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This is a question Awesome Sickies

A colleague has been off work for two weeks now - apparently he's got something they can't diagnose, (although they know for sure it's not Legionnaires, Malaria, BSE or AIDS, he's supposedly in isolation). We are all sure he's merely sitting in the sun waiting for the World Cup to come on the telly.

What have you invented to get off work?

(, Fri 9 Jun 2006, 7:40)
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This question is now closed.

Shitting hell
Was at the Edinburgh festival for a few days but had work on the Monday followed by two days off, so decided to take the Monday off, woke up early enough to make it sound like I was up getting ready for work and told the guy on the phone I had food poisoning in order to get an extended holiday.

Two minutes after I put the phone down I was throwing up and shitting simultaneously. Turned out I did have food poisoning.

Still, it was better than working.
(, Mon 12 Jun 2006, 17:34, Reply)
Sorry - I can't respond to the qotw today because
My cock was bitten off by the galactic mind octopus last night as I tried to copulate with the universe. It is currently being sewn back on by pan-dimensional monkey butlers using only the medium of dance.

Should be in tomorrow, though.
(, Mon 12 Jun 2006, 17:31, Reply)
well... this really is bad karma.... but...
Once while working at the Odeon in newcastle, I got a stapler and half extracted one of the staples... Resulting in the stapler having two 'teeth' about a centimetre apart...

I then proceeded to swing the stapler at my forearm... Hard enough to petetrate the skin but not hard enough to actually staple myself... I did this for about 30 mins and left it for a couple of hours for the blood to clot...

Then i went to me superviser in a right panic and told him that i thought i had meningitis... i rolled a glass over my forearm, and as the blood had already clotted under my skin, it didn't fade...

I managed to blag 2 weeks out of work for that :)
(, Mon 12 Jun 2006, 17:13, Reply)
A63 all the way....
The story - I phoned in and said i had accidentally chased a girlfriend in front of a 4 x 4 and she had been run over. I needed to stay in wales and make sure she regained conciousness. My boss organised a whip round for flowers and gave me the week off.

The truth - i was shagging a mates ex bird and didn't want to go home to the midlands.

The story - I had friend ring up my boss "in a bit of a state", saying his brother had been run over and it wasn't looking good. My boss felt terrible as he had been through somthing similar with his daughter (i didn't know this) and drove me around while i administered myself and then offered me the use of his car.

The truth - i was scheduled to be working on site in london on a really sunny weekend. no cocking way i thought, better get a mate to ring up and start telling lies, no one will ever believe a sickie this weekend. btw, executed this on a thursday morning to make it look even more genuine.

the story - errr..... i haven't been in all week because i have been helping my friends wife look for her missing husband, we thought he might have committed suicide. it's alright though, he was hiding out at a mates house.

the truth - bollocks to working in camden job centre.

oh, and last bank holiday, after a bit of a pharmaceutical weekend and monday in the pub "errr.... you know that thing that i was pretending to be fighting off last friday..... (after adopting the symptoms of the previous weeks office based lurgey)...... yeah, had a shit weekend with it.....still don't feel too good....."

cue the whole week off

(got a doctors appt for it, but i'm better now. docs hand out notes for anything)

it's all about the ground work and surrounding yourself with idiots.

no apologies for anything, ever.
(, Mon 12 Jun 2006, 17:02, Reply)
"For quality control and training purposes..."
A mate of mine worked in a call centre, and told me about a colleague who phoned in sick one morning.

After a pleasant chat about the previous night's drinking binge, he confided to my mate that he'd pulled a hot bird who was a student, and was therefore prepared to spend the whole day in bed. The lucky guy had decided to call in sick as he "had only taken 2 of his sick days so far this year." He then asked my mate to transfer him to the line manager.

Unfortunately during call monitoring that week, the conversation was picked up, and the bloke was called into the office and given a written warning.

Apparently the shag was worth it tho.

F x
(, Mon 12 Jun 2006, 15:38, Reply)
Not work... But school...
My mother used to worry about me being locked away in the toilet for days on end with stomach pains and constipation... actually I was just sat there having a competition with myself in regards to how many I could crack off in a day...

