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This is a question Dad Jokes

We want to know the lame jokes your Dad makes. E.g. On your mum putting the roast on the table, "All for me? What are you going to eat?" On writing you a cheque for £350, "Three pound fifty? That's cheap." - What are the frankly rubbish gags your dad cracks again and again? WARNING: If you become a dad you'll be doing this stuff too.

(, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 2:09)
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This question is now closed.

Whenever it rains...
...my dad says 'Oh, it's Miss Thistledown.' Apparently this sounds like 'it's pissing down.' He sometimes says 'the angels are piddling again.'

Not only did he use the pull finger=parp joke on me, he would ask me to hold out my hand because he wanted to give me something, then would put a freshly rolled bogey in my upturned palm. To this day I am afraid to shake his hand.

One more, my dad has this perculiar habit of mispronouncing everyone's name. For instance, Stephen is Stefan, Nadine is Nardine and Alex is Alec. Christ alone knows why he does this, but it seems an incurable disorder.

I love my old man, but he is a strange old scrote.
(, Fri 12 Dec 2003, 10:42, Reply)
just for the pot..
When I was a kid, dad used to take me to Poole where he'd spend a good hour or so looking at the top shelf periodicals in WHSmiths so I'd go and have a nosey about at the kids pens, etc.

When he was done, he'd stand peering over the plinths and shelves calling my name at the top of his voice "DANIEL, where are yooooou?" it was sooo fcuking annoying and embarassing to boot.

Another of his v.poor gags which was funny as a kid, but not so there after, when the old abbey national advert was on TV, u know the one that goes "Get with the abbey habbit" he's say "fcuk a nunn.." god..

Another of my dads favourites was he'd sing "what's got a hazelnut in every bite?"
and we'd reply.. "Squirrel sh1t"

And to the day, when he calls me up on the telephone he says "Hellow, this is your father speaking.." Like i know who the hell it is.. sad thing about it is that my dad's partially deaf and I tend to mimic this and the way he says it.. i've found myself calling home and saying to my wife, "Hello, this is your husband speaking"... quite sad i know..

my next door neighbours dad richard, says this.

Me: Actually I was thinking about.....


Whilst talking and dropping in a word perfectly innocently which can be interpreted as a double-entendre he says

"dont be coarse!!!"
(, Fri 12 Dec 2003, 10:41, Reply)
My Dad has said this joke to everyone that has darkened his doorstep at some point in the past thirty years. It was one reason for me to leave, and a surefire advertisement for euthanasia.

The 'gag' goes summat like this:

Dad: Miss Wong split up with her boyfriend. She went back to Peking... (my cynical comment: Beijing, duh!) He went back to Wan king.

Absolutely shagging hilarious after the 97th telling, trust me on this...
(, Fri 12 Dec 2003, 10:09, Reply)
Not really a joke, or (strictly) my Dad
but seeing as other seem to be posting accidental Dad humour, then why the hell not?

People of the older generation are of course funny, especially when, unaccustomed to the Way in which Young People Speak, they hilariously juxtapose words to create shiny new meanings. Which are, inevitably, even funnier when rude.

My step-dad is the kind of person who refers to postmen (people ) as "posty", so one morning, as I was innocently tucking my Corn Flakes, enter Step-dad in search of milk.

Says he "Milky come this morning?".

It is I think to my eternal credit that I only raised my eyebrows slightly.
(, Fri 12 Dec 2003, 10:00, Reply)
Am I wrong?
When seeing a cake

"Is that a cake or a meringue - no, I'm right it is a cake"

You have to say it with a Galsgow accent - but it doesn't really make it funny...
(, Fri 12 Dec 2003, 9:43, Reply)
As an impending dad I'm trying to remember
all the crap my own dear papa came out with. Most of them weren't jokes, just outright lies. Sadly, being a gullible child I told my history teacher all about how my grandad was a caveman and ate dinosaurs etc. How we all laughed.

My FinL is a comic genius and has all his kids trained to the point that youngest daughter stitched up a doctor in A&E despite large amounts of pain. After having her broken wrist attended to the tearful 5 year old asked "Will I be able to play piano when it's better?"

"Of course you will." said the reasuring doc.

"Fantastic, I couldn't before!"

