"In terms of"
This one really makes me cringe. Please, say what you mean clearly, stating the object of the sentence near the start rather than starting with what you might be doing and tacking on, "In terms of" on the end. Even worse is when it's totally unnecessary.

"Crisps can be expensive in terms of money"
"The project is going to overrun in terms of time"
(MrOli is ugly, but in the morning you will be sober, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 18:41, 2 replies)

Personally, I have trouble
saying 'Irish wristwatch' quickly, ten times in a row. When pissed.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 18:40, Reply)

anything written on the side of a caravan
including crusader, white knight, excelsior, etc
(benito vaselini no not that one, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 18:39, 3 replies)

My mum
can't say certificate. She says "Sustickyfoot"
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 18:39, 1 reply)

"Total cost of ownership"
Please translate this to:

I am attempting to bend your mind with smoke and mirrors. If you make a substantial capital purchase then it will save you money.

Often (but not exclusively) used by "Cuntus Cuntus" - common name, the photocopier sales person.

I, for many a year, was one of these horrible individuals (though hope to god I wasn't as horribly cliche as most of them).

This is an industry that survives on inventing and adopting phrases to fiscally-rape your company.

Other beauties related to the industry include:

"Evergreen contract" - a way that you can commit capital to constantly refresh your office fleet". This translates to a never ending finance agreement where you agree to pay a vast quantity of cash to us every month - oh and when you cotton on and tell us to stop we'll terminate it - with 5 years notice.

"Total Volume Plan - you only pay 2 pence per print, including the cost of the capital for the machine.". This translates to "it only costs you 2 pence per print, however, you have to commit to a volume of 250,000 prints per quarter (which Margaret on reception wouldn't achieve in 12 years).

"Refurbished - in as new condition" - this really means a bag of spanners that nobody wanted, and that an engineer has either a) wiped down with a dirty cloth or b) removed the panels and cleaned it with Cif or other cleaning products available at all good (and bad) outlets.

"Document Management Suite - you can handle all your documents seamlessly" - for your average copier salesperson this translates to it has a scanner, but don't ask me what to do with the vast quantity of shit you'll scan in, not archive nor index - or indeed backup.

"We're on the OGC contract to supply to public sector". This should mean that you can purchase goods at a pre-tendered price. Did they mention the fact that they can add an "invisible" line called consultancy? This means they can walk into a school with 29 pupils, sell a multifunction printer for £1,100.00 on a contract and then put it on a lease - and oh yes - the consultancy was £2,800.00.

Now, partially, as the hunter becoming the hunted I tend to spit vitriol, hatred and man-milk over all those who try to yank me with these buzzwords.
(spongtastic - Fisting midgets since 15.45, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 18:25, 1 reply)

"Credit Crunch"
Apologies if this has been mentioned already -- but this is a fucking RECESSION. To listen to and read the news you would think that poor people in the US and UK with a bad understanding of how money works are to blame for this. "credit crunch" -- someone borrowed more than they could repay.
How about we call it a "Banker Theft"? Last I heard the bloke down the estate with a plasma TV didn't have the power to approve his own loan.
(Me, I'm not... in any way intoxicated, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 18:22, Reply)

'as such'
no need.
( TheFinch is getting to grips with the complex plane on, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 18:21, Reply)

no, i don't speak micra
nor does anybody else, you fucking idiotic advertising wankers!
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 18:18, Reply)

As taught to me by my A-Level English Teacher
Anyone who when giving an important talk or lecture says "Basically" has no fucking clue what they are talking about.

I reckon this will shaft most politicians during the next few weeks.
(mediumpete and his frozen cheese collection wrote this, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 18:02, 7 replies)

Sanitized Swearing
I know a whole group of people who say "flip" or "fetch" as exclamations. I once heard a guy say, "What the flippin' fetch are you doing, you fetcher!"

