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This Week:
* EXCITEMENT - There's a thing on the internet!
* THRILLS - Some of our friends know MYSQL!
* SPILLS - Oops, there goes our tea

________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ | "We're getting poorer     
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |     in our content 
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|  dungeon... together"

B3ta 'virtual reality turnip' 469 - 4 March 2011

Shit this out your content pipe:

Civil Partnership:[email protected]
Uncivil P'ship: [email protected]

  Wonderful, lovely T-Shirts
  Charlie Sheen continues to lose the plot as
  world watches in wonder. ShotDead makes t-shirts
  to support Charlie on his mission. Click here to
  see all of our amazingly dumb t-shirts and get
  10% off with code B3TA. Oh, and free shipping
  over £50...

  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want this space? Then talk to us.


  Oscars, Maths, Lego, Cats and Cameras

  >> Colin Firth's Oscar acceptance speech <<
  The King's Speech star rather movingly accepts
  his award. Nicely done, ratbanjos.

  >> Enthusiastic maths <<
  "Here's my fast, rambling talk containing
  Euler's Identity (and other maths), explained in
  five minutes. Hard stuff is fun," explains the
  impeccably-bearded WrittenBittern. This is like
  the Open University as a stand-up gig - we
  didn't understand it, but it was fun to try to
  follow along.

  >> Album covers recreated in LEGO. <<
  "Take a looky," writes Lego and music fan

  >> Cat vs Cat & Printer - The Translation <<
  A cheeky cat winds up his friend, as they hang
  round the printer. Slurpy J lends his golden
  vocal chords to another popular youTube vid.

  >> Camera Capture <<
  "This is my attempt at discovering what those
  strange modes on your digital camera do," blurts
  Sheep! Kids, don't try this at home.


  BragItUp.com - Miserable weather. Need a
  holiday. Just got paid. Find luxury holiday
  deals with up to 70% off from Voyage Prive.
  Deals today include Sechelles, Berlin, Jamaica,
  Amsterdam.... (linky sponsored)


  Drunk Parents

  Old people? Drunk? How do you think we were all
  conceived in the first place, lovely readers?
  Snigger at the drunkards here:

  * POO - "Back in the mid 80s my grandfather had
  an allotment and an arrangement with a local
  farmer to get cheap horse manure as fertilizer.
  When I was 4 or 5 my grandfather called up my
  old man to ask if we'd come and help him. So
  next day my father and grandfather toddle off
  to the farmer's with a barrow to pick up a load
  of shit for the allotment. Hours pass. My mother
  and grandmother, wondering where they've got to,
  decide to check the local pub. We walk up there
  to find my very drunk father, my very drunk
  grandfather, and a very drunk friend of my
  grandfather's being hosed off in the car park by
  the landlord. Apparently they'd picked up the
  shit from the farm and had been wheeling it back
  to the allotments next to the pub when they'd met
  an old Navy friend of my grandfather's, who'd
  suggested a break for light refreshment in the
  pub. They'd sat outside, barrow of shit at their
  table, and had sunk several pints when an argument
  erupted. My grandfather, a reasonable fellow, had
  dipped his hand into the squishy barrow of horse
  poop and thrown a wet clod directly into my
  father's face. He'd responded in kind and then
  degenerated into a sort of three-way shit-flinging
  competition, jumping around like drunken chimps,
  chucking faeces at each other until the landlord
  came out with a hosepipe and separated them.
  They both slept in the conservatory that night."
  * HORSE - "After a Christmas party one year, my
  parents went upstairs, presumably, to go to bed.
  Ten minutes later, I could hear thumps and muffled
  giggling coming from the upstairs landing. Unsure
  what I was about to see, I went to investigate.
  There, on the landing, were my parents, draped in
  a bedsheet and bumping into walls. "What the fuck
  are you two doing?" After a bit more giggling,
  mum's voice came floating out from under the sheet,
  "We're being a horse!"
  (Smash Monkey)
  * PWNED - "My Dad rarely gets drunk in front of
  the family; but back in the 70s he was a bit of
  a wild child. He was into punk and had a large
  multi-coloured Mohican. Travelling back from a
  gig a bit worse for wear he sat opposite an oldish
  type of chap who was just staring at my dad’s hair.
  After about ten minutes, he decided that he wasn’t
  going to take it anymore and piped up with,
  "What are you staring at old man? Have you never
  done anything crazy before?” To which the old man
  replied, without a pause, "Got drunk once and had
  sex with a Cockatiel... I was just wondering if
  you were my son?”

