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This is a question The B3ta Cookbook

We're bored of beans on toast. Pretend you're on Pinterest and share your cooking tips and recipes. Can't cook? Don't let that stop you telling us about the disastrous shit you've made.

(, Thu 28 Jun 2012, 21:56)
Pages: Popular, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1

This question is now closed.

Scrambled Omelette.
Fry up a load of stuff, put some cooked pasta or rice in there too, then tip beaten egg over it and keep mashing it about with a spatula until it's all cooked. You'll get fuck all points for presentation, mind.
(, Mon 2 Jul 2012, 10:44, Reply)
I got this from Bea Arthur's last cookbook.
Stuff a chicken with breadcrumbs and crushed pecans. Wrap it in bacon. Sit it upright on a half-full tin of beer and roast.

It's Bea Can Bake: A Pecan Bacon Beercan Chicken.

Fuck off.
(, Mon 2 Jul 2012, 10:31, 3 replies)
No, not me (for I am not American) but something that I read about 10 years ago and for some reason has stuck with me ever since.

Only in the USA...

McDonalds on a pizza
(, Mon 2 Jul 2012, 9:15, 1 reply)
Typical B3ta. 6 pages of answers and not one suggestion about salads.
You fat cunts.
(, Mon 2 Jul 2012, 8:55, 11 replies)
Based solely on personal experience...

MEN: How to woo your future wife:

1) Invite object of affection over for dinner. Ensure flatmates are out. Tidy up. Hide porn.
2) Assemble following ingredients: Fresh pasta, salmon fillets, white wine, cream, garlic, lemon juice, fresh parsley.
3) Cook required amount of pasta. Meanwhile bake salmon fillets until cooked.
4) Pour white wine into saucepan and reduce down by half. Add cream, garlic and lemon juice, salt & pepper, then flake the cooked salmon fillets and stir through.
5) Mix with cooked pasta, garnish with chopped parsley and serve.
6) Consume with several bottles of New Zealand Sauvignon Blanc, while modestly denying that you are in fact the greatest chef who has ever lived.
7) Make no attempt whatsoever to fend off future wife, who is by this point making growling noises and dry-humping the couch.

WOMEN: How to woo your future husband:

1) Invite object of affection to local inn or hostelry. Consume own weight in Dry Blackthorn.
2) Stumble home in state of advanced refreshment, with equally unsteady companion in tow, pausing briefly to urinate in council grit bin.
3) Upon arriving home, open freezer and conduct following inventory: 1 x 700ml bottle supermarket brand vodka, 1 x 48 pack supermarket brand fish fingers.
4) Grill entire box of fish fingers until charcoal on one side, still frozen on other. Facilitate this process using vodka as required.
5) Descend on pile of fish fingers like biblical plague of locusts. Consume entire pack in almost complete silence. Do not under any circumstances pause to consider likely constituents, origins or genetic make-up of home brand fish fingers. Complement with last dregs of vodka.
6) Retire to boudoir, leaving grill on. Attempt bestial congress. Lose consciousness.

I bloody love that woman.
(, Mon 2 Jul 2012, 6:27, 8 replies)
I often eat canned tuna mixed with baked beans
I love it, only it smells like cat food.
(, Mon 2 Jul 2012, 2:17, 4 replies)
One time our dog was sick
The dog wasn't holding down his foods so he was prescribed something and the vet suggested we feed him beefy rice (an oxo cube in the boiling water) and mixed with cheese. Turns out it's rather nice.
(, Mon 2 Jul 2012, 0:06, 1 reply)
Here is my recipe for SPAM!

I have a food blog that I should update, but I don't. Cioppino is my ultimate recipe that's easy and makes you look like a cookery god.

Check the rest of the site. I've done recipes on prawn toast, Chicken Laksa, Coconut shrimp with orange and mustard dipping sauce, frogs legs, kebab chilli sauce........
(, Sun 1 Jul 2012, 23:42, 3 replies)
A main and a pudding for open fire cooking
I used to be a Cub Scout leader, and the kids loved these.

