "This was a problem which I needed to solve. So
  I called Rob the funeral director in and
  explained, and he understood.

  "Dylan was never afraid of the dark as a child
  - well, a little, but he was very brave - so I
  kissed and hugged him for a last time, then
  stood by the door and said, goodnight Dyl, I'll
  see you in the morning, and Rob put out the
  lights, one by one, just on cue. I couldn't see
  Dylan any more then and quietly closed the door
  and tiptoed away, just as when he was a little
  boy." (Juan Quar) (We feel sad now, gosh.)

  * TESCO VALUE STAR WARS - "I love driving in
  the dark when it's snowing. I pretend I am in
  the Millennium Falcon." (scarpe)

  * GOOD PRANK - "After spending a lovely boozy
  night out with my friend Ana we had made it
  back to her flat in a bit of a silly mood.

  "Zigzagging up her garden path Ana was at the
  front door struggling with her keys while I
  wandered up to the living room window and spied
  her hubby and his mates all crashed out on the
  sofas watching a film.
  "I noticed what they were watching on the TV,
  it was The Ring. Ahaahahahaaaaa thought I –
  bloody brilliant! Seeing as I had seen the film
  already I knew roughly how far they were into
  it and I realised that in about 5 minutes time
  the phone would ring on the screen. I rummaged
  crazily for my mobile whilst filling in Ana on
  my dastardly plan.

  "The second the phone appeared on the screen
  and we could just about hear it ringing through
  the window I frantically rang Ana’s other half
  and we prayed that he had his mobile phone near
  him… he did. We watched with glee as all the
  guys started giggling nervously and pointed at
  his phone. He picked it up, pressed the call
  button and I put on my best spooky voice and
  whispered ‘In seven days you will die’ I then
  hung up the phone and me and Ana threw
  ourselves against the window in unison, scaring
  the shit out of every guy in the room and
  making them produce high pitch squeals that
  would make a 4 year-old girl proud!!

  "It goes down in history as being the most
  successful prank I have every played to this
  day and if mentioned around the boys it always
  receives the same response – ‘we knew it was
  you, I wasn’t scared’… sure, sure! Mwah ha
  haaaa!" (Flim-Flam the Magnificent)

  >> This Week's Question <<
  This week we'd like to thank John Warburton
  (look him up on Wikipedia) who suggested
  "mobile phone disasters."


  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> When bitter creatives make websites <<
  Anyone who has a boss should be able to relate
  to this extraordinarily-detailed and accurate
  depiction of the crap you have to put up when
  you submit your work at a digital agency.
  Would-be bosses: Know when to leave your
  subordinates' work alone.

  >> Obama with unicorns <<
  Unicorns are a bit memey on the old internets,
  shorthand for twee mentalism. They're all the
  better for accompanying a rather homoerotic
  President Obama. We wonder how many people have
  tweeted this to the Prez already? Maybe he's
  looking at this page right now on his
  Blackberry? And wanking.

  >> Top ten most racist toys <<
  The film Ghost World first alerted us to the
  intriguing history of racist art. This lead us
  to brief googling obsession that unearthed such
  gems as Walt Disney's "Song of the South"
  reviled for the "impression it gives of an
  idyllic master-slave relationship". Did you
  know the first box office smash to earn $10m
  was the KKK celebration "Birth of a
  Nation." On a similar tip comes this list of
  kiddies' toys - bonus points for the Chinese
  'chop suey' glasses. Is it racist if they're
  made in China?

  >> Every bugger's farted <<
  The secret of great websites isn't what you
  make, it's what you select. Case in point:

  >> Hannah Montana's linux distro <<
  Remember Britney Spears' Guide to Semiconductor
  Physics? The "girlie popstar + geeky thing" joke
  is back and this time it's very lightly
  customised Miley Cyrus version of Ubuntu. You
  might like to try a variation of this joke
  yourself, say Lindsay Lohan's ZX Spectrum

  >> Best of Wikipedia <<
  We enjoy nothing better than fishing out odd
  facts on wikipedia to feel really clever, like
  we could go on QI and win - assuming Stephen
  Fry let us look up every answer on our phones.
  Here's some great starting points tho:


  Imagine youtube died and only left 6 vids

  >> Cat animation <<
  Simon's Cat is a series of animations drawn by
  Simon Tofield. We've featured them before, but
  there's a new one and it's completely
  wonderful. Simon has a book coming out and, to
  be honest, we wouldn't be surprised if there
  won't be a film or a TV series one day. This is
  a cat with legs.