I prefer the tried and true Yosemite Sam speak: "rickin' frackin' brickin' brackin'"
( BrokenCoccyx doesn't mind if you grope on, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 18:00, 7 replies)

People who use 'lol' as a form of punctuation
It's the visual equivalent of nails on a chalkboard for me, and twice as annoying when done in conversation in person. Of course, the upside to someone doing it in person is that I have a real opportunity to smack them instead of just wishing I could.
(louveciennes , Volvospotter, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 17:58, 15 replies)

Turn the crank.
I always used to get extremely annoyed when a professor or co-worker referred to doing a calculation of some sort as "turning the crank" to get an answer. "Cranking it out" made no real sense to me either- where the fuck is this crank that they all refer to?

I finally have the answer: www.vcalc.net/cu.htm

Somehow this makes my day.
( Wanderer, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 17:57, 2 replies)

Facetious (I believe it is spelt that way).
Or any other annoying word my mum uses. She uses the biggest words when she's angry just so it pisses me off more. Thanks mum!
(. Y . ), Thu 8 Apr 2010, 17:57, 4 replies)

Corporate speak
"We need to develop synergies among program owners in order to leverage our customer's touchpoints."

I'm not sure if people are working or engaged in sexual assault.
( BrokenCoccyx doesn't mind if you grope on, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 17:57, 1 reply)

I don't mean to be ... but ...
We all hear it. And I swear it is the worst one of the lot.

My boss does it all the time. "I'm not angry, but..." "I'm not trying to be funny, but..." - what a complete load of utter utter shite!

How can you not be something and then come back with a 'but'? Surely it is just easier to be plain with people. You wouldn't go up to someone and say "You're not a twat, but you did this wrong". Just say "You did this wrong and you're a twat."

Honesty counts, and if you come up with the "I'm not... but..." then you've not much hope of anyone having any respect for you.

Rant over.
(mediumpete and his frozen cheese collection wrote this, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 17:56, 1 reply)

My personal favourites.

OMG and like. I hate these two words, especially when they are sprinkled liberally, and for no reason, in a sentence. When I hear them used, it indicates to me that the person talking is an airhead of the highest order. But I do like the word wanker!
(Woofie, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 17:50, 3 replies)

at a movie and only get to hear ... the audience
"That's so funny!"
"Did you see that?"

Then they narrate what we all just saw, or explain the joke...

I'd like to see a sign at the movies:
"Desperate attention whores who need a constant fix and can't handle it when their friends aren't looking at them for longer than five minutes, should be left outside the theater."

There could be a room for them and they could all talk to each other, they'd probably love it as long as we called it the "Special Princess Room" and it had mirrors...
( Allisade would love to hear from you, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 17:46, 3 replies)

oh i have a few
"banter" - just annoys me to a whole new level
"standard" - normally said by an idiot
"messy" - anyone describing their night as messy also probably should be sterilised
any one describing themselves as random, random do us a favour and jump off a bridge SPONTANEOUSLY
pairing "times" with any other word this is possibly one of the most infuriating use of a word, anyone who does this normally has alone "times" where they contemplate their meaningless existence.

on a side note when driving past a tatoo parlour called "intenz" art i can't help but get annoyed that spelling does not convey the word they were looking for!!!
(Muncee, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 17:44, 1 reply)

Where to start?
1) "Turns around", when used by someone recounting a conversation. "So she turns around and says 'Up yours', so I turn around and say 'You can't turn around to me and say 'Up yours'', so she turns around and says" etc. Who are these people who attempt to conduct entire conversations with their backs to each other?

2) Any word apparently invented purely for use in piss-awful celebrity magazines bought to gawp at whilst cramming a 'Meal Deal' down the throat over lunch. Examples include 'Bromance', 'Frienemies' and any portmanteau of two names, e.g. Brangelina, Jedward. This may mark me out as a collosal snob, however in my defence these magazines are absolutely fucking shit.

