Quarantine
Some time ago I was planning for a race around the world.

Well, long story short, a bit after that I got shoved in some big metal hatch or station underneath some big fucker island and I have to put some numbers into a computer every 108 minutes. I couldn't leave cos some fucker put a 'QUARANTINE' sign on the door.

Then someone exploded the top! Well, no doubt the disease is in the hatch now, and I couldn't be fucked pressing those fucking numbers anymore, so I fucked off.

The bad news is, I'm shit-fucking-lost on some island in the middle of nowhere. The good news is, I've probably got some disease now, so that's my excuse for not going in to work.
(ratthingbazzterd, Fri 9 Jun 2006, 11:54, Reply)

A couple of good ones
I've used "I wont be in work today because I'm in the wrong country" twice. Tends to work through shock and confusion.

I once used floods in York as an excuse for about three days.

When I was a temp I'd phone in sick if it was raining.
( CowJam, Fri 9 Jun 2006, 11:54, Reply)

I can't come in today...
The amount of sickies that the ex-receptionist pulled at my place of work was a fucking joke.

She's a thick as pigshit brummy, with an arse as wide as the M6, which apparently comes from "living on soup".

She'd phone in with all sorts of weird and wonderful explanations, if they were all true it would mean she'd had meningitis, cancer, and an abortion in the space of a fortnight. None of these have the slightest hint of truth, the lazy, dense, fat, BITCH.

thankfully i dont have to put up with her annoyances anymore, as she got sacked for stealing the lottery money...
(Carling, pint of, Fri 9 Jun 2006, 11:53, Reply)

Two from school
One kid at my school once had a week off because his shoes were wet.

My favourite though... My best mate told me about a kid at his school who turned up at a swimming lesson with a letter supposedly from his mum, asking if he could be excused from swimming on account of the fact that he was soluble.
(nasalhair The Twix guy!, Fri 9 Jun 2006, 11:50, Reply)

You have *not* got 'flu!
I've gone just over two years at work now without a single day off sick.

I'm very fortunate in that I simply don't get many minor ailments. If I've got a cold, I'll dose up on vitamin C and get through it.

I've had 'flu once: it's the most debilitating thing I can remember having and I honestly thought I might die.

So, when staff phone in, holding their noses for vocal effect and say "I've got a touch of 'flu but I'll be in tomorrow", I'm off:

"YOU HAVE NOT GOT FUCKING 'FLU! 'FLU DOES NOT COME IN "TOUCHES" AND WOULD NOT LAST FOR ONE DAY. IF YOU HAD REAL 'FLU YOU WOULDN'T EVEN BE ABLE TO PICK UP THE FUCKING PHONE. GET IN YOU SKIVING CUNT!"

I'm lovely to work for (:
( <>Dog www.stevelaker.blog, Fri 9 Jun 2006, 11:32, Reply)

lala
my mate was at uni in Manchester and had a job at large 'avin it club in the cloakroom. but being the total drug hoover he was, weeks on end spent on massive binges was doing him no favours and his entire being was steeped in paranoia. whilst at work in this state he had spent the entire evening chucking the coats in a massive pile without actually allocating the tickets to them. when all the clubbers came to get their coats he just bolted and did some more drugs to 'level out'. phoned up the next night and told his boss he couldnt come to work as he'd "Gone mad". He had as well you know, but hes ok now.
(balboa, Fri 9 Jun 2006, 11:24, Reply)

Two For The Price Of One
Apologies in advance, this story sounds like utter bullshit but I swear on my life its completely true. I used to have a drop dead gorgeous friend called Jo (that's not the unbelievable part btw) who landed on her feet with her first job. She worked in a little office with three other staff and a manager who was rumoured to be a forty year old (plus) virgin. He certainly seemed so, always flustered around the beautiful Jo, barely able to string sentences together and with an ever-present leer, usually aimed at her legs. Jo quickly found out she could use this to her advantage. The first mention of 'wimmin troubles' and he would go bright red and immediately give her the day off. She was sorted.

It got a little out of control one fine sunny day when rather than go to work she took off on a pub crawl round the town. Feeling a little guilty (and more than a little drunk) she rang the office sometime over the afternoon and, getting a little carried away, tearfully informed the boss that she'd found out she was pregnant and just couldn't face work that day. The boss muttered a stammered apology, wished her well and told her to take some time off.

So she did. Two whole weeks, in fact.

