The mind
is a terrible thing to taste.

(10 marks)
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Sun 29 May 2011, 13:23, 6 replies)

I like making stew.
And I'm good at it.
However, last week I was sitting down to a nice bowl of beef and chorizo stew, with some sweet potatoes in it, cooked the night before so it had time to get really good, when something went a little odd.
As I raised the first spoonful to my lips I caught a faint whiff of commitment to the national community based on organic unity where individuals are bound together by suprapersonal connections of ancestry, culture, and blood. That struck me as just a little odd, as I never use violence and war as actions that create national regeneration, spirit and vitality in my cooking. Not only that, but the beef was a regulated, multi-class, integrated national economic system.
It turned out that my flatmate, as a prank, had dropped a copy of Mein Kampf in the stew. The bastard.
( Dr Preference AjcuiVd289, Sun 29 May 2011, 11:10, 3 replies)

Extra matured lager
Drunkenly stashed an open can in the airing cupboard at a party , then forgot about it . A month later I drunkenly stashed an open can in the same airing cupboard but remembered this time .
grabbing the wrong can equals instant spuke
( hyperspacial puggling, Sun 29 May 2011, 10:53, Reply)

Grit.

( PMGT -Bacon., Sun 29 May 2011, 10:37, Reply)

A large piece of chalk.

( PMGT -Bacon., Sun 29 May 2011, 10:37, Reply)

A rubber.

( PMGT -Bacon., Sun 29 May 2011, 10:37, 3 replies)

Hmmm...
Best I can remember is quite recent; a steak and ale pie on a horrendously wet and windy night in a small restaurant in Porthmadog. Nothing fancy, but one of the tastiest things I've ever eaten, and everything about it (veg included) was spot on.

Worst - Greggs Sausage, bean and cheese bake. Had one, and quite enjoyed it; had one the next day - absolutely rank. Made my mouth have that funny tickly feeling when it's had something nasty in it, and tasted the bloody thing for the rest of the afternoon, which just made me feel slightly queasy. Stick to the Steak Bakes.

Honourable mention - Mum got a recipe off someone once (25+ years ago, mind) for a Cheese and Marmite Bread and Butter pudding. It doesn't work, don't try it.
( milkybarnick is calming down Boris on, Sun 29 May 2011, 10:35, Reply)

Potatoes.
Soaked in white spirit.
( PMGT -Bacon., Sun 29 May 2011, 10:30, 2 replies)

topical
I was happily driving and masticating one sunny day a few years back when I took the second bite from my favourite confectionery, a Topic bar.
It failed to yield to my teeth in the normal manner and filled my mouth with a disgusting un-nutty and not-nougar flavour, I only caught a blurred glimpse of what was fired out of my mouth into the passing hedgerows at high speed.
My suspicions were confirmed when I heard about this on the radio a few weeks later.
news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk/237712.stm
www.independent.co.uk/news/mouse-found-in-topic-bar-1179399.html
(spleenspleenspleen coffeeflavouredsugarcoatednicotine, Sun 29 May 2011, 10:24, 1 reply)

I ate
a beer mat - chopped up into little squares and mixed with chocolate ice-cream.
(Waspard has your wank bank account details, Sun 29 May 2011, 10:19, Reply)

noisy little buggers, but good with gravy


( enoughblueskyforsailorstrousers, Sun 29 May 2011, 9:43, 5 replies)

Pot Noodle GTI
Pot Noodle GTi are premade microwavable meals in a pot. I bought one which was allegedly Sweet and Sour for a quid. Upon preparing per instructions I discovered a sea of runny bright orange toxic sludge at the bottom of which was a couple of noodles and some non descript "meat" (more accurately connective tissue) and that was it. I tried a mouthful and I actually felt sick. Naturally it looked nothing at all like the mildly palatable illustration on the front.

I realise pot noodles don't represent haute cuisine but this thing was rank. I wonder if they are conducting some kind of perverse stress test of advertising standards and food safety regulations.
(MagicMoose, Sun 29 May 2011, 9:23, 1 reply)

We went out to a flash restaurant one night in a big group of about 20 good friends. However, I'd recently figured out my best mate was shagging my missus so during the entrée I confronted him and her rather aggressively, as you would. Called him every name under the sun and then some, and did it in front of everyone in the restaurant. I threatened him with violence, full honda accord style, but before I could physically do anything nasty to him I was bustled away by some caring mates before the main course arrived. Seems I missed a smashing spread of high class delicacies.

