My new Man
My new Man has introduced a reward system with my three children to try and get them more enthusiastic about helping around the house.

There is great expectation when the day for totting up the points comes and they all sit around expectantly, hoping for lots of lovely stuff.

He keeps the suspense going as long as possible and that means the sweets given as a reward rarely last as long as the ceremony...


...and neither do mine!
.
(whiskas loved by 8 out of 10 cats, Thu 24 Sep 2009, 10:52, Reply)

Working late in the office, I attached a co-workers Winnie the Pooh toy
to a balloon, and let it float up to the ceiling (I seem to remember one of the stories involved Pooh floating away with a balloon, so thought she might appreciate it).

Came to work the next day and was taken aside by the boss and told that I was to put a stop to this sort of behaviour, as it constituted bullying. Bah.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Thu 24 Sep 2009, 10:31, 3 replies)

Cried like a baby for the last 24 hours cos my g/f left me?
Oh yeah, apologies for lack of funnies.
(Galahad is out of his gourd on yellow bentines, Thu 24 Sep 2009, 9:49, 9 replies)

Radio 4 was on in the car earlier,
and I wasn't really paying attention, but they were talking about some Anglo-Saxon artifacts and then someone mentioned "Sutton Hoo", which made me laugh like a loon. Which is very similar to what Hubert Cumberdale tastes like.

www.fat-pie.com/salad2.htm
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Thu 24 Sep 2009, 9:38, 4 replies)

Recently
whilst having a poo break at work, I unravelled the loo roll, wrote "Help, I'm trapped in a toilet roll factory" upon said roll, wound it all back up again and placed it back on the holder.

Not very original, but very childish.
(Cylon Bum Raider already knows how this will end, Thu 24 Sep 2009, 9:33, Reply)

Click if you too, giggle like a loon at this guys name...

(xerophytic has no idea, Thu 24 Sep 2009, 9:14, 1 reply)

Childish or not? You decide
Three years ago, I disappeared. Completly, and I hope without trace. I didn't fake my death in any way, but I quit my job, moved house, changed my name, car, phone number - everything possible so I couldn't be found.

I haven't seen any of my family, my old school friends, people I used to work with or anyone else in more than three years now. Nor, in the circumstance of my leaving, do I want to. My reason for leaving was due to a lifestyle choice I made, to me a very minor one, but to others it was a huge thing - I have two boyfriends (bring on the trolls!). My family rejected them, I got laughed at at work and all in all wasn't really very nice. So I just left it all behind and started afresh. Childish or not to do that? (Yes, I'm looking for validation. On the INTERNET)
(stimpy, Thu 24 Sep 2009, 8:50, 12 replies)

Actually, I'm not the only childish one at work
Guys in the workshop did this:


( snee held his breath since, Thu 24 Sep 2009, 8:45, 1 reply)

This may be a bit to geek-childish for some of you.
Read at own peril.

The old office had a bit of a history for pranks. I had seen my fair share of the receiving end, from VP level down to the new intakes. I dont recall what happened, but my VP had stitched me up, rather publicly, like a kipper.

I needed revenge.

I put into motion my childish plan. I sent an email to him late one friday night, which basically explained how he had fucked up, and thank you very much, but he was fired. As soon as I sent it, I logged into the mail server and changed the email headers, before he picked it up, so it appeared like our HR President had sent it instead of me (techs among you; I edited the IMAP file before he checked email).

On his copy of the email, I threw the corporate Board and CEO onto the CC list, as well as edited the sending IP to be the address of our HR Pres's desktop. This gave it some clout on the believability scale when he read it.

I included such gems as "your lack of productivity and mental cohesion with regard to the XYZ project is astounding" "Staff morale has declined since you took over".. "the board are unanimous.. " "outbound email has been terminated, please return all corporate equipment immediately..." "We do not believe a severance package is necessary at this time" (or similar brown trousers time words to that effect).

My moment of choice to strike? During a UK bank holiday weekend. I proceeded to terminate his SMTP email (that's outbound email for you non techs) from his username. Of course, by tuesday he knew the email wasnt real, but the damage was done and he had one sweaty weekend of not being able to get in contact with higher up people (off doing their usual ski/la-de-da/posh stuff).

I near forgot all about it till the Tuesday morning. Shit hit the fan in the office. Some fresh eared grad lad nearly lost his career, till i dragged the boss out and told him it was me, over a calming pint. He went bright red and had the same look in his eye ive seen my dad give me once, that time he was wanting to beat seven shades of shit out of me. At this point, im wondering, have i done something a bit beyond a prank here? Turns out the answer is no. He just got up, left the pub and when i came back to work, it was if nothing had happened.

