we love the web
email us

next issue »
« previous issue

This Week:
* CHALLENGE - make us an Xmas card
* PHILOSOPHY - stamped on kitten's faces
* PIERS MORGAN - most hated man on twitter. Fact.

________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |    "We're filling the      
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ | collective unconsciousness 
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|  with kittens... together"  

B3ta email 558  - 7th Dec 2012 - Blue Marble Day

Read this issue after inhaling farts:

   Lovers :  [email protected]
   Shovers : [email protected]

  Community Service Variety Show (live)

  Just some hard-working Guys trying to cope with
  the new economic world order. The top telly hit
  is now coming to London in May in a stage show
  and dance routine*
  *We think Dirty Burger in Kentish Town is named
  in their honour and to be honest this is the
  only reason why it has gone in the newsletter.



  >> Kitten based philosophy <<
  Friedrich Nietzsche (1844-1890) originated the
  Übermensch - a kind of remote control for Louise
  Mensch. Now he's back and this time with more
  kittens, @Erocdrahs informs us: "I made an
  automated tumblr which adds Nietzsche quotes to
  pictures of cats." All we can say is "Dog is
  dead, and we have killed him." 

  >> Piers Morgan's Mob Trumps <<
  Monkeon writes, "Basically, Top Trumps using
  the swearing of Twitter hate mobs as data to
  prove that Piers Morgan is the most loathed
  person on Twitter." He is! He is! How exciting 
  for our opinions to be on trend for once.

  >> Underwater Ballroom <<
  Davideo writes, "This isn't my usual thing but
  it blew me away when I heard about it: a
  Victorian likeable rogue used investors' money to
  build himself a lavish pad including an
  underwater ballroom / billiard room, which took
  600 men to dig out. I just had to see and 
  photograph it but, as it's not open to the public,
  we had to do it Urbex style." Oh the follies
  of the rich. Oh to be rich and make such folly.

  >> Cliff Richards V Slipknot <<
  Pig Face Turnip writes, "Cliff Richards has had
  a make over. Made with fellow B3ta man
  pibennett." In a better world this would be 
  Xmas number 1.


  No Self-Awareness
  Last week we wanted stories of life's dreamers,
  drifters and armpitty stink farmers who just
  don't seem to notice their impact on others. Go
  read how Frank Snow lost his job here:

  * SUSHI - "Back when I was a lazy uni student,
  I'd pass the day pleasantly stoned and go get
  take-away sushi for lunch. The restaurant was in
  a food court in a nearby shopping centre. That
  day, in front of the counter were a man in a
  tuxedo and a woman in a black cocktail dress.
  They were a very beautiful couple with big
  smiles. I stood next to them trying to order.
  The owner was standing off to the side and, 
  instead of coming over, he started signaling for
  me to come to him, a look of fear on his face.
  Ignoring this, I stayed put and yelled that
  I'd like the nigiri special. He gave me a funny
  look but started to prepare it which, in
  hindsight, showed a certain business acumen. I
  looked at the couple who were now staring at me
  and gave them a friendly smile. There was
  something strange about them I couldn't quite
  put my finger on, something too perfect and not
  quite real. I waited while the owner put
  together my sushi, took my money and handed me
  the bag. It was only then that I turned
  around... and noticed the semi-circle of film
  crew, cameras, sound technicians and two really
  bright studio lights focused on the couple. Totally
  oblivious, I'd walked into a live advertising
  shoot and ordered sushi. And the owner had sold
  it to me." (cumquat may)
  * TONSURE - "Our MD was single for many years
  until 2010, when he hit his 50s, lost three
  stone and started making an effort to see more
  of the world, especially lady parts. He met a
  woman who he now lives with. Unfortunately
  he's regained the weight and a little more,
  developed a perfectly circular bald patch,
  allowed his new beau to cut the rest of his
  hair, dyed the grey out and has taken part in
  Movember. No-one has the heart to tell him that
  he looks like a gay paedophile monk." (Munsta)
  * SPACE - "I used to know a guy who, although
  quite a nice chap had no sense of personal
  space. Chatting to him at a party once, I found
  myself backing away as he stood closer and
  closer to me. Once I reached the wall I was
  trapped; he actually stood so close to me I
  didn't have room to drink from the glass I was
  holding." (Professor Kenny Martin)

  >> This Week - MADE ME LAUGH <<
  Has anything happened recently that's made you
  laugh? We need cheering up, share the joy here:


  KLF: Chaos Magic Music Money
  Most pop biographies are a dull patchwork of
  clippings - this is something else - taking in
  the ideas of Jung, Robert Anton Wilson and Alan
  Moore, it explores the extraordinary world of
  Bill Drummond the man who burnt a million quid in
  an act more relevant than ever. "We didn't use
  our money to make a comment on art - but our art
  to make a comment on money." Read it now, then
  burn a lottery ticket whilst listening to Shag
  Times and wondering what ideas you are
  contributing to the collective unconsciousness. 


