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This Week:
* BOOZE - 100 shots in 100 mins
* SONG - Dear Mandy
* STAND UP - Your chance to do some comedy 

________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |        "We lied about    
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |        saving the web"
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B3ta pager bleep 406 - 27 Nov 2009

Read this issue twice:

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  Amazon Black Friday

  Just got an email from Amazon mentioning that
  today is "Black Friday", the busiest online
  shopping day of the entire year. We guess it's
  something to do with Christmas shopping and
  that you all have no idea what to buy your
  gran, so she ends up with the new Dan Brown and
  an egg Breville. There's meant to be lots of
  deals on but we're too half-arsed to write any
  proper sales copy so this will have to do: go
  consume worthless products gentle readers, as
  pretty soon you'll be dead and there's no 15%
  off in Hell. Linky goes to the brilliantly titled
  book "Overcoming Obstacles with Spunk."

  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want this space? Then talk to us.


  100 shots, Cheese, Mandy and Mayday

  >> 100 shots in 100 minutes <<
  Time-lapse footage for b3tard Dave attempting
  100 shots of beer in 100 minutes. A.K.A The
  Centurion! What a hero - and he has work in the
  morning too! Thanks to liamrafferty85 for
  bringing us this.

  >> Cheesipedia <<
  Neville. "So, anyway, I decided it was about
  time I started up an online encyclopaedia of
  cheese. It's early days yet, but I've got a few
  firm favourites in there."

  >> "Dear Mandy..." <<
  Genius rapper Dan Bull brought us the sublime
  'Dear Lilly', a scolding letter to Lilly Allen
  using her own catchy backing tracks. Can he
  pull it off again with a message to sinister
  Baron Mandelson, who wants to cut off people's
  household internet connections if he suspects
  them of filesharing? BTW: We've also heard that
  pager companies are lobbying Mandelson to make
  texting illegal.

  >> RC MAYDAY Crash Investigation <<
  "I made this short film about a major air
  disaster," exclaims JamWire. "And like
  Discovery Channel, I shouted all over it to
  make it seem more interesting." Guess what?
  That trick really works!


  December 9th - Old Blue Last Shoreditch
  The last Sickipedia night was a massive
  success, and excellent fun. A packed room of
  happy drunken people and a dozen or so mostly
  brand-new comedians. The pub's asked us to do
  it again so come down, have a drink and a
  laugh. And if you fancy going on stage get in
  touch with Rob:

  Among the star attractions already booked;
  returning favourites tricyclic_looper and
  mushybees. Also Richard Tingley, best-known to
  us as Bovine from the B3ta boards. He's
  recently been running a video blog which, with
  its mixture of jokes and confessional, we're
  finding rather compelling. Reckon there’s an
  independent film in it somewhere.


  Down Terrace, Brighton, Friday

  Ben: Is it too late to pimp the screening of
  Down Terrace in the newsletter? It's on at 11pm
  at the Duke of York, Brighton.

  B3ta: OK, is there any kind of, 'Ben and Rob
  Hill will be in the bar - buy them a pint'

  Ben: Yes, from 9 in the Duke's bar.
  Then Ben went quiet for 5 mins and sent a
  follow up email to tempt you.
  Ben: Also there will be badges.


  PE Lessons

  Last week we asked for your tales of school
  sanctioned sports sadism. Those without a sick
  note can be found here:

  * YAY! GAMES! - "First day at a Second Division
  Public School somewhere in the East Midlands. I
  was 10, just. The timetable said: "2pm-4pm:
  Games." Whoopee, think I and several other
  innocent 10-year olds, we get to spend two
  hours playing on the swings/roundabout/seesaw.
  So we do; and the next day, and the day after
  that. It was about two weeks before they found
  us. Apparently we were meant to have reported
  to the rugby pitch on day one. They were
  starting to wonder where we'd got to." (Guy
  * SMARTARSE - "Physical feats of speed or
  endurance are not my thing. I'm more of a
  brainy type. I can see some of you are nodding
  and some want to punch me already. Aged 12, at
  a selective boys grammar school, I'm trying to
  make my mark with a new load of 30 class mates.
  Sir sets one particular task, 'Everyone in the
  middle of the gym, now run and touch every wall
  and return to the centre.' This is the cue for
  every boy to immediately scatter to the middle
  of the nearest wall before turning around and
  running fast as their little spindly legs could
  carry them to the middle of the opposite wall
  (some unfortunately meeting another boy coming
  the other way) before repeating with the other
  two walls. Now I really don’t like to do more
  than I have to. I thought for a moment and
  proceeded to jog sedately to the corner of the
  gym where I touched two walls at once, ambled
  to the opposite corner, touched the last two
  walls and returned leisurely to the centre of
  the gym arriving way before the speediest of my
  peers. Unfortunately in one act, I had singled
  myself out to staff and pupils alike as too
  bloody clever for my own good." (Rich T)
  * FUNNY-SHAPED BALLS - "The game was rugby. The
  teacher was Mr Pullen, the science master, who
  had never played before. He actually turned up
  on the pitch with a huge book entitled 'The
  Rules of Rugby'. He explained kicking. He
  explained tries. And then he got on to
  tackling. A volunteer was needed. Pullen
  pointed at Rapinder Sood, the skinniest,
  bow-leggiest, tiniest and only moustachioed boy
  in the school. Pullen jogged off slowly.
  Rapinder followed until, 'Now boy. Now!'
  screamed Pullen. Rapinder caught up and made an
  effort at diving for Mr Pullen's legs but
  missed any real connection. But he did just
  catch the ankles and there he held on for dear
  life. There was no way Rapinder was ever going
  to bring the teacher down. But something else
  did come down. Rapinder's doggedness made sure
  that the teacher's tracksuit bottoms came free.
  It turned out Mr Pullen was not wearing shorts
  under his tracksuit. Mr Pullen was not wearing
  pants under his tracksuit. Mr Pullen was
  wearing fuck all under his tracksuit." (Albert