Probably just as well I was removed from the scene because I soon found out I had the wrong end of the stick. I felt terrible and had to apologise profusely to this guy and everyone in our social group. Plus I was barred from the restaurant. Very embarrassing behaviour on my part and although everyone was good about it, I've never fully made amends as far as I'm concerned, despite being very contrite. However soon after I did work out who was shagging my missus behind my back - and as I'd learned my lesson from the restaurant scene, this time I kept my mouth shut. I confirmed my intel and turned into facts supported by evidence. And this time I didnt make a big noise about it - I just waited quietly for a few months until I saw him alone, and then I drove into him, smashing his legs to pieces while my knob was sucked by a supermodel. Worst meal - humble pie. Best meal - revenge, eaten cold.
( enoughblueskyforsailorstrousers, Sun 29 May 2011, 8:19, Reply)

It looked like a chip.
In a chain restaurant some years ago I had a lovely meal. Can't remember what it was but it included chips and parsnips. Chips I like and these were extremely good chips, at the time parsnips I was not too keen on. Nearly cleared the plate except for a small pile of parsnip. Last mouthful was to be a chip. I bit into it and got the taste of parsnip. Ruined the whole meal for me.
(jvz, Sun 29 May 2011, 7:49, Reply)

Pot Pourri
I was spannered enough to mistake it for a bowl of savoury snacks. 20 years later I can still taste it
(toomanypies, Sun 29 May 2011, 0:16, 3 replies)

Worst thing I ever drank..
I'd been out on the lash and woke up during the night still a bit pissed with mouth like a nuns proverbial. I reached out, bleary eyed, for the glass of pop I had poured before going to bed and took a big mouthful.

Little did i know that our ant problem had got up to the floor my bedroom was on and a few hundred of the buggers decided to drown themselves in its syrupy goodness. Dead ants do not taste good - although they do add a certain texture.
( bumface, Sat 28 May 2011, 23:56, 1 reply)

Snus
For those that don't know, snus is a tobacco that you get in Sweden which you roll into a small ball and put it between your gums and let it sit there (you can also get it as little parcels that remind me of Heinz Ravioli). It's also very popular (but technically illegal) in Finland. At a house party quite a few years back I was surrounded by many Finns. A lot of these guys played ice hockey, so, as smoking was frowned upon they all did this snus shit.

As is the case with most house parties there's loads of beer/cider cans on the floor sitting around, some full, some empty. I grab my can of beer, take a big swig and after the initial fluid goes down I have this absolutely awful taste in my mouth, as if a thousand chain-smoking grannies had french-kissed me. Judging by the look on my friend's face and the rank taste I had in my mouth, we both knew that his "used" snus went into my can.

It took every single inch of will power that I had posessed in the 20-odd years in my lifeat that time not to throw up. Everytime I smell that stuff these days it makes me gag. Horrible stuff.... stick to ciggies, at least you can tell when they've gone into your beer can.
(MonkeyFunker, Sat 28 May 2011, 22:49, 5 replies)

protect your chicken
i used to eat a lot of chicken. seriously, almost every night. chicken drumsticks done in foil, with salad cream to dip them in is yummy.
picking up the wrong bottle on the night before you go on holiday is very bad, especially if it means you're now taking a large bite of chicken drumstick dipped in factor 15 sun cream.
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Sat 28 May 2011, 20:54, 5 replies)

"Sous vide"
Is it just me?
I find this latest culinary method does "things" to meat which I'd rather it didnt. In my opinion the texture ends up being more like soap than meat fibre and although I am fully aware that you can then briefly pan-fry it to give it a touch of taste of colour, this does not make up for the wonderful results of the Maillard reactions which occur when, for instance, you fry up a good piece of fillet steak. It does make the meat easier to chew and for those of us with hereditary hypodontia, this could be considered beneficial.In my opinion its more like baby food than anything else.
Unfortunately this method is now becoming a lot more commonplace and much like any food fad, I can only see its inexorable rise to popularity. I cant wait until someone at the upper end of the food fraternity finally calls time on this piece of nonsense and we can go back to properly cooked food. Nothing has spoiled my enjoyment of premier cuisine more.

Worst home food moment? Using sweetened chestnut puree in a savoury dish with mushrooms....

On the other hand my best food moment was eating Lobster cooked on a barbecue by our personal chef on a small sand bar in the Indian Ocean. The chef and boat crew did fishing whilst my wife and I enjoyed a meal for 2 as the sun went down. All this for little more than a decent meal in Central London.
(gearanach #wankwankwank, Sat 28 May 2011, 20:31, 16 replies)

St Ives
Clotted cream
Fruit scones
Blueberry jam

All as fresh as they could be. The scones were light as a feather and the clotted cream was worthy of an aneurism.

The Scottish delicacy of a pie on a roll is also pretty immense, well worth a try.
(Cancer Joy was short lived, Sat 28 May 2011, 20:11, 2 replies)

Sweet varieties of things
Potatoes = awsome
Sweet Potatoes = not so much
Chilli Sauce = lovely
Sweet chilli sauce = no need for that
Pickles = win
sweet pickles = epic fail
(liquidkristal, Sat 28 May 2011, 19:19, 8 replies)

Octopus Terrine
I'd wager £5 octopus terrine is less edible than any other dogshit/student/mouldy suggestion here.

Never order it, never try it, never even go to a restaurant that sells it.

Trust me on that.
(TheCrownPrinceOfZanzibar, Sat 28 May 2011, 18:24, 5 replies)

First year at uni
By the end of my first term at university I had run out of money (having not yet figured out how to make it last).

