Vomit and rummy bottoms...
My ambulance got sent to a local hotel where a guest had "D&V" (diarrhea and vomiting). He tells me the name of a local restaurant that he ate at earlier that evening and the dish he ate. Duly documented.
Get a second call to a woman at a different hotel suffering identical symptoms and she tells me the name of the restaurant and the dish she ate earlier.
Exactly the same as the first guy.

Just a minimum of two cases of an identical nature and it's a "notifiable poisoning" that involves the local health inspectors and with any luck the media. We then get a third call, this time to the restaurant itself where an employee ate the same dish earlier and is now suffering the same problems as the two customers.
We advise the manager that this is not an isolated problem and that he should withdraw the dish to protect any other customers and we also obtain a sample for the health inspectors. The manager then panics a bit and asks me if I will give him back the sample and not mention it to anyone, which of course I refuse.

Then he offers me a bribe. Not cash – but a free meal for two.
Yeah right, and I’ll bring my own drug-kit shall I?
(emadex thinks the world will end on, Fri 28 Apr 2006, 16:19, Reply)

Oooh the dirty bastards...
I live in Halstead, Essex...think "Deliverance" but without the scenery. Anyway, a few miles down the road from me is the the bubbling cesspit that many call Braintree (freeport and all that shite). the Sanitation Authorities did a random spot-check on the Braintree McDonalds, (one which i have regularly purchased munchies from in the past) and found Semen from 8 different people in the Mayo.

Mmmmm, give's me Big Mac the kick it needs!! lol.
(BatCountry organised, attended, and was thrown out on, Fri 28 Apr 2006, 16:10, Reply)

Little cloth-eared stroppy teen waiter fuckmunch!
My girlfriend and I were visiting St. Andrews for the day. We went to a restaurant/hotel place called the Oak Rooms for our dinner.

I'm a vegetarian, and I think this might have caused some confusion later on.

First, they wouldn't let me in the place (I have short cropped hair and look a bit... tasty in a fight?). "Oh, we're fully booked till nine".

Then, when they hear my accent, they had a table after all. (Hooray, he's not a local Fife nutter!)

Empty room. Hmm. A 15 year old boy took our order-- for starters I wanted Nachos without beef Chilli, my griflriend wanted Nachos with Beef chilli.

30 mins later. 2 beef chilli nachos. We ask the waitress to change my order as the boy had got it wrong. She wanders off to say something to him, he gets annoyed, we hear him tell her that we had lied, he fucked off in a strop, and then she came back and tried to imply that we'd lied to him and shouldn't try and change our order! (like I'd change a lifetime of vegetarianism to have some stewed and fried beef on some corn-snacks)

Bitch!

Waited ages for the main course; plain, dull, microwave reheat of previously cooked food-job, then waited forever for the bill. I went to the bar to pay the damn bill, and some
hotel guests were complaining that their expensive and posh room that they'd just checked into had dirty sheets with blood on them. Nice.

A place to avoid.
( drunkenoaf, Fri 28 Apr 2006, 16:08, Reply)

Nightmare!
My (now ex) husband & I went for a night away at a hotel in the New Forest. We had a lovely room, and it all seemed quite nice until we came to eat. The food at dinner was pretty non-descript, but livened up by seemingly incessant plate smashing from the hilariously incompetent waitresses who seemed to be either 16 or 65+.

Best of all came at breakfast. The menu offered eggs done in a variety of ways so I chose boiled - they arrived rolling freely around on the plate. My suggestion that egg cups might be a good idea was met with a blank look from the spotty youth who was serving. We then tucked into the pile of toast served in a basket only to discover that all but the top slice was burned to a crisp. When we pointed it out to said spotty youth he replied with one word - "Nightmare!". It became a bit of a catchphrase for a while.
(I Love Your Shoes, Fri 28 Apr 2006, 15:57, Reply)

food good - music bad
For a friends birthday we went to a tapa's reataurant and the food was really good (except for the friend eggplant with honey, which was divine).

