The best birthday I had wasn't even my own
I ended up being invited to this girl's 18th who I knew, but didn't exactly like. However, my best mate (who had recently been dumped) needed me there for moral support as her ex would be there with his new girlfriend.
We stumbled to the venue about two hours late after drinking three bottles of white wine between us, and decided that the most logical way to continue the night would be on the wine. We slumped in the corner where we could see the entire room and before long were managing to draw attention to ourselves by shouting about how crap the party was. Luckily, the DJs were mates of mine, so I ended up commandeering the decks for a while, and can vaguely remember this making the party a lot better.
However, it was when my mate's ex turned up the party really got lively. His new girlfriend turned out to be an almost carbon copy of my friend, which I pointed out to him often and loudly, before we ended up in a fist fight (to clarify, I am a girl). I got several punches in before one of my DJ friends decided it would be a good idea to get me home to bed. I barely made it out the door before collapsing and vomiting a lake of white wine. The car park seemed flooded to my drunk eyes and I ended up panicking I would drown, but my mate pointed out it would look a lot shallower if I wasn't lying face flat in it. How he got me home I have no idea.
(Having read this back, I realise what a bitch I was to the poor girl whose birthday it was. Sorry if I ruined your birthday, but I thought it was a top night out!)
(Lizzilla, Sat 10 Dec 2005, 13:59, Reply)

For my friend's 18th...
We...

- made him a 20 minute video of him as a Nazi, people calling him a flapmonkey, offensive sketches of him and his parents, all to the Grandstand Theme Tune.

- sent him about 300 annual general reports but made his address out to be 'XXX DELIVERIES' so his parents thought he'd bought 5 boxes of porn.

- made him a website (dancross.tk) in an attempt to make him famous for his birthday.

- bought him a bungee jump because we know he hates heights.

- planned to kidnap him and move the contents of his bedroom into the garden (we were too drunk for this to materialise)

...and for my birthday, he got me a stripper!

Legend, Crossy. (Flapmonkey).
(iwantacone, Sat 10 Dec 2005, 13:33, Reply)

birthday
the cricketers arms at the age of 20.

My fiends had to convince me it was last orders and sent me home to bed becuaseI was so pissed.

Turns out it was 7:30pm

oh the shame, the terrible terrible shame.
( WormuIus, Sat 10 Dec 2005, 13:22, Reply)

Bit of a roundabout story, but...
So, a few months ago, for my birthday (actually the day before), I was supposed to meet up with a very good friend from the States who was coming over to London just to see me. We were going to meet up in Covent Garden, and he would buy me many expensive drinks. Sadly, his plane never left New York, as one of the passengers had a hissy fit about the terrorist lookalike sitting next to her, and it was grounded. So he calls me to tell me this, and I disappointedly start to trudge back home.

On my way to the tube to begin the hot, sweaty ride back, I was knocked down by a taxi, rushing somewhere stupidly fast. Completely unconscious, and apparently looking quite grave, I was then dashed to hospital in the very same taxi (I found this out a bit later, as I will reveal).

Wake up the next morning in a hospital bed, feeling sore, but generally alright. New scar that wasn't there before. Cast. Nothing too appalling after the initial shock. Person in the bed next to me sees I'm awake:
"Oh, so you're okay. That's a relief. You looked pretty bad".
I look across, and who should it be but Madonna, fresh from her riding accident, recuperating not 4 feet from me. Before this has a chance to sink in, someone else walks into the room and likewise expresses relief that I'm fine. None other than Mr. George Clooney, whose taxi it had been that knocked me down.

Well, not being ones to waste such an opportunity, they got the orderlies to bring in a couple of decks, and Madonna played a few tracks off her then-unreleased album for me, with Clooney singing the accompanying harmonies and dancing like a young John Travolta.

Which was nice.
(cface run. Run, face, run!, Sat 10 Dec 2005, 12:35, Reply)

Birthday reminiscing and this is it
One year I fell into Breakfast Creek after overbalancing while throwing rocks at a houseboat. It had been a good night until then as my favourite horse Pocket Battleship had won the Winter Cup at the Albion Park trots. He was tiny and black. It was around this time that I began drinking scotch and dry which resulted in me having fewer blackouts.