3) 'Could'/'Help'/'Fight'/'Could help fight' in the context of crooked adverts for ropey health products, e.g. "Rubbing our unique Bosweloxidentospunk formula into your skin every night for the rest of your life could help fight the signs of aging", "Eating Miserybix for breakfast every day could help fight colesterol". Well, yes. And me spending five minutes less a day knocking one out to Norktube.com could help fight global warming, but I don't see the Nobel committee awarding me anything. Despite numerous emails.

4) Endogenous. Learnt it in AS-Level Economics years ago. Still hate it. Makes me think of mucky cocks for some reason.
(costas, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 17:40, 8 replies)

People who describe themselves as "mad"
as in "crazy, whacky and fun!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"


You'd better be sitting in a corner carving spoons out of soap and going 'wibble' a lot.

Otherwise you're just a boring, unimaginative cunt.
(The Empress it seems you CAN polish a turd!, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 17:37, 2 replies)

People who use foreign words...
...for no good reason (just incase you had me pegged as a Daily Mail I'm not a racist but... type of person.)

You know what I mean, writers who use words like azure or rouge when fucking blue or red will do. I bet Dante or Camus never felt like subbing English words into their poetry (I'm sure someone will correct me on that one but the point remains), so why do English writers feel the need to show us that they know the Italian for blue.

Also place names.

I am aware that Moscow is Moskva in Russian, I am aware that Warsaw should be pronounced Varshavaa, but in English we have English words for these places.

To use the example of Moscow.

If I am speaking Russian the country would be Rossiya and the capital Moskva. (cant be chewed with the cyrillic keyboard for any pedants out there.)

If I am speaking Hungarian it would be Oroszorszag and Moszkva.

German: Russland and Moskau.

In English though it is and should always be Russia and Moscow.

Makes me start having headaches when I am corrected by some jumped up twat who has done interrail or the likes, visited a city for 2 days, flicked through a rough guide, got pissed, desecrated a national monument or two and is suddenly Ptolemy.
(captainbildo, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 17:26, 14 replies)

Will you all just fucking listen yourselves?
The way some of you prattle on makes me think you go around talking like a Pathé News narrator. Yes, I understand that a lot of people need some, if not more, educating over grammar rules. Very widespread in the UK is the use of sat when sitting should be used. Otis Redding did not sing "sat on the dock of the bay". The Beatles did not sing "Oooh, when I saw her stood there". I was appalled when my daughter's English teacher said sat instead of sitting at a parents' evening. She wasn't best part pleased when I corrected her either. Saying 'can I' when you mean 'may I'. My first teacher at primary school drummed that one into us

The same goes for the rules of punctuation. A bit of extra word power wouldn't go amiss either. There's no excuse for it. Well actually there is. A culture of dumbing down over the last couple of decades has meant that people are becoming teachers without a decent grasp of language. They pass on their bad habits and then the media and businesses feel the need to dumb down to cater for these people.

My grammar is far from perfect. My problem is I'll post on here and then have to do ninja edits to correct stuff, mainly tenses; the narrative switches from past to present and back again.

Ninja edits? You mean you actually put on the garb and thrown shurikens at the keyboard? (This is the sort of pettiness I see on here)

However, this is all well and good, but some of you are forgetting how rich the English language actually is. Forgetting the good selection of dialects and regional variations that exist. All the idioms, metaphors, euphemisms, semantics and metaphysical conceits; without which poetry would be nothing.

The English language (like all others) is evolving. It always has and it always will. If it didn't, we'd still be talking like Chaucer, or something even more arcane. All of you language snobs need to STFU and accept that.

Complaining about bad English is fair. Rules are there for a reason. But those rules are there to be built upon. Complaining about new English and you need twatting, preferably with something blunt and heavy.

And if you complain about the splitting the infinitive, I will hunt you down, armed with my pliers to painfully pull your lips off.

p.s. leverage can be a verb much like table (table a meeting).

