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This Week:
* TORY - Sir Ian Bowler on Child Benefit
* STORY - "Impaled on my own sculpture"
* RHYMING - This Is England rap

________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |     "We're starting        
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |    an ascii art
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|   revival... 8==w=)"

B3ta email 450 - 15 OCT 2010

Your own personal Shipman, someone to be your friend:

      Davidians:  [email protected]
Branch Davidians:  [email protected]


  What went on in the mine, stays in the mine...
  Chilean miners, fake celebrities, wannabe
  hipsters, the X-Factor... No-one is safe, we
  got t-shirts taking the piss out of them all.
  And now at ShotDead you can inspire, amuse and
  upset on a mug or a mouse mat too. Whack the
  Voucher Code 'B3TA' in at the checkout and get
  15% discount. B3at that!

  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want this space? Then talk to us.


  Other than spit, semen and earwax

  >> Sir Ian Bowler, MP on Child Benefit <<
  Conservative MP Bowler explains the workings of
  the government's new Child Benefit system, with
  the aid of his tiny daughter. "I watch with
  equal parts pride and guilt," confesses Natt,
  "Because she burst into inconsolable tears as
  soon as we'd finished."

  >> This Is England: The Musical <<
  "This took bloody ages to put together," boasts
  Dan Bull. He's put out a rap synopsis of film
  This is England. Also handy, if you're watching
  the televised sequel. "I just found out someone
  has already done a rap version of the Ken Loach
  film 'Kes'," continues Dan. "This is like a new
  variation of rule 34 - if it exists, there's a
  rap of it."

  >> Tribute to East Grinstead <<
  Musical tributes to mediocre towns are ten a
  penny, after that Newport one. East Grinstead,
  home to Scientologists and Mormons, is an easy
  target but Undulating Tentacles and friends
  dress up like goons to make this one

  >> Wikipedia Vandalism Search <<
  Stumbling on graffitied pages is often
  entertaining, but it's usually fixed so quickly
  these days. So... "I've created a way to make
  finding Wikipedia vandalism that bit easier,"
  explains monkeon.

  >> Party like it's 1998 <<
  "I've been living life in 1998 since Orange
  told me I needed to switch off the 3G on my
  phone to be able to receive calls or send texts
  on it," explains Jon. "I read paper books. I
  now use a Nokia 5110, a Sony PlayStation, a
  GameBoy Color, and a Sony DiscMan instead of an
  iPhone, iPad and iPod. You should try it - it's


  £1 Cinema tickets

  BragItUp.com (the week's top ten deals) have
  been given a load of free Vue Cinema Tickets
  (£1 p+p) to shift. All you do is click below,
  register, then enter 'Vue' in the Keycode box.
  Save 90% on a standard adult ticket. Be quick
  as these will be Gone in 60 Seconds!



  Last week we asked for your pointless and petty
  acts of vandalism. We've picked out three (well
  four) of the most creative:

  * GNOMES - "One night, back in the days before
  late licensing, when the streets were generally
  completely deserted after midnight, a group of
  us went out for a post drink stroll. We took
  with us a large ball of blu-tac, a pair of
  scissors, a pot of cocktail sticks, pens and a
  big stack of post-it notes. We headed for
  Roseland Park, an out of the way area where
  people have nice gardens and try hard to keep
  them that way. They are also a tasteless bunch
  who adorn their front lawns with many a garden
  ornament. In the first garden, we picked up a
  garden gnome and placed it carefully on the
  doorstep with a finely crafted mini banner that
  read "I hate fishing" replacing his wooden
  fishing rod. In the second garden the gnomes'
  banners angrily protested the silly hats they
  had been forced to wear by their human
  overlords. We went house to house getting a
  little braver each time: the last house had two
  huge stone lions on the gate posts. With some
  effort, we lugged them to outside the front
  door with a note that read, "Can we come in
  please? It's cold out here." (PhillieJoe)
  * FOOOM - "A foam fire extinguisher works by
  mixing 2 liquids that produce huge amounts of
  foam at fairly high pressure. Having got hold
  of a number of packets of the chemical mix from
  a fireman mate, we put them to good use in the
  public bar gents bogs of the Great Western Pub,
  Cardiff. We bunged one up to stop it all
  flushing away and mixed chem-pack one into the
  pan, chem-pack two into the cistern and stirred
  well. Having primed the trap, we sat back and
  waited for some poor soul to go to the toilets
  before following in. Target One was just going
  for a piss and looked a bit taken aback to be
  followed into the bogs by a load of hairy-arsed
  drunks, but after a bit more patience, Target
  Two entered the drop zone. Trying to stifle
  sniggers we were soon rewarded with a big
  FLUSH, a slowly building fizzing noise and the
  strangled screams of our victim thrashing
  around at the lock. Seconds later, a
  dishevelled, wild-eyed, foamy mess stumbled out
  with his trousers round his knees, gibbering
  slightly before making a hasty, semi-naked
  exit. The foam had got to almost waist height
  before he'd managed to open the door." (RadG)
  * YOU CAN'T SAY N-WORD - "Wasn't me but a
  friend of mine came home one night to find the
  wall of her block of flats covered in graffiti.
  She rang the local council to report it and was
  told that, unless it was racially or sexually
  offensive, there was nothing they could do. At
  3am she was outside, armed with a spraycan. The
  next day she rang again to say that someone had
  painted "XXXX Council are a bunch of queer
  n*gger cunts" on her wall and could they do
  something about it?" (warneford)

  We also love HaroldBishop'sLoveChild for his
  Chris Eubank obsession:

  >> This Week's Question <<
  What would you like to achieve before you die?
  Beyond getting out of bed and maybe having a
  wank, that is. Talk to us here:


  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> "I was impaled by my own sculpture" <<
  "My mum fell onto a sculpture of hers and had
  50 inches of metal rod go through her left arm,
  lengthways," explains Haku. "She managed to cut
  herself free. My mum is amazing."

