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( broadsword now that's fresh, Sat 30 Jun 2012, 10:32, 1 reply)

Well, it seems everyone is posting their chilli recipes, so for what it's worth...
Grow some habaneros. As your plants start to fruit start to verbally abuse them for at least an hour a day, but the longer the better. You need to get some really good jibes in here; you lot should be particularly good at this. Harvest your chillies and part dry them, set to one side.

Grind twenty venison necks, five flanks and a rump, then brown all the meat in a large pot. Add two gallons of fresh pig's blood, the chillies (to taste), and a teaspoon of gun powder. Simmer on a very low heat for twelve hours. Serve.
( The Awful Puppy Bakery is still bored, Sat 30 Jun 2012, 9:41, Reply)

Hoummus
Chickpeas - get em dry, soak them overnight and then rub them vigorously *snarf* to remove the outer skins. Discard water & skins.
Tahini - unless you're going to wizz up your own sesame seeds get a good expensive jar.
Roughly 1 part tahini to 8 parts chickpeas in the wizzer-upper thingy. Add fresh lemon juice and garlic (raw works but roasted is better) until it tastes good. A bit of raw chilli (with seeds you fucking wusses) and parsley doesn't go astray either.
Roast some pitta in the oven for a few min. till they're crisp. Bash with mallet to produce "Handmade Rustic Style Crisps".

Eat the fuck out of that bad boy like it ain't no thang!

A bam from an organically, hand-reared, free-trade spice weasel is optional.
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Sat 30 Jun 2012, 6:52, 3 replies)

Smoked haddock
Simmered in milk.

Eaten wi' bread and butter, to mop up the milk.
(El Fandango carved a big EF onto his nemesis' doublet on .., Sat 30 Jun 2012, 1:16, Reply)

Sesame oil makes almost anything taste good.
its good on salad, over noodles with soy sauce, in curry recipes and Iv taken to replacing butter/marge with oil. Its something I picked up from living with Spaniards. Instead of having toast and margarine in the morning they had ciabatta or french stick in half toasted and drizzled with olive/sesame oil.
(shezam slouching towards nirvana., Sat 30 Jun 2012, 1:09, Reply)

Real baked beans
The basic quantity is one kilo of dried haricot, butter or adzuki beans.

Soak overnight and then boil for 10 minutes.

In your big poncy Le Creuset casserole fry a packet of cooking bacon cut into chunks. Add the beans, 2 tablespoons of black treacle, a tablespoon of smoked paprika, a teaspoon of chili, two tins of chopped tomatoes, Worcester sauce and the juice of a lemon. Top up with red wine to cover and boil up. Into the oven at 110 °C for 4 hours. Stir at the halfway mark, check seasoning and top up with fluid if it's drying.

If the beans are soft it's done. Add a bit more treacle, paprika and Worcester and give it another 30 minutes: it should be pretty thick and goopy. If not, uncover and boil off the wet.

Other stuff to add includes bay leaf, chili, oregano, spring onion garlic, whatever will add to the pungency of your farts.

Make no mistake, this stuff can strip wallpaper, bubble paint and make you in-laws depart in a huff.
(all my scars face forward possesses 2.5% of a hyperalloy combat chassis, Fri 29 Jun 2012, 22:50, 6 replies)

cruel food trickery
Any spongy type cup cake recipe, replace the flour component with polyfilla and baking powder and cook in exactly the same way as if you had not done so.

It will look perfect right up to the moment of almost breaking the victim's teeth/fillings
(unclestinky, Fri 29 Jun 2012, 21:46, Reply)

toast.... with marmite and honey...
its lush honestly...
(captain_bhoy Crocodiles have a heart rate of about 1 bpm at 10c, Fri 29 Jun 2012, 21:43, 2 replies)

scotch egss
i'd made some scotch eggs at school when i was eleven. turns out they were pretty good, so my mum thought it'd be nice if i made some at home the following week.

as you'll all probably know, scotch eggs are pretty straight forward and easy to make. boil eggs, cover in sausage meat and cover in breadcrumbs and serve.

