NEWSLETTER: "CLAIRE RAYNER; NOW WITH WINGS!"
This Week:
* TORY - Sir Ian Bowler on Child Benefit
* STORY - "Impaled on my own sculpture"
* RHYMING - This Is England rap
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're starting
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | an ascii art
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| revival... 8==w=)"
B3ta email 450 - 15 OCT 2010
Your own personal Shipman, someone to be your friend:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue450/
Davidians: [email protected]
Branch Davidians: [email protected]
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Other than spit, semen and earwax
>> Sir Ian Bowler, MP on Child Benefit <<
Conservative MP Bowler explains the workings of
the government's new Child Benefit system, with
the aid of his tiny daughter. "I watch with
equal parts pride and guilt," confesses Natt,
"Because she burst into inconsolable tears as
soon as we'd finished."
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Sir_Ian_Bowler_MP_on_Chi...
>> This Is England: The Musical <<
"This took bloody ages to put together," boasts
Dan Bull. He's put out a rap synopsis of film
This is England. Also handy, if you're watching
the televised sequel. "I just found out someone
has already done a rap version of the Ken Loach
film 'Kes'," continues Dan. "This is like a new
variation of rule 34 - if it exists, there's a
rap of it."
http://www.b3ta.com/links/This_Is_England_The_Musi...
>> Tribute to East Grinstead <<
Musical tributes to mediocre towns are ten a
penny, after that Newport one. East Grinstead,
home to Scientologists and Mormons, is an easy
target but Undulating Tentacles and friends
dress up like goons to make this one
outstanding.
http://goo.gl/NINH
>> Wikipedia Vandalism Search <<
Stumbling on graffitied pages is often
entertaining, but it's usually fixed so quickly
these days. So... "I've created a way to make
finding Wikipedia vandalism that bit easier,"
explains monkeon.
http://www.monkeon.co.uk/wikiseedier/
>> Party like it's 1998 <<
"I've been living life in 1998 since Orange
told me I needed to switch off the 3G on my
phone to be able to receive calls or send texts
on it," explains Jon. "I read paper books. I
now use a Nokia 5110, a Sony PlayStation, a
GameBoy Color, and a Sony DiscMan instead of an
iPhone, iPad and iPod. You should try it - it's
liberating!"
http://www.prgeek.net/
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: BONUS SPONSORED LINKY
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Vandalism
Last week we asked for your pointless and petty
acts of vandalism. We've picked out three (well
four) of the most creative:
http://b3ta.com/questions/vandals/
* GNOMES - "One night, back in the days before
late licensing, when the streets were generally
completely deserted after midnight, a group of
us went out for a post drink stroll. We took
with us a large ball of blu-tac, a pair of
scissors, a pot of cocktail sticks, pens and a
big stack of post-it notes. We headed for
Roseland Park, an out of the way area where
people have nice gardens and try hard to keep
them that way. They are also a tasteless bunch
who adorn their front lawns with many a garden
ornament. In the first garden, we picked up a
garden gnome and placed it carefully on the
doorstep with a finely crafted mini banner that
read "I hate fishing" replacing his wooden
fishing rod. In the second garden the gnomes'
banners angrily protested the silly hats they
had been forced to wear by their human
overlords. We went house to house getting a
little braver each time: the last house had two
huge stone lions on the gate posts. With some
effort, we lugged them to outside the front
door with a note that read, "Can we come in
please? It's cold out here." (PhillieJoe)
* FOOOM - "A foam fire extinguisher works by
mixing 2 liquids that produce huge amounts of
foam at fairly high pressure. Having got hold
of a number of packets of the chemical mix from
a fireman mate, we put them to good use in the
public bar gents bogs of the Great Western Pub,
Cardiff. We bunged one up to stop it all
flushing away and mixed chem-pack one into the
pan, chem-pack two into the cistern and stirred
well. Having primed the trap, we sat back and
waited for some poor soul to go to the toilets
before following in. Target One was just going
for a piss and looked a bit taken aback to be
followed into the bogs by a load of hairy-arsed
drunks, but after a bit more patience, Target
Two entered the drop zone. Trying to stifle
sniggers we were soon rewarded with a big
FLUSH, a slowly building fizzing noise and the
strangled screams of our victim thrashing
around at the lock. Seconds later, a
dishevelled, wild-eyed, foamy mess stumbled out
with his trousers round his knees, gibbering
slightly before making a hasty, semi-naked
exit. The foam had got to almost waist height
before he'd managed to open the door." (RadG)
* YOU CAN'T SAY N-WORD - "Wasn't me but a
friend of mine came home one night to find the
wall of her block of flats covered in graffiti.
She rang the local council to report it and was
told that, unless it was racially or sexually
offensive, there was nothing they could do. At
3am she was outside, armed with a spraycan. The
next day she rang again to say that someone had
painted "XXXX Council are a bunch of queer
n*gger cunts" on her wall and could they do
something about it?" (warneford)
We also love HaroldBishop'sLoveChild for his
Chris Eubank obsession:
http://b3ta.com/questions/vandals/post900164
>> This Week's Question <<
What would you like to achieve before you die?
Beyond getting out of bed and maybe having a
wank, that is. Talk to us here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/wishlist/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> "I was impaled by my own sculpture" <<
"My mum fell onto a sculpture of hers and had
50 inches of metal rod go through her left arm,
lengthways," explains Haku. "She managed to cut
herself free. My mum is amazing."
http://goo.gl/mWth
>> Diver faces <<
Ha! This is what it would look like if men gave
birth. We like mocking athletes, as it makes up
for always being picked last in PE.
http://goo.gl/dGEV
>> Gay sex vs straight sex - the stats <<
Dating site stat analysis that crunches the
numbers to examine myths about gay and straight
sexuality and promiscuity. Interesting stuff,
although you could argue the sample is skewed
by the fact that it's gathered from a site for
people interested in dating, rather than
hook-ups.
http://blog.okcupid.com/index.php/gay-sex-vs-strai...
