The best meal I've ever eaten
**wavy lines**

Back when I was a nipper, 14 I think, I had a holiday with my family to Cornwall, nothing unusual there, we often went down for a week in the summer. But this time it was different. We were staying in a lovely house in Polzeath which is a place I've revisited many times since based on the awesomeness of the childhood visit.
I was obviously growing up and interested in new 'older lad' stuff, girls, Rock'n'Roll, that sort of thing and had started to see the beauty of the grown up world from a young man's point of view, which makes this meal so vivid and special a memory for me.
Anyhoo, back to the point, we got dressed up one evening and visited The Mote Bar and Restaurant in Port Isaac., this didn't look to fancy from the outside but the inside seemed amazing, lots of old ocean related paraphernalia such as an old Diving Bell suit and various other oddities which were all startling, wonderful new things to my young eyes (I grew up in the middle of fucking nowhere surrounded by trees).
We were served by the smartest looking, most polite penguin/waiter I had ever seen and when asked what I would like to drink I asked for a pint of Boddingtons to which the waiter replied "A pint of Boddingtons for the young sir" SCORE!!!! This was something else to me and it only got better.
I had a crab and lobster creamy/cheesy (I think Mornay?) pot of absolute deliciousness that came out red hot with fresh crusty warm bread and salty butter, and I wolfed down the lot, followed by a local fish, I can't remember which, that had been grilled straight from the sea with a simple lemony, buttery sauce, samphire and new potatoes. We finished off with a gooey chocolate affair with clotted cream and a vanilla biscuit.
After we had finished, we sat outside on the slipway and watched the sun setting with the sounds of laughter coming from the pub drinkers and my family sitting all together letting the greatest meal of my life settle in our bellies. I smiled more through that evening than I have probably ever since and realised I was no longer a child. That meal inspired me to become a chef, which I did just a few years later and I have still never come close to a meal that was so satisfying.
I apologise for the lack of funnies and the fact I can't go into more details of what the dishes were called, it was 16 years ago!
Length? About 1-2.5hrs and a lifetime of memories.
( SauronWibble I'll hold it, you lick it..., Thu 26 May 2011, 14:59, 7 replies)

Everything tasted like shit
I used to work onboard ships as an engineering cadet. I was there to learn how to do things and help the 'real' engineers.

On my 2nd trip we did a drydocking in Szezecin, Poland. One of the jobs was to wash out the sanitary (shithouse) tank so it could be landed ashore and we'd have a new one fitted. The hot work required us to clean it otherwise hot shit would be happily bubbling away in the engine room during the docking, not good.

It had been onboard for 25 years a little resistance was expected so we opened the top hatch and blasted it with a fire hose. Took turns between 4 of us holding the hose at the hatch so it didnt fly out and cover everything....

It was the most rancid, foul stench I could/can imagine.... 25 years worth of shit, encrusted on the side of a steel tank being blasted back to life and hurtling towards my nostrils.

For both my dinner and evening meal, all I could taste was shit.... it was fucking awful and i can still remember the aches in my stomach off all the retching
(Monkeystrumpet monkey. Monkey, MONKEY!!!, Thu 26 May 2011, 14:59, 3 replies)

The tale of the Turkey
During the World War 2, as a lot of you are aware, rationing was the order of the day here in the UK.

On Christmas Eve 1944, a turkey was delivered by post from our relatives in Ireland (who were nuetral during the war and were never subject to the same stringent rationing as we Brits were)

Anyhow; the turkey arrived with a note that said "Don't worry about stuffing the turkey, we've already done it! Merry Christmas!!"

My Gran duly went down to the market for all the veg to go with this rather large turkey, with a parting shot, "Leave the Turkey, I'll cook it when I get back"
While she was out, my Aunt, who was 14 at the time decided to ignore my gran's words and thought she'd do her a favour.

She turned on the old cast iron gas oven and shoved the stuffed bird in the oven.

About 20 minutes later, there was an enormous explosion from the kitchen. The oven door was blown straight off and my aunt had her eyebrows burnt off in the resulting carnage.

It seems the Turkey had been stuffed witha bottle of Irelands Finest Whiskey.

