Celery delight.
A few stalks of really good fresh celery can be softened in hot water until they begin to break up easily with a fork.
From there on, its a simple task to push the disgusting crap straight down the plughole with the handle of a wooden spoon, much as one would clear carroty vomit chunks from a flooded sink.
( Infidel , shit and wrong, Wed 4 Jul 2012, 0:28, 1 reply)

A staple fillyerup in 12 minutes.
Cook a huge pan of pasta tubes, swirls, short bits- not spaghetti anyway.
About a minute before pasta is done chuck in a great dollop of frozen peas.
Drain when peas are warm.
While everything is still steamy hot stir in a can of tuna and as much grated cheese as you can pile in there.
Serve in a bowl with Worcester sauce sprinkled over the top, awesome stodge.

Can also be eaten cold the next day and still tastes good.
( Infidel , shit and wrong, Wed 4 Jul 2012, 0:15, 1 reply)

It was 1988 wavy lines, etc...
We (students at the thick end of the grant cheque) had been cooking something Wellingtony, and then we heard through the jungle telegraph (younger viewers can ask a parent about grant cheques) that one of our number was a born-again vegetarian. So he ate grass that night. He had no idea that the extremely fine French beans weren't as advertised.
(barbedwiretumbleweed Fast 'n' Bulbous!, Tue 3 Jul 2012, 23:59, 6 replies)

I saw a really good recipe on the web
I didn't have time to write down the ingredients, but it serves two, comes in a cup, and appears to be something fun you can share with a friend
( cumquat may will not be commenting further on the allegations, Tue 3 Jul 2012, 23:24, 4 replies)

Curried beans and cheese
1 tin of beans
As much cheese as you like
Curry powder and/or chilli powder
multiple slices of soft white bread

heat beans , cheese and curry powder until it all melts into a thick hot porridgy mess
chuck it in a bowl
Spoon on to bread and most of your chin

Awesome

Disclaimer: Might make your poo a bit stiff.
(boarders You won't catch me with my trousers, Tue 3 Jul 2012, 23:24, 1 reply)

EGGY CUP
TAKE ONE EGG AND SERVE.
IN A CUP
(PR1CKBOT IS ONLINE, Tue 3 Jul 2012, 22:58, 3 replies)

food or drink?
Wait just over 5 months for baby jebus birthday time then...

Take half a bottle of dark rum and warm gently.
Take half a block of good butter and heat until it just starts to colour.
Let the butter cool for 30 seconds or so whilst you ladle the rum into a glass (sherry glass works well)
Add the butter in a 'guinness to head' type ratio. It will float.

Drink...
Talk about rum and butter toffees for a while then feel a little sick..

V
(vitty And now...F5 F5 F5 F5 F5, Tue 3 Jul 2012, 22:31, Reply)

I ate yewbutler.

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Tue 3 Jul 2012, 21:19, Reply)

Really busy at work today. Missed the hot food at the canteen. Had to get a sandwich at the Little Shop.
'nuff said.
( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Tue 3 Jul 2012, 21:17, 1 reply)

I once tried to make a microwaved chocolate muffin for my wifey.
Except I didn't have any milk so used twice the amount of cooking oil instead, assuming that in the world of 'cookery' one liquid was much the same as another.

When it came out after 5 long minutes...it looked like a slab of beef and smelled like a wet dog.

I ate my bit out of sheer bloody mindedness and was rewarded with an evening of bowel-related entertainments.
(Jimbotfu Bummed in the gob again, Tue 3 Jul 2012, 19:37, Reply)

Jaffa toast.
That smashing 'orangey' bit inside the nations favorite dichotomy is actually apricot. So take some toast, warm is preferable, and put apricot jam on, then some nutella on top.
Presto! The kids love it too:-)
( Blind Meach Cautiously optimistic, Tue 3 Jul 2012, 18:32, 18 replies)

Cheesy beans on toast with a kick
Toast
Put beans on toast.
Put on beans, hot sauce, fish sauce, brown sauce!!
Put on cheddary cheese (I find cheddar to be the cheddariest cheese)
Sea salt & Black pepper on top of all.
Grill till cheese goes a wee bit brown.
Serve with a nice chilled Chianti or Apple Tango.
Enjoy
(Hammy1801 may have scabies!, Tue 3 Jul 2012, 17:43, 3 replies)

I was always fond of baby Koala, poached in it's own mother's milk
wait until the nose is falling off the skull, that's when it's time to serve
( cumquat may will not be commenting further on the allegations, Tue 3 Jul 2012, 17:22, 5 replies)

Not quite on topic, But will pass...
A friend of mine, has a love of Cheese. He likes to consider himself a bit of a connoisseur if you like.