However they had live music.
It was two women dressed in black singning very angery spanish songs. I dont really know what they sang (no habla) but it just sounded like a musical bitchfest. The whole restaurant went silent and people shuffeld in their seats uncomfortably.

I'm guessing in a different context the music would have been ok, but try to eat while being stared down by two spanish ladies musically blaming you for everything ...

It was worse then the one time i went out with my parents and and a woman dressed in black played keyboard and sang Elvis songs Jazz style.
(bovine intervention, Fri 28 Apr 2006, 15:54, Reply)

Numerous
times I have been to dinner and something has gone wrong...which I generally don't get too bothered about as it normally results in a free meal.....just like last Thursday.

New boyfriend and I went out to dinner which was all very good. Wine was nice, Olives fantastic. Being vege. I opted for the er....vegetarian option. Clearly, the chef at this restaurant thinks his customers are blind. Eating my meal to find slices of parma ham hidden amongst the mix. 'Oh dear, free meal I think'. The waitress takes the food back to the kitchen and then brings it back, minus the parma ham with a message that I must be blind because (the now devoid of the offending article) ham was never in there in the first place. It was a sun dried tomato. So he tried to say.

Lets just say, the waitress was laughed at and we didn't pay for the meal.

The fact that I then ended up with an awful migrane that lasted 3 days is a different story.

Sorry its not funny. But then the many past weeks QOTW hasn't been either.
(Oops....did I say that out loud cos I really bloody want to., Fri 28 Apr 2006, 15:51, Reply)

Pub joy
Went for a "pub lunch" at a local grimy town centre pub where the usual food that got ordered was a bowl of curly chips covered in cheese and bacon (which though heart-attack inducing was rather nice).

This time, I was feeling healthy so I went for some mushroom & stilton thing on a toasted bagel type affair. Imagine my surprise when some half cooked mushrooms turned up, on a piece of toasted kingsmill, covered in pepper sauce (like you have on a steak. Yum). Ate it and didn't complain (probably should have) and wasn't ill, so there was no loss there.

Also went for a curry once where there was a large number of us and the staff decided to serve us in three sections, with food coming in three goes with an hour's wait between each. Which was nice.
( milkybarnick is calming down Boris on, Fri 28 Apr 2006, 15:44, Reply)

For those of you who know South Yorkshire pretty well
There is a restaurant known as Damon's, near Beighton. Overpriced cack. But this is not the subject of my story.

I was 10 years old, and I was in Egypt for my Dad's wedding. I was best man no less! Anyways, we decided to eat out one evening. The "restaurant" will forever be burned into my memory, as at first I thought it was a zoo and a restaurant. Ah, childish naivety. They were keeping the animals "fresh" as it were. It didn't quite enter my mind that the pretty doves were being taken out of their cages to be killed right then and there for the meals. Until I was told, and then happily tucked into my food anyways. Thing was, they even had a bloody huge python in one of the cages... I ordered dove, by the way. Little feathered bastard gave me the trots too.
( jim_bob can herd cats., Fri 28 Apr 2006, 15:41, Reply)

what IS the deal with airline food?
Last summer, I went to visit some friends in San Francisco (I live in New Jersey.) I took an early flight- it left at about 7AM, meaning I had been up since about 4:30 getting ready and getting to the airport. Once we were all settled in the plane, I started to get hungry. At 8:30AM, they came around with our breakfast. I had ordered the vegan meal, as there was no 'vegetarian' option. Everyone around me was tucking in to their egg sandwiches (which I very well would have eaten.) I receive a tray with a tinfoil parcel, accompanied by a small bagel with margarine and jam. The parcel had a familiar smell...

Curry.

They gave me a curry for breakfast- potatoes, peas, soggy pappadums, the lot. With a bagel and jam, and coffee. Now, I love curry as much as the next girl, but honestly, not at 8:30AM when I hadn't even been drinking the night before.
(emgee, Fri 28 Apr 2006, 15:36, Reply)

Flowery twats
During the 70s, the scars family went for lunch at a Devon hotel. Us lads and Dad had sarnies/sausage and chips sort of thing, and Mum ordered pizza.

