Napoli scumbags
My new bride and I where walking through Napoli, when a local stopped me and showed me a rather fine Sony Cybershot camera. He gave me the spiel about working in the docks, and wanted to offload said Japanese goods. 180 euros and it was mine...

Greedily I took him up on the offer. He packaged the camera and all the doings into a little bag, and produced a poly bag to wrap it in.

I parted with cash and we went to a local restaurant to check out the purchase. Imagine our surprise when we found we had spent all that brass on a kilo of salt. How he did the switch I do not know....

We were sick to our stomach and vowed that we would never tell of our foolishness.

We had the last laugh though... the following day, our son bust his lip and she used the salt to get blood stain out of a 7 pound tshirt!
( Piper Alpha is being a grumpy northerm bastard on:, Thu 18 Oct 2007, 15:06, Reply)

I was once badly conned, and what a miserable occasion it was.
One Friday night last year, I tuned in to Channel 4 and watched an entire half-hour episode of a then-new 'comedy' called Blunder.

After it was over, I felt as if the producers had broken into my house, pinned me to the sofa and shat in my mouth for half an hour :(
( The Mock TurtIe ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Thu 18 Oct 2007, 15:06, 2 replies)

Attempted con
Please, people, if you're going to pretend to be your mother/son/ex-wife when you call a utility company or the public service, at least have the decency to be convincing. I frequently get callers saying "my daugh- er, I sent the bill last month", I get men who are clearly in their 60s pretending to be 20 year olds (terribly unconvincing unless there's been a recent upswing in the use of terms like "cobber" and "fillum" amongst the cool kids), and the best one was the Indian chick who failed the security check when she said "I... don't know my birthday".
(Emily Bruce-Dickinson http://jovialfellow.blogspot.com/, Thu 18 Oct 2007, 14:59, Reply)

Car Boot Sales
Are a total fucking con.

Been to loads and I've never, not even once, found a car boot for sale.

Twats.

Cheers
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Thu 18 Oct 2007, 14:59, 5 replies)

Money makes the world go round...
1) I ripped a pub I worked for off for about £2k over 4 months, by charging punters for splashes, but pocketing the money myself and then once a month replacing the packets of syrup in the cellar.

2) AOL were taking money from me for someones elses internet account, so I took them to court. They settled for all my money back x2, and a years free broadband with no limits. Thing is, they never took my bank account number, so for 4 years I had free AOL.

3) I lived in Oxford, but never paid a gas or electricity bill for about 18 months. 3 years later, I hung-overly rang up British Gas so i can get put on my wifes account so I could pay the bill.

"hello, British gas"
"Hi can you put me on my wifes bill?"
"Yes thats done. We see that there was a "gjb006" living in Oxford that didn't pay his bill?"
"no thats my brother".
"Can you give us his name?"
"No, I don't know it."
"Ok, it was worth a try. Thank you."
(gjb006, Thu 18 Oct 2007, 14:47, Reply)

Close but no cigar
I answered the phone once in our shared flat:
‘Hello’
‘Is Sam in?’
‘No, can I take a message?’
And the caller said yes please – it was about the script Sam had sent the BBC – this was the Assistant to the Head of Radio Comedy – could I tell Sam that they were very interested in commissioning a series of six – would Sam be able to come to London (we lived in Newcastle) tomorrow? – and so on.
Literally as I was putting the phone down a seventh sense I didn’t yet know I had cried ‘SUCKER!’ and I realised it was a wind-up. I also realised, crucially, that the caller had absolutely no idea that I had done anything other than fall hook line and sinker for it.
Later that evening Sam and a suspicious number of friends turn up. The kettle is boiled and the majority of those present are skinning up. I can sense that everyone there is waiting for the con to develop when Sam casually asks if there have been any messages for him…
‘No, mate’ And everyone there present knew nobody could say a thing!

Length? Could be worse.
(Crocodile, Thu 18 Oct 2007, 14:45, 3 replies)

During my school years...
...some of my friends hit on the idea of crashing weddings (this was pre-film). They regaled me with their tales of the week before, and so I dutifully showed up at the local posh hotel the following week in appropriate shirt and tie.

The ease in which we successfully managed to integrate ourselves into the proceedings was staggering. We literally walked straight into the hotel, and into the reception/disco which was in full swing, and started to amble around and pick at food.

All was going well, until we started to notice a few people looking at us a bit funny, so we gathered ourselves, and moved towards the lift to head back to a bar, satisfied with our complimentary vol-au-vents and sausage rolls. To our horror, as the lift doors began to close, an arm shot into them and stopped the lift and a bloke got in, and demanded to know where we were going.

