New house, new flatmates, best make a good impression ...
So they were all out one night and I wasn't feeling great, so I decided to stay in. Noticed the mountain of washing up and decided to score some points and do the lot.

It was while I had my entire hand inside a pint glass, doing that twisty-cleany motion you do to clean the inside of glasses, that it cracked and I twisted my hand fully onto the new razor-sharp edge, right down to the bone. The sink turned red in an instant.

Looked around for a towel and only saw filthy, brown, moulding ones. There's one in the downstairs loo! Walked calmly to the loo (which is right by the front door - this detail is important later), a thick trail of blood in my wake. It was bleeding a LOT. Wrapped my hand in the towel in the loo. Got blood everywhere, including on the mirror. Walked back to the kitchen, still dripping blood. Thought for a second and decided to drive myself to hospital.

Car keys in hand, I thought I'd better leave a note for my housemates should they return to explain the gorefest and my absence. With my left hand I started detailing the entire history, starting with "I decided to do the washing up..." However, since I cannot write well with my left hand at the best of times and I was losing blood at an astonishing rate from my right hand, I crossed it all out and scrawled "CUT MYSELF" I even put a "x" at the bottom. Placed the paper, complete with bloodstains in a prominent position on the table and left.

A&E was the usual 7 hour clusterfuck. When I finally got home at 4 in the morning, I found my ashen-faced housemates all sat in silence in the front room. They almost fainted with relief. All they knew is that they returned home at 3am, still speeding their tits off, found a trail of blood that they saw led FROM the toilet to the kitchen. Found the note. And assumed their new flatmate had performed some kind of self-castration operation and had then left the house to bleed to death in the streets.
(Tarka_the_Frotter, Mon 11 Aug 2008, 10:09, 1 reply)

This is an excellent story
Nice one!
( Cawl, Mon 11 Aug 2008, 10:34, closed)