  >> Diver faces <<
  Ha! This is what it would look like if men gave
  birth. We like mocking athletes, as it makes up
  for always being picked last in PE.

  >> Gay sex vs straight sex - the stats <<
  Dating site stat analysis that crunches the
  numbers to examine myths about gay and straight
  sexuality and promiscuity. Interesting stuff,
  although you could argue the sample is skewed
  by the fact that it's gathered from a site for
  people interested in dating, rather than

  >> Lesbians who look like Justin Bieber <<
  Does the Justin Bieber haircut have a name? You
  know, have a long fridge and comb it sideways
  like that's not going to fall in your eyes at
  all times. Anyway, this website reckons it's a
  surprisingly popular look for young ladies
  averse to the cock.

  >> Is Thatcher Dead Yet? <<
  Can't be too long now! Love the social
  integration of all this - look for parties in
  your area etc.

  >> Why going to prison is dreadful <<
  Written by a 4channer who just did two years.
  Alarming bits include how he grew a fingernail
  to cut open his thigh and push codeine tablets
  into his bloodsteam. Don't go to jail, kids.


  109 cats in jumpers
  A certain breed of slightly twee cat owner
  likes nothing better than to dress their pet up
  in little pullovers - a quick bit of google
  image research and somebody has built a hit
  web-page out of it. The internet: turning
  kittens into AdSense pennies since 2004.


  Joke bones with the marrow funny sucked out

  >> Banksy directs 'controversial' Simpsons intro <<
  As you almost certainly know already,
  graffitist and self-publicist extraordinaire
  Banksy has directed an intro for the Simpsons.
  Grimly funny, although the genuine revelation
  for us was how very annoyed Korean people get
  when you slag off their country.

  >> Sesame Street: Smell Like A Monster <<
  Sesame street parody of that Old Spice ad, to
  teach kids how to use the word "on".

  >> It doesn't do anything <<
  Doesn't do, doesn't do, do anything. It doesn't
  do anything. Doesn't do, doesn't do. It doesn't
  do anything. Miiiaaaaoooooooooowwwww!

  >> Kitty pleads for better food <<
  Aww. Fluffy little kitty begs, literally begs,
  for something different to eat. So cute!

  >> Awesome light show on a 3D surface <<
  Amazing stuff, as plain, white boxes are made
  to look like the City of freaking Tomorrow.

  >> Sexeh sexeh laydee <<
  The problem with pies is often the outside
  looks lovely, smooth and golden, but the first
  mouthful turns out to be a big lump of gnarled
  gristle. Anyway, here's a video of a girl
  cleaning her car or something.


  Results from the Monster Challenge

  Last week we wanted you to create B-movie

 Your favourites included:

  * BISCUITS - bourbons, jammie dodgers,
  chocolate digestives, the lot (James Cupboard)

  * CLANGERS - conspiracy theorists, pay
  attention: Oliver Postgate was behind 9/11

  * WHOOPS - there's no more dangerous monster
  than a clumsy monster (Happy Toast)

  All these images, and the highest as voted by
  you can be found here:

  >> New challenge: Squirrels in History <<
  It's a fact: we love the fluffeh manimals here
  on b3ta. So this week we're challenging you to
  chart the impact of squirrels throughout
  history. Challenge suggested by maiden


  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * MORE CRANK EMAILS - Mr Nerdy-Speccy-FuckNuts
  writes, "So I decided to email Nickelodeon
  back... If you read the first post, the one
  that got newslettered, then this will make
  sense to you. If not I suggest you read the
  first one before you read this one. Hope you
  enjoy it!"


  Electric Box 2

  Anthony Sennett writes, "I did what you said
  and went on Kongregate.  Here's the second
  instalment of Electric Box." Shiiiiit, that's
  our afternoon screwed then. Hope they don't do
  an iPhone version or we'll really be fucked.



  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * MY LAST WORDS - Claire Rayner karked it this
  week and delivered some of the finest last
  words ever, "Tell David Cameron that if he
  screws up my beloved NHS I'll come back and
  bloody haunt him." We reckon there's no chance
  on earth that we'll be in a position to think
  up anything great at the point of death, so
  what about a site where you could stick
  something up that only gets released in the
  event of your death? BTW: Spike Milligan's
  gravestone also comes to mind, "I told you I
  was ill."

  * CLEVER iPHONE IDEA - collapsibletank writes,
  "I think it would be ace if there was an iPhone
  document reader which could zoom in to way
  beyond the screen boundary, so you could slide
  the phone around on the desk and have the
  accelerometers push the document around so it
  appears to be stationary on the desk and viewed
  through a little phone window. God I've made it
  sound boring. Fuck it."

  BAG - obviously disgusting but surely they'd
  sell to companies who like punishing their
  employees by denying them fridges.

  Send contributions via the mail form.

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


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  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
  Stevenson. Stuff sent in by the_log_knows,
  Haku, Smale, purple_gromit, Proboscisface,
  cheesefan, Onion-Terror, Crap Little Monkey,
  Dead!, Emily Freud, asciifaceofbob. Top Tippery
  by Rotating Wobbly Hat. Additional linkage and
  image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder
  is QOTW bloke. Subjlols via Colonel Dave-ula.


  Save money on expensive anti-theft markers by
  wanking on all your consumer electronics. Not
  only will it show up under ultra-violet lamps
  but it will contain your own unique DNA as a
  way of tying you to your gadgets.

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