Meal arrives. Our stuff is OK, not great. Mum's pizza is six square inches of flaky pastry with tomato sauce and a COLD slice of mousetrap. Mum asks the waitress what it is.

"It's pizza"

"This isn't pizza, it's rubbish and you can take it away"

5 minutes later, landlord comes out.

"What seems to be the problem, modom?"

"I sent the pizza back because it wasn't pizza."

"And how would you know?"

"BECAUSE I'VE TRAVELLED THROUGH THREE CONTINENTS, AND I'VE NEVER COME ACROSS AN IGNORANT SWINE LIKE YOU BEFORE."
(all my scars face forward possesses 2.5% of a hyperalloy combat chassis, Fri 28 Apr 2006, 15:30, Reply)

Just last week infact.
The oldest wanted to go to london for a couple of days sight seeing for her tenth birthday last week. So we booked a couple of days down there from the BH monday onwards.
Her birthday was on the tues and we headed down to regent street to let her select which dodgy themed place she wanted to celebrate her birthday. She chose TGI fridays. Now I've nothing against these places as you generally get a decent burger and friendly enough service and it gives me a chance to get drunk whilst out with the missus and kids. Things didn't go well from the start.......

They didn't have any draught beer as a kick off so we had to drink bottles at 3.20 a pop. HMMMMMM. We also had a bunch of leary drunken business types who were smashed on the two for one cocktails at the bar and may aswell have been sitting in the no smoking section that we were in whilst they chain smoked. Then my burger arrived that was supposed to have onion rings but actually had 'rings of onion'. When questioned the waiter assured me that this was correct. The burgers also looked about as good as the 2.99 ones from the Sizzler chain of pubs. Not good for 10 quid a pop. We were kepy waiting for ages aswell due to our waiter arsing about with a table of girls rather than doing his job. And the portion of beans that youngest was supposed to get arrived after he'd finished his meal. Top!. This might not all sound to bad but we'd spent the days before being turned away from decent estabilshments because we had the kids with us and I was well pee'd off that we were being rail roaded into having to dine in these rip off joints.

To top it all off. We decided to return to the hotel and get some beer from an off licence on the way. The guy behind the till obviously had a 'tourist' button on there and tried to charge us 13 quid for 8 cans of fosters. Tosser!
( Evil Bastardo, Fri 28 Apr 2006, 15:19, Reply)

Underpants curry
A curry house in Bristol that was well liked by students and locals alike got into the local papers. Can't remember the name of the place, this was about 13 years ago.

The health and safety inspectors did a suprise visit to their kitchens. And found a foreign object in the plastic bin they stored vegetables in. It was a pair of Y Fronts. A 'soiled' pair of Y Fronts.

Mmm, poo-ey vegetables.
(fried gold, Fri 28 Apr 2006, 15:19, Reply)

its not funny
I took my mom and dad out for a real student experience, since usually they take me out to someplace i cannot afford.
Now this place is fun if you're with your mates:
the food is good and very reasonably priced, the drink is not too expensive. The staff is overworked (they only have like 2 waitresses and its always full) and sometimes rude but that is not a problem since you eat your dinner and drink a lot.....

When i took my parents the boss wasnt in.

Instead there was some nasty fat guy seeing over said overworked staff. Then their computer broke.

Now we didnt know this. So after waiting for 20 min for our drinks and for someone to take our order we were again asked if we'd like a drink and the menu. We ordered again and than waited again. And again.
I dont even remember if they managed to get us food, i do remember the nasty fat guy telling me to shut up and sit down when i went to complain. The thing is my parents didnt want a scene, and like i said the italian family that own Mr.Jacks was out.