Great, sweaty, sticky days...
(, Mon 12 Jun 2006, 15:23, Reply)
Killer Weed
I had this rather lovely lump of black bequeathed to me by a mate who was going abroad for a while and thought it best not to risk taking it through customs. I sat down in front of the telly to watch a bit of footie and get quite merrily caned, when it suddenly dawned on me ā€“ I had given up the fags a few weeks previously and didnt fancy smoking the stuff in case I got hooked on the evil nicotine again. No problem! I decided to eat the fucker instead of smoking it. Proceeded to munch my way quite merrily through a yogurt topped up with crumbled ā€“ up goodness.

Nothing happened. Half time in the footie came and went and all I had was a rather bad taste in my gob.

A little while later, it kicked in and it felt like Iā€™d been kicked in the head by a troop of angry unicorns. I was hallucinating to buggery.

Missed a day off work on account of thinking that my flat was alive and trying to attack me. Not much fun at all, I can tell ya. Went in the day after and my boss, a bank manager no less as I was selling mortgages at the time, asked me if I was feeling any better after the telephone conversation we had had the previous day.

I have absolutely no recollection of phoning in sick. I was too damn ill to remember something like that. The boss made me sit in a quiet room filing papers for a week until he felt he could trust me to be round people again. Happy days.
(, Mon 12 Jun 2006, 14:57, Reply)
Six weeks at the beach
I used to get bullied a lot at high school (no! A b3tan? Really?). At about the time that I was about to go Columbine (curse Australia and its restrictive gun laws), my parents' marriage was going to hell in a Vuitton tote. After I'd tried to run away from home, my dad had had an affair with his best friend's wife and my mum had for some bizarre reason totally cracked the shits, my parents made a last-ditch plan to save their marriage. They pulled me and my sister out of school, threw us all in the back of a truck and drove down to Sorrento in Victoria in late winter/early spring, when the weather was incredible but it wasn't tourist season yet. I spent it listening to alternative radio and collecting shells. Best six weeks of my life, especially those moments when I thought to myself "I'm supposed to be in school". :)
(, Mon 12 Jun 2006, 14:20, Reply)
New Year's Day
I am the only person ever to make a genuine sick call on 1st January. I'd been on a New Years camping trip, and woke up with my head throbbing. Not due to a hangover, but due to a terrible ear infection.

Cue course of antibiotics, several days of earache agony, and having to tell both my weekend jobs that I could't work due to an ear infection. No, honestly. Look, I'll bring the damn antibiotics in to prove it.

Luckily they both (probably) believed it.
(, Mon 12 Jun 2006, 13:37, Reply)
Sickies eh?
Loads... but, here's a few of my past ones.

*-I Once rang my boss early one morning and told him my front door had fallen off, couldn't come into work cos we might get burgled.

*- Last night I fell out the loft and banged my head on the bannister. Feeling a bit shaken.

*- Food poisoning (this always, always works) and you can skive the next few days in work with frequent toilet visits.

*- Got mugged last night. Still feeling a bit shaken/ have to visit police station /hospital.

I'm sure there's many more...

-Length/Girth/Width and effect on time/space relativity X Unfuniness = Bilm
(, Mon 12 Jun 2006, 13:37, Reply)
Physical Education my arse!
I schived a whole year of P.E in year 10 by attending my MATE's drum lesson. Was questioned by senior staff half whay through the year about why I was absent from PE. I didn't lie, my answer was:
'I was at a drum lesson'
'Oh, fair enough' Was their reply.

Three weeks before the end of the year I was again called to senior staff office:
'You weren't at a drum lesson were you'
'Yes, I was' I reply
'It wasn't YOUR drum lesson though was it'
'Hmm, no, I never said that, but I didn't lie'

Got a severe bollocking, got told to go to my remaining PE lessons, and was actually faced with a bill for a year's worth of drum lessons!!

I didn't pay them. Cnuts.