  >> This Week's Question <<
  How stupid are your colleagues? Who is barely
  able to walk and talk at the same time? Remember,
  if you can't think of anyone, it's you. Talk to
  us here:


  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> Ace Google Street View images << 
  An awesome selection of excellent Streetview
  images. Or are they just street photography,
  with the google interface whapped on in
  Photoshop? Who knows? Good though.

  >> Imagine a Jump <<
  Nicely done John Lennon vs Van-Halen mash-up.
  Who would have thought Van Halen could be so

  >> You are not a photographer <<
  Snarky blog showing dreadful photos from people
  who've set up as professional photographers.
  Some dreadful photoshop abuse here.

  >> Cats quote Charlie Sheen <<
  When someone very publicly has a mental
  breakdown, the internet reacts in two ways:
  adding their quotes to lolcats; adding their
  quotes to New Yorker cartoons. Here's the cats.
  Disappointingly no "tiger blood".

  >> Free food for greedy bastards <<
  Fantastic news, if your taste runs to 28-inch
  pizzas, 50-pound burgers or face-melting phaal -
  a round-up of (mostly US-based) restaurants
  where, if you finish the meal you get it for
  free. Is there a list for the UK massive?

  >> 3D animated GIFs <<
  Faux-3D animated GIFs - just take 2 pics very
  close together and then flip between them. We
  really like this sort of thing.


  Like TV but not owned by Rupert Murdoch

  >> Cocky school fun <<
  Niblet writes, "Just looking at the video links
  on Google Maps, noticed this video from my local
  secondary school, nice to see an age old
  tradition has been brought up to date..." Click
  the video in the middle of the map.

  >> Animal Beatbox <<
  Jonti Picking first noticed the ryhthmic
  potential of repeated animal names with his
  classic 'Badger Badger Badger.' An idea that
  lives on with awesome mentalness.

  >> Radiohead vs. fish <<
  Thom's odd dancing in Lotus Flower made us think
  of Frank Gallagher on a bad E, with a bit of
  Kate Bush and Talking Heads thrown in. Still,
  he's got less of a belly that most of the dads
  at the school gate and his moves are a gift to
  internet-lolsters. Our only critism is this
  could be longer.

  >> Mental bike race <<
  The VCA bike race is just fucking nuts - held
  every year in Chile and obviously utterly
  lethal. And props to this guy doing it in a
  pinstripe city suit.

  >> Google's automatic cars <<
  Do you know someone who earns their living
  through driving? Tell them to retrain. And if
  you think stuff like this wouldn't be allowed on
  our roads then don't underestimate the power of
  business to lobby government to do what they
  bloody like. Still, cool, cool tech.

  >> Obligatory funny cat video <<
  We've turned a corner in cat vids - it used to
  be enough to see a kitten do something cute like
  fall asleep, then we moved onto stronger stuff
  like watching them jump into walls. The latest 
  trends appear to be punking cats to make them 
  look stupid. Be warned internet, this can only
  end with fireworks strapped to cats. Ooh, and 
  speaking of things we'd like to see next week...*

  *NO. It's a joke. Not that. PLEASE.

  Results from the Kittenscience Challenge

  Last week we wanted you to picture kittens.
  Doing science.