One evening at a party - walking up to a buffet, he is greeted by a table of cheese. All laid out, all different colours and shades. Smells, and textures. He was in heaven, his excitement showed.

Shuffling along with a plate in one hand - spotting a new and unusual cheese and cutting a wedge off, some had to be scooped (Brie)

Sitting down he begins to taste and analyse them.

He then takes a knife and cuts through a relatively smooth cheese, taking a big wedge into his mouth. His eyes glazed over. He was in heaven...

"mmmm" groaned Tom " this cheese is so creamy"


"that’s because its Butter" Said Chris.
(Dan dan dan They tik urh jerbs!!!, Tue 3 Jul 2012, 16:43, 2 replies)

I was 14
and decided to make an omellette with amongst other vegetables and meats (including Eggs for the pedantic minded) ...Garlic.

Lesson learnt there... Please, for the sake of your love of eggs, dont try this one... ever.
(Dan dan dan They tik urh jerbs!!!, Tue 3 Jul 2012, 16:36, 2 replies)

If you wish to make an apple pie from scratch
You must first create the universe
(thefuckestuppest cheapened this, on, Tue 3 Jul 2012, 16:02, 4 replies)

I've got a bit of a problem with this this week's question
I'm a bit of a fat greedy bastard, and I really like food, so I want to click nearly *all* of these stories...
(Professor Kenny Martin Hmm? What?, Tue 3 Jul 2012, 15:25, 6 replies)

A jumper
baked inside a cake


(TheManWithThePlan cussed your mum on, Tue 3 Jul 2012, 15:19, 1 reply)

Green pesto pizza
One of my many non-lethal but vaguely annoying health issues is an allergy to tomatoes. Despite this, one of my favourite foods is pizza. Now surely, you might assume, the tomato is an essential pizza ingredient? For ready-made pizzas bought in a UK supermarket, yes, but if you go to a real pizzaria in the real Italy, you will see that they broadly group them into pizze rosse ("red pizzas") and pizze bianche ("white pizzas"). As you might guess, the former are tomatoey, and the latter more cheese-based.

But there's still a problem with authentic Italian pizzas in that they can be a bit plain and dry, and while eating out in Italy is quite an experience I have to say I prefer the juicy, mushroomy, crispy-edged creations that have been tailored to the British palate. So how to recreate that without tomato? The answer (as you will have guessed if you read the subject line) is green pesto - yummy, oily and suitably Itlian, it makes for ideal pizza-glue.

Here's how it works:

Ingredients:

* Blank pizza bases - I find the Napolina brand to be the nicest; they are available everywhere - look out for black boxes.
* Green pesto - Now, another pitfall for me is that I am allergic to eggs and many green pestos contain eggs. Egg-free green pestos that I know of are Sacla Organic (a bit pricey, but probably the nicest), Sainsburys own (again pricey, and annoyingly oily) and Bella Italia (the best value. Has a more solid, paste-like consistency which seems a bit odd but tastes good enough).
* Meat - Normally I have tuna, but an occasional alternative is salami. You could also use chorizo, or maybe some cunning combination.
* Veg - Normally mushrooms and onions for me, but can be varied according to taste.
* Cheese - You can get mozzarella if you want to Italian it up, but I think mozzarella is a bit bland. Ordinary cheddar will do.