He didn't prank me ever again.
(shamen Geekius Maximus, Thu 24 Sep 2009, 6:34, Reply)

Protein injection
I'm a horny 60 year old goat! My wife is a 54 year old ice-berg whom I haven't had sex with for 5 years or more. My sex life is a solo act with a little help from the help of the web. After a day of heavy bitching and belittling, I find myself at one of my favorite websites doing my favorite form of stress relief! So I use her coffee cup to catch the protein spill. I smile the next morning as I watch her sip her coffee, sugar with extra cream!
(Sniffels323, Thu 24 Sep 2009, 6:33, 3 replies)

At some gig
Me and a couple of mates were watching a band when we happened to notice this girl we knew who was with her boyfriend who is one of the biggest pricks i've ever met he's in some shit screamo band dresses a cross between an emo and a pikey, very possesive of his g/f who he's been way out of order to in the past. Once me and him almost came to blows after i had words with him about upsetting her.
Anyway we saw him walking away from us at the end of the set so three of us ran and pulled his trackies down. Then we giggled like 10 year-olds for about.. three hours, even our mate, his girlfriend thought it was funny.. infact pretty much the whole venue who witnessed it thought it was too
that is all
(Bludfoot rushing out since, Thu 24 Sep 2009, 4:51, 2 replies)

Bindun?
Watching the latest season of Family Guy
(ElGranto, Thu 24 Sep 2009, 4:30, 1 reply)

The ex-missus
She broke up with me just past midnight, she slept on the sofa. 2 years down the pan. She wasn't sorry at all. She was going home the next day. She'd packed.

So i did what any self-respecting Scot would do and took a 1.5l bottle of Irn Bru, shook it for 2 minutes, then opened her suitcase.

Put it down in amongst her whites and clothes for the rest of her European trip and twisted the cap off.

...

And left it overnight.

Knowing that for the rest of her trip she'd be wearing clothes that would be stained orange for the rest of forever made me smile a little bit.
(Schumann makes awesome quiches., Thu 24 Sep 2009, 2:24, 1 reply)

i still giggle like a loon
every time the news is on and they mention Dick Spring.
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Thu 24 Sep 2009, 1:44, 1 reply)

I blame b3ta for these.
Whenever someone mentions they play the piano I always retort with "Oh, I take it you're a bit of a pianist then?" and then giggle.

ok, This one is mainly the b3ta-influenced one.
Recently I've moved into a house with 2 deaf people and someone doing deaf studies at the university. Whenever I see them signing I cannot help but think of charades.

Twice i've had to walk out the room in near hysterics!! Damn Newsletter headline.
( Jinxy13 is hating the S key, right about now., Thu 24 Sep 2009, 1:15, Reply)

I like to bounce
vigorously up and down when going over speedbumps, and if there are other people in the car I make them do it too. It's funny to see the expressions of the oncoming motorists as they quickly wonder just how suspension-breakingly pointy those bumps are.

Also, I find it funny to throw my arms in the air when going over humptyback bridges as if on a rollercoaster. Again, it's better with a car full of people to get the full effect. Screaming is optional. (The credit for this goes to my mate Friday (she knows who she is) and if you're out there hon, I miss you).
( warmfuzzies Isn't here, Thu 24 Sep 2009, 0:32, 2 replies)

Another lego story... now with added kitten
Like a lot of people on here I suddenly realised I was allegedly grown up and could afford to buy the latest version of the lego toy I always wanted.

In my case this was the lego mindstorms robot which is far more impressive than anything they had when I was a kid. For example they have ultrasonic ranging and can be programmed to communicate with each other over bluetooth.

A couple of weeks later I was around a mate's place and noticed he had the same kit. As well as 2 cats and a maine coon kitten.

It's now our mission to put a laser pointer on top, program them to dance around each other in circles and turn them into the ultimate toys for the cats to chase round the room.

Silly... yes, pointless... yes, hours of fun... possibly
( ElParrot, Thu 24 Sep 2009, 0:12, 2 replies)

In the Supermarket:
Place the following on the checkout (in more-or-less this order)
1x bottle Champagne
1x bottle nice white wine
1x flowers
1x posh chocolates
1x pack of candles
various ingerdients for a romantic meal
1x 12 pack of durex
1x KY jelly
1x the biggest, vaguely phallic shaped item of fruit or veg you can lay your hands on
Then watch the cashier's face as they realise what you may have planned for the evening.

*Bonus points for staging a fake phone call as they scan your items, along the lines of "what do you mean you can't make it tonight?!? but....ive just bought all the.... oh never mind"

*Double Bonus points for then asking the cashier if they're free tonight
(Bromley Daz, Wed 23 Sep 2009, 23:19, 9 replies)

A late one -working for the Prison Service HQ...
I was a contractor there. Awful place. No idea why they hired me, I certainly wasnt doing anything useful nor was it busy.