Oh lordy, yes!
(, Fri 12 Dec 2003, 9:25, Reply)
my dad has so many stupid jokes they are impossible to recount but he does have some really shit ones.

When some one starts a sentence at with "I thought...." he cuts in with "You know what thought thought". If anyone out there has any idea what this means it would be nice.

Also, if you happen to say "I was gonna force..." or something involving force he will always quip: "A man forced his pig and it died"


That and when you ask him why he will always and without fail tell you it's cos theres no hairs on a penguins chest
(, Fri 12 Dec 2003, 8:49, Reply)
Family member burping, elicits following ditty:
"Pardon me, it was not me,
just my food popped up to say hello,
now its gone back down below."

Also my Mum went to school in Plymouth - a Girl's school on Salisbury Road. It is always refered to as "Salisbury Road Special School".

There is a park in Poole, Dorset with a large pond. Dad must call it "Poo Leee Park".

Mum on the beach is refered to as "Queen Leftertitti of Looe" (Looe is in Cornwall).
(, Fri 12 Dec 2003, 8:40, Reply)
I thought it was just my Dad that made the "all for me" gag
Anyone "Put the kettle on, I fancy a cuppa"
My Dad "Do you think it'll suit me?"

Anyone "Put the cat out"
My Dad "I didn't realise it was on fire"

His favourite joke is the man walks into an iron bar/ouch one......
(, Fri 12 Dec 2003, 8:33, Reply)
Ugh... dad jokes
Most of my dad's weirdness involves doing chores. If I don't want to do something, I am told to "act enthusiastic and you'll be enthusiastic." If I'm working slowly, I'm told that "twice the speed is half the time." Talking and working at the same time elicits a rebuke of "your gums are flapping."

(, Fri 12 Dec 2003, 8:07, Reply)
Not one of my dad's, this one, as I haven't got one,
but of the same ilk...

A friend of mine specializes in dad-type jokes. Example:

We'd been out drinking heavily one Friday night. Saturday morning, 7am, he rings me up. I answer the phone with pained hungover grunt.

"Not feeling too well, Becks?" he chimes. "You want to get yourself some shut-eye!"

This and many others have led me to put 12,000 miles between us.
(, Fri 12 Dec 2003, 6:16, Reply)
Another one: He's always asking me how long I've been talking to myself. The sad thing is that he's not joking...
(, Fri 12 Dec 2003, 5:26, Reply)
Always says "Hello, Statue?" on the phone. It was funny when I was about five, but now it's just annoying. And another thing, he's a machinist so when I was younger, 4 or something, he would always come home with cuts on his hands and I'd call them "egg yolk". It was odd, and my mum didn't know what the hell I was talking about. XD w00 for ranting
bye all,
(, Fri 12 Dec 2003, 5:15, Reply)
Gool Ol' Dad
Shortly after Halloween one year, we found ourselves to be stuck with a rather large tube of fake blood. It didn't take my dad long to try out some of his prop comicness on us while we we watching TV.

Once a commercial rudely interrupted Tom and Jerry, my Dad emerged from his bedroom with his hands clasped together. He told us that he had caught a fairy that was flying around the house, and was about to show it to us when suddenly blood began spurting from between his fingers. We shreiked along with Dad as he opened his hands to reveal the carnage, which became rapidly obvious that it was fake blood.

The worst part of it was that he repeated this joke no less than 3 more times, apparently unaware that children develop memory at a very young age. Maybe he just wanted to get rid of the tube.
(, Fri 12 Dec 2003, 1:45, Reply)
When seeing a female jogger
in the eighties, my dad would shout "There she goes.... bouncy bouncy bouncy"

Ye gods
(, Fri 12 Dec 2003, 1:35, Reply)
Just remembered more
My dad goes swimming every other day for excercise. If he meets somebody on the way out there that just finished, he'll ask them if the water was wet. Similarly, if anybody asks him how the water is, he replies "Wet."

He's also very fond of the term "a trainwreck of flavors", and likes to make jokes about the proper thing to do according to Miss Manners.
(, Fri 12 Dec 2003, 0:27, Reply)
Yet another
"I'm on a special seafood diet. I see food and I eat it."

Whenever we drive by a graveyard - "You know, that place is pretty popular. People are just dying to get in there."

If you complain that your food is too hot - "Well, it's no good cold!"