My friend is quite fast on his feet, and blurted out "We're friends with x, and he invited us as he didn't know many people. We were supposed to meet him here but he didn't show and now we feel out of place so we're going to the pub". Much to our amazement the bloke simply laughed, and stuck out his hand. "No worries lads, my names Tony and I’m the best man. Feel free to stay, and if anyone asks you who you are, say your my mates".

So we re-entered the hall and began chatting to other guests, and having a few drinks. The best part was towards the end when we all started dancing at the front, and a small crowd moved around us and watched. At the end of the song, the bride came up to us and congratulated us on the dancing, and casually said she didn't know who we were.

"Oh! We're Tony's friends!" came the answer, to which she replied "Oh I'm sorry! I thought you were just randoms!".

Brilliant.

I happen to know my mates on that night sometimes frequent these boards, so A) Sorry if I stole your story before you, and B) Cheers for a great night!
(Horgy, Thu 18 Oct 2007, 14:36, Reply)

12' o clock....
...Every friday i wait for the newsletter, just to make my dreary day at wor ka bit better.

When does it come?

normally 2 to 3 minutes after ive started to walk home.
(rossydizzle, Thu 18 Oct 2007, 14:34, 2 replies)

I made nearly a hundred quid
selling Ebay's helpline number on Ebay (for £1 a pop) before they shut me down, t'was ace.
( hypnochimp, Thu 18 Oct 2007, 14:34, 3 replies)

Spanish Steps - Rome.
It was coming to the end of a long day of sight seeing around Rome and I was tired and had had a few beers. The missus and I are making our way down the spanish steps when two likely Italian rogues start shouting 'Hey Eeeeengleeshh' 'David Beckham' and make their way over to us. Fuck knows why and how but the next thing I know I'm wearing a friendship bracelet and having to pay a fiver for the fucking priviledge. Usually I'd have kicked off but a combination of tiredness and a foreign country made me pay up and shake their hands as I walk on.

To this day I have no idea why I really fell for this and it all happened so quickly I can barely remember it.

The missus makes me carry the friendship bracelet around in my pocket when we go away to remind me not to be so fucking stupid in future. :)
( Evil Bastardo, Thu 18 Oct 2007, 14:33, Reply)

All you have to do
is give me your bank details, and I'll give you a garunteed QOTW best page answer.

Honest.
(Adamish Time of death, Thu 18 Oct 2007, 14:23, Reply)

Had
Way back in the mists of time when I still thought AOL was the internet...

I made friends with a woman in one of AOL's chat rooms. We got on really well and although things got a bit flirty there was never really anything sexual: she was married and I wasn't planning on coming between her and her husband. We met a few times and then she seduced me. Well I say seduced... she said "my husband has just told me he slept with someone else five years ago and he doesn't understand why I am upset: let's have sex" and I said "erm ... ok".

A few weeks later I was just about to shut down my PC when I get an IM from a girl I have never seen before saying "hi, I liked you profile, do you want to chat?" Being a polite sort of person I said ok and we chatted for a while. She was flirty but I wasn't really as she had told me she was 18 and I wasn't really interested in someone who was only a few years older than my kids.

Over the next few day this girl wouldn't leave me alone. Everytime I logged on she would appear and I, being a little bewildered, would chat to her giving fairly noncommital answers to everything.

To be honest I was flattered that this pretty young thing would be interested in me (and yes, she said she was bisexual and that distracted me from rational thought) so I probably ignored the warning signs. Like when she sent me "naughty" photos of herself which, while similar looking girls, were obviously different people.
Her: Yeah, they were taken a few years apart
Me: Jesus, that means you must have been underage in some of them
Her: My mum and dad are really liberal

Then she started asking questions:
Her: Have you ever slept with a married woman?
Me: Yes, my ex wife
Her: No, I mean someone else's wife. I find it a real turn on.
Me: Yes, but it was nothing special
Her: I have a thing about red headed women, have you been with one?
Me: Yes, it was all a bit crap really
Her: Tell me about it
Me: I don't kiss and tell
Her: If you want I could come round and you could reenact it
Me: Thanks but you are a bit young.

Now I sound like I was the model of restraint but truth be told I did give her more information than I would liked her to have had and, in the face of her advances and I was less cautious than I would like to have been. Eventually she asked if I wanted to see another picture of her. As she sent it she said she was on the right.
So the photo slowly downloads and there on the left is the woman I shagged a few weeks ago. And on the right is this very burly man who is very obviously her husband.

I got a phone call that night from the woman "so, I am a crap lay am I? I was nothing special?"
She had got home from work and been presented with the edited highlights of a week of chat.

I was left feeling more foolish than I have ever felt. The only consolation is that I never gave out my address.
(bald old git was bemused and befuddled on, Thu 18 Oct 2007, 14:21, 3 replies)

SMS
Posted on this subject before.