Also last year a mature Asian lady I visit for massage with happy ending style scenario offered me full service when I mentioned it was indeed my birthday. She boils bones for her dog though which stink. She is the only person in my adult life to be nice to me on my birthday, aside from a delicious lass I worked with named Helen who covered my desk in streamers and kissed me full on the lips with a promise of more where that was from. Alas it was never to be, Helen for I was already in love, your offers of carnal pleasure were no match for the oral and sensory pleasures Victoria Bitter and Jim Beam offered
(rodgerroop, Sat 10 Dec 2005, 12:30, Reply)

Metallica came to my Party, but I was asleep
There was a machinery breakdown at my work so we were forced to drink from opening time through to 4pm. I then staggered off to get my birthday present - a ticket to that nights Metallica concert. Caught the bus home, changed and drove my car a long way across the city to the Brisbane Entertainment Centre after stopping for necessary driving supplies of Jim Beam and Cola. At the concert I remember giving a very long winded and ramshackle explanation of the snakepit to the man and his young daughter next to me. I think there were a couple of loud bangs and people cheered then a sour old security guard woke me up.
(rodgerroop, Sat 10 Dec 2005, 12:12, Reply)

Fancy dress?
I celebrated my 19th birthday with me & my friends dressed up in homemade superhero costumes, complete with POWs, BIFFs and dialogue balloons hanging from the ceiling.

We spent my 18th hangign out at the beach on a lake close to my house dressed as hippies/rock stars with wigs and bandanas, getting lots of funny looks from people :)
(Caustic Armadillo consists at least 30% out of custard, Sat 10 Dec 2005, 11:58, Reply)

Birthday disguise
After celebrating my birthday in fine style at my favourite city pubs on my own which is my preference as I am a dangerous outsider used to living on the fringes of society, I sat in the gutter in Adelaide St pondering my next move. A set of familiar looking headlights approached and pulled up beside me. Gabba Greyhounds please driver I said. Not tonight son came the reply. Bastard Black and White taxi driver was dressed up like a Queensland copper.
(rodgerroop, Sat 10 Dec 2005, 11:48, Reply)

My 18th was brilliant!
The plan was for a few of us to go to the local pub for the curry night and proceed to get wankered. However, some of my mates look under 18, and when they were IDed, they were completely unprepared, and we were kicked out. Fortunately, a 15 minute walk would take us to another pub offering a similar curry themed night, so off we went. When we got there, I discovered (well, I already knew) that a girl I went to primary school with works there behind the bar.

She was (and still is) HOT!

Anyway, my mate gets the first drink in for me, and I drink it with much gusto. However, just a couple of hours later, after copious amounts of lager, whiskey and Newcastle Brown, I was shouting out how I would like to shag the barmaid very loudly (loud enough that everyone in the pub could hear me). I was asked to quiet down by a barman. I agreed that it would be best, but my silence only lasted about 5 seconds, because as soon as his back was turned, I told him to fuck off and leave me to it... hmmm.

I also ate some candle.

Outside this particular pub is a children's playground, so there we were, 5 or 6 pissed blokes and a couple of birds, fucking about on the swings and stuff. What actually happened here had to be relayed to me, because I was too drunk to remember everything that happened. Basically, I fell over a lot, still shouting about my urge to shag the barmaid.

Then, when I got home, I shook my 13 year old sister's hand for a good 20 minutes, telling her the wonders of alcohol. Then I fell asleep on the couch. 10 minutes later, I woke up, puked all over myself (fully clothed, I might add) and rang my mum to tell her this. She was only upstairs! She came downstairs to clean her child up (the clever, sensible child of the 3 of us).

Surprisingly enough, I can no longer drink whiskey. Which is just as well, because it tastes like shite anyway.

This is perhaps the most shameful thing I have ever done, but fuck it, I had fun.
(Keiths Dad, Sat 10 Dec 2005, 10:50, Reply)

The Magic Ring
Seeing as most people seem to be revelling in the bad birthdays rather than the good you can all share my comedy pain. For my fifth birthday my parents hired an entertainer by the name of Sheik Ali Oasis; a big fat man, dressed like an Arab who did magic tricks. I was really into magic back then and, being the precocious little twat that I was, kept telling all my friends that I knew how he was doing every single trick. Of course at one point the Sheik heard me and called me out to the front to prove it. He began the magic ring trick; I'm sure you all know it, two solid metal rings that he would clash together and they'd become magically linked, tadaaaaah etc. So he asked me how he did it, I didn't have a clue. He made me feel the rings to make sure he wasn't cheating (he wasn't), told me to try it and, much to everyone's amusement, I failed miserably. Anyway, he was really funny, I had a great day so didn't mind getting my come-uppance and learning not to be such a pretentious little get.