>> Lesbians who look like Justin Bieber <<
Does the Justin Bieber haircut have a name? You
know, have a long fridge and comb it sideways
like that's not going to fall in your eyes at
all times. Anyway, this website reckons it's a
surprisingly popular look for young ladies
averse to the cock.
http://lesbianswholooklikejustinbieber.tumblr.com/
>> Is Thatcher Dead Yet? <<
Can't be too long now! Love the social
integration of all this - look for parties in
your area etc.
http://www.isthatcherdeadyet.co.uk/
>> Why going to prison is dreadful <<
Written by a 4channer who just did two years.
Alarming bits include how he grew a fingernail
to cut open his thigh and push codeine tablets
into his bloodsteam. Don't go to jail, kids.
http://www.teamliquid.net/forum/viewmessage.php
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: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
109 cats in jumpers
A certain breed of slightly twee cat owner
likes nothing better than to dress their pet up
in little pullovers - a quick bit of google
image research and somebody has built a hit
web-page out of it. The internet: turning
kittens into AdSense pennies since 2004.
http://www.buzzfeed.com/expresident/109-cats-in-sw...
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Joke bones with the marrow funny sucked out
>> Banksy directs 'controversial' Simpsons intro <<
As you almost certainly know already,
graffitist and self-publicist extraordinaire
Banksy has directed an intro for the Simpsons.
Grimly funny, although the genuine revelation
for us was how very annoyed Korean people get
when you slag off their country.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Banksy_directs_genuine_S...
>> Sesame Street: Smell Like A Monster <<
Sesame street parody of that Old Spice ad, to
teach kids how to use the word "on".
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Sesame_Street_Smell_Like...
>> It doesn't do anything <<
Doesn't do, doesn't do, do anything. It doesn't
do anything. Doesn't do, doesn't do. It doesn't
do anything. Miiiaaaaoooooooooowwwww!
http://www.b3ta.com/links/It_Doesnt_Do_Anything
>> Kitty pleads for better food <<
Aww. Fluffy little kitty begs, literally begs,
for something different to eat. So cute!
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Kitty_pleads_for_better_...
>> Awesome light show on a 3D surface <<
Amazing stuff, as plain, white boxes are made
to look like the City of freaking Tomorrow.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Awesome_Light_Show_on_a_...
>> Sexeh sexeh laydee <<
The problem with pies is often the outside
looks lovely, smooth and golden, but the first
mouthful turns out to be a big lump of gnarled
gristle. Anyway, here's a video of a girl
cleaning her car or something.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Sexeh_sexeh_laydee
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Monster Challenge
Last week we wanted you to create B-movie
monsters
Your favourites included:
* BISCUITS - bourbons, jammie dodgers,
chocolate digestives, the lot (James Cupboard)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10213362
* CLANGERS - conspiracy theorists, pay
attention: Oliver Postgate was behind 9/11
(claptonista)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10212399
* WHOOPS - there's no more dangerous monster
than a clumsy monster (Happy Toast)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10213489
All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/monsters/
>> New challenge: Squirrels in History <<
It's a fact: we love the fluffeh manimals here
on b3ta. So this week we're challenging you to
chart the impact of squirrels throughout
history. Challenge suggested by maiden
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/squirrels/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* MORE CRANK EMAILS - Mr Nerdy-Speccy-FuckNuts
writes, "So I decided to email Nickelodeon
back... If you read the first post, the one
that got newslettered, then this will make
sense to you. If not I suggest you read the
first one before you read this one. Hope you
enjoy it!"
http://sendthemanemail.blogspot.com/
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: FRIDAY GAME
Electric Box 2
Anthony Sennett writes, "I did what you said
and went on Kongregate. Here's the second
instalment of Electric Box." Shiiiiit, that's
our afternoon screwed then. Hope they don't do
an iPhone version or we'll really be fucked.
http://www.kongregate.com/games/TwinkleStarGames/e...
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* MY LAST WORDS - Claire Rayner karked it this
week and delivered some of the finest last
words ever, "Tell David Cameron that if he
screws up my beloved NHS I'll come back and
bloody haunt him." We reckon there's no chance
on earth that we'll be in a position to think
up anything great at the point of death, so
what about a site where you could stick
something up that only gets released in the
event of your death? BTW: Spike Milligan's
gravestone also comes to mind, "I told you I
was ill."
* CLEVER iPHONE IDEA - collapsibletank writes,
"I think it would be ace if there was an iPhone
document reader which could zoom in to way
beyond the screen boundary, so you could slide
the phone around on the desk and have the
accelerometers push the document around so it
appears to be stationary on the desk and viewed
through a little phone window. God I've made it
sound boring. Fuck it."
* TEA BAGS WITH DRIED MILK-POWDER INSIDE THE
BAG - obviously disgusting but surely they'd
sell to companies who like punishing their
employees by denying them fridges.
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
Stevenson. Stuff sent in by the_log_knows,
Haku, Smale, purple_gromit, Proboscisface,
cheesefan, Onion-Terror, Crap Little Monkey,
Dead!, Emily Freud, asciifaceofbob. Top Tippery
by Rotating Wobbly Hat. Additional linkage and
image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder
is QOTW bloke. Subjlols via Colonel Dave-ula.
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TOP TIP:
Save money on expensive anti-theft markers by
wanking on all your consumer electronics. Not
only will it show up under ultra-violet lamps
but it will contain your own unique DNA as a
way of tying you to your gadgets.
