NEWSLETTER: "HAPPY BIRTHDAY ANDRE AGASSI!"
This Week:
* BOLLOCKS - to the Royals
* BOLOCKS - to the Tories
* AND BOLLOCKS - to the whole damn lot of it
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're blithering
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | about random
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| shit... together"
B3ta email 476 - 29 Apr 2011
Read this issue wearing a silly hat:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue476/
Subscribe: [email protected]
Unsub: [email protected]
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: SPONSORED LINK
Family Guy sick jokes
Do you like jokes? Are you stuck for something
funny to stick as your status on Facebook? Help
is at hand, thanks Family Guy
http://sickjok.es/jE5srb
>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then twitter us on myspace.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Other than small furry hats called bob
>> Let Them Eat Cake <<
Although we think the Royal Wedding's a big pile
of stinky horse poo, we can't help but enjoy
Smerv's game about it. Give it a whirl - it's
much cheaper than a tin of soggy Kate and
William biscuits.
http://www.letthemeatcakegame.co.uk/
>> Hugh Grant wins an internet <<
There's more to Hugh Grant than playing a series
of bumbling posh blokes in Richard Curtis
movies. Good old Hughie has been a crafty chap
and secretly recorded a conversation with a
former NotW phone tapper - the results were
published in the New Statesman. B3tan Housewife
(aka Dan Bull) has gone one stage further and
made this:
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Hugh_Grant_wins_an_inter...
>> Misery Bear's Wedding <<
Here's one for the suicidally depressed amongst
you. It's glum, it's gloomy and they won't be
putting it on any commemorative crockery. Thanks
ratbanjos.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Misery_Bears_Wedding
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
World of Random
Last week we were looking for the random
coincidences and happenings that make life
fun. Of course, that didn't stop you complaining
about how the word "random" is being misused:
http://b3ta.com/questions/randomstuff/
* "There's been a spate of things nailed to
poles around our way recently. There's a set of
dining chairs AND the table about 15 foot up a
series of telegraph poles. The sad thing being
they're in better nick than the ones we use at
home. There's also been nailed up: fake bacon
and eggs, fake vegetables, a fake parrot and
real, yet dead, octopus." We're guessing Easter
Tribute Art. (dchurch)
* "Walking back from a happy evening spent in
the pub, myself, my daughter and my son. We'd
had a lovely time, eaten from the barbeque,
they'd played on the slides and climbing frame
with the other kids, the sun was setting and we
got to talking as we walked. "I know it's been a
bit strange, moving to another school, a new
house with only a little garden and all that,
but you've both held up really well, and I'm
proud of you both." Both littlies went a bit
quiet, then my son tucked his hand into mine and
squeezed as he said, "It's OK Mum, in fact it
could be a lot worse." "How's that son?" "We
could live in a potato!" (Beer Elf)
* "Last week I saw a BIG (6'9" ish) Jamaican
Rasta dude, dreads down to his arse, shades, the
lot, walking hand-in-hand with a little white
kid of about 8 or 9. Suddenly, without
prompting, comment or reason, they both started
skipping, and danced down the street. Sometimes
I fucking adore London." (A Vagabond)
>> This Week's Question: Compo winners <<
Are you a winner? Have you won anything more
than a subscription to Readers Digest? Boast
here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/winning/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Movies as barcodes <<
Ever wondered what colour your favourite movie
was? This unusual and strangely compelling blog
takes a selection of well known movies and
analyses them according to the colours that
dominate them at different points. The result is
something that looks like a multicoloured bar
code. We especially liked the one about Piranha
which ends in blood red (no sign of Kelly Brook).
http://bit.ly/fSRhID
>> Awfully photoshopped Russian wedding pictures <<
In the 80s, Sting sang "The Russians love their
children too", but not as much, it seems, as
they love their Photoshop. This parade of truly
ghastly wedding pictures presents a series of
snaps that have all been photoshopped to buggery.
http://goo.gl/JiAUC
>> The Toaster Project <<
A guy is making a toaster from scratch. As he
puts it: "I'm Thomas Thwaites and I'm trying to
build a toaster, from scratch - beginning by
mining the raw materials and ending with a
product that Argos sells for only £3.99. A
toaster." Proving we'd all be fucked if the
Chinese ever say: "no! you can't use our
sweatshops for your electronics."
http://www.thetoasterproject.org/
>> Yugoslav war memorials <<
Some pictures of WW2 memorials from the 60s and
70s. Every single one like a 90s Pink Floyd CD
cover. Also check out the rest of the blog - kept
us entertained for hours.
http://goo.gl/XrpXN
>> Non-bullshit fables <<
If classic fairytales told the truth...
http://goo.gl/SsDEz
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
In the week that The Daily Mail discovered GIFS
>> Is your Cat confused about AV? <<
This clever and extremely entertaining
explanation of the AV system just had to be made
with B3ta in mind and got us wondering if the
Lib Dems were deliberately courting the B3ta
vote. Or maybe a B3tan has taken the Clegg
shilling? We can but speculate, but this is
excellent work.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Is_your_Cat_confused_abo...