  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> Tom Waits Nyan Cat <<
  It's Tom Waits' birthday today - he's 63 - and
  what better way to celebrate than with a Nyan Cat
  style animation? Also an accurate reproduction of
  Tom's visions after a night swallowing his own

  >> Missed high fives <<
  The glorious piquancy of someone going for a
  high five and it just not happening. Not a
  problem for us, as our preferred method of
  greeting is the cock punch. Even with children.

  >> Wearable Hummingbird Feeder <<
  Celebrate the legalisation of marijuana in
  Washington not with the mind-shrinking
  suggestions of the local PD - watch Lord of the
  Rings and eat pizza - but instead by getting
  stoned and engaging in one of the most intense
  experiences imaginable: asking a hummingbird to
  feed from your face. 

  >> Food mosh <<
  Compression artefacts are the new shorthand for
  reality breaking. When will the first movie be
  made where the lead notices visual glitches in
  real life and uses them to break through the
  programming to find out about the world that
  created this one?

  >> The ACME product catalogue <<
  Screencaps of those peculiar products so beloved
  by baddies in Warner Bros cartoons. We can't
  help but feel there are still a few missing

  >> HTTP Status Rappers <<
  Great URL, nice use of illustrative rappers.


  Noisy Animated GIFS that don't loop 

  * LEGEND OF DIGITAL ZELDA - better stop motion
  than we can do.

  * PIKACHU ON ACID - just remember kids, if you
  are going to take psychedelics make sure you get
  with nature and don't go to McDonalds or
  something crap.

  * CHEERFUL BLOKE SINGS SONG - unkmari writes
  "I've flagged up stuff by this guy before and he
  keeps on coming up with fab and unique vids for
  his really catchy songs. Latest is all about
  London (and can't get more topical???) with lots
  of cheeky references and he has animated it all
  himself, totally nutty - surely worth a plug and
  he really deserves it..."


  Shit your pants game
  Benjamin Turquier writes, "Dear Magic Donkey,
  please accept this 'you pooped your pants at
  work and have to escape' flash game." The Donkey
  accepts the offering and brays.


  Results from the Real Life Movie Poster 

  Last week we wanted you to recreate 
  famous movie posters using nothing more
  than real life

  Your favourites included:
  * ENORMOUS: gigantic moustachioed towel-
    headed man/lady trashes fancy apartment 
  * SPY: iconic Bond image rendered via the
    medium of fancy tux and bog roll tube

  * RUN: classic movie fleeing aided by
    balloon whisk and wooden spoons
  All these images, and the highest as voted by
  you can be found here:

  >> New challenge: Christmas Cards <<
  Make some Christmas cards - nice, nasty, 
  whatever you think - just design some 
  stuff you think would be fun to send. 
  Then print them out, and actually send 



  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * PRINTABLE KINDLE BOOKS - might sound dumb but
  increasingly quirky and interesting books are
  skipping print and going straight to Kindle.
  Fine for us but some people refuse to read
  eBooks. Can we have a print button please? Post
  them off to Lulu etc.
  * PR TAX IDEA - companies that DO pay tax could
  start printing a breakdown on their products.
  "This coffee is x% tax, x% profit x% wages x%
  production" etc.
  * CYBER-LINES - at school we'd be disciplined
  with lines. Why not a web version for netiquette
  errors? 50 times x "I shall not RT praise" for
  you sunshine. And no cut and paste.

  Send contributions via the mail form.

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


    CTRL C:  [email protected]
    CTRL X:  [email protected]


  This issue was written by Simon le Bon with Nick
  Beggs from Kajagoogoo. Stuff sent in by David
  Sylvian, Toyah, the bloke with hair in his eyes
  from Flock of Seagulls, Jez (still throwing off
  his mental chains) and Tony Hadley (although one
  of the Kemps told him what to say and he's still
  bitter about it), also @unclewilco, Mr
  Eraserhead, @olivia_solon and @achrismiller.
  Image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is
  QOTW bloke. Top tips via A Vagabond.
  You spin me right round, baby right round, like
  an Ogg Vorbis high quality digital multimedia
  file baby, right round round round.

  Distract the masses from the stinking pool of
  stagnant, open nepotism within the ruling elite
  by forcing Kate Middleton to announce her
  pregnancy early.

  BTW the person who sent in this tip? "Pep
  yourself up in secret by writing supportive
  messages on your own Facebook wall, while
  setting viewing permissions to 'Only Me.' Nobody
  else will ever know, but you'll see it in your
  feed." You made us sad reading that.

next issue »
« previous issue