Basically, I used to own/run an SMS start-up company (no, it didn't make any money) and found that I could spoof SMS numbers. Actually, I could put whatever I liked in the FROM field and it would appear on the recipients phone. (GOD, O2ADMIN, YOUR-MUM etc...)

But the fun part was if I put in an actual mobile phone number that I knew my victim would have in his address book. So, If I knew that the number I was spoofing was in my marks address list, then all sorts of confusion and mayhem could be had.

So one night I got a forwarded joke from my mate K. And in the "forward" was the number of one of his mates who I didn't know from Adam. Armed with this, and several pints of wife-beater on-board, I composed the following text which I then sent to K, but which was spoofed to come from his mate:

"K. I don't know how to tell you this but I love you and really, REALLY, want to take you up the arse"

And pressed send. And then went unconscious.

Next day, thought nothing about this until I met K who was looking a little perturbed. We had a few beers and then I told him what I'd done last night. He looked at me and said:

"You bastard. You do know that he's gay?"

And I got the giggles.

Turned out that K had spent the majority of the night, texting to his gay mate that he was flattered but that he loved his GF and wasn't remotely interested in bum love with him. His mate was then texting K back saying:

"WTF you on about - I wouldn't touch you with Tony Blair’s onna stick"

Confusion reigned. I'm good at that.

Cheers
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Thu 18 Oct 2007, 14:17, 4 replies)

Re: Photocopying



Back in the early 1980's, before holograms and the rest, a mate of mine used to make fakes of concert tickets. Where he worked had a scanner and a (then) state-of-the-art colour printer for surveyors contour maps and the like. He found that he could make copies of tickets that would pass inspection in a dimly lit doorway. He definitely got into several gigs using this method as he used my ticket on a couple of occasions. My only stipulation was that myself and my legit ticket went in a few minutes before he chanced his arm. He never had any hassle at all.
(Fanta Menace Is tall enough to see over the fence, Thu 18 Oct 2007, 14:13, Reply)

New passport scanning system
I went to Paris on a coach trip for the weekend with my mum instead of having an "official family" 18th birthday party.

After getting the coach at about 5am, we arrived at Dover at some god-awful time. I was half asleep and groggy, and the driver announced we had just arrived at passport control.

"There's a new system!" he proclaimed. All the old grannies made excited noises and began to giggle and chatter slightly, as they do.
"You have to open your passports to the page with the photo on, and hold them up against the window!"

Unfortunately, yes, I fell for it. I STILL blame it on lack of sleep. I have no idea why I actually did it to this day.

Apparently it gets them every time.
(Marmite Omelette ...but I feel better having screamed, don't you?, Thu 18 Oct 2007, 14:11, Reply)

A long long time ago
... when I was a mere 11 years old or so, I went to a local car-boot sale, and my mum gave me a quid to spend.

With the words "there are some things worth much more than that pound on sale here" echoing in my ears, I saw a kid watching his mum's stall.. he didn't look bright..

"I'll buy that bit of paper off you for a pound"
"Um, ok"
"Thanks" *exchanges pound for the Tenner*

I didn't use any mind techniques.... I just picked on a daft looking kid.. and now, nearly 20 years on I still feel like a heel.

My brother and I dined on cola bottles that afternoon... =)
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Thu 18 Oct 2007, 14:10, Reply)

this one time,
i called my girlfriend's aunt and said i was from the australian bureau of investigations, and told her *Mr. Johnson's real name* was wanted because of his involvement in sheep-related crimes in Australia. she fell for it, and called my missus in panic a bit afterwards. and as it turns out, she is usually the one who tricks people in that sort of stuff. +1 me.

i know it's not conning, but meh.
( Mr. Johnson, Thu 18 Oct 2007, 14:10, Reply)

I was tricked!
I once read a story on a popular website, by a mystery man, known only as Cheers. Or maybe his name was Legless? Who knows.

Anyway, the story had everything. A beginning, middle AND end. I laughed, I cried, I retched, and was satisfied with the hilarity of the story, and the Godlike status of the man who wrote it. I couldn't decide whether I wanted to be him, or simply to bask in his gentle goodness.

Imagine my shock when I retold this story in the pub, when one of my friends told me he'd heard it before, and that it was an urban myth! He then proceded to go to his flat (which was just above the pub) and get a book called "The Best Urban Myths... Ever!", and pointed out how much of a gullible fool I was.

ACH!