Ooh, and I didn't attend my remaining PE lessons :D

Apologies for length, girth etc, but they were all increased by a lack of excercise for a year.
(, Mon 12 Jun 2006, 13:14, Reply)
too good to be true
I've only ever chucked one false sickie. Wanted to go away for the weekend with then significant other to try to finally knock the back out of her, and figured an extra couple of days would help enormously. I am very allergic to cats, so I stroked one of our neighbours with a hanky, and took that with me on Wednesday to work. All day looking pale and interesting, livened up with regular sniffs of allergen hanky resulting in spectacular bouts of wheezy sneezing and nasal dribbling. Took an antihistamine when I got home and spent four glorious days in a cottage on the north east coast, right as rain in front of a log fire humping for england. huzzah

on the flip side, I had to have a fortnight off last year when I stuffed my motorbike into a car - I spent a week strapped to a spinal board (again) whilst they waited for the swelling to go down enough to be able to tell me if I had fractured V3-V5 and whether I would ever move from the neck down again. Twice in 4 years, motorbikes will be the death of me!
(, Mon 12 Jun 2006, 13:09, Reply)
Diarrhea (why is it spelt so fucking awkwardly? Cocaine, all mixed drinks)
Quickly, use diarrhea as an excuse, I can't leave the toilet, can't see doctor, imodium not working!!!!!! Leaves your work feeling very sorry for you as you must be suffering and also embarrased to admit your arse is like a Yellowstone park gusher.
One time I went over to a mates house, his parents had a pool and bar just installed, and the novelty was very strong. Sniffed up a crap ton of mediocre cocaine, and kept setting up doubles, triples, quadruples whatever would fit in the glass. Seemed like we were living the high life, how cool we thought we were.
Next day 11 am, I am lying face down in my bed, can't remember how I got there, suddenly realise that I had to be at work at 10 am. Hurry to work, walking into lamposts, parked cars, I could hardly speak properly. Get to my desk and on the phone. Take a call and look down at the phone, I have been on it for 55 minutes this guy has been droning on, I don't know what the fuck he has been saying I am so out of it. "Very good sir try this." and I hang up.
Wobbled over to the boss trying not to breath alchohol or release a torrent of sick over her. "I have a really horrible disorientating virus" I mumble feebly.
"Oh you poor thing, just go home and get some rest, you are very brave to come to work today."
I go home, get on the phone, the man comes and bingo bango bongo, we're on the missing again. Hee hee hee......
(, Mon 12 Jun 2006, 12:40, Reply)
It's just not worth it
To my knowledge* I have only ever taken a sickie twice.

The first time I called in and gave the good old 24h diarrhea excuse which was accepted without question. To make it even more realistic I then took the following day off, figuring that one day and especially after a weekend looks suspicious, but two.. clearly must be sick. There I was enjoying my second paid day off when I get a call from my boss telling me I was one of a handful of people being made redundant.. on a brighter note, when I went back to work everyone started asking if I was feeling better, then went on to explain how they'd thought I was taking a sickie but the fact I was off two days changed their mind. Ha!

The second time I took a sickie was after a heavy night drinking. I staggered into work and sat there feeling progressively worse as the day went on. I was experiencing all the usual hangover symptoms plus hot and cold chills which really weren't all that pleasant. Eventually I said I had to take the day off sick and gave my boss the lame excuse that I was getting the flu. Hmmm.. quite clearly that was a whopping great lie and not believed (despite me going home) so everytime I come into work hungover now I am asked how my 'flu' symptoms are going.

I've given up on sickies now.
* might have been more.. only these two stick in mind
(, Mon 12 Jun 2006, 12:39, Reply)
Only a few
Was off work for 5 days without notifying anyone, got called into the office on my return and said I had been to France the previous weekend and been arrested for mistaken identity! They bought it mind.

Had 2 weeks off, said I was coughing up blood, and advised work that it was due to a crap saucepan where the Teflon was peeling away it mixed with my food and had cut me internally!