Why two weeks? Well she was going on holiday with her boyfriend after the two weeks were up so now she had time to go shopping beforehand. The fact that she hadn't put leave in at work for the two weeks of her holiday didn't bother Jo at all. After all, she was about to get the worst 'morning sickness' ever. So just before she left for her holiday Jo phoned up to inform them of the new symptom of her phantom pregnancy. There was only one slight problem, the boss was off and his replacement was the atypical hard nosed bitch second in command. Jo was taken aback, expecting an easy ride and instead getting a rollicking from this woman over taking advantage of the poor boss. After five minutes of a rant about repect and equality Jo burst into extremely convincing tears. The stand-in boss faltered and asked what was wrong. "I lost the baby." Jo managed between sobs. Cue one very apologetic lady and, again, a 'take a couple of weeks off' holiday.

So, without a tinge of guilt, Jo had her two weeks in the sun and came back to the realisation that she just couldn't be bothered to go back to work. So what did she do? Quick phone call to the boss (not the hard-nosed bitch, thankfully) and the use of the classic line "It turned out to be twins......and I just lost the other one." quickly followed by more tears and another two weeks off.

She never did tell me how her 'spontaneous suntans can be an odd symptom of miscarriage' excuse went down. She runs the place now.
( Gleeballs is mostly made out of chocolate and hate., Fri 9 Jun 2006, 11:23, Reply)

Remembered Another
I was at a mates house one day, we're watching t.v whilst his dad sleeps off last nights' beverages on the sofa.
His missus comes in, wakes him and reminds him his still hasn't phoned work to tell them why he's off.
So he picks up the phone and makes up some amazing tale of how he's just single-handedly fought off a fire in his kitchen with little more than a tea-towel and his own brilliance.

Smug sod puts down the phone with a big grin on his face and goes back to sleep.

Said mate decides he doesn't like the example his dear old dad is setting and proceeds to vanish to the garage for a few minutes.

He comes back with that super-strength silver duct tape. Cuts off two strips and quite literally *SLAPS* the strips to his dads' eye-brows.

His dad wakes up from the slapping motions but thinks we're just arsing about so tells us to fuck off and goes back to sleep.

Maybe if he'd noticed there and then the loss of eye-brow hair might not have been so bad.
But he slept for a good 2/3 hours before noticing and painfully removing the strips... and his eye-brows off course.

Next day in work he has evidence of fighting the blaze. (And it turns out that no eye-brows stand out a mile on bald blokes as apposed to full-haired blokes.)
(tylrdiablos, Fri 9 Jun 2006, 11:23, Reply)

Some work, some don;t
Luckily I have 3 really good boss's. They all played the game as much as we did.

I once worked at a small bookies, and one Saturday morning I was supposed to be in at 10am on the later start. AT 730am, I'm lying on my back with the Ex riding away, when my mbile rings. I see the name "Nick", think its my mate who I was out with the prior night and answer with "I'm in mid shag, so fuck off".

Yeah, my line manager Nick just replies "Cool, we're over staffed today so you may as well not come in! See you in the Griffen at 8pm" Complete legend.

Steve, my next boss, accepted "I'm still in the casino, I'm £500 up and theres no way I'm stopping until I hit a grand", "I'm still drunk. I got wasted last night and I think I've glued my eyes together" and the best one, "I'm in Germany at the Germany v England game (in 2001). I might not make it in for 9pm."

I have been caught out twice though. Once skived and went racing at Ascot - Got filmed by Channel 4 standing near the finishing post; the other time I said I had a migraine. Next day I went in and because I hadn't declared the fact I'd had them before, I was immediatley given a formal warning and put on "report" for 2 weeks...
(gjb006, Fri 9 Jun 2006, 11:23, Reply)

Caroline's Top Skiving Work Tip!
When wanting to call in sick, when you're not really - don't phone up mid-morning with a pretend 'ill voice'. Ohhh no! Call in as soon as you wake up. You're still groggy from sleep and so you'll sound dazed and confused and croaky - if it's the answerphone, even better, you can waffle on for ages, seemingly confused, about your illness. Ta-daaa!
( CaroWallis, Fri 9 Jun 2006, 11:22, Reply)

bog roll mouth
ok, here's a top tip if you can't be arsed getting out of bed and going to your shit job. Have done this at just about everywhere I've worked.

1. Call your boss and say you've been up all night with hideous toothache and have an emergency apointment at the dentist, but you'll make it into work after you've been (to show you're a keen worker, not a skiving layabout like you are)

2. Spend until after lunch in bed sleeping and wanking.

3. After lunch, stuff some rolled up bog roll or cotton wool between your cheek and your gums, to make you speak like a mong, and call back saying that you've had root canal, and your in so much pain and so full of anasthetic you really can't make it in.

