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This is a question Abusing freebies

A friend of mine recently attended a 'Champaign Lunch', where he was compelled drink as much fizzy stuff as he could between the first and last courses. In an ideal world we'd ask restaurant staff to tell us stories about fatties stuffing themselves at All You Can Eat places, but we recognise that our members don't all work in the catering trade, so for the rest of you - tell us something about abusing freebies. BTW: Bee puns = you fail.

(, Thu 8 Nov 2007, 14:16)
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They're abusing MY freebies!
As I have mentioned before, I'm an engineer working for a big semiconductor manufacturer. I'm also an American.

American engineers are highly dependent on caffeine.

This is Monday.

I arrived here at 7:00 am, and typically work a 10 hour day to get ten hours of overtime per week. No problem there- I'm hourly, so I get time and a half. But this morning?

I got here, hung up my coat and went to the company cafeteria for my first cup of coffee. I had no cash on me, so I was going to skip breakfast and just stick to the coffee. And then I saw it.

16 oz. coffee- $1.25.

I looked at the elderly woman behind the counter. "They're charging us for coffee?!? Since when?"

"They started this morning."

From her reaction I can only guess at my facial expression, but I would imagine that the sight of a puffy-eyed engineer being charged a large amount for shit coffee would have looked like I was approaching psychotic rage. I snarled, "Those fucking bastards!" And strode from the cafeteria, leaving the coffee behind, to go to the ATM and get cash.

Apparently they decided to lift the charge on coffee for now, as apparently I wasn't the only one to react negatively, but now we know it's coming.

You can ask me to work an absurd schedule. You can test my blood and urine for odd substances. You can require me to go to classes on sexual harrassment or diversity awareness or whatever other wankage you feel is necessary for all employees to attend. But for the sake of one and all-

Do not fuck with my coffee.
(, Mon 12 Nov 2007, 18:32, 15 replies)
Don't have any of my own
But my local newspaper very kindly provided one in tonight's edition....


Way to show your boss you appreciate the night out - lob some bottles around. Even better, its linked to "alleged" previous abuse of an incentive scheme to gain free money.

You couldn't make it up.
(, Mon 12 Nov 2007, 17:02, 2 replies)
Sometime ago...
I found myself in America where I met Barry, Robin and Maurice Gibb. I took the chance to smash them all in their falsetto producing gobs.

That when I abused 'three Bee(gee)s'*

*apologies for length, quality of joke and the tenuous link (click 'I like this' to end me posting anything on B3ta again)
(, Mon 12 Nov 2007, 16:56, Reply)
Free condoms
In Year 7, a lovely lady came to my school one day to give a talk on safe sex, handing out free condoms whilst she was there. Condoms were blown up and let go, whizzing all around the school, driving our teachers completely ape-shit.

When I went off on my first orchestral tour at the tender age of fourteen, my mother insisted on me taking a 12-pack of condoms. I was only going away for a week and had never even kissed a boy before. Condoms got blown up and made into balloon animals on the coach.

Went to the local family planning clinic a few years later to see about going on the pill. The nurse must have thought that I was a chlamydia statistic just waiting to happen as she plied me with hundreds - literally hundreds! - of bright red strawberry-flavoured condoms. Have you ever seen a man sporting a bright red erection? Have you ever seen Satan in the South Park movie? Have you ever rolled around laughing at your man's penis, too hysterical to explain? Not exactly conducive to great sex.

The number of condoms that I have actually used for their intended purpose is far less than the number that I have used as missiles, balloon animals, amusing props, jelly moulds, water balloons and makeshift earrings.
(, Mon 12 Nov 2007, 16:38, 8 replies)
A few years ago
Some muppet at my local bank accidentally put £20s in the £10s slot of an ATM - so people basically got a £20 for every tenner they withdrew.

It's a time consuming process; for example if you withdraw £90, you normally get £80 in 20s and a tenner - so in this case you would have got £100 in 20s. You had to take it out a tenner at a time to get the optimum benefit.

Unfortunately, I only had a tenner in the bank at the time, as it was the day before payday. I withdrew it though, once I heard the rumour going round town about the cockup. Just got in there before the bank turned it off and fixed it.

If only it had happened the following day instead; I could have taken my daily limit of £500 and got a grand for it. Still, a free tenner is better than nothing.
(, Mon 12 Nov 2007, 16:33, 3 replies)
More fishing relat ed freebies
The company I work for fixes and does RAM upgrades on PDA's (HTC, imate, ETEN, 02 etc) and we also manufacture various lines of accessories - sync and charge cables, screen protectors, that kind of thing.
One of our clients is the 4th seeded African-American pro-bass fisherman in the country.
Our first conversation when he first needed some work doing involved him telling me the above, and when I mentioned that I fish and who my team/club are he got very excited about it and thinks it's awesome that girls fish.
So now he'll call our office and won't speak to anyone except me because in exchange for giving him 20% discounts on work and a free supply of screen protectors, he will send the occasional rod, reel, sunglasses, tackle box etc - and we're talking Okuma reels and G-Loomis rods (fucking expensive shit).