I think they had a quiet Christmas dinner that year.
(frightfullybored, Thu 26 May 2011, 14:53, Reply)

Reading sirhiss's entry below reminded me
of the god awful California fish the missus attempted from a Delia recipe. The kids took one mouthful of this seemingly delicious encrusted seafood, both turned to me with faces that betrayed their desperate search for the appropriate etiquette for such a situation and waited. I briefly contemplated berating them for being so rude when Mrs 5 had slaved over dinner but then popped the fork in my mouth. I nearly cried it was that bad. To her credit Mrs 5 silently placed her cutlery on the plate and asked whether ribs and rice would be enough from the Chinese.
( number5 has been fighting tramps and losing., Thu 26 May 2011, 14:52, Reply)

I can't be the only one...
In the shower with new shower gel; smells like lemons, claims to be made of lemons, nope- tastes of soap. Ooh, smells like mint, claims to be made with a metric fuckton of mint, makes bollocks minty fresh; nope, tastes like soap again.
(madsporkmurderer, Thu 26 May 2011, 14:52, 8 replies)

They have this stuff in Japan
called bean curd. We had a selection of oriental food stuffs given to us by a friend; oyster sauce, fish sauce and such like. With this pseudo-hamper was bean curd.

I went on a Japanese course a little while ago and remember the tutor, a native Japanese, saying that it wasn't very nice. With this in mind, I took a teaspoon and dipped it vertically into the curd by about 2mm -- at most.

With intrepidation, I tasted it.

I spent the next 30 seconds leant over the kitchen sink constantly retching. I daren't make a move for the toilet in case the situation got worse.

After a minute I dried my eyes and managed to stand upright, breathing deeply as I went. At this point I thought bean curd might not be for me so I put the rest into the bin, funnily enough.
(ThatNiceMan thought he was being funny, Thu 26 May 2011, 14:50, 6 replies)

I once put what I thought was a square of cheese in my mouth which turned out to be butter.
It was at a really nice restaurant in Paris and I didn't want to spit at the table so made my way to the bog. That was quite unpleasant.

Best thing I've eaten would either be Vietnamese fresh rolls with prawn, or a steak I had at an Argentinian place in East London. Fucking lush.
( Geoff the Clownfish You know Myra, some people might think you're cute, Thu 26 May 2011, 14:48, 6 replies)

28 Fromage Frais
All flavours taste the same after about 15....

Goes from a spoonful of nice tastyness to like forcing baby sick down your throat.

Try for 50!

www.b3ta.com/questions/greed/post1169356
(Monkeystrumpet monkey. Monkey, MONKEY!!!, Thu 26 May 2011, 14:47, 3 replies)

Wax Crayons are surprisingly tasty.
They also have different flavours. The yellow and black ones are foul, but the red ones are amazing. Does anyone know why this might be?

(And for the record, I gave up actually eating them when I was about eight, but it remains a fond memory.)
(Sivvus trolley collision in the fruit aisle led to a jam, Thu 26 May 2011, 14:44, 2 replies)

Maybe a stereotype....
My wife once cooked a dish of beef stroganoff, back in the early days before we were married. It looked like dog vomit on a plate, I took one mouthful and basicaly said "I can not eat this". It was more amusing to watch her, in a stubboness that I adore, eat three mouthfuls while grimacing/smiling trying to convince herself it was delicious. Eventually she agreed it was gross and we had a takeaway. We still laugh about it 6 years later. Just for the record, it is the only NON delicious thing she has ever made.
(sirhiss, Thu 26 May 2011, 14:44, 1 reply)

Worst thing ever, and I suggest you all try it.
Boiled egg sandwiches are lovely, especially with a bit of salad cream. Crisp sandwiches are rather tasty too. Just because two things are nice by themselves, it does not mean that they make an excellent example of fusion food. You put them both in a sandwich.

As you are taking a bite, the first thing you taste is the egg. Yummy salad cream dressed egg. But then your teeth encounter the crisps. Your brain does not think "Mmm, crisps", it actually thinks "Bleuurrgghh! Egg shell" and makes you do that face of disgust that humans have evolved to push nasty stuff out of the mouth as fast as possible.

Try it, just the once. In fact challenge a mate to see who can eat the most.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Thu 26 May 2011, 14:41, 4 replies)

Quenelles de brochet.
Creamed fish, formed into sausages, and poached. Quite frankly, one of the most disgusting things I've ever had in my mouth (I didn't get as far as swallowing, it was that disgusting).
(The Empress it seems you CAN polish a turd!, Thu 26 May 2011, 14:41, 6 replies)

Two things, both slimy, both supposedly "food":
1. My grandma made scotch eggs for me when I was a kid for a field trip. Somehow she managed to soft boil the eggs rather than hard boil them, and the inside was still runny. Imagine biting into a scotch egg only to find lukewarm, slimy half-raw egg pouring out. *twitch*

2. Lidl started selling Ice Coffee in cans a few years ago. Due to the massive amount of flavouring in them, it's impossible to tell if they're mouldy unless you drink them and find mouldy lumps of milky pap in your mouth.
(Sivvus trolley collision in the fruit aisle led to a jam, Thu 26 May 2011, 14:40, 2 replies)

Jacobs crackers - slightly tenuous.
Not best or worst, but most frustrating.