  Your favourites included:
  * SCHRÖDINGER - the startling truth behind
  *that* bin incident (tokyosexwhale)

  * CHAOS - Keyboard Cat struggles to control his
  latest experiment (randomscally)

  * SURVEY - like the census, but for cats (mofaha)

  All these images, and the highest as voted by
  you can be found here:

  >> New challenge: LEGO <<
  Lego celebrated its 50th anniversary in 2008,
  but we're marking the occasion right now with a
  one-word challenge: LEGO! Suggested by epiphany,
  Afinkawan, The Great Architect and op op op op op


  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * CYBERSEX CREDITS - John Q Wagonwheel writes,
  "Re: cyber sex in the latest newsletter. This is
  the work of Doug Stanhope, him off of Screenwipe
  and a brilliant comedian. He practically
  invented cybersex chatroom trolling, and there
  are sites full of his exploits." Hmm, 10 seconds
  on Wikipedia gives us "In October 2006, he
  self-published a book, Fun with Pedophiles: The
  Best of Baiting." Lovely stuff.

  * NEW ZEALAND COMPLAINTS - Marcus Gower writes,
  "I think that the top tip about the Ants and New
  Zealand was maybe stretching it to far. I'm
  living in the North Island but I know people who
  have been affected by the earthquake and it's not
  been nice for our little country. To make up for
  it, why don't you post a link to the Red Cross so
  people could donate to help us out?" OK Marcus.
  But we're only doing this because we think NZ
  might be a nice place to hide when America loses
  grip on the Middle East and tries to nuke China.

  * BANK GOTH FUN - RACETRAITOR writes, "About the bank vs
  customer story, I actually met that guy last
  summer in a place where Americans aren't allowed
  to visit. Just wanted to come to his defence:
  he's not a goth. He's a sanguinarian vampire.
  Here's a video that explains it better."

  * FRETTED CELLO - "I'm sure a gazillion people
  have already mentioned this, but 'a cello with
  guitar tuning and frets' already exists: it's
  called an arpeggione, and was meant to enable
  classical guitarists to play 'cello-like things
  by learning a few bowing techniques. Some
  luthiers make them nowadays, even some electric
  ones. But yes, I want one too. Especially a
  plastic one."


  Famous objects from classic movies
  Ring. Bike with basket. Suitcase with glowing
  stuff inside it. What movies are these? 

  This linky was everywhere this week, and was
  created by designer Ji Lee from the Google
  Creative Lab, who are "recruiting an army of
  young creative and tech talent, training them
  and sending them out into the industry to
  conquer it from within." An extraordinary policy
  that's a bit like the Borg.



  Make something cool and tell us about it. If you
  are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include:

  * THEHONESTIFICATOR - Ben Goldacre writes,
  "Apparently the Government have leaned on the
  BBC to use the word 'savings' instead of 'cuts'.
  Be nice if someone made something that
  re-substituted 'cuts' back in." Hmm, we had a
  quick go but we're sure our members could do a
  better job of it:
  * RETRO NATIONAL RAIL GAME - *not logged in*
  writes, "This would make an awesome map for an
  old Spectrum-style game."

  * IDEAS FOR NEW JOBS - seeing that globalisation
  and tech is swallowing up all the old ones. 

  Send contributions via the mail form.

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look at
  everything you send us.


  Lovers:  [email protected]
  Haterz:  [email protected]


  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
  Stevenson. Stuff sent in by mums who love cock,
  spunky-dunky, sausagesarenotheonlyfruit,
  aidsbreath, i'll-pay-you-with-my-rape-stick,
  sinisterduck, Meglos, @CakeGroup, @Aiannucci,
  jesushairdresser, Si o doom, rikweber, xixax,
  hiraeth, @whatwhated @MelTheDroog, nocturne72,
  @LDNCalling. Top Tippery by Rotating Wobbly Hat
  Additional linkage and image challenge by Fraser
  Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Subjlols via

  Makers of automobile commercials! Give the cars
  number plates with symmetrical characters i.e.
  numbers 1,8 and 0 and any letters from
  A,H,I,M,O,T,U,V,W,X and Y. In any combination,
  it doesn't matter. That way you can film the
  advert once and then flip the image for adverts
  in markets with left hand drive instead of
  right-hand and the image doesn't look wrong.

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