..which explained the look of revulsion on my parent's faces after they took hearty mouthfulls, as it quickly dawned on them that i'd forgotten to cook the eggs again after covering them in sausage meat.
( real i'm not happy 'til you're not happy, Fri 29 Jun 2012, 21:41, Reply)

Fish and cheese? Alright then.
This is dead simple and also fucking lovely if you happen to like fish and cheese.

The fish: red snapper, sea bream or sea bass tend to work best. The original recipe stipulates a whole fish, complete with head and scales and fins, but you can do it with fillets as well if you don't want the frankly irritating clart of picking bones out.

The cheese: a fuck ton of brie, de-rinded and chopped into rough cubes.

The other shit: butter, chopped watercress and spring onions.

The science bit: melt the butter in a pan (preferably a frying pan, and even more preferably a fucking big one.) Don't ask me how much; it all depends on how much you're cooking, innit? If you're cooking for four people a general rule of thumb is a geet massive chunk; for two people, a bit less. Once the butter is melted (stick it on a low heat then you've got time for a fag, and maybe a dangerwank), bung in the watercress and about two thirds of the spring onions and fry until they've gone soft. Or until you've gone soft after your dangerwank (if you're a bloke; if you're a lass, when you've dried up and stopped thinking about Edward fucking Cullen and his sparkly nipples. You filthy bitches).

The science bit (part two): see all of that brie you've chopped up? Take the frying pan off the heat and hoy it all in, in a manly fashion. Or a girly fashion if you're a girl, or a great big mincer. Or, a manly fashion if you're a stereotypical brogue-wearing lesbo. This is an equal opportunities recipe (unless you're a proper vegetarian, in which case, why are you reading this?) Stir the lot in together until the brie is melted in with the other shit. That's what the book says; however, I've found I usually have to keep the ring burning on a low heat to make any headway whatsoever. Maybe I've got shit, non-heat retaining pans.

Once all that gunk has melted, whack your fish into a baking tray and spoon (arf) the mixture into either (a) the cavity if you're doing the whole fish thing, or, (b) onto one fillet before putting the other fillet on top in a sandwich type fashion. Any of the mixture that's left, pour over the top of the fish and bake it in the oven for about 30 minutes on 180 degrees / gas mark 6 (ish).

When ready, sprinkle the rest of the spring onions over the top and grill until golden. Serve with whatever the fuck you like; I find a bit of rice and asparagus goes nicely.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Fri 29 Jun 2012, 21:39, Reply)

Baked beans and black pudding
as part of a full English, delicious. Stirred together in a pan until it sets?
(sputnik1, Fri 29 Jun 2012, 20:13, Reply)

Tofu
Most people who are forced to eat Tofu by their veggie friends complain that it is weird tasteless goop. It is very simple to cook tofu and make it edible.

Make sure you buy firm or very firm tofu, don't get that "for smoothies" shite. Then drain all the water out of the block of tofu and cut it up into small cubes.

Now this is the really important bit. Put it in a frying pan with a shit-tonne of oil and fry the fuck out of it. Tofu by itself is fat free, therefore to make it taste nice we need to introduce a large source of fat through the frying (I have made the suggestion of using goose fat, but most of the veggie friends don't like this idea). Once all the oil/butter/fat is soaked up, the tofu will be crispy on the outside and soft on the inside. And it actually works as an alternative to meat in pasta and stir-fry dishes.

So that's you can enjoy healthy fat-free tofu.
(slickback, Fri 29 Jun 2012, 19:53, 11 replies)

Stooodent food
Gravy, ketchup and rice is nothing like a beef and tomato pot noodle.

Toothpaste is not a substitute for mint.