I really regret not getting the fat fuck fired
(bovine intervention, Fri 28 Apr 2006, 15:19, Reply)

The culinary joy of Aberystwyth University
Anyone who's ever eaten at Branwen's will know of the pain I describe - Am I the only one who ate the ribs? Well, I say "ate", I mean "looked with horror on the bits of skin clinging grimly to the bones floating in grease". Not so much a meal as a vulture-ravaged month-old desert corpse.

Another meal I try not to remember comes from the worrying (albeit semi-comatose) mind of a colleague by the name of Sleepy Nick. Being a year older than the rest of us in res (and therefore wiser, right?), I actually listened to his recommendation of gravy and pasta...Suffice to say I regret it still. Damn you Sleepy.
(Cheesecake Like a cake...But cheese, Fri 28 Apr 2006, 15:04, Reply)

Bloody tourists
Driving trip in the yellowcar with a group of others through France, stop at small cafe on the outskirts of a village.

A couple of the party unknowingly order that poo sausage stuff.

Waitress comes over.

"Are you sure you want that it made from guts ?" In pretty good English.

Another choice was made very quickly
(Yellow Car is now red, Fri 28 Apr 2006, 15:02, Reply)

Beefy
While in a pub in Edinburgh, we ordered burgers. Typical, crappy, pub burgers.

When we received them however - they were suspiciously pink and cold. This was due to the chef being off ill, and the only person available to do the cooking was the Portugese barman.

Now, serving the beefburger may be fine in other countries, where the meat is, say, made of cow. Here however in the wonderful country of the United Kingdom, we expect our burgers to be a little more rustic. Dog snouts and children's fingers.

We sent that burger back double quick!
( Theoban What of it, Fri 28 Apr 2006, 14:59, Reply)

Kebab Shop Horror
At my local kebab shop up north. I used to go in quite regularly, usually early in the evening. I got to know the people who worked there and would usually chat for ten mintues or so before ordering.

The owner was telling me he had to let the police through the back. There was a large service and delivery area behind the shops and the main gate was locked. A stray dog had got in there and couldn't get out.

Young couple walk in and are looking at the pizza menu. Just as...

Policeman walks round from the back of the shop carrying a sad looking labrador:

"Large donner please with lots of chilli sauce" I said, just as he walked past the pizza couple.

They were still open mouthed and hadn't moved as I carried my food parcel out a few minutes later...
(Yellow Car is now red, Fri 28 Apr 2006, 14:58, Reply)

More Poo Sausage
Actually, beebolbod, andouillette is a sausage that is made from "tripe" (more or less - it's actually chitterlings, which is effectively intestines).

Here's someone who had a similar pleasant experience with andouillette:

mcmuffin.co.uk/mr_and_mrs_mcmuffin/2005/10/andouillette.html
(Steve The Monkey, Fri 28 Apr 2006, 14:53, Reply)

thank GOD i remembered this one!!!
i declare every word of this is true.

the time-2.30am
the place-"best kebab house" woking
when i was 19........
being rat arsed i was naturally unimpressed with the qualitly of my "lamb" (tasted like fannies) kebab. i complained. they said i was i was just pissed and looking for trouble. that riled me instantly. i said, "fine mate,my mistake mate, its fine" cue smarmy grin from turkish cunt.. i bin the kebeb, and walk to the shitty little bog with the wooden door. i then proceed to send high velocty liquid scat in the sink and on the taps. (i've always got the shits you see) then my mate ben who'd been in the shop opposite came in, i staggered over, hugged him, and whispered, "ben mate, don't say anything, dont draw any attention to yourself, just go to the bog, lock yourself in, and look in the sink. ben nodded and staggered, pissed, into the bog. the door locked, followed by this frantic door scratching panic of ben leaving the bog at mach one screaming at the top of his voice in between bouts of laughing, "KYLE YOU DIRTY FUCKING CUNT YOU'VE SHAT IN THE SINK HAVENT YOU!!!!" "YEA!! WINNER!!" was my reply.