After a big meal - "If you walked away hungry, it's your own fault!"
(, Fri 12 Dec 2003, 0:20, Reply)
please. god. let it go.
on getting up before twelve. "what's up? is there a war on?"

Just because he's got a ***kin' bladder problem, I reckon!
(, Fri 12 Dec 2003, 0:14, Reply)
another dadism
this is mainly towards my mother.

"Would i ever lie to you *Dramatic pause* gorgeous"

oh the wit
(, Thu 11 Dec 2003, 23:54, Reply)
quite witty
my dad is quite witty... or at least thats what we tell him.

apart from the ovious saying "pardon" or "what" to any remark to do with lack of hearing.

my dad said the following after watching a tv program about the human body:
"do you know how to make a hormone?"-dad
"no. how" - guliable old me
"dont pay her" -dad

how we laughed for hours.... espically my girlfriend
(, Thu 11 Dec 2003, 23:46, Reply)
Without exception
Upon going to see my parents, quick as a flash comes the quip from my dad:

"I'm ashamed I spawned such an embarrassing failure."

Always raises a chuckle.
(, Thu 11 Dec 2003, 23:23, Reply)
My Dad has an awful habit of embarrassing the whole family in restaurants, usually by speaking loudly about coupons that would get us a free meal in the same restaurant.

I remember one time when we were in a Chinese restaurant and the lady offered him a hot lemon towel, to which he replied "No thank you, I'm full". That same day was my birthday, so all the waitresses were being very nice to me. Once the nice Chinese girl had gone, my Dad managed to blurt out in a very loud voice "I think she fancies you!" ... she was stood right behind him, and said "No! Noooo!"

I almost died that time.

... and my Dad's favourite joke: How do you get Pikachu on a bus? You Poke-him-on.

Oh the hilarity.
(, Thu 11 Dec 2003, 22:58, Reply)
3 of his favourites
Anyone that wants to get past him when he's clogging up the passageway: 'Scuse me.
Dad: Why, what've you done?

When walking through shops, I'd have to take massive detours to avoid coming anywhere near any girls clothes, or he'd pick up a frilly dress ment for a 6yr old and attempt to hold it against me saying "this'd look nice on you Michael".

And lastly, he will insist on trying to make me hold his hand when crossing zebra crossings.

Needless to say, the last 2 were funny when I was small, very funny when I was a teenager, and absolutely hilarious now I'm 26, engaged and living in my own house.


My fiancee's step-dad convinced her that pork pies were made from dead animals from the zoo ("the grey bits are rhinos!"). She couldn't eat pork pie for years, while he would tuck in, occasionally exclaiming "oh look, there's a bit of giraffe".
(, Thu 11 Dec 2003, 22:13, Reply)

Dad: mumbles something
You: What?
Dad: Is a card game.

short pause

You: Bastard.
(, Thu 11 Dec 2003, 22:10, Reply)
Dad: [mumbling] Tickle my arse with a feather.
Victim of Dad Joke: [confused] What?
Dad: I said, 'particularly nasty weather.'

Edit: My dad repeated this so often that I didn't realise it was a joke, I thought it was normal to randomly come out with non sequiturs like that. As many children do, I tried to follow my father's good example...
Me: [at junior school, loud and clear] Tickle my arse with a feather.
Teacher: What was that?!?
Me: I said, bad weather we're having lately.
A letter was sent to my parents.

Dad: "It's crackers to slip a rozza the dropsy in snide."
VoDJ: [confused] What?
No explanation was ever made for this paternal outburst.

Soon-to-be VoDJ: D'you know what?
Dad: Yes, he invented the steam engine.

Dad: [mumbling through beard/coffee/toast] Murmble urmurmble
Dad: Don't say 'what', say 'pardon.'
STBVODJ: OK. Pardon?
Dad: Granted.
(, Thu 11 Dec 2003, 21:59, Reply)
Upon receiving turnip with his Sunday lunches...
... well that's a turnip for the books *faux surprised expression*

(, Thu 11 Dec 2003, 20:55, Reply)
on spotting a policeman
grabs you round the neck and says 'It's ok officer, I've got him, I've got him, he's here'....
(, Thu 11 Dec 2003, 20:46, Reply)
When's we walk past someone washing their car
my dad says "you can do mine next, if you want".
(, Thu 11 Dec 2003, 20:27, Reply)

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