Cold kebab meat found in pocket does not a breakfast make.
(Timrot, Fri 29 Jun 2012, 19:45, 1 reply)

Slight desserty repost
Frangipane filled sweet ravioli and a raspberry coulis with Amaretto creme anglaise. I invented it for a catering exam and managed to persuade the Italian examiner it wasn't heresy to treat pasta in such a way so it clearly wasn't that bad. I have a recipe somewhere if I can be bothered.
( number5 has been fighting tramps and losing., Fri 29 Jun 2012, 19:39, Reply)

crock pots
Ever noticed how Heston Blumental and other fancy-pants chefs vacuum pack meat and then simmer them in water baths for ages? If you cook meat at a low temperature for ages and don't let it dry out it will taste delicious, my Gran could have told them that. Get a crockpot/slow cooker, put in meat, cover in stock or booze, go out for a walk all day, come home to tasty meat. Gammon in cider, lamb/mutton neck/shoulder curry, beef in beer, lambb shanks- all are super easy and super tasty. The cheaper (and tougher) the meat, the better the result. Don't bother with vegetables - most do not soften at temperatures below 100c :-)
(bryo, Fri 29 Jun 2012, 18:40, 4 replies)

Something I’ve been working on recently, it’s getting there.

Soak some beans.

Get a couple of lamb shanks in an oven proof saucepan with some lamb stock and cook on a low heat til it’s coming of the bone.

When they’re done, reduce some red wine in a separate pan and add the stock from the meat pan to reduce down as much as your dare.

While that’s going on pull the lamb and roughly shred.

Finley chop some red onions and cook off, and then add the beans and reduced stock. Now you can taste the stock with the beans you may want to reduce it a little further, as the beans can carry a lot of flavour. Add the lamb. Season with plenty of salt and pepper, mix well. Serve with green veg and a bottle of Bonterra Zifandel.
( Ring Of Fire A petty, drooling belming butthurt retard., Fri 29 Jun 2012, 18:19, 2 replies)

Spaghetti Bolognaaaarrrrrrghhhh my eyes
Never try to cook Spaghetti Bolognese whilst drunk and then choose to add vodka instead of red wine. Brings tears to my eyes when I think about it.
(ed-z, Fri 29 Jun 2012, 18:12, Reply)

I love food
I'm the sort of person who will spend all weekend making 'authentic restaurant' curry sauce rather than order a takeaway.

Having the gas hob on for four hours is actually more expensive than a takeaway.

So, 'proper restaurant' curry?

---

This makes a large batch of the curry sauce (about 4L) and I recommend you freeze it in 1-pint portions. 1 pint of curry sauce will make two main courses, unless you're fat.

Coarsely chop 3kg onions, and add them to 6tbsp of vegetable oil in your largest pan over low heat. Fry gently for thirty minutes, stirring occasionally, until the onions just start to brown. Add 1 tsp salt, and fry over lowest heat for another 30 minutes. Don't let it stick and burn! Add 6 pints water, turn up the heat to bring to the boil, and simmer for another 60 minutes. Turn off the heat and allow to cool to lukewarm temperature. A couple of pints at a time, food process to make a smooth paste (a stick blender isn't really good enough for this), and set aside.

Roughly chop 12 cloves garlic and 6 inches of ginger, and fry gently in a little oil until soft. Open two 400g tins of tomatoes and blend them to a thin sauce, throwing in the garlic and ginger, 2tbsp of paprika and 2tsp turmeric while blending. Pour it into the cleaned large saucepan with 2tbsp oil and simmer gently for 15 minutes. Add the blended onion mixture, bring to a gentle simmer, and simmer for 90 minutes. Allow to cool and divide into 1 pint portions for freezing.

So, it's curry night and you've defrosted a pint of sauce. Obviously, it can be used in a number of ways, which are mostly twists and variants on the following recipe.

Cooking chicken properly is important and adds a lot of flavour. Blend one peeled onion with two garlic cloves and an inch or so of ginger, until it forms a paste. In a small saucepan, melt 4tbsp of ghee (or butter, if you're poor. If you're really poor, cook something else, scumbag), and fry the paste gently for a few minutes. Add diced chicken (2 breasts or - preferably - six thighs). Cover the pan, turn the heat down, and cook gently for 30 minutes, stirring occasionally. Set aside while you cook the curry.