  >> This Week's Question <<
  We really need ideas for Christmas presents and
  who better to ask than you lovely creative


  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> Please design a logo for me. With pie charts <<
  Designer's email exchange with guy wanting him
  to do free work. We've all been there. Christ,
  we normally pretend that "we'll make you famous
  on b3ta" when we want them to do free work.

  >> Naked girls injecting heroin <<
  Harpski writes, "If you think that heroin chic
  is a good look maybe this link will revise your
  opinion." An alarming set of photos that will
  stay with you longer than most things we link
  to this week. BTW: We wonder how they were
  taken? Did someone go "I'll buy you some smack
  if you let me take your photo?"

  >> Clients from hell <<
  A classic theme we've tackled a handful of
  times in our questions of the week, but this
  version scores via brevity and it's all rather
  engrossing if you start reading. BTW: If any of
  our clients are reading then we love you! And
  can you pay that invoice please?

  >> Hairy sausages <<
  A neat idea from our Russian friends here -
  stick raw spaghetti into a hot-dog sausage and
  boil it to create a bearded banger. 

  >> Trying to disappear from the internet <<
  A writer for Wired tried to vanish from the
  world, offering a $5000 bounty for anybody who
  could find him, it quickly turned into a large
  internet collaboration.

  >> LOLSQL <<
  One for cat-obsessed computer programmers here:
  a mutant mash-up of lol-cat speak and SQL, the
  special language engineers use to coax
  databases into love-making.

  >> Google autocompletes <<
  A handful of amusing google autocompletes have
  been doing the rounds recently and this
  enterprising little blog has thought, "Hang on,
  there's a blog in that." 


  Chimp and tigers

  "Surely this will make you go aaah :) get it in
  the newsletter!" urges bruvopunk.  

  "and also if you do could you possibly plug my
  new release, i am a dubstep producer: Flux
  Pavilion and Trolley Snatcha - Family
  Fortune/Steppa. if you get it in there ill work
  out some way of paying you back, maybe sampling
  a b3ta classic in a new tune, im doin pretty
  well :)"


  TV but with distracting shit round the edges

  >> Toilet flush obsessive <<
  Black Moon writes, "Is this guy for real? Look
  how many videos he has, look how many views
  they have!" Yep, this guy has over 400 videos
  of flushing bogs. The loo fan writes, "I live
  in the East Midlands in England. My favourite
  hobby as you can see, toilets, has been since I
  was 2."

  >> Bohemian Rhapsody by the Muppets <<
  We're having a bit of a Queen celebration in
  B3ta Towers, in the run up to Xmas they've
  released yet another greatest hits, but the
  interesting bit is there's a version on Spotify
  where CD2 is Roger Taylor and Brian May doing a
  director's commentary thing. Worth an hour of
  your time. And in other news - here's Jim
  Henson's Muppets singing Freddie's theme to
  Wayne's World:

  >> Man Vs Toddler <<
  Dead-pan song about grown-ups' superiority to
  children, it's a bit like Flight of the
  Conchords doing the competitive dad joke from
  The Fast Show.

  >> Grim Segway porn <<
  The thing about porn is that you shouldn't ever
  look at it, it's wrong. However if it's funny
  porn then it's safe - you're looking at a
  comedy item: a pair of hi-tech Segways with a
  huge dribbling cock and a monster gaping minge,
  and not naked ladies at all, oh no. Definitely

  >> Happiness Hat <<
  If you're anything like us you find people
  complete awful and most social situations a
  mixture of horror and embarrassment, yet wonder
  quite how some people breeze through life gayly
  smiling and making everybody like them? The
  secret is the happiness hat. We're wearing one
  right now. On our cocks.