I sent the following e-mail to Jacobs a while back.

Dear Sirs,
I am writing regarding your Cream Crackers. Whilst they are undoubtedly the premium cracker of this particular variety, I feel I must inform you of one particular botheration of mine.

The size of your crackers is, to be frank, infuriating. More often than not, after happily buttering one of your tasty morsels, I aim to munch roughly half the cracker at a time. As I bite along the horizontal, I hold said cracker with the fingers of one hand on the left and right of the cracker which I believe to be a sufficient and common technique. Upon crunching through the layers of creamy crispy cracker, it has a tendency to split along the perpendicular. The best case scenario is that the pressure exerted from my fingers clamp the pieces together, and they are held fast by the butter. Unfortunately, this does not always happen, and if I may refer to the old tale of toast landing butter side down, as is the wont of your crackers. Disaster ensues. Not only have I wasted approximately one half of the golden goodness, the floor is now decorated with butter.

Perhaps they could be made smaller, into bite size pieces. And/or perhaps the shape could be changed to a Ritz-esque circle. I understand it may be of noticeable financial inconvenience to yourselves to alter your manufacturing process at such an established phase in your companies' existence, but I can assure you that my consumption of your fine product would increase exponentially. Perhaps there are further avenues to be explored from this idea. For example miniature Cream Crackers topped with crème fraîche, smoked salmon and dill would make fantastic canapés that the working man can relate to, and not be afraid of as he stands in his hand-me-down suit, surrounded by the type of people who would look over-dressed in a Ferrero Rocher advertisement. The marketing even writes itself! I trust you will make the correct decision and I eagerly await your reply.

Yours faithfully,
TheColonel


And the reply I got?

A generic "Thank you, we will forward your suggestion on to the appropriate department."
(TheColonel, Thu 26 May 2011, 14:39, 3 replies)

Monkey Gland Sauce
Yes it really exists. Nothing to do with monkeys or their glands.

Various recipe variants exist on T'interweb, but the gist is as follows:

Finely chop a medium Onion and fry until brown.Add some Hot(tish) Chutney to the Onions and allow to simmer.

Take one tablespoon of Worcester Sauce and mix with a Tablespoon of Tomato puree. Feel free to add Peri Peri sauce as well to taste.

Add to the fried onions and allow to simmer.


Then ladle it over a steak/pork or lamb chop.

Marvellous!
(frightfullybored, Thu 26 May 2011, 14:39, 2 replies)

I'm suffering from a bad cold at the moment
So I bought some Boots Bronchial Cough Mixture at lunch-time to ease the chest a bit.

Assuming it was like any other cough mixture, I got back to work and took a hearty swig.

Once my eyes had stopped watering I managed to read the label about diluting with water before taking.

Seems to have done the trick though :-)
(Kliper Filllets Getting noticed by twats on the internet since, Thu 26 May 2011, 14:36, 3 replies)

The quadruple bacon cheeseburger kiev
My time as a student has been well spent studying diligently drinking and inventing culinary concoctions; some, unsurprisingly, ended up in the bin while I went to the kebab van (curry made with an out of date tin of spam and tesco value curry sauce anyone?) while others were more successful.

The quadruple bacon cheeseburger kiev is my current proudest achievement: think quadruple bacon cheeseburger in terms of ingredients, chicken kiev in terms of structure.

You will need:
Approx 1lb minced beef
a few rashers of bacon
some cheese
bread (may need to cut horizontally in order to fit)

1)Form the beef into two burgers
2)Plonk a nice generous helping of cheese and chopped bacon onto the middle of one
3)Slap the other burger on the top
4)Join the edges together
5)Fry for bloody ages, up to about half an hour depending on how much fat is in the pan

Definitely fits into the 'best' category, however the day I made the mistake of cooking and eating two is a contender for the 'worst'; as tasty as they were, they left me with the desire to do nothing other than stay sat in my chair waiting for the inevitable heart attack
(madsporkmurderer, Thu 26 May 2011, 14:36, 5 replies)

I found...
this recipe for lemon and semen cake this morning. Yes, I thought it was a typo too, until I read at the bottom 'You can experiment with flavors by asking your benefactor(s) to ingest different fruits.'