Take one bread roll, hollow it out and crack a raw egg into it. Seal hole with bacon. Wrap in tinfoil and put in embers of fire until bacon and egg cooked and roll toasted. For pudding, slice a hole in a banana through the skin and shove in half a fudge. Wrap in tinfoil and put in embers of fire for a bit. Eat with a spoon.

For supper, toast a marshmallow then sandwich between two digestive biscuits. Repeat until full.
(, Sun 1 Jul 2012, 23:30, Reply)
Has anybody mentioned beercan chicken yet?

(, Sun 1 Jul 2012, 21:03, 3 replies)
I don't know if anyone remembers "Simply Sara - Wanda's Mac'n'Cheese", but its deffo one for the bawk books.
(, Sun 1 Jul 2012, 20:27, 1 reply)
JUst discovered
A good bite of cheddar then as chewing commences pour some maple syrup into your mouth. Really very good indeed and I'm not even stoned
(, Sun 1 Jul 2012, 19:55, 1 reply)
Most of the so-called recipes on this thread are little more than lists of ingredients and instructions on how to use them to prepare meals.
Shame on you all.
(, Sun 1 Jul 2012, 19:48, 4 replies)
Soup of kings
Or how to live off 10€ for a week and a half.

After moving to Berlin I was quickly left unemployed, this recipe allowed me ample time to masterbate and sulk whilst also prolonging the period I was able to do it!


Onion + Garlic + anything else remotely oniony (cellery/peppers work too)
Tin of tomatoes
Chilli and lots of it!
Cumin/coriander (if you're feeling fancy... I pinched the stuff that the landlord left)
Chicken stock + pint and a bit of water
Red Lentils

Fry stuff that looks like it wants frying, add stock and lentils, add tomatoes, leave for 30 minutes.

Blend to buggery (else you get the worst farts known to man)

Eat with toast

(, Sun 1 Jul 2012, 19:18, Reply)
Kerala beef fry
Kerala is one of the only places in India where you can eat beef. The beef fry I had there was undoubtedly the hottest thing I’ve ever eaten, but with all the tastes and sensations of the spices which means that it won't burn the hell of your mouth. Well, perhaps not too much... This is a poor relative.

For the marinade
1 small spring onion
3 cloves of garlic
½ stick of cinnamon
6 cloves
2 bird chilis
4 peppercorns
Ginger (the size of three pound coins)
Vegetable oil


For the fry
One small onion
One large green chili
Curry leaves
Coriander stalks

To accompany
Boiled rice

Put all the marinade ingredients into the blender, and make a paste. Mix in the beef (which should be top quality steak, cut into cubes the size of very large dice). Leave for an hour or so.

Melt the butter, and add the curry leaves and coriander stalks, When the butter boils, you may need to add a little vegetable oil to stop it burning. Then add the onion and the green chili to the butter, and simmer until cooked. Reserve this, leaving as much of the fat in the pan as possible.

Add more butter if necessary, and fry the steak in its marinade. It should be quite dry, but if not, what the hell. If you want it wetter, you could always add a tomato or two. When it is still very tender, add the onion mix you have reserved, stir well, and serve on top of rice sprinkled with chopped coriander.

The beef should be tender and tasty, covered in the oil it has been fried in, the onions adding an extra little moisture. The raita (just yoghurt and cucumber, anything else is superfluous) adds the moisture needed for the rice and goes well with the beef.

Drink? Well, anything, so long as it is long and cold…
(, Sun 1 Jul 2012, 19:16, Reply)
Ruddpockets - A NinjaBadger recipe
Below is a recipe of my own invention, that I'd like to pass onto you.

Oh, and because this is a b3ta-friendly recipe, none of the measurements will be in proper units like grams. Cooking is an inexact science - "handfulls" and "until it looks cooked" are more than sufficient...

Ruddpockets (c) - "A Chicken and Bacon based extravaganza"

Serves 2-3, or 4 for a light meal


Another knife
Chopping board
Thing to stir with


2 Fresh chicken breasts
3/4 Pieces of bacon
Bag of frozen Mixed Veg
Chicken Oxo cube
Tube of Garlic Puree
Mixed herbs
Black pepper
Grated cheese
4 Pitta breads


1) Dice up the chicken breast. Cut it so the pieces are about the same size as dice. Put it in the wok with a little oil and let it cook on a medium heat whilst you move on to step 2. Keep stirring the chicken too.