(Alternatively, tikka your chicken by grinding together 1tsp each of cumin and coriander seeds, the seeds of 6 cardamoms, 1 inch of cinnamon stick, a dried chilli, 1/2tsp turmeric, 2 cloves and 1tsp of garam masala. Mix it with a little yoghurt and marinade your chicken pieces in it for a few hours. Skewer the chicken and grill or BBQ until cooked).

Finely chop three garlic cloves, a couple of inches of ginger, and chillies to taste (I use at least a couple of small green finger chillies). These are your aromatics.

In a small pan, toast 1/2tsp fenugreek seeds, 1tsp cumin seeds, 1tsp mustard seeds, 1tsp fennel seeds, 1 clove and 1 inch of cinnamon stick. Grind to a powder when cool and add 1/2tsp turmeric, 1tsp garam masala and chilli powder to taste (Indian chilli powder, not the stuff you use for making chili con carne!).

Heat 2tbsp ghee until melted, add your aromatics and stir-fry until fragrant. Add the spices and continue to stir-fry, making sure nothing sticks. Add the cooked chicken, followed by the curry sauce and a wine glass of water if it looks thick. Simmer the whole lot together for about 15 minutes (just enough time to cook some rice!) and top with fresh chopped coriander.

Obviously there are plenty of variants on this. For a dopiaza, fry off a chopped onion before adding your aromatics. Rogan josh - fry some segments of green pepper and quartered tomatoes before the aromatics. For a saag, puree a bagful of spinach leaves and add them with the chicken. Pathia - add a good squeeze of tomato puree (paste) with the sauce, and the juice of a lemon towards the end of cooking. Dhansak - add half a cup of red lentils with the sauce, a little extra water, and cook until the lentils break down. A bit of tamarind towards the end is good too. Madrases and Vindaloos are made by varying the amount of chilli powder - it's boring, but it's true. The spice blend can be tweaked to include your favourites - Methi (fenugreek leaves) are a great addition.The variations are endless - personally, I like a chilli masala, where I treble the number of green chillies in the aromatics and just halve them, rather than chopping them finely.
( ousgg is not seeking approval, Fri 29 Jun 2012, 18:00, 7 replies)

Have a pearoast: I bought a copy of 'How Very Interesting' by Peter Gordon, Dan Kieran & Paul Hamilton
So you see I ahaha bought the ah ho ho 'Peter Cook book'.

That was my first mistake.


Cheers.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 29 Jun 2012, 17:08, 8 replies)

0207 794 1444
Pls can I have:

No.1
No.4
No.39
No.86a
No.68
No.59
No.99
No.95
No.A03
No.B1 (x4)

Fucking sorted.

www.stir-fry.co.uk/DeliveryTakeawayMenu2011-2.pdf
( Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Fri 29 Jun 2012, 16:54, 3 replies)

Drilled Chill Roast Beef with un-frozen meat!
Most of you should know the famous drilled chilli raost beef recipe from back in the day. ( www.zen141662.zen.co.uk/DrilledChilliBeef.htm )

Well I worked how to do it without the frozen meet (and, unfortunetly without the drill). Simply cut holes in the meet (I used a thin knife) and then pack a straw with the chillis. Poke the straw into the holes and then, (with the help of a skewer) pull the straw out but leave the chillis behind. Hey presto!
( Crap Little Monkey Deathstar, so good they built it twice, Fri 29 Jun 2012, 16:23, 1 reply)

Treacle Flapjack. aka nom nom nom nom nom
Part 1:
6oz butter
4 oz sugar
2 tbsp golden syrup
2 tbsp treacle

Part 2:
10oz Oats (the large kind mind you, packs of small or broken up oats normally end up in a gooey mess, still tasty but just goo)
2oz flour.

melt Part 1 then bung in Part 2 and mix it all up.

Pour in a standard sized baking tray.

Cook for 10-20 mins (depends on how much you want to be crispy and how much chewy)

Let it cool.

Eat.

