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This Week:
* ANIM - Watermelons!
* TWITS - Shit my Dad says
* FASHION - Arse-Winkers(TM)

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___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |      "We're saving the
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B3ta email 393 - 28 Aug 2009

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  Ouchy ouchy hurt hurt 

  We have legally ripped off (“licensed”) a bunch
  of old and new clips of people doing stupid
  things and hurting themselves and got Swede
  Mason of Jeremy Clarkson Beatbox fame to mash
  them all up into a viral for a new car racing
  game called Blur. He’s done a wicked job.

  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want this space? Then talk to us.


  Watermelons, Tinfoil, Cats and 9

  >> They Are Watermelons <<
  "It's about 2 watermelons just hanging about,"
  explains Appox of his latest short animation.
  Manages to say something about bullying,
  through the medium of talking fruits.

  >> Anthony Travels to the Future <<
  "I met a bloke at the weekend who worked for a
  tin foil company. He gave us 80m of it," says
  Paint My Wagon. "I probably use less than 5m of
  tin foil a year, so I dressed up as someone
  from the future and jumped out of a bin."
  Seems the only thing to do, really.

  >> Autotuner cats <<
  To be honest, we didn't have high hopes when
  Joel told us his latest project involved more
  musical kittens. This strangely-haunting mewed
  anthem was a pleasant surprise.

  >> 09/09/09 <<
  "On the 9th Sept, the date is 09/09/09,"
  explains numerology-obsessed Phil Cooper. "I'm
  spending the day recording and releasing 9
  songs. I'll start recording at 9am and the
  album will be released at 9pm. All profits from
  sales will be given to charities that support
  the emergency services. I also hope to have a
  webcam running on the day, so people can check
  in on the recording process." He has an mp3 up
  there right now so why not check it out before
  the rush? 


  DIY Techno-hacks

  We wanted to know how you'd made stuff 
  better with your own excellent hacks, 
  or whether your invention had turned on 
  humanity and destroyed the world.

  * WANK ALARM - When I was 11, I was into 
  electronics. My best ever project was to 
  install Maplin type pressure pads around 
  the house under the carpet, and wire them all
  up to little light bulbs, attach all the 
  bulbs to a wooden board, and label them with
  their locations. I did all of this when my 
  parents were out, and for years, I could tell 
  where people were in the house - roughly. 
  As I became a teenager, this actually proved 
  fantastically useful as a rudimentary wank 
  alert, and allow me enough time to hide my 
  tadger should anyone head toward my bedroom 
  door. As my old childrens bedroom is now my 
  grown up office, it still performs the exact 
  job it did all those years ago. Only it now 
  warns me of my missus' approach. I'm never 
  going to reveal it to her but I shall pass 
  it on to my son one day. Boys never change 
  do they? (I have run out of coke) 
  * ORAL SEX AID - Back when I started working 
  as a travelling salesman I was living with my 
  first serious girlfriend, a girl from Oldham 
  named Gill. As I was going away for a fortnight 
  and leaving her in our flat alone for the first 
  time I thought I’d buy her something romantic, 
  something to remember me by. So I got her a black 
  mamba four-speed 12” vibrator (complete with 
  realistic bulging veins and purple bell end). 
  Gill opened the package, stared at it for a bit, 
  then put it on her dresser. I went off on my tour 
  of duty, selling insurance policies to gimps, and 
  rang Gill after I’d finished work everyday. 
  On the fourth or fifth day I remembered my 
  spectacular gift of love and dedication (to 
  Gill’s excellent and perfectly formed pudenda), 
  and asked her if she’d got round to giving it 
  a try. Gill, very matter-of-factly replied: 
  “Ooh, yes, Spanky! I use it first thing in 
  the morning and last thing at night! Its completely 
  revolutionised my life!” I paused. I had the 
  horrible feeling I was going to be dumped in 
  favour of a 12” lump of plastic.
  When I’d finished my sales bollocks I went 
  home. And there, in the bathroom, I found the 
  offensive weapon, all black and glistening 
  on the bathroom sink. Gill had modified it.
  It stood on its end, all 12” glorious penisy 
  inches stretching into the sky like a pervy 
  version of the Eiffel Tower – and Gill had 
  sellotaped something to it. Wrapped loads and 
  loads of tape round the length to secure something 
  else to its length. Gill had sellotaped her 
  toothbrush onto it. Apparently she’d always 
  wanted an electric toothbrush, one of those 
  vibrating jobbies, but had never got round to 
  buying one. And she told me later that since 
  she’d been using this homemade bodge-job every 
  morning and every night her teeth had never 
  felt so clean, apparently. Gill asked if I 
  wanted to see her use it. 
  "No, not really," I said. (SpankyHanky)