2) Cut up the bacon, but don't put it in yet. Check the chicken first - it should be cooked after about 5 mins. Take a piece and cut it open to make sure it's not pink inside. If there is pink, let it cook a little longer. When chicken is cooked / nearly cooked, bung in the bacon pieces too. Stir.

3) As the chicken and bacon are cooking, add the chicken oxo cube, making sure to sprinkle evenly. Stir.

4) Add the garlic puree...about 3 or 4 squirts. All a couple of centimeters long. Ish. Stir.

5) Shake a bit of pepper on. Sneeze. Stir.

6) Couple of pinches of mixed herbs. Stir.

7) Now everything should smell really good and you look badass cooking it. Be sure to keep tasting as you cook too. This not only allows you to adjust the ingredients, but makes it look like you know what you're doing. Nod on tasting and say, "needs more...(insert ingredient)" Stir.

Serious tip: You can always add more, but you can't take it away. Add little bits of ingredient and work up.

8) Grab your bag of frozen mixed veg. I find the one out of tesco with peas, carrots, sweetcorn etc works best, but any mixture will work. Open it up and pour a bunch into the wok so it's about half / three-quarters full. The beauty with this is that the veg can be frozen when it's added, which means you can keep it in the freezer until you need it. Fresh veg will go off in your fridge - guarenteed. You'll buy it with good intentions, but 9 times out of 10 you won't eat it, let's be honest. Stir.

9) Whilst the lovely meat and veg mixture is cooking, and it's smelling really good, toast the pitta bread. I find that they only need heating for a little bit. The recipe works best if the pitta are still quite soft and not toasted into rigidity. You'll see why later.

10) When the veg is cooked (you can tell because they'll taste cooked), add two or so handfulls of grated cheese. Stir. Let it melt in. Yum. Now take the pan off the heat.

11) Slice the pittas in half and use a knife to open them up so you end up with two pockets. Don't use the same knife as the one you used to cut the meat.

12) Fill the pockets with the mixture. This is easier if the pittas haven't been toasted to a crisp. Serve. Boy that's good eating.

The proper way to eat these is with various different sauces to dip the pockets in. Mayonnaise is my favourite...really really good. Reggae Reggae sauce is also recommended, as is ketchup or barbecue sauce. Or chutney. Experiement, let me know!

Below is a poorly taken, out of focus picture that shows you what they might look like when done.

Why not try the same thing, but with tortilla wraps instead of pitta?

Bon appetit!


(, Sun 1 Jul 2012, 18:25, 4 replies)
Another penny-pinching gut busting stodge recipe.
Pasta (fusilli, conchi or farfalle are best- whatever's small and won't 'clump', it's too fecking fiddly with spaghetti or tagliatelli). boiled up until tender.

Boil up some sweetcorn, 3 minutes from then end bang in some frankfurters.

Strain the sweetcorn, extract the hot dogs and chop them into chunks. Chuck it all in with the pasta.

Add grated cheese while it's still all hot and will melt it. Pepper to taste.

You can fill four stomachs for about 60p each and it's actually quite tasty. If you're worrying about calories then you can ditch the cheese but I would recommend having a tin of value chopped plum tomatoes instead- a quick dash around the herb rack for whatever takes your fancy as well.
(, Sun 1 Jul 2012, 18:24, 3 replies)
fucking good risotto, feeds two
I'm disturbed at how many of the recipes so far are "simple" and "shit". Here's a bloody awesome recipe that isn't actually hard but certainly takes some preparation. Is it worth it? I think so, but then I don't see "quick and simple" as inherently worthy goals when cooking.

Before you can start making your risotto, you have to cook and eat an entirely different meal a day or more before:

Roast a Chicken for the pair of you, have roast spuds, plenty of veggies - just cook it yourself, don't buy an already cooked chicken. Make sure you buy a chicken large enough that you'll only consume half of it.