1) Chop up your veg. Toss it into a pan with a little oil and lightly fry it over a low heat. Some people will just add veg to a pizza raw and let the oven do the work, but it can come out a bit dry and underdone.
2) While the veg is sizzling away, take out your pizza base(s). Apply the pesto to the base. Assuming you're using the proper large 10" (or thereabouts) bases, you'll need about a third of a jar per pizza. Scoop the pesto out with a teaspoon and spread it evenly across the base using the back of the spoon.
3) Now might also be a good time to start preheating your oven. 180 degrees C should do it.
4) Add the tuna or salami to the pizza. I find a normal sized tin of tuna will do two pizzas.
5) By now the veg should be lightly cooked - we're not looking to burn it to a crisp here, just soften it up a bit. Add it to the pizza.
6) Add cheese to the top of the pizza. Now, you can grate it but I prefer to slice it. If you don't have one, I'd recommend you get yourself a proper cheese slicer. They are a really standard utensil on the continent but for some reason seem pretty rare over here. Much quicker than grating and easier to wash up too.
7) Pop it in the oven for 15-20 minutes.
8) Nyom.

The best thing about my green pesto pizza recipe is that it isn't just for allergic freaks like me. A while back I made a selection of small pizzas for some friends, half with tomato paste and half with green pesto. Everyone preferred the pesto ones. So why not make your own? It will be yummy.
( Photoshop Bitch 2014 edition, Tue 3 Jul 2012, 15:17, 15 replies)

Eggs in Hell
I found a recipe years ago called "Eggs in Purgatory". With the addition of some delicious heat, I've called it eggs in hell.

You will need:

1 tin chopped tomatoes
1 onion (or bunch of spring onion* if you prefer)
1 pepper (whatever colour you like)
sliced chorizo sausage
a few cloves of garlic (1 or 2 will probably be enough, add more to taste if you like that sort of thing though)
Squeeze of tomato puree or ketchup
1 dried naga chilli
2 eggs

Chop and fry the onion and chorizo until the onion is starting to go transparent.
Chop and add the pepper to the pan for a couple of minutes.
Chop the garlic and add to the pan for about 2 minutes, until it's starting to go brown.
Add the tomatoes, puree (or ketchup) and the whole chilli, fineyl chopped.

Simmer for a few minutes, then break the eggs onto the top of the mixture.

Cover and simmer until the eggs are cooked - alternatively, if you can't cover the pan, either spoon hot tomato juice over the eggs until they're cooked or put the whole thing under a hot grill for a few seconds - be careful not to burn the eggs if you do this though.

Serve with rice or couscous and some sour cream. The recipe above is enough for two people; add more eggs if you're hungry.

I use naga chillis because I have a big bag of dried ones and I really love the flavour. They're fucking fucking FUCKING hot though; if you want a little less heat (last time I made this it made my eyes go blurry for a few minutes) use different chillies or remove the seeds.

As you can probably tell it's not the most precise of recipes; you can mix it around pretty much however you like. No pepper/more pepper/bacon instead of chorizo/no meat/serve with grilled chicken instead/whatever, it's all good.


*Bonus points for referring to spring onions as "sprungions", like I always do
(Professor Kenny Martin Hmm? What?, Tue 3 Jul 2012, 15:17, 7 replies)

fried spam
most people these days would turn their noses up at spam, but cut into slices approximately 8mm thick and fried till just a little crispy and you've got quite the tasty (and cheap) dish.
(TheManWithThePlan cussed your mum on, Tue 3 Jul 2012, 15:13, 8 replies)

Quick and dirty...
Super Noodle wraps.

Pretty much exactly what it says on the tin. Any flavour will do, just make sure they're not too watery, for obvious reasons. Add any kind of salt, pepper, chilli sauce, mayo, whatever you like, and eat. Quick, dirty, filling, cheap.
(Professor Kenny Martin Hmm? What?, Tue 3 Jul 2012, 15:10, 2 replies)

I used to be a chef
I still consider myself one, albeit not paid for it. I have tons of recipes but the one that is always going to be my staple and my favourite, my "What would you choose for your last meal" is relatively simple but delicious:

One loaf of fresh, crusty white bread, 2-3 toasted slices
A handful of brushed, Chestnut or more interesting Mushrooms or mixed, brushed and sliced plus a few quarters in there for controversy
1-2 very ripened Vine Tomatoes, cubed
Salt & Pepper
Herbs if you choose
Garlic or Chilli
Butter

Fry those Tom's and Mushies in Butter (+ Garlic or Chilli or both) with tons of salt and pepper and a few finely chopped herbs (lemon Thyme especially good)
spread all including the juice on toast and taste heaven. Cup of tea to go with it and and a sunny Sunday morning with the paper. Bliss. Honestly my favourite meal of all time.