Why is that abusing freebies? 'cos every time he calls, it's amazing how one of my rods just broke, or I lost a reel.....
(, Mon 12 Nov 2007, 16:32, Reply)
PLEASE, stop posting 'bee' puns.
It wasn't remotely fucking funny the first time.

Mods, please start deleting them. The last time I posted an oh-so-hilarious ice cream van/cocoa, headphones and wanking story for qotw it got mod-baleeted, and quite right too. Though the previous such story made it to the best page of the preceding qotw. Go figure.
(, Mon 12 Nov 2007, 15:40, 12 replies)
My missus used to live in London, and had a corner shop nearby.

The front door could have done with a lick of paint, and the top shelf mags indicated more about the mores and peccadilloes of the shop owner than perhaps he would have conceded. They were surly, never smiled, and sold overpriced milk. A typical corner shop in short.

She decided to have a couple of papers delivered.

The next Sunday morning, there was a 'plop' (stop sniggering at the back) through the letterbox, and, there, on her floor were the News of the Screws and the Observer. Covering most bases you might say.
A month passed....no bill.
Two months passed... no bill.

She went in once after six months and paid him £25 towards what she felt she owed..but he had no record of her... and, regular as clockwork, the papers kept coming..but she never saw another bill.

Eventually they stopped delivering..FIVE YEARS later. She'd gone off the Observer by then.
(, Mon 12 Nov 2007, 15:34, Reply)
At the last Glastonbury festival
My friend was suddenly desperate to use the loo. There was a massive queue for the toilets, and the only alternative for women were these cardboard things which you urinated into, with a little funnel so it went into a urinal. My friend said there was absolutely no way she'd be using one of those.. with the unfortunate result that she relieved herself onto her own legs!

I think its safe to say that's the last time she'll be refusing ShePees.

(, Mon 12 Nov 2007, 15:10, 3 replies)
i once found a beehive locked in a box. Before i unlocked it i started to masterbate.

Just before the vinegar stroke i kicked open the box to liberate the poor bees... then i bukake'd them all.

One could say, i was abusing free bees.
(, Mon 12 Nov 2007, 14:38, 1 reply)
Maybe not a freebie
Back in university, there was always a beer garden event at the start of year and the end of the year. The quad was roped off and turned into a big beer garden where students would pay too much for cheap watered down draught beer. It was organised by the business faculty. Basically you'd wait in a huge line to get in, then you'd wait in a smaller line for beer tickets, then you'd wait in a third line to exchange your beer ticket for a real beer.

The business faculty made one mistake: they got the cheapest possible tickets, a roll of yellow tickets that say beer that you can get at any department store. The geology faculty discovered this and bought up their own supply of beer tickets, indistinguishable from the real ones (assuming nobody was looking at the serial numbers too closely I guess). So suddenly the geology department had access to virtually limitless supplies of free beer.

One of the geologists showed up at the front of the line for beers, and said "Two beers," which is the maximum per person. The person poured him his two beers, and he handed over two more beer tickets, saying "Two beers." The person explained he couldn't be served more than two at once. So the geologist poured out both beers and repeated "Two beers."

Impressively, they were never caught. I didn't get any of the tickets because I never wanted to go into a beer garden.
(, Mon 12 Nov 2007, 14:30, Reply)
unintentional freebie
Whilst I was in China last year, as usual we were out on the town. We happened to stop at an unusual bar we hadn’t been to before.

Anyway we got talking to this Chinese guy, his name was Jackson (obviously not his real Chinese name- but a business English name)- a local business man - he could speak very good English. It seemed like he was trying to talk business to us, but after a short conversation we realised he was into the textile business and we were IT. So neither of us had anything to buy off each other. Instead we stayed in the bar for a short while, chatting about culture differences before heading off to another bar - with our new friend in tow.

This was about 9pm. We get to another bar and end up drinking into the very early hours (about 6am) at which point our new friend decides to leave and go home - we bid him farewell. We then finish our drinks and get up to leave about 30 minutes after Jackson. We then discover that the tab behind the bar has been paid by Jackson - well over £300 worth of drinks.

I never saw him again to thank him, on what was probably the most silent act of generosity I have ever seen. Apparently this is quite a common thing in China - its a sign of gentlemen respect. He silently paid the bill of, jumped into the taxi and went home.
(, Mon 12 Nov 2007, 14:21, 7 replies)
This morning
I laughed my tits off at Clifford the Big Red Dog, then giggled all the way through a classic episode of Balamory and salivated longingly at the culinary delights of Big Cook - Little Cook.