Now my brother's birthday is only nine days after mine (he's two years older, we're not really freakish twins or anything) but guess who my parents hire as an entertainer for his party? So only nine days later I'm called out to the front again. I protested but my mother gave me the 'ruin your brother's birthday and just see what you get' look. So again I felt the rings, watched him do it, had a go and failed to do the trick again. But he was still funny so I still took it all good-naturedly, if just a smidge embarrassed.

He came to mine and my brother's birthday the next year and the year after that and the highpoint of everyone's day was the inevitable moment when I would be called up for my humiliation. I must have made quite an impression on him, because skip forward ten years and our family was at some fair where he was doing tricks. He actually recognised me in the crowd and pulled me out to try the bloody trick again! Before he even handed me the rings he put his arm round me (now 16) and told the entire crowd this whole story and naturally, they all laughed their arses off at me when I failed again. Curse you crude racial stereotype! Curse you!

However the real punchline only became apparent a couple of years ago. I was reading the local paper when a name caught my eye. The headline read "Local Childrens Entertainer On Sex Offenders Register". Turns out that Skeik Ali Oasis was offering other forms of 'entertainment' to certain children. So there you have it, for a few years, in celebration of my own as well as my brother's birthdays my parents forced me to fondle a paedophiles ring. Beat that!
( Gleeballs is mostly made out of chocolate and hate., Sat 10 Dec 2005, 10:20, Reply)

Horrid experience......
On my 16th my "mates" (all much older) chipped in to buy "the kid" a NASTY yard.
I was stood on a stool in the pub and managed to get most of the HORRID drip-tray+tequila+!? down to much applause and hilarity BUT as I did the final swoop upwards I smashed the yard on the ceiling and got plenty of glass in my mouth, nose & eyes.

So it was Blindness/Blood/Vomit o'clock for me. It took them ages to see me at Manchester R.I.
AND Matt Busby died that day.
(Lo-Fi Foetus, Sat 10 Dec 2005, 10:08, Reply)

21st and 22nd
On my 21st, the night before, i ended up boffing a mates older (24yr) sister, which was pretty cool at the time. Queue a couple of hours later, meet my mates on my Bday, they're all gigging like kids. i'm thinking they know about the night before or something.

Get in the pub, an loads are like it. Next thing i know after a few beers and messing around, this huge bird waddles in, must be 25+ stone

Bastards have got me a grot-gram. long story short, kecks out window, too much baby oil, hernia, that sorta thing, it all passed of after a while. Never said a word about the night before.

Year later they were all so ashamed of the previous one, i was the first to get a 2nd stripper, this one tho was size 8 nurse type, cool. no boffing mates sisters that time tho, shame
(1_not_so_careful_owner, Sat 10 Dec 2005, 9:55, Reply)

Well...
It's hard to have a bad birthday when you're born so close to Xmas and your family has never heard of the idea of giving one gift for both occasions (commences dodging snow balls with rocks in them).
(Kitsune-chan I'm not a bunny I'm a grownup girl, Sat 10 Dec 2005, 9:02, Reply)

Eighteen
My 18th Birthday could've been a night to remember. I got drunkenly chatting/chatted up by two students who I'd fooled into thinking it was my nineteenth birthday and I was a fresher. It would've been a great night, I'm sure.

Sadly I had just started going out with a girl who couldn't make that night out, so my damn conscience got in the way - and we ended up finishing two weeks later! Thats three shags not had.
(oseany, Sat 10 Dec 2005, 8:33, Reply)

Lucy Jordan
I spent my 26th birthday hunched in the corridor of my fleapit sharehouse crying and crying and crying because my life had come to shit. Even better, it was my 33rd the other day and some cunts had to call up and remind me of it.
(Emily Bruce-Dickinson http://jovialfellow.blogspot.com/, Sat 10 Dec 2005, 7:39, Reply)

All average birthdays
except for my 4th one. I was my parents first child and they thought they would do something special for my 4th birthday. I dont remember a whole lot being as young as I was, but I do remember the kids from pre-school were there and one of those little basterds thought he would ride on my tricycle. Normally I probably wouldn't have cared but I had just recieved said tricycle and wanted to ride it at the same moment he did. He ended up reaching it first and decided to start riding it. Well I sure as hell wasn't gonna take that. I pushed that basterd off the tricycle and he hit the floor and started to cry. Then my evil parents came and sent me to my room for being an idiot. So there I was with my big b-day party and I'm in my room cause some cunt thought he could ride my tricycle on my f'n birthday.
(If your not a manc your a wank, Sat 10 Dec 2005, 5:39, Reply)

Hmmmmmm
Well, I think my last birthday (19th) has been my best so far!

