wow
I'm addicted to self-damaging behaviours.. everywhere i go i turn things into fucking trainwrecks.

I have low self esteem and I tend not to trust people. When I do trust people I trust them for the wrong reasons and they always end up screwing me over.

I fuck up jobs because I steal shit (don't ever put me in charge of ordering stationery without supervising what I order - i order anything that looks cool and then take it home), I screw people over who have been good to me, and I tend to let the ones who are bad for me expose all of my bad traits in plain view of everyone.

Not only jobs, I spend whatever money I get on takeaway - i seem to lack the ability to save money at all - I have a bad credit rating because I rack up too much debt (spending money on crap like weed, munchies food, impulse buys when i'm out shopping).

I'm also quite a large girl (not as large as some... my elbows don't have cleavage) and feel as though the way I look doesn't matter anymore because i'm too far gone - i still look after myself in terms of hygiene and presentation - but I'm fairly certain that no one will want me, or want to marry me. Every time people look at me I think they are judging me and thinking "wow, look at how fat and gross that girl is" rather than anything else. I'm pretty certain I'll one day end up as one of those old hairy toothless crazy cat ladies... you know.. the ones with shattered dreams who go off rambling once you begin talking to them.. like some homeless hobo.
(brotagaia, Sat 20 Dec 2008, 2:18, 2 replies)

I can remember thinking almost exactly that
"i still look after myself in terms of hygiene and presentation - but I'm fairly certain that no one will want me, or want to marry me. Every time people look at me I think they are judging me and thinking "wow, look at how fat and gross that girl is" rather than anything else."

and the sad thing is that in some respects it's right, a lot of people really do seem to lack the ability to see beyond the superficial and see what's actually on offer...but not everyone is like that, not by a long stretch, and what I realised in the end is that the people who are that dead set on the media portrayal of attractiveness aren't the ones I could ever be happy being around anyway.
I think most people have some level of brainwashing with that image, but there's a difference between your absolute ideal being someone relatively toned and this idea bandied about in all the different medias that even a couple of extra pounds is catastrophic.

You say you still look after yourself, well good for you, hopefully that's so you feel ok with yourself rather than as an attempt to convince people you're not some 'crazy cat lady'. If you feel fat then try and make some changes that will help you lose weight, but I would say the most important thing is to try and realise that there's not actually anything wrong with you. Not at all. We just live in a society with a really fucked up sense of image!
Health is important, of course, but not that image.

I feel confident that if you keep following up things that will make YOU feel better about yourself you will meet the right person some day, and overnight you'll suddenly wonder why the hell you were so harsh on yourself that you couldn't imagine someone even LOOKING at you and liking what they see.

Cliched as it sounds though (and it is, sorry!)- you need to like yourself first.
( Jessie © needs pirate name suggestions, Sat 20 Dec 2008, 12:52, closed)

thanks Jessie
You have a lot of valid points, and I guess I'm aware that most of it is that whole learning to like yourself thing.

Sometimes it's hard when you've grown up with it imprinted in your mind.. i had overly harsh parents who would always tell me what was wrong with me, moreso than what was right, copped a lot of teasing and soforth at school, and so I've lead a lot of my life trying to be accepted by people, trying to do what I felt i needed to do to get their approval.. none of it worked. My lack of faith in people and trust in people is one of the main reasons things didn't work out with the ex, and it's the reason I got fired just recently (Monday). I just don't know how to stop feeling this way.

Yeah, I do still look after myself so I feel ok with myself.. I couldn't bear not showering, keeping a proper hairstyle, shaving, or just generally not feeling clean and fresh.. oftentimes I'll even get compliments about how i look good and everything.. and i'm always getting comments about smelling good, but the fucked up thing with me is that a million people can tell me how great I am and I still won't believe it.. i'll think they're only telling me because they pity me or because they want something. The weight thing has been an issue with me for as long as I can remember, and even though i'm carrying extra pounds, I'm actually pretty healthy.. my blood pressure and cholesterol are both fine, and I don't have any obesity-related health complications like diabetes or joint pain or anything. Losing weight is the hard thing... no matter what I try it just doesn't come off.

Like anything I think things will get better over time.. it's just one of the many challenges in my life that I need to get through and come out the other side.
(brotagaia, Sat 20 Dec 2008, 13:08, closed)