  * PROPER TECHNO-HACKING - The ZX Spectrum laptop. 
  I Repeat: The ZX Spectrum Laptop 

  >> This Week's Question <<
  We all know of at least one bloke who wears a 
tinfoil hat and listens to too much TalkSport. 
Tell us about Conspiracy Theory nutters.


  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> Shit my dad says <<
  Justin is 28 and lives with his 73-year-old
  dad. These are some of the awesome things his
  dad says, via Twitter.

  >> Webpage 'presenters' <<
  This site lets you add friendly Australian
  'presenters' to any site, as a preview of their
  service. It doesn't filter for content. Point
  it at redtube.com and enjoy the dialogue... 

  >> Your data DNA <<
  Fun MITT project datamines the internet for
  info about you, then draws you a diagrammatic
  personal profile. Works best if you have a
  slightly unusual name (or are very famous).

  >> Funny family photos <<
  Oddly-themed or otherwise notable family
  photoshoots. Preserve forever your child's look
  of total mortification. Ah, it's heartwarming
  though, really. As long as it's someone else's
  family doing it. 

  >> Tape yourself <<
  A gallery of grotesque mugshots. Why not join
  in, by plastering sellotape over your face
  until you look like Sloth from the Goonies?  

  >> Make your own Keyboard Cat <<
  Spot a major fail but too far away from the web
  for Keyboard Cat? Play them off with this
  rather splendid papercraft KC for you to cut
  out and keep!

  >> Boycott Scotland <<
  Site with an interesting take on Scotland's
  recent Lockerbie decision. Remember Freedom

  >> Glum Councillors <<
  Seeking a picture of an unhappy local
  politician, staring at a hole in the road? This
  right here is your one-stop shop. Also features
  councillors looking concerned about drains and


  Imagine if ceefax was hi-res. Just imagine

  >> Winkers(TM) <<
  Decorative jeans that make your arse cheeks
  wink. The poo-brown owl in particular is bloody
  hypnotic. BTW: Nice to see they aren't bowing
  to the dreadful trend for size zero models.

  >> The Otamatone <<
  Brilliantly amusing musical instrument,
  apparently from Japan.

  >> Mario: Game Over <<
  Super Mario's winning screen is just the start
  of his troubles. He's an unemployed plumber
  addicted to mushrooms and things are not-a
  going so well-a with the Princess.

  >> Baby-soothing PC <<
  This is what happens when linux geeks make babies.

  >> Ultimate Muscle Roller Legend <<
  An intensely gay videogame car chase that's
  very much doing the rounds this week. Wired
  explains the weirdness:

  >> Pong, Pre-Pong <<
  A 1958 ancestor to the venerable tennis game,
  whipped up by a government scientist to
  entertain visitors to his lab. What's
  impressive is that it looks so good - better
  graphics than anything for the next 20 years!

  >> Trippy Music Video Wall <<
  Play any or all of these youTube clips at once
  to create your own crazy cathedral of sound in

 >> 8-Bit Lego Trip <<
 Got excited to see old 8-bit classic games
 rendered in 3D with lego. Very excited. This is
 such nerd-porn.


  Only in China...
  Will Jennings writes, "I was teaching English
  to Chinese children in Chongqing a few years
  ago. On a visit into a shopping centre area of
  the city I came across this delightfully-named
  beauty parlour."