Put your vegetable peelings in a large saucepan (3 litre capactity). Before you wash up, scrape all the meat and fat juices into the saucepan too.

Take the chicken carcass and remove all the chicken flesh (and only the flesh) into a bowl or container, and refrigerate. Into the large saucepan of peelings etc goes all the bones, skin, internal organs.

Boil up 1.7 litres of water in your kettle, pour into saucepan with bones etc. Bring saucepan to a vigorous boil, take down to a bare simmer and simmer for at least 2 hours, checking every now and then to make sure the heat is okay and to turn over the contents.

Once the water level has dropped a few inches, pour the contents of the saucepan through a colander into another saucepan. Throw the bones and crap away, leaving you with about a litre of beautiful golden chicken stock, entirely unlike the shit liquid you buy in a carton or dried brown flavoured salt you buy as a cube.

Let this cool, put it into a suitable container and refrigerate.

Next day, or day after, it's time to make some awesome chicken risotto.

Other than your 1 litre of beautiful stock and chicken meat (torn into small strips), you will need:

1 cup of risotto rice (about 180 grams).
1 cup of white wine (what about 180 grams of uncooked rice looks like) make it a good enough wine to serve the rest with dinner.
1 large onion
1 handful of mushrooms
trimmed green beans
1/3 cup grated parmesan cheese
fistful of fresh parsley - finely chopped
3 cloves of garlic
30 grams of butter
olive oil
ground black pepper

1. Pour your stock into a small saucepan, warm it up and keep it warm (do not boil). Put in a few pinches of salt.
1. Chop up your onion and garlic.
2. Heat the butter and a decent glug of olive oil into a 3 litre saucepan. Once the butter has melted, chuck in the onion and garlic and cook for 3 minutes on a medium heat.
3. Stir in your risotto rice and cook for a further 5 minutes, stirring frequently (it'll get a bit sticky) until the rice has begun to colour.
4. Turn the heat down a bit. Ladle in 1 cup of your warm stock. This will bubble magnificently and quickly be absorbed/boil off.
5. Put in 1 cup of white wine, no more. This should not bubble magnificently, but still absorb fairly quickly - otherwise adjust your heat. Stir occasionally until the liquid is almost gone (the risotto will become stiffer and harder to stir - don't let it bubble too much or burn).
6. Once this has absorbed, chuck in your mushrooms and 1 cup of stock. Stir occasionally while the stock is absorbed.
7. As each cup of liquid is absorbed, put in another cup, stirring occasionally. Meanwhile, in a seperate saucepan, cook your green beans.
8. When you are down to your last cup of stock, try some of the rice: it should not be gritty*. Put your chicken and final cup of stock in, and stir. Once this has begun to absorb, put in your parsley, grind in some black pepper.
9. Once the stock is absorbed, take the saucepan off the heat and stir in the parmesan cheese.
10. Serve, with green beans on the side.

*if your rice is still a bit gritty and you're almost out of stock, you're going to have to use your last cup of stock now. Unless you have a stash of beatuiful home-made stock in the freezer you can quickly defrost in a suacepan/microwave, any further liquid required will have to be plain boiled water 1 cup at a time. Do not use a stock cube with it. If you had 1 litre of stock to begin with and cooked 1 cup of risotto rice, this should not occur.

Tips: never, at any stage, be tempted to put more white wine in - it will totally dominate and ruin the flavour. If you don't see the point in parsley, try it anyway - it makes all the difference in this dish. Always use risotto rice. If when making your stock you forgot about it and the liquid almost simmered away, just boil a kettle and top it up again to 1 litre. Let it simmer for about 5/10 minutes and it should be absolutely fine.
(, Sun 1 Jul 2012, 16:52, Reply)
simple recipe,

take 2 slices of Warburtons bread (yellow wrapper)
toast till you reach desired colour,
apply real salted butter,
apply marmite
finally apply a layer of smooth peanut butter on top of the marmite.
Well tasty, unless your one of those soft twunts that cant handle marmite.


toast bread, apply butter then apply a thin layer of heinz tomato ketchup,
tastes very nearly like prawn toast without the fishyness.
(, Sun 1 Jul 2012, 15:14, 5 replies)
Chicken Beer Can
Get a large chicken, and roast it. Then tape up the neck end and pour half a litre or so of beer into the other end.