/Edit I say "relatively simple" but anyone could make this!
( SauronWibble I'll hold it, you lick it..., Tue 3 Jul 2012, 15:10, 10 replies)

Why I was advised not to take Home Economics GCSE.
Recipe- "Melt 50 grams of butter in a pan."
I tried to melt 200 grams of Cheddar.
(jvz, Tue 3 Jul 2012, 14:34, Reply)

Simple and ideal for heating your home
1 large tin tuna in brine, drained
1 tin baked beans

Mix.

Heat.

Eat.

Crispy fried onions may be sprinkled on top for added texture.

This recipe will make you produce so much methane you'll be leaving the radiators off for a week.
( .Yeti. El amor en los tiempos del cólera, Tue 3 Jul 2012, 13:39, Reply)

When all else fails,
combine corned beef with baked beans, heat, and serve with toast. Protein, fibre, and very filling. Cheap, too, and within the grasp of the most cack-handed chef.
My nan passed on this recipe, and she cooked for a living. She'd probably have served it to Gordon Ramsay, then kicked him in the balls for not finishing it.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Tue 3 Jul 2012, 13:32, 9 replies)

Honey mustard chicken.
Take some mushrooms and cut them up; slice, dice, quarter, whatever.
Put a knob of butter and a splash of oil in a pan and heat till the butter is foaming. Add mushrooms and a clove of garlic (or garlic paste, lazy garlic). Cook the mushrooms, when you see them starting to release liquid DON'T STOP. Keep cooking them till the liquid is gone and put some proper colour on them. People who serve grey rubbery mushrooms are evil and deserve to die. Season with salt and pepper and set aside in a bowl.

Take a couple of chicken breasts and seal in the frying pan (you'll prob have to give it a clean first), get some good colour on them then add to the pan 2 large spoons of English mustard, a spoon of Dijon and a spoon of wholegrain mustard. Then 2/3 large spoons of honey.I know a person who also adds some curry powder here.

Mix together and coat the chicken in the mustard/honey mix. The sauce will thicken slightly and cling to the chicken. Add double cream and turn the heat down. Allow the chicken to simmer in the sauce for a few minutes until cooked through, add your mushrooms just before serving to heat through.

Serve with anything you like. But green beans and roast potatoes are utter win.

www.b3tards.com/u/9a8441c6e0b73ddb4e32/hmchick.jpg
( Maffers I flow kinda strange like Spina Bifida footprints, Tue 3 Jul 2012, 13:31, 2 replies)

Food is Fuel
Recipe from a friend (Hi Rick!):

1. Make up one pot of chicken chow mein Pot Noodles as per directions.
2. In a pan, heat through the contents of a tin of corned beef hash and a tin of baked beans.
3. When all is piping hot, combine into one God-forsaken travesty of a meal and consume greedily.

And he was sober....
(Roladex, Tue 3 Jul 2012, 13:15, Reply)

nomnomnomchorizo things
jacket potatotatoto. fry some chorizo in a bunch of butter. one chunk will do, its just to flavour the butter. apply to potato like normal butter, its runnier but all butter ends up like that anyway so you're kind of cutting out the waiting time.

chorizo jerky. get some chorizo, slice into strips, low oven until the fat has melted out. keep the fat and add to anything (using it to fry bacon is perfection) and use something to absorb what fat is left on the strips. cool. you have to chew it like a bastard but as jerky goes you don't get better. doesnt last more than a few days though.


cheap camping pot noodle. take some dirt cheap ramen noodle type things. add to large thermal mug, add sachet and some hot sauce (which always comes with you camping yes? yes!) add water. put lid on. wait 4 or 5 minutes. NOM.

edit: a messerschmitt just flew down coniston lake. which was nice.
(DreddPirateBob has watched every scifi film ever on, Tue 3 Jul 2012, 12:58, Reply)