Edit: Oh, and spelling. Learn to spell. and learn the difference between someone's bad spelling and a typo.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 17:24, 12 replies)

A question mark?
Am I the only one who considers the phrase "There is a question mark over whether Gordon Brown ... " to be utterly idiotic?

A question mark is what it says it is - a mark for hell's sake. It's a little piece of punctuation that tells you a question is being asked.

Is there a giant punctuation mark floating over GB's head? There should be perhaps but I'm sure someone would have noticed if there was. He'd be banging his head on the thing the whole damn time.

Do we say that there is a exclamation mark over the Tory policy on taxation? No we do not. Why? Because it would be moronic to do so.

But even the BBC will say this - there's a question mark over this, or that. Surely there is a question, or even a query over whether something will happen. There's no question mark, is there? So please - just stop it.
( Ugi , it's a game of give and cake, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 17:21, 3 replies)

I
work with a professional writer with actual screenwriting credits on real programmes which have been shown on real proper non-satellite telly. She has at least two decades of writing experience under her belt. And not only is she still the second worst fucking journalist I have ever encountered in the wild, she still doesn't know the difference between 'brought' and 'bought'. Or rather, she does seem to sort of know there's a difference, but hasn't worked out which is which.
(Wong Fei-Hung - now with added flickr.com (see profile), Thu 8 Apr 2010, 17:17, Reply)

The problem is....
It comes up in just about any situation, usually when someone is trying to get something done, and someone else (usually an oxygen thief of some sort of description) is trying to sound big and clever by wilfully misinterpreting whatever has been put in front of them.

The problem is.... NO!!! Read the briefings, then look through them again, then come back with constructive questions. The only problem is narrow minded fuckwit who doesn't understand what's going on, makes some half arsed objection (usually very loudly).

In actual fact, all you're doing is extending whatever god forsaken meeting for an extra twenty minutes until you've had your say and reached exactly the same conclusion that everyone else did before the chocolate biscuits ran out.

You can almost guarantee that the person that started their mundane little objection with "the problem is..." has chronic b.o. and on occasion, missing teeth. So there's the real problem, less interference with other people's affairs and more attention to basic forms of hygene.

And that's why whenever I hear those three little words, I know it's going to be a long day...
(libraryboy Cheer up, you could be french!, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 17:17, Reply)

EXTREME!
I think it's finally fading now, but remember when everything was EXTREME? There was EXTREME BIKING! Or you could go EXTREME SKATEBOARDING! And after you could go our for some EXTREME NACHOS!

When they started advertising EXTREME YOGURT I wanted to go to Madison Avenue and give them all an EXTREME SWIRLY.*



*this would involve a well-used and unflushed toilet, which I would be glad to supply as a reaction to their EXTREME marketing.
( Wanderer, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 17:17, 4 replies)

funbeleivabubble
i've chewed gum in my time, i quite like it. i'm not averse to blowing the odd bubble, either. however, i don't care what hubba bubba say, THERE IS NO SUCH FUCKING WORD AS FUNBELEIVABUBBLE!
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 17:17, 2 replies)

Impact
especially when used as a verb.
I think you meant "affect", you chinless corporate toss-spout.

I got especially upset at an HR manager who opined that our "brand message" needed to be "more impactful". I mean, really, WTF?

I have no problem with its use when describing an object smacking into something, though. Like my palm across the back of an HR manager's head, to pick an example at random.
( wynoh kills threads by his mere presence, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 17:13, 1 reply)

Homer-isms.
Homer Simpson is, by all estimation, a complete idiot, a buffoon, a figure of ridicule. He is not someone that people would normally wish to model their lives on.

So why is it that people often call it "alcomahol"? Why do they use the term "saxomaphone"? For fuck's sake, I once heard an engineer refer to the breaking strength of a sample in "kilomajoules."

Are you people really trying to convince me that you're morons? Because it's working better than you know.
( Wanderer, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 17:09, 3 replies)