  >> The Rolling Stones are back! <<
  Oooh. Newish idea for a joke here. Take a pop
  video and record your own lip-syncing audio.
  We've seen it done before with people playing
  out-of-tune guitar solos and grunting, but
  never entirely new lyrics. Why not have a go

 >> This is what an adult kiss is like...? <<
  Proving once and for all why snogging people
  and rolling your tongues around is freaky and
  wrong. Actually, play this to some 10 year-olds
  and put them off kissing for life.

  >> Captain Kirk climbing a mountain <<
  One of those "chop up the audio and mix with a
  beat" video remix thingies. But full of the
  proverbial win, as Shatner says such
  extraordinary stuff.

  >> Geek Love Rap <<
  Dale Chase describes himself as a "music lovin'
  audio engineer, beatmaker, and fledgling
  coder." Weirdly sincere for a something that's
  meant to be a joke.

  >> Does your car make too much noise? <<
  Then try kitten mittens. Lovely, simple gag.
  From a trailer for "It's Always Sunny in
  Philadelphia" which we've never bothered
  watching but just checked out on IMDB and it's
  got a 9.6 rating so probably should download an
  episode or two.


  Bum-bum poo-poo tee-hee

  * SCROTUM - "This website logo looks like a
  scrotum," chortles the RevJB, giving us a
  clearer mental image of his scrotum than we'd
  hitherto enjoyed.

  * JOE BASTARDI - Accuweather's European
  correspondent. Wonder what his ancestors did
  for a living.


  Results from the Kitten Sports Challenge

  Last week we wanted you celebrate sporting

  Your favourites included:
  * RELAY - going for Olympic kitty gold, and not
  a dropped baton in sight (Sheep!)

  * CURLING - Scottish sport gets feline makeover

  * FLIGHT - classic image improved by the
  addition of hang-glider (Tribs)

  All these images, and the highest as voted by
  you can be found here:

  >> New challenge: Save Teletext <<
  They are shutting down Teletext in 2010, even
  though it is amazing and much better than the
  internet. The challenge? To design new features
  which could save it. Challenge suggested by


  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * CHRISTOPHER BROOKMYER - Scottish crime
  writing legend Brookmyer is a fan of "geeky
  site" b3ta, according to this week's Media

  * PAPER CUP v NORMAL CUP - Chazz writes, "I
  don't know about paper versus regular plates
  but there was a test done on coffee cups some
  years back which determined that it took as
  much energy/resources to wash a cup as it did
  to make 1.4 disposable cups. If you wash your
  cup every other day, paper costs more."

  * MUSSOLINI'S TRAINS - Turns out he didn't make
  them run on time after all. Just another of
  them there urban myths.

  * AMAZON'S SALVIA - "Why would Amazon NOT sell
  salvia?" asks FunkYourself. "It's legal to buy,
  sell and possess. Not to take though - just for
  collectors. Check out the little stoner-geek
  R2D2 under related though!"



  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * LOWEST SCORE CHART - "A gaming site which
  records scores, but instead the idea is to get
  the LOWEST score possible yet complete the
  game." (via @CutmanMike)
  * LCD PISS TARGETS - "Games for urinals, is it
  possible to make an electronic display for a
  urinal that when you wee on it you fill a
  virtual balloon?" We'd also like to pee on
  Jamie Oliver's face and have him slurp it up.
  (via @executiverocker)

    * ISITCORRECT.COM - "a site that you can make
  check other 'isit...' sites eg,
  itiscorrect.com/?site=isitchristmas.com" (via

  Send contributions via the mail form.

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


  Subscribe:  [email protected]
  Unsubscribe:  [email protected]


  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
  Stevenson. Stuff sent in by @thelimopit,
  Potatan, timgow, Dave Gormarno, @npfiii,
  @farted, @Swineshead, @geekixRT, @oceanhippie,
  @DanCall, Rev.JB, @robertpopper, Lord_Munkee,
  @ElectricSpectre, beckyjsbx, rodney mcplum.
  Additional linkage and image challenge by
  Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
  Subjlols via  Dumbshit.


  I just wanked myself into oblivion. The staff
  at Alton Towers are fucking furious.

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