Worked on a cruise liner in Germany, had deliveries one day and was so hung-over, got a call after a few hours from one of my bosses, and told him I was in my cabin being sick and felt really unwell. Very understanding and he gave me the day off, however unbeknownst to him, 6 hours earlier I had walked off ship in Cologne and was on a train back to England as couldn't be arsed anymore and when I spoke to him I was in Belgium.

Oh the shame!
(, Mon 12 Jun 2006, 12:17, Reply)
I once overdid it a little on a school night, and decided to phone in sick the next morning, after about 3 hours kip and still feeling totally shitfaced. Went back to sleep with a smile on my face but when I woke up at about lunchtime, could not for the life of me remember what ailment I had used as an excuse, due to the fact that I was pissed. Spent the rest of the day racking my brains (to no avail) and was really worried about what I would say when I got to work - what if I got found out! Luckily one of the guys I work with immediately said "Alright Mad, how's the throat today?" when I walked in. Phew.
(, Mon 12 Jun 2006, 12:10, Reply)
Everytime the lessons got crap or boring at one stage and all the kids were throwing stuff at each other and i didn't see the point in staying i just went to the medical room and said i feel sick spent half and hour on a bed and got picked up and taken home, where i just went to sleep!

I also knew a kid who was a serial school skiver, he turned up about ten times a year, each time late as he kept getting off the bus at the wrong stop, he then sat silently in lessons before going home at dinner time saying he felt ill. And when he spent all day at school it was normally cause he had done something, or made something daft like a flamethrower with a deoderant can and had an audience as he sent light to trees on the playing field.
(, Mon 12 Jun 2006, 11:50, Reply)
Pulled a sickie
to get off work as the pressure of people talking about me behind my back was so bad, went to the doctor to get a note and he diagnosed me with rheumatism.....
(, Mon 12 Jun 2006, 11:12, Reply)
a guy who was in the department i used to be jointly in charge of
he needed one monday off, badly, unfortunately he'd forgotten to tell personnel so he wasn't going to get it. MOnday morning i get a phone call: "sorry he won't be in, he's ill". the obvoius answer pops into my head and i set about badmouthing him to all the guys i work with, come thursday when he's back at work after a trip up north(i already knew about this) he tells me he couldn't come in because... he'd gone to thorpe park on the sunday and hurt his back badly on one of the rides.
in those 3 days, he admitted, he'd not taken painkillers for it or seen a doctor but was in a lot of pain and could he be excused from a lot of the work!

apologies for length
(, Mon 12 Jun 2006, 11:09, Reply)
Poor doggy
Once needed an evening off to attend a Wedding do (as I knew both Bride and Groom from work, and really wanted to attend). I had the afternoon off due to me split-shift pattern, so I could attend the Wedding ok. Work, however, thought that that was good enough for me and wouldn't let me get this night off for the do afterwards.

So....I attend the Wedding ok, then as I'm leaving for the do I ring HR in work saying that I got home from the wedding and shockingly found my 10 year old Labrador/Rotweiler (called Ben) haemorrhaging through his nose in the back garden. After two mins of spinning the yarn that I'm covered in dogs blood and on the way to the vets to try and save him, I'm well onto the way of the party.

Got pissed too, thanks Ben :)

PS Next day I went to work; cue all the HR team asking me what happened and if Ben's ok. Told them in detail as to how my dog had ruptured the dry skin of his nose, and needed stitches to stop the major bleeding. Soft twunts :D
(, Mon 12 Jun 2006, 11:06, Reply)
Getting away with murder
I was so desperate to get a week off work once that I told my boss I had been arrested in connection with the murders of Holly Wells and Jessica Chapman.

Unfortunately the police didn't see the funny side. Neither did the bunch of wild tabloid-reading chavs with pitchforks and burning torches...