Anyway, before I set my out-of-Office to a very childish "radio_shak isn't working here, wishes he hadnt worked here. Feel free to e-mail someone in the team who equally has no desire to work here. Maybe you can do them a favour and persuade them to leave.:

Boss didnt find out for months apparently, not very happy either.
(radio_shak has questions, got answers, on, Wed 23 Sep 2009, 23:14, Reply)

Not sure how childish this is, but ....
at work yesterday I flipped forward a few pages on our security book for visitors to use and wrote "I've been expecting you", unfortunately the odds of me being there when the page is used is low :(
(Laxly, Wed 23 Sep 2009, 21:46, 1 reply)

In which Chickenlady tries not to laugh at rude words
This is a repost from /Off topic and happened to me a few weeks back....

Driving back from working one morning - had to take son #2 with me as he's got a sore throat and croaky voice and therefore can't irritate his teacher, instead he has to irritate me.
Hmm...

Anyway, also had my parents in the car - dental appointment, blah, blah, blah.

So, my darling eleven year old son blurts out, "Mum, what's a dido? Everyone at school says, You dido!"

Phew, I think, narrowly escaped that one...

"Darling, it's Dido and it's a name - she's a singer and there was also a woman in mythology called Dido married to a man called Aeneas - I'll find the story for you somewhere."

Oh, how middle class!

"No Mum, I got it wrong. What's a DILDO?"



................


My dad had (mercifully) nodded off in the warmth of the car.

My mother had to have the term 'blow job' explained to her some years ago so she sat silent.

I replied, "I don't know"

Well, what would you have said in front of your parents?

I then turned a rather felching fetching shade of scarlet as I attempted to stop laughing.

"You do know! You do! Mum! What's a dildo?!"

"....."

"Mum!"

"....."

"Mum! What's a dildo?!"

"Erm...what would you like for lunch?"

"A dildo please Mum. Dildo, dildo, dildo"
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Wed 23 Sep 2009, 21:45, 1 reply)

Forts
I still build forts... im 21
(applysomepressure, Wed 23 Sep 2009, 21:19, 1 reply)

the door
another post about my dad.

whenever he's going into the bathroom and someone is in the kitchen, he'll open the door and hide behind it
so you can only see his head and one of his arms.

he then screams and pretends to struggle while using his other hand to pull his head behind the door.
making it look like he's being strangled or attacked.

my younger sister was absolutely terrified of our bathroom because of this.
.
(stitched, Wed 23 Sep 2009, 20:48, Reply)

Tory MP/Michael Hutchence/etc.
One of the girls at work left a couple of teddy bears on their desk while I was in at the weekend. I strategically repositioned them....




and




By the time she found out it was me, her temper had calmed somewhat
( social hand grenade I was a lurker before you were a lurker, Wed 23 Sep 2009, 20:07, 5 replies)

Not me but my friend
In college I lived in a hippie type co-op but several really fun engineering majors lived there too. One of them built a firing platform for bottle rackets out of household scraps where you could fix the trajectory of the rocket. He was so good at calculating angles on the fly he sent it through the next door neighbors sliding glass doors about 6 inches apart!

Repeatedly. hee hee hee
He works for the FAA now. (Federal Aviation Adminitration)
(TDub Nunc id vides, nunc ne vides on, Wed 23 Sep 2009, 18:01, 1 reply)

Just remembered another childish moment.
Couple of winters ago. A group of us were walking from one mate's house to mine, and all the car windscreens were covered in frost and ice... Every one of them ended up with the word BUM written across it. I didn't miss a single car on the whole journey.
(NoStrings Tastes like zombies!!, Wed 23 Sep 2009, 17:55, 1 reply)

Whenever I see this road sign...


...and I have a young lady in the car, I point and shout at the top of my voice. "LOOK OUT!! BRAS!!"

Could be the reason why they keep dumping me...
(SonoraAeroClub "OH SWEET HELEN OF BALLS!", Wed 23 Sep 2009, 17:15, 3 replies)

A chap I used to work with
On site, most of the spare time is taken up with childish pranks and jibes involving mothers, girlfriends and the like. All good fun.

One particular day we had a lady with us cleaning up after us clumsy louts. She thought it would be jolly funny to get in on the act, by putting some wet cement in one chaps hat. T'was indeed very funny, and we all laughed.

We all laughed a bit more at his revenge though.

For ruining his nice hat, he had rummaged through one of the skips full of old shite left in various flats and found a something we had all had a good chuckle about earlier.

He duct taped it to her rear bumper, without telling anyone, and told us to watch as she drove away, all whilst barely containing himself.

Once we had seen it, we knew why, and we knew why she was extremely pissed with him the next day.

You see, after leaving work, she had gone to her nephews nice, Catholic school to pick him up and had it kindly pointed out to her that there was an offending item on her car.

yep, she had been driving round town, and pulled up to a school, with a bright pink, 8 inch used dildo attached to her car. Which she then had to remove after another mother pointed out that it was probably not really appropriate to be sitting outside a school with a luminous sex toy on your car...
(Scrumpy does not negotiate with terrorists,, Wed 23 Sep 2009, 16:55, Reply)