to this day, 2 years on, turkish cunt still glares at me when i walk past.
(mr kyle he's a silly bastard, the one who posted before me, Fri 28 Apr 2006, 14:40, Reply)

Meat in france
The french do not have the same idea what 'medium' means when cooking meat. After ordering the duck breast in a restaurant in sothern france, i was presented with my 'medium' cooked duck breast. Two things immediately struck me 1) It was so rare it was probably still capable of swimming in the nearby fish tank. 2) It was suspiciously large, so much so i am convinced it was from a goose, or it was several pigeons glued together. After asking for the meal to be cooked a little more it was returned slightly warmer with the salad and chips still soaking in the blood from beforehand, went home and had a pizza, spot on
(el perro grande, Fri 28 Apr 2006, 14:34, Reply)

Ooh! Ooh! I've got one, pick me! Pick me!
I had a meal with my ex-girlfriend in a pub one weekend, no special occasion or anything, just stopped off to eat.

Anyway, we were served by this girl who was about 15, very very shy to the point of being annoying ("Is everything okay?" every 5 minutes, etc).

But my favourite bit was when we asked what kind of fish was in one of the dishes.
"I'll ask the chef" she said, and toddled off to the kitchen, only to sheepishly return a few minutes later and say "Sorry, but chef says he doesn't know, as the packet only says fish, not what kind. It's white though, if that helps you?"

Splendid.
(Professor Kenny Martin Hmm? What?, Fri 28 Apr 2006, 14:33, Reply)

You've been SLIMED
Being both omnivorous and a great lover of variety, I have a tendency to order randomly off menus, especially when they're in a foreign language to start with. This backfired on me most spectacularly one Saturday afternoon at Yaohan Plaza in Colindale when I ordered from a Thai stand at the food court what appeared to be chicken in phlegm.

It looked completely disgusting, I swear the same sauce was used by the special effects guys as ectoplasm when filming Ghostbusters. Viscous and transparent is NOT a great combination.

I tried eating it, on the grounds it couldn't possibly taste as bad as it looked, but I was so distracted by the way it looked that even with my eyes closed I felt I was eating something a giant had sneezed onto my plate. I had to give up, and have been much more cautious ordering thai food ever since.
( wangmaster2000, Fri 28 Apr 2006, 14:32, Reply)

being a dumbass
This isn't quite what the question asked, more the opposite. The meal was lovely, it was the customer that was crap, namely, me...

Me and the girlfriend decide to go out for a curry at a wonderful Indian, where the food is always excepional and the service lovely.

As always, we start with poppadoms. As you probably all know, when you have poppadoms they bring out some sauces in a fancy holder that spins round so you can get to each sauce. In this case there were 4 sauces; mango chutney, yogurty stuff, some hot stuff, and a watery brown sauce, which I think had something to do with grapes...

Anyway, the girlfriend and I are chatting and I start to absent-mindedly play with the top of the sauce tray, and find that if I spin the top a bit, the whole thing willspin rather nicely, and if you let go it would keep spinning rather satisfactorally for 10-20 seconds.

After about a minute of doing this, I'm back chatting intently with the girlfriend, but still absently spinning the sauce tray.

It is then I notice a streaking effect out of the corner of my eye and turn to see that the grape like sauce is streaming out of it's tray on to the table making a perfect large brown circle on the table cloth.

I kept it covered with a napkin for most of the meal, but I never forget the slightly shocked, slightly confused look on the waiters face when he took everything away at the end of the meal, and saw the new circle design on his table cloth...
(stubbledchin, Fri 28 Apr 2006, 14:23, Reply)

not quite a meal out but..
my mum is a scouser, which means she's thick and can't do many things right.

once when i was about 14 or so,my dad was away overnight for some reason. which was bad, as my mum couldnt cook. at all. she wouldnt trust me or my brother to either. so she tried egg fried rice and faggots. UGH. she boiled the rice and put some egg-whites in. she then hideously under cooked the faggots, carbonised on the outside, frosty meat in the middle. needless to say my brother and i took one look at each other, and decided on wagon wheels instaed. i tried a bit for a laugh, and the next morning i shat hell through my guts.