Apologies for girth and flagrant fabrication.
(, Mon 12 Jun 2006, 10:50, Reply)
Ok, not me, but a friend when on holiday to spain. Whilst she was there she bought an elcheapo "gold" watch. Seemed like a good idea, only when she got back to good old blighty, it had managed to turn the skin on her wrist scabby, scaley and not unlike the under belly of a lizard. She didnt turn up to work for a few day, the reason? Spanish leprosy. Oh it amused me so i made a tribute to her

(, Mon 12 Jun 2006, 10:29, Reply)
oh dear
Years ago i was a photocopy bitch at an extremely drab governemnt office. I went clubbing one thursday, partied on through into Friday and realised i was never going to make it. So I called in sick. Food poisoning, of course.
Later that day the office phoned me to tell me i had been fired so completely that they refused to let me come back into the office. They never wanted to see me again. The reason? I had been writing a 'diary', what i thought was a series of amusing caricatures of my colleagues written from the POV of a miserable, people-hating bastard (i am usually a happy, people-loving bastard).
I left the disk in my computer on thursday, and on friday they found and read it, citing 'security issues'. I remember calling my boss a 'mincing kiddyfiddler' and the nice old lady next to me a 'flabby chinned harridan'.
It was the most shameful episode of my career. One week later i was shelfstacking in letchworth sainsbury's.
The club was the now defunct Velvet Rooms and the music was some of the best i have ever heard, though. I wouldn't have done it differently. And thank fuck it got me out of that soul-numbing hellhole.
(, Mon 12 Jun 2006, 10:27, Reply)
Awesome Sickie
I got ratted at a pool match on a Sunday night and had a minging hangover the next day.

"Hello, I can't come in today my spider's escaped. I need to find it before it bites a small child or something."

What the feg was I thinking?
(, Mon 12 Jun 2006, 10:13, Reply)
I once used diarrhoea as an excuse but when I had to fill in the sick form I realised that I didn't know how to spell it so I wrote:

sore tummy and a runny bottom

The boss found this unnacceptable and made me fill in the form again. This time I found a dictionary and wrote:

stomache pains and frequent discharge of abnormally liquid feaces
(, Mon 12 Jun 2006, 5:54, Reply)
A Fine Ailment

Whilst at university, I got into a spot of trouble having bunked nine months of lectures. A tutor eventually caught up with me one afternoon in the bar, when on a bender, I had already consumed nine pints of stella.

Being quite caned, the only excuse I could come up with was that I had developed alcoholism. Given the state of me, he amazingly believed it. I was taken off to the faculty secretary and forced to make an appointment with the big professor for the next day.

To make my story more convincing, I had to drink another eight or nine stellas and half a dozen shots of Chartreuse. Suffice to say, when I met him the next day I stank like a brewery and looked wrecked.

Luckily he believed it, and all was forgiven. In return I had to see a volunteer counsellor twice, and keep up the hangovers with excessive drinking for a while. Worked a treat...even got a special dispensation for the year end exams.

(, Mon 12 Jun 2006, 5:38, Reply)
I don't have a funny story this week

Because my back hurts.
(, Mon 12 Jun 2006, 4:20, Reply)
Well, it sounds impressive, at least...
My son's girlfriend was complaining that she didn't want to go to a friend's party, so she might call her up and say that she was too sick to go, but wasn't quite sure of what to tell her friend that she had.

I told her to tell the friend that she had suffered a sudden attack of gingivitis.

The sad part? I suspect that she did and that the friend fell for it.
(, Mon 12 Jun 2006, 3:25, Reply)
Who needs sickies?
Recently broke my wrist in a motorbike accident so now instead of going into work and spending about 2 hours of the shift doing actual work and spending the rest of the time in the T-bar (not due the sciving, that's just how aircraft maintainence works :P) I now spend all day in tool stores signing out tools for everyone and playing playstation.
And I thought it was impossible for me to do any less work.
(, Mon 12 Jun 2006, 1:28, Reply)
I'm quite unashamed about the fact that I suffer from
specific phobia (emetophobia) and panic/anxiety disorder - hey, it makes me part of who I am, right?
So.......4th of July was a Wednesday and I wanted to get hammered and not have to suffer through work.
California law has something about "mental health problems & confidentiality" so I called work and told them I was in the local mental health hospital due to my phobia and needing help.

Month off work, totally paid for.
(, Mon 12 Jun 2006, 0:50, Reply)

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