Don't let your friends get at it or they will take it from you, the barstewards!
( Crap Little Monkey Deathstar, so good they built it twice, Fri 29 Jun 2012, 16:20, 3 replies)

Chocolate Fridge Cake (dead easy)
120g dark chocolate (I use a 125g bar of Aldi chocolate)
100g margarine
2 tbsp golden syrup
50g raisins, sultanas or currants
50g glace cherries
200g ginger snaps, bourbons, digestives or any other biscuit, crumbled up

1. Melt the chocolate and margarine in a large bowl (can do in a microwave or over pan of boiling water) and stir in the syrup.
2. Mix in everything else. Spoon into an oiled tin and press down firmly.
3. Put in fridge to set. When nearly set, cut into triangles or rectangles. Then allow it to set completely.
4. Scoff.

Variation - If you don't like dried fruit, use a big spoonful of plum, raspberry, strawberry or blackcurrant jam instead)

(This recipe is vegan if you use dairy-free dark chocolate)
(IHateSprouts is baking a huge pie shaped like an enormous pie, Fri 29 Jun 2012, 15:49, 1 reply)

Making shit
Right, so, I’m a bit of a food ponce. I like good food. I don’t subscribe to the food looking fancy shmancy shit, but I want the food I eat to taste nice. I will happily eat a kebab, KFC or McDonalds, because they do actually taste good. Even if they do make you feel sick. So although you are probably thinking it, I’m not some snobby twat.

I am also a male, and as a result, a fan of making things.

Since getting my own house, I have started to build things, much to my girlfriend’s consternation. It started off small, just a wine rack to fit in a gap beside the dishwasher, but things have escalated. Here are my three proudest makes…

One morning, I woke up and thought to myself, “I fancy smoked salmon today”. I went to the shop, bought some, and had it with my scrambled eggs. Over breakfast I was thinking about how easy it must be to smoke things for yourself. I came up with a plan in my head and set about executing it.

I bought two steel bins, and attached a length of chimney liner to them, hung up some fish in one bin, and built a fire in the other. It was genius I tells ya! After a few hours, I had my very own smoked salmon. Unfortunately, due to the prepping of the fish, I have only used this once.

My next experiment was a biltong box. I love the salty goodness of meat (fnarr fnarr). I got a box, drilled some holes and cured some beef. Set it up and let it dry for a few days. This was an unqualified success. SO much cheaper than the shop, and better than anything you can buy.

Finally, most favourite of all my experiments, I made my own pizza oven in the garden. I built a base with some truck tyres and rocks, dug up some clay from behind my garden, and set this up.

I can now pretend I am in Naples, smugging it up like the guy with a croissant, except with a slice of pizza and a glass of wine. The neighbours look on enviously as they eat their burnt sausages from a mediocre bbq whilst I live it up with my pizza.

The next step is to insulate the pizza oven to make it hold more heat, and do slow roasted joints and pulled pork over night.

My main problem is that I don't ever actually plan things - like most good men. I have an idea, and I go with it, sometimes it works, other times I spend weeks corrcting a mistake that I made, but eventually it always works.

Tl:dr – man destroys Nazis through culinary ambition.
(The Kwyjibo A big, dumb, balding North American ape., Fri 29 Jun 2012, 15:47, 7 replies)

Delia got me onto this 1
Beans on toast with egg.
Toast the bread. Butter, then chuck on a slab/slice of cheese.
Zap the canned baked beans in a bowl for a couple of minutes and for the last minute or so crack an egg on top.
Pour resulting sludge onto the toast and cheese.

Veg, proteins & carbs all rolled into 1.
Season with lots of pepper.
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Fri 29 Jun 2012, 15:28, Reply)

Toasted cheese, banana and brussel sprout sandwiches
We sent 'denim Andy' into the kitchen to see what he could rustle up for us (as he was the only person who seemed capable of movement). Surprisingly delicious.
(enile, Fri 29 Jun 2012, 15:19, 2 replies)

Beans on toast is remarkably easy to fuck up.
Add cheese over the beans? Nasty. Spread Marmite on the toast? Disgusting.