Me and friends went for a fancy-dress-birthday-picnic in the local woods. Plenty of booze and scotch eggs, you can't go wrong really.

Picture of us before we set off

Kept my toff costume as well, never know when it might come in useful....
( SocialRobot, Sat 10 Dec 2005, 2:49, Reply)

The Wisdom of My 21st and the Greatness of My 25th.
It was the Easter holiday at university so I went to visit my parents. Once there, over the course of about four hours, my cheek started to swell a little. Just another little wisdom tooth flare-up, I thought.

Wrong.

Over the course of the evening, the pain went from mildly annoying to searing agony. Much later that night, I had to wake my dad up to drive me to casualty - the pain was unrelenting and the swelling was, by that time, the size of a tennis ball. Tears were streaming down my cheeks and I had eyes like Cartman's when he's in a bad mood.

Got to Casualty and the triage nurse asked me my date of birth. I told her.

She said, "No, love - that's today. What's your date of birth?"

"Twenty-one years ago today," I drooled.

"You poor sod," she replied.

Four years later (devoid of wisdom teeth)I was at Manchester Airport, waiting for my girlfriend (now my wife) to arrive from the States. Doesn't get much better than that!
(Nardis, Sat 10 Dec 2005, 1:49, Reply)

It sounds like bullshit
but I have had pretty much bad birthdays since I can remember....until this year, my 26th. Everything was mellow and fun and had lots of joy....except going through a slow break up with the now ex....

Now...where to start. Oh, I think it is as far back as I can remember.

Well....13,14 were totally over powered by a smack head brother.

15...Had started to accumulate a rather nasty drug habit myself...and coming upto GCSEs with the thought of going clean for a couple of weeks. Not nice.
16...In A-Levels. Horrid habit, losing weight. Nothings much fun with too much amph in your brain.
17...Cant remember that one.
18...2 Days after had to go to court. That over shadowed it all really. Had a night out clubbing. Too much amph...too much paranoia.
19-21...violent boyfriend years. Says enough.
22/23...Cant remember.
24...2 Days after is my aunties funeral.

....hmmm...12th month is not a good day...looking at the pattern....

25...now ex decided to drop one that he's not sure what he wants.

26...Was still with him but don't give two pennies...got loads of great mates who treat me to the best one I've had since I came off of drugs.
27...CANT WAIT!!!

So...out of all of those, I guess it is only one good birthday so far....so lots to make up for. YAY!!!!

xx
(Oops....did I say that out loud cos I really bloody want to., Sat 10 Dec 2005, 1:44, Reply)

All of mine have been shit
Except for my 18th. Wahey.
THAT was spent in France. At a karaoke bar. With about 20 ladies and 3 guys from all over England, absolute strangers one and all. We're all closest of mates now...but I digress.
I somehow got it into my head that it'd be a fun idea to go dressed as a pirate. And I did. Sword, eyeliner moustache, eyepatch made from foam I found on the road, the works. Sang my little heart out to Queen, got free drinks as a birthday present and managed to cop off with not only one of the English girls (still together btw, happy ending, woop!) but earlier that evening my face was glued to the obligatory french lass I met earlier that week
Get in.
(Gat Bandish I've got wood in my soul, Sat 10 Dec 2005, 0:24, Reply)

the poor missus...
we wanted to go to for a nice dinner on her b-day on wednesday.

turns out the night before that our son and me caught a fucking stomach bug. so she spent the day listening to me puking and crapping my guts out while changing nappies and cleaning the carpet of baby vomit.

well, a woman's work is never done.
( bierbelly, Sat 10 Dec 2005, 0:04, Reply)

Not the worst .....
.....by all standards, but my 21st birthday was celebrated with a ticket from the plod for doing 45 in a 30 zone.

Welcome to adulthood.

Gits.


edit: 16th birthday was best for me so far. Dad and about 40 other people bought me a stripper and got me drunk over in Russia. What a night :)
(shamen Geekius Maximus, Fri 9 Dec 2005, 23:37, Reply)

Ooh, several of these...
My mate's 19th birthday last year was subdued (hes not much of a party animal). However, the night was definitely improved by the amount of beer drunk. The birthday itself wasn't so good - The comment of another mate next morning, when I staggered into college very hungover at about 9 in the morning, makes it memorable. I plunk down, white as a sheet and trying not to open my mouth, when I'm greeted by the immortal words,

"God Andy...You look like ass."