Some of this is true...
(Rotten_Cointreau is a proper scientician, Thu 18 Oct 2007, 14:09, 18 replies)

I was conned into spending 50 quid to watch Tv :(
I was conned into spending 50 quid to watch Tv :(

I spent 4/5 hours of my precious life watching the worst entertainment ever to grace TV. Piss poor Z list celebrities singing, dancing, acting out movie skits with poor jokes and predictable punching lines that 5 year old kiddie-mongs wouldn’t laugh at.

Even worse, there are adverts every 10/15 minutes, guilt tripping you to spend money on crap no one cares about.

Even more annoying than poor entertainment and adverts every 15 mins. Is the poor cheesy cliché underlying message “we can change the world for the better, if we all help”. To say its cheesy and annoying is like saying, “Captain planet is slightly concerned about global warming”.

I wasn’t entertainment and I don’t feel good. I want my bloody money back!!!!

Cunting, Children in Need. grrrrrr
(Poo_Pipe_Pirate, Thu 18 Oct 2007, 14:09, 1 reply)

All the time.....
I was promised a job repleat with the delights of money, travel and of course buxom wenchly assistants.

I now work in a small room with accountants.

So I con them back, they pay me to have a wank. Every day. Normally about 10:30 in trap 2 if anyones interested in havin a look (that may have been more appropriate for last weeks QOTW, sorry if you feel a bit conned).

In fact apologies all round.

Ahem.
(TAZ220 Not giving a toss since, Thu 18 Oct 2007, 14:09, Reply)

Once while living in America...
with my uncle and his family, I conned his butler into believing that he had won the Lottery. I did this by taping the results from the week before, and getting my cousin Cartlon to replace his Lottery ticket with one that had corresponding numbers. Oh the hilarity that ensued as he thought he had won.
( Furness, Thu 18 Oct 2007, 14:09, Reply)

Con'd.

(Alexxx It wasn't me, Thu 18 Oct 2007, 14:05, Reply)

Can I interest anybody...
...in a timeshare apartment?
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Thu 18 Oct 2007, 14:04, 3 replies)

Ah, the cheeky Dublin dope-dealer scam...
... ten years ago, almost to the day, I was made redundant from a firm and having completely wrecked my head and my relationship by hoovering up as much of the Bolivian marching powder as I could get my hands on for two years, I decided to escape the madness and head to Ireland with my redundancy money, instead of blowing it all on snow.

So after a month or so of drifting around on a diet of Guinness I'd pretty much cleared my head of all traces of illicit substances and replaced it with alcohol.
An achievement, I thought.

To celebrate, I set about looking for some hashish.

A walk through Temple Bar, laden down with a 30 kilo backpack, ended up with an encounter with the unlikeliest drug dealer in Dublin - a kid no older than 12 offering me a 1/4 of an ounce of pollem. Get in, thinks I.

So after some token haggling, he offered to let me have a sniff of it, pulled out a sizeable lump of blow from his jeans and burned a bit. To my satisfaction it was just the ticket.

He said he could get more, and I was after at least an ounce, so he took my 30 Irish pounds (this was pre-Euro), pressed the lump in my hands and went off to fetch a pen and paper with which to write down his number should I require more.

He seemed to be in a bit of a hurry, but any street hustler will work with haste, especially one so young.

After a couple of minutes I realised he wasn't coming back, and my heavy backpack meant chasing him around the myriad of alleyways was going to be a futile prospect.

So I headed into the nearest pub toilet armed with fresh Rizla and excitedly unwrapped the contraband.

To my astonishment, through some sleight of hand that I have never managed to work out, he had replaced the tasty lump of numb-numb I had sniffed earlier with an exquisitely carved, sanded down and even brown felt-tip coloured lump of plywood.

I was crestfallen, and solemnly chucked it out of the window.

But I had to hand it to the kid. He earned that money, not just for his clever trick of substitution but also the effort he put in to turning a redundant scrap of plywood into a most convincingly crafted fake lump of dope, especially when dressed in the obligatory clingfilm.

I even managed a smile.
(randomkaraoke is seeking mong-wobble-gif mongering on, Thu 18 Oct 2007, 14:02, 1 reply)

Eurgh.
Yeah, it went something like.
"You're cute, buy me a drink."
"Sure."
"Thanks. Ooh, there's my boyfriend."

Then I went in the toilet and carved up some frail old man with the toilet seat.
(Alexxx It wasn't me, Thu 18 Oct 2007, 14:02, Reply)

yes
I asked a load of strangers for their worst jokes, then I printed a book with the best ones and made lots of money!

Muhuahahahaha
(Lannes, Thu 18 Oct 2007, 13:58, 1 reply)

Vote for me
I got loads of people to vote for me because I told them I would serve a full term of office and let them have a referendum on the EU constitiution.
(Alf N. Safety - refusing you planning permission on, Thu 18 Oct 2007, 13:57, 1 reply)