Mmmmmmm.
(Paperdove, Thu 26 May 2011, 14:28, 10 replies)

Andouillette
It's a local French delicacy. It's a sausage. It's made of innards which they have not had the decency to grind to a pulp and mix with whatever it is that makes you foget you're chowing down on areshole and elbow. Did I try and be cool by asking for it to be only partially cooked ("mi-cuit") like the locals? Yes. Did I take one bite and gag on the fetid odour of innards that seeped out of the beastly braised bohemoth? Yes. Straight in the bin, never again you rank bastards.
(impossibly witty twat No, YOUR Mum etc etc, Thu 26 May 2011, 14:28, 6 replies)

Lemoncurd and Marmite sandwich.
I was a kid and they were my current 2 most favoritest sandwiches in the entire world.

They didnt go well together.
( Crap Little Monkey Deathstar, so good they built it twice, Thu 26 May 2011, 14:28, 1 reply)

My favourite thing to eat in the world
is billy goats.
What do you mean, 'too late'?
(sarcastic fringehead feet of clay, buns of steel, head of lettuce, Thu 26 May 2011, 14:26, 6 replies)

Dining decadence you say? Pea roasted for your delectation.

Some twenty years ago whilst basking in the glow of the lowliest salary on earth (but a salary nonetheless) I managed to persuade three of my mates that we should go out to our regular Chinese and see if we could spend £100...on food only...per head! I should point out that whilst perfectly serviceable this was not a 'fancy' Chinese. The evening commenced with a good five minutes worth of note taking by the waiter who shortly after delivered an 'extra' table as ours couldn't fit all of the dishes on it. We were stuffed by the end of the starters but nothing if not determined ploughed on into the main courses accompanied by a deluge of vino and beer (not included in the £100 target remember). Two of our party made their way to the toilets for a tactical chunder to leave space for desserts and the obligatory spirits and cigar combo. Along the way we even had time to make a really blatant pass at a waitress and persuade them to let us steal the chopsticks rests.

Now if any of you can tell me why we thought this was a good idea for four lads of limited means when £15 could have fed all of us quite satisfactorily, answers on a postcard please!
( number5 has been fighting tramps and losing., Thu 26 May 2011, 14:23, 4 replies)

OK mods...
I can take a hint. Eight years hard labour and you ignore my plethora of decent suggestions.

Worst thing I've eaten? Biting back the bile when I saw what topic you'd chosen this week.

Good. I've got better things to do with my time anyway.

I'm off.
(Che Grimsdale Best before:, Thu 26 May 2011, 14:20, 8 replies)

a baby


Tastier than you might think.
( enoughblueskyforsailorstrousers, Thu 26 May 2011, 14:18, 5 replies)

Having given this some consideration
Best was an enormous plate of Lobster Spaghetti in a little Italian restaurant, accompanied by a very nice Chablis, and with the half of the lobster that wasn't in the spaghetti on the side. I'm not even a big fan of lobster, normally, but it was the most beautiful, buttery, decadent thing I've tasted, and I felt like no one else in the World could have been enjoying a meal more than me right at that moment. This impression was helped by the fact someone else was paying (and me getting quite pleasantly squiffy).

Worst is more difficult - obviously, there's stuff that was just 'gone bad', but the consistently most disappointing thing I've ever eaten that tasted like I think it was supposed to, was Czech/Slovakian Food. It is mostly the sort of thing a fifties housewife in Britain would have thought a bit bland. Dumpling upon dumpling, served with crusty bread, stew, sauerkraut, etc.. A sausage is about as exciting as it gets. Good beer though... I suppose they need it.
(SnowyTheWereRabbit the Leporid from Hell, Thu 26 May 2011, 14:18, 1 reply)

Cock
(Go on , touch it, Thu 26 May 2011, 14:17, 1 reply)

8th?
Or maybe just 4th.

My brother ate a slug for a bet. He toasted it first with a lighter, not sure if that improved the taste/texture.

I've got the video somewhere and the thing that made me almost vomit were the noises of the cameraman dry heaving as brother chewed through the slug.
( monkeyboyalpha jumping on the bandwagon since, Thu 26 May 2011, 14:12, 1 reply)

Simple

Best: Bacon
Worst: Vegetarian Bacon
(SnowyTheWereRabbit the Leporid from Hell, Thu 26 May 2011, 14:11, 7 replies)

mymilkshakebringsallthemongstotheyard
0
(mymilkshakebringsallthemongstotheyard poison hearts, poison minds - joining hate, Thu 26 May 2011, 14:11, 3 replies)

Guinea pig
Because it was such a pleasant suprise, juicy and not squeaky as you would imagine the little fuckers to be.

Snake was shit, tasted okay but all those bones, it was like eating a fish designed by committee.





Shit me, I even managed to avoid saying 'First' (well, up until now at least!)
( number5 has been fighting tramps and losing., Thu 26 May 2011, 14:11, 1 reply)