4. Go back to bed.

Your boss will appreciate you making the effort, and everyone will sympathise and tell you their horrific dentist stories when you get back to work..
(I ate the pies, Fri 9 Jun 2006, 11:20, Reply)

September 12, 2001
I had a lad who worked for me ring in to say he was too upset about the previous day's 'difficulties' to come into work - he didn't know any of the victims and was 2,500 miles away from it, but it was all a bit too much for him. As revenge the next time we had an company piss-up a few of us arranged for him to get sucked off by a tranny.
(Chopper3, Fri 9 Jun 2006, 11:18, Reply)

Last summer
I worked 2 jobs, monday-friday at a Fine Foods shop dealing with the platinum credit card brigade, and on saturday at a computer shop providing top-notch service to the town's residents.
Anyway. I was asked by the second shop if I could work a day during the week for them.. and as I vastly preferred that job, I accepted. What made things better was thta I still got paid for sick days from my Fine Foods job... so I'd be essentially on double pay - result!

My sickie-pulling excuse was that it was my aunt's birthday and I had to be in London for it.. it worked, and I got paid for my day off and all!

(The relative's birthday excuse later became a bit of a joke, since I used it a bit too much.. and my boss just mocked me for it's lameness)

First post b3ta x
(comrade^, Fri 9 Jun 2006, 11:14, Reply)

Still went in.....
I once claimed to have broken ribs for an entire month. I was going through a pretty bad time of it and was drinking heavily every night. So I'd roll into work between one and two hours late every morning. Looking like death warmed up claiming that I'd been to the infirmary for steroid injections to sort out damaged cartilage every morning. Because I still actually turned up to work I never had to show a sick note. And I had actually hurt my ribs but not that badly.

Funnilly enough I rarely take sick days now. Even when I'm pretty ill. I think it corresponds with not drinking very much these days.
( Evil Bastardo, Fri 9 Jun 2006, 11:09, Reply)

You whinging bastards
I get 25 sick days a year. In 3 and half years, I've used 10. And every time I've quite readily admitted to the boss that I was drunk as a judge.
(Demonic, Fri 9 Jun 2006, 11:07, Reply)

on his way to work
a friend told me that his co-worker couldnt come in one day as he was driving down the motorway and someone swerved in front of him so he had to brake really hard which consequently caused him to shit himself. i laughed so hard i was crying when i heard this.
my other fave was a guy at b+&, we had to ring up and leave a message explaining why we wouldnt be in. this guy leaves a message something like this "hi its 7.15am on sat and i cant come in today as ive got food poisoning. ok see you tomoz. *beep* message left at 11.50pm friday *beep*"
classic
(theresonlyme, Fri 9 Jun 2006, 11:02, Reply)

Similar to Fonkadelix..try not to visualise this...
A work colleague failed to come in one day..transpired he'd managed to get a seat on the tube, and being half asleep, had yawned.

At the same moment the guy next to him threw up.

Into his wide open mouth.

Personally I wouldn't have shared this with my work colleagues..
(BeatsWork, Fri 9 Jun 2006, 10:48, Reply)

I've never once pulled a sickie
since all of my employment to date has paid by the hour and therefore I simply can't afford to skive.
Also, I've not been seriously ill in 10 years, so I have a genuine reason too.
/smug
( The Mock TurtIe ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Fri 9 Jun 2006, 10:48, Reply)

Sickie Sacking
Many moons ago when I was an Engineering Apprentice one of my fellow apprentices had been on the sick for a few weeks. His sick notes from the dotor said he had 'a broken rib from squeezing to hard on the toilet'. Where we worked had a medical facility and he was summond to attend a medical, where it transpired there was nowt wrong with him. What had happed was that he had nicked a doctors sick note pad and was writing his own sick notes and seeling them to others.
(Begbie, Fri 9 Jun 2006, 10:39, Reply)

Hahaha
being Epileptic is great. Monday morning early wake up calls would always be a pain until i called in with " i've had a bad epileptic fit"... works a treat. that is until i DO fit. then its a bastard! But it has its good side. I get "special" treatment at uni too an extra money. Still, i'd rather be healthy!
(Guu Bounce back - With Prozac!!, Fri 9 Jun 2006, 10:35, Reply)

I don't need to take "sickies".
I can 'work' from home.

Apologies for length, but it's a bit cold here.
(BMX, Fri 9 Jun 2006, 10:31, Reply)

I sent this text to my colleague at 1am
"I can't come to work tomorrow I've eaten cat food"

I really had. And a dog biscuit.

(And two bottles of wine)
(Rachel B, Fri 9 Jun 2006, 10:25, Reply)

Tramp Spew
..my workmate astounded us all after lunchtime beers with the corking: 'can't come back to the office, a tramp just launched a load of smelly puke all over me and my clothes.'