  Results from the Sausages Challenge

  Last week we wanted SAUSAGES

  Your favourites included:
  * TAN - when bangers get back from the beach
  (Santa Claws)

  * MEAT - Luke turns to Obi Wan when he's 
    in need of sage sabre-sausage sense 

  * BALLOON - the porcine equivalent of
    the cocoon/butterfly tale (monkeon)

    All these images, and the highest as
    voted by you can be found here:

  >> New challenge: Steampunk <<
  This week's challenge is to celebrate 
  Steampunk and the age of Victorian 
  sci-fi, where airships and steam power 
  exist alongside 19th century versions of 
  more modern developments. Challenge 
  suggested by monstrinho do biscoito



  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  therealwtf (RN, BSc (Hons)) writes, "It can
  ultimately cause kidney and bladder problems.
  When your bladder gets to its fullest capacity
  and you don't pee, then urine travels back up
  the ureters and back into the kidneys,
  engorging them and potentially causing kidney
  failure. And, all the crap your body has
  already filtered out into the pee will return
  to the body, poisoning it. Usually the urge to
  pee is too strong and you'll just wet yourself
  but it is possible for the backtracking to
  happen in younger people with good bladder
  control. Alternatively, you could just drink
  less and therefore have the urge to pee less,
  but that may cause uric acid crystals to form
  and they cause kidney stones which REALLY
  FUCKING HURT... So, not peeing potentially can
  cause kidney stones, kidney failure and
  systemic poisoning. And... it's possible to
  overstretch the bladder, causing incontinence.
  Given the choice, I'd rather get off my fat,
  lazy arse and go to the toilet! I suppose a
  bloke could always pee in a bottle?"

  * PUPPIFY HACK - Leda74 writes, "With regard to
  MrTrent's heartfelt wish, it's easy to amend
  the Kittenify link. Opening the bookmark's
  Properties and replacing the word 'kitten' with
  'puppy' is all it takes. Or...you know, you
  can put any other word in the world there. 
  "Goatse' provided some small amusement for a

  * SKILLET TIPS - The Fretful Porpentine writes,
  "I was pleased to see the 'sponsored' link in
  the newsletter. Welcome to the world of cast
  iron and black iron pans. Teflon pans are
  rubbish. They are non stick to start off with
  and then stick when they get scuffed up with
  utensils and through cleaning. Cast/black iron
  pans stick a bit to start off with but just get
  more and more non stick. The lack of soap in
  the cleaning is a bit scary to start off with
  but persevere. It pays off. To start your life
  long relationship with your pan, clean it
  thoroughly with plenty of hot water and a
  scouring pad. Dry thoroughly and coat the
  inside of the pan with oil or lard. Bung it in
  a really hot oven for an hour or two. Turn the
  oven off and let cool. Coat again with a sheen
  of oil and it's ready for use. You will need to
  use a bit more oil than you're used to using in
  a Teflon pan to start off with but as the
  season develops, food will release
  effortlessly. To clean, use hot water and a
  very light scrub to remove anything that has
  stuck, then oil again and then pop on a fierce
  flame for a minute or two to "dry" the oil. It
  might seem like a bit of a faff compared to
  Teflon, but you will bond with your pan and it
  will enrich your cooking experience. Avoid
  highly-flavoured foods - keep separate pans for
  meat and fish for example as the flavours will
  linger in the seasoning. Be responsible for the
  welfare of your pan, someone else may scour it,
  use detergent or scrape the seasoning off. Let
  people know it's your pan and the consequences
  if they damage it." Gosh.



  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * U AND NON-U.com - are things posh or not? A
  crowd-sourced version of the Nancy Mitford
  classic book on class differences built using
  the kittenwar mechanic. (Thought up because
  someone lent us a copy of the 1970s book
  "Class" By Jilly Cooper.)
  * CULTS BLOG - this week we've been obsessing
  about weird 60s cults like The Process and
  wondering what cults are knocking about today.
  This spilled out into a fantasy of joining as
  many cults as we could find and writing a blog
  entry about each one, "a day in the life"
  stuff. However, we're too busy/lazy to do
  this so can somoeone else? Cheers.
  * FUCK OUR LIFE - FML for married people. "We
  went round someone else's house the other day
  and then had to sit around for 20 minutes while
  she dumped her boyfriend via MSN. FOL."

  Send contributions via the mail form.

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


  Subscribe:  [email protected]
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  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
  Stevenson. Stuff sent in by evil hound,
  ivor_the_engine, canarynightlife,
  barryheadwound, @duckorange: @qwghlm,
  @Wiiloveit, Christian Heilmann, McBadger,
  sesquipedeviant, PointlessCamel, gronkpan,
  Martin Parton. Additional linkage and image
  challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder 
  is QOTW bloke.


  My best mate is entering the X-Factor this year
  and I wanted to give him all the help and
  support I can. So I've killed his mum.

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