Oh, sorry that was my story of amusing beebies.
*hangs head and slopes off quietly*
(, Mon 12 Nov 2007, 14:13, 7 replies)
How to build a software empire
Not me, but the MD of a moderately sucessful, mid-sized PC/console games publisher that I used to work for:
The cunning bloke worked out that people wouldn't take free shareware disks from computer fairs, because they thought "free = crap". So he loaded up on shareware disks and put adverts in the back of PC / Amiga / Mac mags, selling these disks for a couple of quid each.

He made litterally millions of pounds selling stuff that people wouldn't take as freebees, using some of his money to set up the afore mentioned software publisher.
(, Mon 12 Nov 2007, 13:28, 8 replies)
Red Bull
A year or so ago I used to work in a rather large electrical superstore. We would get regular visits from sales reps offering free pens and promotional items. However on the said day a car with a large redbull can pulled up outside. I welcomed the 'redbull' promoters into the store at which point they told me that they were here to let us sample their product.

"How many members of staff work here?"

Thankfully I was switched on, there was about 15 of us working that day...

"I think theres about 60 of us today"

Result, 80 cans of redbull in the staff fridge as they left a few extra's.
(, Mon 12 Nov 2007, 13:22, Reply)
I dont really get freebies at work.
Ocaisionally, we get a free lunch, or maybe a visitor from korea that brings back crappy usless gifts for us. But 10 years back, with another compnay, there was one time I recall, when I'd just spent £500,000 on network equipment, and the supplier took us out for a few fun filled days. This included, go-karting, various expensive restaurants, and a lot of strip clubs. Although, in that case, I think the freebie resulted in going home for some self abuse.
(, Mon 12 Nov 2007, 13:19, 1 reply)
Pastie blowout...
After an evening's quiet drinking in the Southampton Student's Union, the dear Mrs (girlfriend at the time) spotted some postcards in the advertising cards rack at the end of the bar. Usually, these only got any attention when they'd run out of beermats, but there was a stack of maybe 100 cards from Greggs. After a brief inspection, we found they were for a free pastie and a doughnut and you didn't even need to buy anything. So, naturally, we took all of them. Good practice for when we moved to Glasgow a few years later...
That was five years ago and I'm still trying to lose the weight put on in that year.
(, Mon 12 Nov 2007, 12:53, Reply)
A couple of years ago, some friends and I went to the New Forest on an impromptu camping/drinking trip. The guys next to us were leaving as we were arriving and couldn't fit there quarter-consumed crate of Carling in their boot. Being the considerate human beings we were, we took it off their hands. Woo, free beer.

Sadly the end of the night saw us in a river, naked, with a can of lager in one hand, fags in the other whilst people walked over the bridge in front of us gasping. Later on we failed to gatecrash a wedding. After *that* a portly Serbian girl showed us her knickers.

It was one of the stranger nights I've had and it was all down to a gift of free beer.
(, Mon 12 Nov 2007, 10:58, 6 replies)
Free trip to Monaco Sir?
I managed to blag a five-day all expenses paid trip to Monaco - flights to Nice then helicopter transfers across the bay into Monaco.

I was staying at the Marriot overlooking the harbour with free porn on the TV all paid for by the company!

Best bit was it only took me half a day to do the actual work the rest I spent lazing around the cote d'azure..

happy days!
(, Mon 12 Nov 2007, 10:22, 3 replies)
Sort of a freebie
I used to work for a hotel next to a zoo (irrelevant) when I was a particularly stoned, un-motivated individual. I would always fail to turn up for work and never phone in but somehow managed to keep the job, damn they must have been desperate!

Anyways, I used to work behind a bar in the function room and they would stick me in there on my own, Bastards. My boss was a real cock so I had no problems helping myself to the free, er, money.

What I would do was during wedding receptions due to the management having no clue how much stock they had. When someone came up and asked for a round that was over a £5 and I could see that they had the right change in their hand, I would say that it came to £5. They wouldn't ask questions because they were being undercharged and i'd just put the money in my pocket. So a stolen freebie really.

I managed to pocket about £80 in one night and subsequently went to a mates house after work and spent the lot on drugs. Those were the days! So the drugs were the freebie. Just in case your wondering, that evening I dined on special K, pills and natures finest spunk monkey.

It was about as long as the bar and lasted all night long.
(, Mon 12 Nov 2007, 10:12, 1 reply)
With the noted absence of Apeloverage…

I just downloaded the new Jerry Seinfeld animated flick, ‘Bee Movie’.

I burned it to a DVD, started watching it, quickly realised it was a shite, camcorder-sneaked-into-the cinema job, then chucked the disc away.

Is that abusing Free Bees?

(I'm so, so sorry)
(, Mon 12 Nov 2007, 9:55, 4 replies)
Riders, for those who don't know, is the word for the free drink and food that bands are entitled to.