Et voilà, chicken beer can.
(, Sun 1 Jul 2012, 14:47, Reply)
And for anybody who wants to see what happens if you forget to open the can for beer can chicken ...
(, Sun 1 Jul 2012, 14:27, 6 replies)
Satan's potatoes
Put potatoes into microwave.
Press 6-6-6-Go.
(, Sun 1 Jul 2012, 14:17, 2 replies)
For baked potato or a great sandwich...
Minty Tuna.

1 can of tuna.

1 large tablespoon of salad cream (has to be SC, not Mayo.)

1.5 teaspoon of mint sauce.

mix well in a bowl, S+P to taste, eat and enjoy.

good on toast too.
(, Sun 1 Jul 2012, 14:00, 1 reply)
Mexican Lasagne
Make a chilli to your normal standard, but leave it slightly wetter than usual.

Layer up with tortilla wraps instead of pasta sheets, with a mixture of sweetcorn and grated cheese in place of a bechamel sauce, then top with crushed nachos and grated cheese.

Bake until cooked.


EDIT: Sorry this isn't another recipe for beer can chicken.
(, Sun 1 Jul 2012, 13:14, 2 replies)
Best Biccies Ever
Swedish Lemon Angels. I can't be arsed to type in the full recipe, but you can find it at

(, Sun 1 Jul 2012, 11:37, 1 reply)
Shove a beer can up a chicken's arse, then roast it.
The recipe I tried was similar to this one:


As you can see from the photo, the chicken goes into the oven upright, sat astride the beer can, like it's being penetrated by some gigantic metal cock. As the chicken cooks, the lager flavours the meat and it ends up being pretty darned tasty.

Jamie Mockniver has a version in his Jamie's America book that uses a five spice, star anise type rub. The other great thing is that you get to drink half the can of beer before you stick it inside the bird - Ooh-er matron!
(, Sun 1 Jul 2012, 9:12, Reply)
Chilli Vodka.
Buy some vodka, put some chillis in it. Leave it for weeks. I've also added lemon-grass before.

Google it for the full recipe. It was so nice that I can't remember how to make it properly.
(, Sun 1 Jul 2012, 6:01, 3 replies)
Cheesy Hammy Eggy
If you have ever served on a Royal Naval vessel then you will know this recipe, it makes a great start to the day.

4 Slices White Bread (white tastes much better with this recipe)
4 Slices Ham
5 Eggs
250g Cheese
Teaspoon English or Dijon Mustard

First make the cheesy mixture by mixing together 1 egg, 250g cheese and the mustard.
Place four slices bread under the grill and toast on one side
Turn the toast over and put the ham on the uncooked side making sure it is just inside the edge of the bread.
Cover the bread with the cheesy mixture spreading it right to the edge.
Put the toast back under the grill to melt the cheesy mixture all over the bread.
Fry four eggs.
Remove the toast from the grill and place on your plate, top with a fried egg and pepper!

(, Sun 1 Jul 2012, 2:38, 4 replies)
Tastes good and costs less.
Buy shitty cheap shit. Especially from the 'yellow sticker' -25% off discount section, and whack it in the freezer for when needed.
Put too many chillies and too much garlic in everything.
(Seriously. For two people, three or four 'supermarket' chillies and one bulb of garlic. Yes, a whole bulb.)
Cook to requirements.
Add pepper to taste. And drink some beer, oh yes, plenty of beer.
Serve with whatever's going cheap, rice / flatbreads / wraps (all of which taste better in loads of oils, paprika and garlic. And chillies.)
Drink more beer in a futile but debaucherous attempt to try to come down from the chilli high propagating from your mouth.
It wont work, but at least you'll get drunk trying.
(, Sun 1 Jul 2012, 1:03, 2 replies)
1 Bottle of port.
together in a mould and allow it to set.
(, Sat 30 Jun 2012, 23:46, Reply)

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