apologies for crap content and length. your all beautiful people. thanks


OH YEA- (not taking the piss by asking my own little qotw here but)IS IT TRUE PEOPLE GOB IN THE BURGERS??? i know some bird got facial herpese from the guildford branch of burger king. a bicuit game was going on in the back room, but with a burger...
(mr kyle he's a silly bastard, the one who posted before me, Fri 28 Apr 2006, 14:13, Reply)

i worked at mcdonalds once
i used to make the chilled orange juice with a carton of minute maid and stir it with my arm.

MY ARM. right up to the elbow.

so if you had orange juice at the burton mcdonalds and it had a hair in it, im sorry....

but it was shit and i hated it.

(edit - to bring this back on topic, you could eat there for free in your lunch break. feckin horrible after the novelty wares off)
(magictorch, Fri 28 Apr 2006, 14:13, Reply)

Snail Porridge.
'Nuff said.
( Laughing Boy, Fri 28 Apr 2006, 14:07, Reply)

Odd Indian Hand Massage
A few weeks ago me and the Mrs went to our local Indian to eat. All evening the waiters were shouting at each other which was quite funny in itself.

The very odd bit came when they brought out the obligitory hot towels. Instead of handing my wife hers, this lanky scary looking waiter told her to hold out her hand and then proceded to give her a hand massage through the hot towel. We both looked at him in complete confusion; what was the dirty old bugger doing? He only did it on the one hand mind.

I personally think that he was trying the pinch her wedding ring.
(Tom Jones's Mojo Hasn't had any since, Fri 28 Apr 2006, 14:04, Reply)

Vomiting and Chinese Rudeness
I have two.

First of all, I was taken out to a very nice thai resturant. I was very excited about it, and spent a good 2 hours dolling myself up. I'd been suffering a bit with an ear infection, usual painkillers weren't really doing the job so I approached my father for advice/money for super powered Nurofen.
"I've got just the thing" said father, and opened a bottle of the pills he had been PRESCRIBED for his ARTHRITIC HIP. Think for a second here about the difference between an achy ear and a full on crumbling to bits hip. Unquestioningly I ate the pill. On an empty stomach.
Into the restuarant, me in my very posh ladies dress with hair all looking neat and lovely. We order about £80 of food (a ludicrously large amount of cash to me anyway). I think I got about a quarter of the way through a really delicious prawn temupra thing before I had to run off to the toilets to vomit my guts up. (Apparently the horse tranquiliser I'd eaten should've been taken with food). The evening ended with me in bed, drinking a bovril, having touched about £1 worth of all that food. Nothing to do with the restuarant itself, but still classed as a crap meal out.

The next story is the fault of the restuarant. A whole bunch of friends went up to London for cocktails, a chinese and clubbing, as it was someone's 40th. We downed a few cocktails and found some resturant in Soho. It was the worst service ever, ever. EVER. The waiter showed us into a back room that had school dinner type tables with the Christmas decorations still up (it was July). He took our order with a FAG on. Hat off! Threw the plates and cutlery on the table in front of us for us to distribute ourselves. Blinder! the food was passable, not worth the money but no one got poisoned. Having had a few I found it hilarious. The best bit was trying to order more booze, he actually rolled his eyes and bought the bottles of wine out without removing the corks. Good work sir!
(Vernie, Fri 28 Apr 2006, 14:01, Reply)

Shock
One time, I was given a soup spoon with which to eat my desert - what's with you people ?????

/lurk
(james_tiger_woods is going to start his killing spree on the, Fri 28 Apr 2006, 13:57, Reply)

And as for France...
...don't get me started. Fucking French :/
(thatblokeoverthere not quite as much an arsehole as I thought, Fri 28 Apr 2006, 13:40, Reply)