On the other hand, toasties are almost impossible to get wrong. I survived university, thanks in large part to the humble sardine toastie (no cheese, just tinned, saucy, fish) - lovely, although no one else would ever join me.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Fri 29 Jun 2012, 15:16, 4 replies)

Bread on beans
Such the rebel.
(ParaSitius is an Optimistic Pessimist, Fri 29 Jun 2012, 14:50, Reply)

The Uncle Bill Cookbook
Dear old Uncle Bill (actually my ex-wife's relative), a widower, had a haphazard approach to cooking. We kept an eye on him and were regularly appalled and astonished at some of the stuff he fed himself.

Here are three that spring to mind:

"Easter Bacon"

1: preheat some kind of grease (olive oil, lard, a knob of butter, Brylcreem) in a frying pan
2: when it looks / smells hot enough, lob in rashers of bacon
3: (optional) take phone call from elderly relative, keeping eye on bacon & turning occasionally, until you need to look something up on the internet and forget about the bacon until it burns
4: when bacon is cooked, turn heat under pan off - this gives the bacon a chance to soak up plenty of grease (unless it's all burned away)
5: realise you have no bread: all you have is hot cross buns, so butter a couple of them
6: realise you have no ketchup of any description: put a smear of very old marmalade on each HXB, add bacon

Tasting note: crispy bacon served in a hot cross bun is actually rather lovely


"What's that funny smell?"

1: put kettle on for instant mashed potato
2: open 220g tin of Grant's Haggis, plonk/scrape into a small saucepan and heat through gently, stirring occasionally
3: that doesn't look like much... rifle through cupboard until you find...
4: a 170g tin of John West crab meat chunks; add this to the haggis
5: while this is warming through (or burning), make the instant mash - but:
6: you should ignore the instructions and add too much water
7: that mini-stilton someone got you for Xmas will nicely melt into the runny mash and thicken it up
8: serve, consume and when later challenged, declare that it was very tasty


"Lumpy"
(this extraordinary dish actually requires some forward planning)

Shopping:
1: time your visit to the supermarket to coincide with all the near-expiry stuff being discounted
2: you are shopping for meat - any kind, but mince is de rigeur - whatever's cheap
3: the doctor says you have to eat more vegetables, so grab a couple of onions while you're at it
4: stock up on toilet rolls and Gaviscon

Cooking:
1: fry the diced or sliced onions gently until soft
2: brown the mince, then transfer with the onions to a huge casserole dish
3: whatever cheap meat you bought - beef, pork, lamb, chicken, sausages, etc. - cut into 1 inch cubes and fry it all up a bit
4: transfer to the casserole dish
5: dissolve gravy-type things (OXO cubes, Bisto granules, whatever you have at the back of the cupboard) in hot water and lob all that into the casserole dish
6: cover the dish and stick it into an oven at whatever temperature takes your fancy for an indeterminate period of time - 3 to 6 hours is good
7: consume over the course of a week with accompaniments such as mustard, bread and pickled onions, hot or cold, for breakfast, lunch or a light supper
8: do this every week for 3 months or until your doctor tells you to stop

Epilogue:
The old duffer died years ago - of heart failure, unsurprisingly - but I still remember him fondly.
( MisterPunch did it that way on, Fri 29 Jun 2012, 14:39, 3 replies)

serendipity beans
how to turn a tin of beans into best toastie or beans on toast ever:

Beans in pan on hob. FULL POWER! Add curry powder/hot sauce/herbs/whatever. Stir. Go somewhere else and get stoned. Get a niggly feeling... hmmm...

Remember beans! Run into kitchen, remove beans from heat and stir like a maniac to stop them welding to the best pan in the house (you know, the one that just nicely holds one tin of beans or maybe two if you are trying to impress) forever. LEAVE for ten minutes.

Important bit: now is the time to get the toastie machine or the toast on. Place beans back on hob on low/medium heat until simmering and the toastie machine is hot or toast is done. Construct whichever option you require from bread/toast/lumpymashybeansconncotion.

SUCCESS!

TL:DR: Heat beans hard until boiling like a volcano. take off heat and wait ten minutes. reheat. best beans ever. SUCCESS!
(DreddPirateBob has watched every scifi film ever on, Fri 29 Jun 2012, 14:11, 1 reply)