And I did.

My 18th in was pretty good, more for the loot taken than anything else (although the night was particularly good). I woke up next morning to discover:

- A tower of kebab boxes built in the corner that rivalled the very best pagodas,

-Four of my mates sprawled randomly on the floor, possibly dead,

-Four traffic cones,

-The sign from the rock bar we'd been drinking at,

-Several road-blocks usually put around large holes in the road,

-That we'd put my parent's car up for sale with a large magnetic sign (same for my metal bedstead).

Thing is, when we were getting away with our ill-gained loot the night before, a police car had pulled up. The exasperated looking bobby simply leaned on his door and told us to put the stuff back. We did. Then got it again! We fought the law, and the law won, but then we did a double take. Ha ha ha.
(Cheesecake Like a cake...But cheese, Fri 9 Dec 2005, 22:50, Reply)

birthdays suxor teh b1g wun!!
18th: no one came
19th: got arrested
wonder what will happen on my 20th, oh i cant wait....
(asbad, Fri 9 Dec 2005, 22:26, Reply)

25th
Eh up,
What did I get for my 25th birthday?

Absolutely nothing from my folks. Not even a card.

What made it worse was that I came home to the wonderful repast of sausage beans and chips.

Bastards.
( Parmesan Quality b4 Quantity, Fri 9 Dec 2005, 22:06, Reply)

30
So many 30 stories, mine wasn't good or bad. I did get a singing pig, however. A *GIRL* singing pig! Turns out March 1 is National Pork Day or something. Oh, the puns...

I was hoping nothing would happen, but in the course of my work day, I saw a costumed someone unloading a van out back. Balloons. Crud. Well, at least it's not a flippin' clown! So off I run to the library. I nearly stayed away all day. But you know, people arranged this (thanks, mumsey!) just because they were thinking of me and wanted to have some fun. They would be disappointed if this didn't happen. So I smiled pretty and posed with a very well-endowed woman in a pig costume.

It was a totally SFW girl pig, BTW. People weren't thinking of me THAT much or wanted me to have THAT much fun.
( setimret likes his metaphors mixed, not stirred, Fri 9 Dec 2005, 22:02, Reply)

30th The Best
30th was teh best - working overseas in Japan \o/ loads of beer, hot chix, friend visiting from England \o/ Ordered REAL fugu and best friend and I tripped out on Fugu - then off to Karaoke and pool. The best.
(fugu - alz0r.stoatopic.net/p/10942 )
(me+mrs :) alz0r.stoatopic.net/p/10943 )

Worst birthday hmm, prolly last year working at a prep school, having been a complete beer monster and always enjoyed going out with workmates on the lash, this was so god damn boring it was beyond compare. Thank fuck I dont work there anymore \o/
(The_artist_formally_known_as_alz0r, Fri 9 Dec 2005, 21:38, Reply)

Mother, Football, Death
21st April 1997. I'd ridden up from the south on my bike and we went straight to the hospital. My mother was on a bed, which we decorated with blue and white balloons for the next day's match. She came round enough to say 'pretty', then was away again, repeating 'death, death, death'. Over and over, 'death, death, death' . A nurse came and changed a drip, I watched a bubble of air trace the tube into my mother's vein.

The next day was my birthday. At five in the morning my brother woke me: 'she's gone'. We went to the hospital, the body was there, empty. That evening in the pub we cheered til we were hoarse as home side Chesterfield lost the FA cup semi-final replay. It was good while it lasted.
(enile_snirkette, Fri 9 Dec 2005, 21:13, Reply)

I don't like birthdays...
On my 19th birthday I got dumped.
On my 20th, I had a massive fall out with a lot of my mates from home, never to speak to them again.
On my 21st, I was the victim of an attempted mugging (I still kicked the shit out of the two of them though).
On my 22nd, I had an accident involving a half-ton railway trolley landing on my hand, crushing it. Whilst I was in hospital my house was broken into.
On my 23rd, my housemate informed me that he'd been shagging this girl who I'd been after for ages (and he knew it).

Yeah, birthdays recently have been utter shit.
(scentless_apprentice takes two bottles into the shower!, Fri 9 Dec 2005, 20:32, Reply)