>> 13 mins of vagina wonder <<
Sex education can be alarming to the adolescent
male and this strangely Lovecraftian short film
takes fear of the furry cup to a new level. We
were wondering if this was some kind of obscure
propaganda made for junior homosexuals.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Lovecraftian
>> More loathsome royal shit <<
We always enjoy a good mash up (the very
expression takes us back to 2002 when we still
had our own teeth) and liked this sexed up
collection of Kate n Wills interviews. A timely
antidote to the weekend's wall to wall wedding
coverage.
http://youtu.be/HiXQHBeC2dI
>> Dinner dinner dinner BATMAN! <<
We want to watch this film but sadly it doesn't
exist. A Christian Bale fan has taken loads of
clips of their favourite star and woven it into
a trailer for "The Batman Complex". The concept
is intriguing: Batman is nothing more than a
paranoid fantasy in Christian Bale's head.
http://bit.ly/jHlk4t
>> Adam Buxton reads out YouTube comments <<
We've all groaned at the lame, dumb and frankly
toxic comments posted on YouTube and absolutely
loved this clip of Adam Buxton reading them out
to a live audience. Genius.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Adam_Buxton_reads_out_Yo...
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the fatty challenge
Last week we wanted you to find new uses for fat
people.
Your favourites included:
* GOOD PENNY points out the moral weirdness that
it's perfectly OK to bash fatties but not
blacks, jews and wheelchair users. We disagree,
it's ok to bash anyone and anything for cheap
laughs; personally we like bashing bishops.
http://b3ta.com/board/10398635
Actually there weren't really any other
favourites in this dog egg of a challenge, which
was overwhelmingly chosen by the B3tans, then
rejected by them. Check the votes:
http://b3ta.com/board/10397104
It reminds us of New Labour policy under Philip
Gould, where everything was focus grouped to
fuck, then everything went to shit. Watch
episode 4 of the Adam Curtis documentary The
Century of Self if this reference intrigues you.
Anyway, all these images, and the highest as
voted by you can be found here:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/usefulfatties/
>> New challenge: Royal Wedding <<
Last week we wanted you to engage in photoshop
regicide and hopefully not get arrested like our
favourite anarchists the Love Police.
http://b3ta.com/challenge/royalwedding/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* FUCKSTICKS! Kunt writes, "Please pass on my
thanks to all the b3tans that helped our Royal
Wedding song Fucksticks get to 63 in the proper
charts. In the space of 3 days our sales got
nobbled and our YouTube channel shut down - a
moral victory! Cheers again, Kunt."
* B3TAN WRITES BOOK - James Mylet writes, "Hey
B3ta. I've been a member for a member for 8
years, 7 months and 6 days. My first book comes
out this Thursday. Is there any way you could
put it in the mail out? B3ta is mentioned in the
book and Bono is called a cock a lot. If you
could mention it it would be really appreciated.
Christopher Brookmyre gave me a really good
quote for it too."
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/085738067...
* SPEAKING OF AMAZON - @brianftang asks, "el
Amazon suggested I might want to buy this. Why?"
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B001N6T4S...
* CHOPPER-LOOK-A-UPPER - zacherynuk writes, "In
response to Newsletter 475. Just enter the
registration and up comes the owner. Scary
really, as privately owned aircraft usually have
the person's home address. For example, a
particularly busy helicopter is G-SKYN."
http://goo.gl/MJ9Lw
* YOUR FACE ON DRUGS - David Medeiros writes,
"Re your most recent newsletter request for a
"meth-me-up" generator, there's already one at
in20years.com. Allows you to upload a face and
age it 20 or 30 years, including 'drug addict'
option for that extra-creepy peek at the future.
Works especially well on pictures of Justin
Bieber."
http://www.in20years.com
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: FRIDAY GAME
Royal Wedding Drinking Game
1. Don't watch the Royal Wedding
2. Get drunk
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* KITTEN MIRROR - richardtyronejones asks,
"Something I'd like to have invented would be
the 'Kitten Mirror'. Every time you look in it,
you are surrounded by lovely 3-D kittens. With
the latest 3D flatscreen technology, it should
be do-able for under a grand I reckon."
* A T-SHIRT THAT MAKES YOU LOOK SLIM - we're
embarrassed how fat the internet has made us.
* A CURE FOR HAYFEVER THAT WORKS - our best idea
is to keep moving round the world so we avoid
Spring altogether but sadly we're as poor as
church mice - and just as sneezy.
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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Subscribe: [email protected]
Unsubscribe: [email protected]
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
Stevenson. Stuff sent in by the rapist that pays
the rent, @editorialgirl, Golgot100,
@Treiziemesalope, @rymix, @brianftang, spacehog,
@beepthebeep, Dixon Bawls, Lord Gnome, tacpprm &
Smale. Top Tippery by A Vagabond. Additional
linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry.
Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. And @kardinal69
writes, "Please mention @charltonbrooker & his
campaign #donaldtrumpisabellend."
#donaldtrumpisabellend #donaldtrumpisabellend
#donaldtrumpisabellend. Subjlols via @AtotheL.
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TOP TIP:
Fool gerbils into thinking they're rats by
whispering "You are a rat ... you are a rat ...
" continuously to them as they sleep.