Many years ago, my band played a gig in Tamworth. We were second on the bill. A young band was first and a band that thought they were the new Oasis were headlining.

The headline band spent so long setting up and sound checking that there was only 10 minutes to soundcheck us and the young band. Basically they and their manager were a bunch of cocks who thought they were much bigger and better than they actually were.

So, while they were playing we drank their rider dry. Then fucked off.

Also, we played a festival in Hexam, supporting pint-sized eighties "legend" Bob Catley.

This time we all smoked a fat one while hanging around backstage, got the munchies and ate our way through his rider!

He wasn't too happy.
(, Mon 12 Nov 2007, 9:35, Reply)
Drunk engagement night...
..me mate's cousin was getting engaged a good few years back, so to celebrate there was a party setup in a club in the centre of Swansea. Me 'n' aforementioned mate were only 15 at the time, but were invited regardless. We turn up, get our own table and end up having beer mat fights for half the night, while his family buy us loads of drink.

At the end of the party, his uncle invites us both to crash out in the spare bedroom of his house. We arrive at his house, and his auntie and uncle retire to sleep/shag/whatever. Before he retires however, he offers us anything from his "mini bar", which was this largish bar stacked full of booze and goodies in the dining room. We grin and start the freebie hunt.

The main problem we noticed however was the entrance to the back of the bar was blocked full of boxes. So me and me mate stumbling in the limelight decided that rather than moving the boxes and getting smashed in the traditional manner, we had a much better idea than that. Cue mate holding my ankles and me swinging carefree upside-down over the top of the bar, grabbing as many handfuls of goodies as I could reach. Managed to get 20 packs of Minstrels and 18 Wispas too, which I ate half of in an hour.

Twas like a drunken version of those teddy-bear/claw machines you get in the arcades, it really was.

Once we got everything, we ate and drank and watched some porn his uncle had hidden in the cupboard :D
(, Mon 12 Nov 2007, 9:13, 1 reply)
Apologies in advance
I used to work for a company that made signs, kinda like these. Sometimes there would be misprints or overruns, which we were technically supposed to send out for recycling, but people took them for their own nefarious plans pretty often. Anyway, one day we had this massive run of letters that didn't come out right, and people hauled them off by the thousand. They used them for coasters, strung them on fishing line for curtains, used them to shim table legs, all kind of weird ingenious stuff.

And that is how we abused free Bs.

Right, getting my coat now.
(, Mon 12 Nov 2007, 7:08, Reply)
Free Salad!!!
A mate of mine is a veggie. And he's tight-arsed veggie who showed me this trick in Pizza Hut.

He'd ordered a pizza and "one trip to the salad bar". Now this meant that he was given a tiny bowl and he was allowed to fill it to the brim with salad. A normal person could fit enough in this bowl to give a snack to a hamster who was on a diet. In other words, not very fucking much salad.

But Jim had this down to an art-form. He used to split sticks of celery and then weave the fuckers together to form a rather large mat which he would fit on the top of his full bowl. Then, on the top of the mat he'd balance a shitload more salad. On a good night, probably a couple of kilos of the shit.

I called it being a tight-arse. He called it value for money.

(, Mon 12 Nov 2007, 6:02, 5 replies)
Taken too far
About 6 years ago i was in my local pub. Well, it wasn't my local, but it was the only pub that let in under-agers for miles, which would mean that the weekend saw literally hundreds of 16 year olds (me included) descend on it as the bouncers quickly 'checked' i.d. and ushered us in to its grotty depths. This place was a bit of a legend among the schoolkids of West London... Well the night in question, Guinness were giving away 2 free pints, and u.v. stamping the wrists of people upon collection. I was with 7 friends, and i was the only one who actually liked Guinness, so it was an easy task convincing them to cash in their vouchers for me in exchange for a game of pool/a pog/a merlin sticker of Bruce Grobbelar, whatever it was that 16 year olds liked back in the day. Cue 16 free pints given to me, and drunk over the space of 3 hours. A VERY bad night followed... Shortly before the 5 hours of vomiting/dry retching began, I managed to get in a fight by (accidentally) chipping the white ball off a pool table. It soared onto the table of meatheads sitting next to us, and smashed a large bastard's pint of stella. In my haze, i somehow missed this event and went to take my next shot. I was a little confused when i couldn't find the white ball, and even more confused when i was picked up and roughed about (imagine the start of 'fresh prince' and you'll get the idea). Stepping in, my good friend Ben saved my arse that time, and again later by somehow finding me, half walking/half exploding black tarry vomit all over the north circular headed who knows where...

First post so be gentle

P.S i'll give 40 nectar card points to anyone who can guess the filthy pub in question!
(, Mon 12 Nov 2007, 5:25, 1 reply)

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