Go on son, fucking brilliant.
(Fonkadelix is fucking bored, pass the crack pipe Mavis., Fri 9 Jun 2006, 10:21, Reply)

Spawny get always gets away with it...
Lad at work who we shall call RatBoy - He is chav incarnate.

Excuses have included:-

*Needs to look after his cat

*MOT (About 4 MOT's a year - he's very safe)

*Irritable Bowel Syndrome - lasted 24 hours, (it's a miracle, praise the lord)

*Taking mon and tues off in lieu of his weekend in which he was 'ill' - seriously, there are no words.

*Gout

*Taking mon and tues off in lieu coz his wife worked the weekend(!)

Cocking annoying thing is the twat gets away with it repeatedly.
( Capt. Tastic, Fri 9 Jun 2006, 10:20, Reply)

court in the act
I did some work experience for the customs when I was 16. One duty I had was to test a phone line they'd set up which they would talk to the bad guy on. All this 'testing' involved was ringing a number from a call box.

Fast forward two years. It's a week before a uni essay deadline. There is a string of hysterical/ lame students queuing up to hand 'sick' notes to the tutor to grant them an extra week. Always made me laugh that the most common excuse for lateness was 'stress', as in 'I'm stressed out', as in 'I lost my favourite pen'.

I queue with them. I finally reach the office of the beleaguered and by now, very cynical tutor.

'What's your excuse?'

'I've been called as a witness in a major drug trial at Leeds Crown court. Can I have an extra couple of days with my Dryden essay?'

'Piss off' (actual words, said with a laugh).

Had to show him the court summons after the essay deadline and my court appearance before I could claw back the 10 marks they deducted for lateness.

Hate students who pull sickies, like they need a further excuse to do nothing.
(sadler, Fri 9 Jun 2006, 10:06, Reply)

Interview sickie(s)
Working in Newcastle upon Tyne, I had an interview for a job in London on a Monday morning. So, instead of taking a legitimate day off (what a waste!), I decide to pull a sickie. Problem is, the interview is at 1pm and I have to travel 300 miles on the GNER. Hence, the sickie phone call has to be made on the train.

Luckily, I pick my moment well - between Durham and Darlington, fact fans - and the train carriage is quiet. I get to the interview fine and fortunately it seems to go well. The 300 mile return journey ends up with me getting back home exhausted at midnight so then I decide to take Tuesday off aswell.

On the Tuesday afternoon, I get a phone call in bed to say I got the job down in London. So, I proceed to get absolutely wrecked on the Tuesday night in celebration. This results in me phoning in sick on the following Wednesday morning thanks to excessive cheap champagne and strawberries at the wankiest bars the toon had to offer. BOOM!

So, three days of sickies and a new life down in London to show for it. That was almost a year ago and I'm loving it!
(Ally_Baby, Fri 9 Jun 2006, 9:56, Reply)

snow!
I've also found that sickies are best supported by evidence... So, I've collected a number of photos etc on phone/digital camera to support my claims.

Last year I woke and heard on the news there was heavy snow in scotland, I lived WAY down south in Milton Keynes... checking outside I saw the ground was frosty.

SO, I sent my boss a phone photo of my street when 6 inches deep in snow with a car sideways on the road with the claim "there's been freak snow here and I can't get the car up the hill as it's too icy!".

Not a drop of snow, in fact nice and sunny by lunchtime but the validity of my "evidence" never questioned...
(golddust QOTW now revolves around being a cunt, Fri 9 Jun 2006, 9:54, Reply)

Props as well
A friend of mine used to phone in work and say he had diarrhea... fair enough.
But he used to sit by the toilet with full pint glasses of water and as he talking he would occasionally empty one in a dramatic manner to create "splashes" and other such fancy effects.

One day he got too over-confident with his flawless method of getting a day off work.

As the 2nd glass was "going down" his mobile managed to go with it.
At first I was concerned that his boss could hear me in the background rolling on the floor with laughter... still it could have been worse.
He could have dropped his phone in real diarrhea.
(tylrdiablos, Fri 9 Jun 2006, 9:51, Reply)

Use one lie, get one free
Having a crap time at work, which was marginally better than stoking the oven in a death camp.
I decided to pull a sicky, after a mate said I looked like shit. I DID actually go to the Doc and he said I had slightly high blood pressure.

I took 2 weeks off.

Then realised I then had to produce a sick note. So I had to go back to the doc [after swotting up the symptoms of severe hypertension] and blag the line. I just scraped through, and even now I bump into him in the street and he gives me dirty looks.

Work didnt give a feck.
(moondust, Fri 9 Jun 2006, 9:50, Reply)