My cupboard contained rice, Bisto gravy and tomato ketchup.

You'd think this is the basis of a beef and tomato Pot Rice.

It isn't. It really, really isn't.
(Timrot, Sat 28 May 2011, 18:15, Reply)

Fish
Normally I'm not a big fish fan, but one of my best meals ever was fish.

Back in my college days myself and my flatmates went on a shopping trip to tescos and saw they had fresh fish. My flatmates were really excited and talked me into getting some as well. When we got home my two flatmates started debating about how to cook it, should we pan fry it or bake it. So I came up with a better idea. We wrapped the fish in foil with some butter and herbs and cut up some potatoes, onions, peppers and wrapped them in foil as well. Then we picked up a few drinks and threw it all in a bag and walked about a mile to a river. Once at the river we walked along the bank until we found a nice area and set up a small fire and threw the foil packs on it.

Once it was cooked it was the best fish I had ever eaten. I'm not sure if it was because it was because it was fresh fish, or the fact that it was cooked on an open fire, or the fact that we were next to a river with no-one else around, or the fact that we had walked a distance so we were all really hungry, but whatever it was, I'm glad that we did it!
( bobzarkoff, Sat 28 May 2011, 17:55, 1 reply)

The Munchy Box
My band used to head up to Scotland a lot, now the Scottish amongst you will be familiar with all this, but for the average brit, its a whole new greasy world to take part in.

Among the highlights are the famous battered mars bars which you can get all over now (tastes like a chocolate crepe), the battered haggis (incredible actually) and a friend of ours was once visibly beaten by half a deep-fried pizza (no batter, just dipped in and infused with grease).

The one thing we've never tackled, although obviously I've had the components separately, is The Munchy Box, apparently becoming more commonplace, it weighs the same as a rather hefty baby and comes in a pizza box. It seems to include every fast food item bar a full curry under the sun in one, sopping, greasy square.

This blog post sums it up the best, I'd vouch this counts for both the best and the worst food you can eat: blog.23x.net/5/what-is-a-munchy-box.html
(myriad, Sat 28 May 2011, 17:37, Reply)

Swallowed some of the paraffin when I was doing some fire breathing.
Unpleasant doesn't cover it. Mind you, the pros use diesel so it could have been worse.
( number5 has been fighting tramps and losing., Sat 28 May 2011, 17:31, 5 replies)

Surgical spirit
Does not make for an entertaining drink for a three year old. I survived but my sister had demonstrated her long term aim of removing me from the equation.
( number5 has been fighting tramps and losing., Sat 28 May 2011, 17:29, 2 replies)

Not me but I once tricked a friend into eating a spoonful of insanity sauce
...triggering an instant asthma attack. Neither of us actually knew until that moment that he had asthma.

Oh how we laughed... well, I did, he was in the back of an ambulance.
(mooghead, Sat 28 May 2011, 16:49, Reply)

Funnily enough...
The best and worst meals I've ever witnessed came in the same meal at a diner in Temecula, Southern California a few months ago. Mrs Monsieur, Girl Monsieur and I live in Kent, UK, we were there visiting some relatives.

We stopped at this diner and perused the menu; I went for corned beef hash, hash browns and eggs easy over. Mrs Monsieur was feeling a little healthier and went for granola and toast...

Mine came out and was as expected, absolutely delicious and enough food for 4 people. Hers came out and was the weirdest thing that any of us had ever seen, thick, sweet toast that had been dipped in egg, fried, dipped in egg, fried, dipped in egg, fried, dipped in egg, fried, dipped in egg, fried, dipped in egg, fried dipped in egg and a handful of granola, fried and then literally smothered in icing sugar!

Then, rather than point at it screaming in horror, she ate it "to be polite". Damn.
(Croque Monsieur, Sat 28 May 2011, 16:21, Reply)

Logically it *should* have worked
I love curries.

I love them from the shops
I love them from the curry house
I love home made curries
I love making curries

Basically, if you've got the right ingredients, and you don't lob too much of any one thing in, they are pretty foolproof.

One day I was scouting around in the kitchen for the makings of my next curry (I like to bash up a big wok-full, then freeze a few pots for another day) - and I found that the one basic ingredient I usually need - the protein element, usually provided by lamb, beef, chicken, turkey, prawns, fish.... was missing... I had nothing in...

or did I?

I found a large salami/peperami thing in the back of a cupboard - the stuff you slice up and pop on top of a pizza.

My thought process went something like this...

*it's meat isnt it?
*curry is strongly flavoured.....
*so it will soak up the curry flavour
*this will work.

One diced salami/peperami thing later and an hour or so onwards I can categorically report that the salty flavor of peperami/salami thingy beats madras hands down - I wanted to brush my tongue with bleach after that disaster.

I'm still slightly gagging now thinking about it, and that was years ago - just don't.
(pistonbroke, Sat 28 May 2011, 16:04, Reply)