  >> Cheapy Lighter Laser Burner! <<
  Convert a cheapo cigarette lighter into a
  powerful laser cutter capable of burning skin
  and blinding kittens. Who needs x-ray eyes now


  Lift button racing
  Last week A Vagabond asked whether repeatedly
  pressing a lift button will get it to your
  floor any quicker.

  Chris W writes, "My friend Big Kev is a lift
  engineer and lives in Reading. I emailed him
  about multiple pressing of buttons and he
  replied, 'You just need to press the direction
  you need to go, and the call is logged for that
  floor. Continual pressing makes no difference,
  just like when you use a pedestrian  crossing
  you press the button and the call is logged
  from the first push.' Please mention Big Kev if
  you use this!" 
  "Lifts do have buttons that don't work or do
  anything," adds Jon P. "On many lifts the
  'close door' button is not connected and simply
  makes people feel better. its called a placebo
  button as defined in Wikipedia."

  "Pressing the elevator call button lots doesn't
  make it come faster, but there is a way once
  you're inside the elevator to get it to go
  straight to your floor without stopping at
  other ones: Press the floor button as well as
  the the door close button at the same time, and
  keep them held down," opines Tom from England.
  If you then press up and down simultaneously it
  gives you infinite lives and a railgun. 'Proof'


  Results from the Cutouts Challenge

  Last week we wanted you to make celebrity
  cutout dolls.

  Your favourites included:
  * CAKE - it may taste of cardboard, but it
  looks bloody delicious (The magic of chutney)

  * B3TA - an almost instant, highly portable
  version of your favourite website (yanmania...)

  * EYES - dress your pet with these charming yet
  annoying eyes (Fresh Water Mole)

    All these images, and the highest as
    voted by you can be found here:

  >> New challenge: Desktop Icon Art <<
  This week's challenge is to make a picture
  using the icons on your desktop. Challenge
  inspired by thescotsman.


  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * FRAMERATER UPDATE: "Your favourite film
  tracker is new and improved," boast the
  Framerater crew. "We have now expanded the
  lists of films that you may have seen,
  including IMDb Top 250, 1001 Movies You Must
  See, AFI Top 100 and BFI Top 100. Also direct
  links to Amazon and LoveFilm so you can easily
  order that film you have wanted to see for
  ages. Thanks for all the support, enjoy!"

  * HOMO MILK - Last week's Funny Name Corner
  lolled at homogenised milk labels. This week
  HairyTwatter writes, "I work with milk
  processing plants quite a bit. The homogenizer
  is universally called 'the homo' ...and here's
  these big guys talking about running a
  calcium-enriched product thru the homogenizer
  and saying, 'Every time I run the product it
  really tears up the inside of the homo.'" We're
  really milking this gag now, eh?



  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * IS THIS PERSON MARRIED? - a yes/no/upload
  photo thing. Are the stereotypes true? Are all
  lonely men fat? Are all spinsters cat owners?
  Possibly could be done via a facebook app thing
  too. But we hate facebook apps as you have to
  install them to play them, then they shit all
  over your profile.

  writes, "Have any of the B3TAns produced a
  graph to show at what time of day (or indeed
  which day)newsletters have been published? I
  love deadlines almost as much as Douglas Adams
  did, and would like to see a graphical
  representation of somebody else's (Rob's)
  approach to dealing with a chronological
  imperative. Really it's because as a freelancer
  I spend any Friday when I'm not working
  wondering what time the newsletter will appear
  in my inbox. Not in a slightly obsessed
  repeatedly clicking the send and receive button
  sort of way - honest!"

  sure you film it too as it would be a bit shit
  if it's just a load of boingy noises and no

  Send contributions via the mail form.

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


  Subscribe:  [email protected]
  Unsubscribe:  [email protected]


  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
  Stevenson. Stuff sent in by Kingdom Oblivion,
  @markjbenson, Chemistry Dan, @codepo8,
  largoembargo, sinisterduck , Appox, Ed
  Blackadder, @oxygenthiefYEAH, unclestinky,
  Darklord, Chazz, willenium, and PyroTyger.
  Additional linkage and image challenge by
  Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
  Subjlols by Undulating Tentacles of Love.
  BTW: We accidentally asked the /talk board
  instead of the main board for this - check it
  out if you're bored: 

  Marks And Spencer's new advert states that it
  wouldn't be Christmas without M&S. They're
  right too. It'd be Chrita.

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