The best thing about being a grown-up.
Not being scared of the dark.

I love being able to wander about my house without having to switch every light on.

Of course this doesn't work if I've watched The Exorcist. Then I resort back to an 8 year old who just watched The Goonies.

*Line breaks brought to you by 'I'm fucking old and I can post how I want.*
( girlinthehole, Thu 23 Jul 2009, 17:36, 3 replies)

being a bit of a stoner
darkness for me is coupled with paranoia. i've almost shat myself a number of times. these include:

hearing a loud thud on my bedroom door about 4 a.m. there was no-one there, my front door was locked, but i swear there was a boot-print on the bedroom door.

due to a cardigan sliding off its coat hanger in my wardrobe, i got freaked out and convinced myself someone or something was coming out of the wardrobe to get me. i took down the washing line, used it to tie the wardrobe doors closed, then went back to sleep.

heard a noise outside the front door at about 2 a.m.
went to look what it was and saw a hand coming through the letterbox, reaching up to try to unlock the door. i had a fork in my hand(i had the munchies and was eating noodles), so i crept up and jabbed the encroaching hand with it. there was the muffled sound of someone large and male saying "fuck!" and then some running.
spent the rest of the night wide awake, clutching a huge butcher's knife.

most recently, i heard someone trying to get into my flat through the living room window at about 3.30 a.m. i'm in a downstairs flat these days, so i peeked through the bedroom blinds and could just make out a shadowy shape outside. i phoned the police straight away and, fair enough, they were here within 10 minutes. they didn't find anyone, but i leave my living room light on all night now.
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Thu 23 Jul 2009, 17:22, 14 replies)

The Dark And The Cat
Pets. Who would have them? They smell, bring in dead things and generally make your life mildly more aggravating.

So when you need to get up for a midnight wander and you sense something incredibly wrong do remind yourself that it is your own fault.

The number of times I've been attacked by a slinky, furry, monstrous black and white bastard is just ridiculous. Stand-out memories include

1. Having her launch at my shoulders from *somewhere* above.

2. Tripping over her prone body and wrecking my knee on the edge of a door.

3. Seeing the cat fast asleep in the cupboard I wandered silently and quickly to the kitchen and opened the fridge door to hear "Mrow?". To look downwards was to look upon the most pathetic face in the world. So when she hooked my ankle with her claws for not giving her some cold meat I just had to close my eyes and say "It's my fault."
(DeactivateThisDisaster No., Thu 23 Jul 2009, 17:21, 2 replies)

The Dark
She never saw it coming.
(Doogie Talons, Thu 23 Jul 2009, 17:17, Reply)

Damn the Dark
It had been a great night. Alcohol had been consumed in vast quantities, cigarettes had been smoked in abundance, and rug had been cut on the dance floor.
‘What would really top this night off’, I thought to myself, my drunk thoughts tripping over themselves, ‘would be a shag. A sweaty, lust-filled, over-in-minutes, shag’.
Fortunately, I had made it to the relative safety of my home with two girls, Nancy and Lisa, who I had been with all night as part of a large group of friends. Unfortunately, they were only with me as they had travelled from Cardiff (I live in Bucks) and they needed somewhere to crash for the night, and they had made it perfectly clear that they were up for no naughtiness (especially with me).

We’d been sat around on sofas in my front room for half an hour or so, the girls wrapped up in duvets whilst I ate a greasy kebab (fnarr!); and all the while I was trying to charm the two Welsh ladies into bed but they were having none of it. They were both tired, and had started to sober up slightly so my chances of a quick fumble with either girl had all but vanished. Then talk turned to ghost stories. Lisa started off with a story about her local church being haunted and that she’d actually seen a ghost there. Nancy got scared by this, and pulled up her duvet around her neck.

“Please don’t talk about ghosts”, she said quietly, “I won’t be able to sleep, especially in the dark”. Lisa and I laughed and carried on regardless, talking about various clips and stories we’d seen on the internet. As we went on, I could see Nancy literally start shaking with fear, her eyes filling up with tears.

“Guys, seriously, I’ll need the lights on now otherwise I won’t be able to sleep on my own” she said, pleadingly. My drunken brain hatched a plan. I’d cut the electric, plunging the house into darkness, and Nancy would have to have someone in bed with her. That someone would be me.
I excused myself and went to the kitchen and flicked the switch on the circuit breaker. Everything went dark; lights went out, the TV went off and the kettle stopped boiling. The only thing that broke the tranquility of the dark was the screams emanating from the front room. Nancy and Lisa were shrieking.

“It’s ok, it’s just a power cut”, I shouted as I returned, feeling along the walls to aid me. “Happens all the time round here”, I lied.
========== =========== ============== ================== ========================== ====================

Lisa and Nancy lay side by side on the King size bed, with me on the outside next to Lisa, wearing just my underwear. Nancy had point-blankly refused to sleep in the room I had provided and Lisa was also too scared to be left alone. The dark has a habit of playing tricks with people’s minds, it amplifies the vulnerability of situations, and this had played to my advantage. All the talk of ghosts, and now the ‘power cut’ had scared the girls quite splendidly, and they wanted me around to ‘protect them’.

As we lay in pitch black darkness, the only sounds I could hear was the soft breathing of the girls, and the clock ticking on my wall. I didn’t know if either Lisa or Nancy were awake, the conversation had died out 20 or so minutes earlier, but I did know that I was horny. Their sweet, fruity perfume tickled my nostrils as I inhaled, and in moments my gristle truncheon was standing proud as I thought of undressing each girl slowly and having my wicked way with them. I tucked my bobbing member under the elastic of my boxers, keeping it flat against me so that Lisa would not bump into it. I would not have minded if she did, but I didn’t want her to think I was some sort of sexual pervert. I wanted to play it cool.

I lay silently for what must have been about 10 minutes, fighting the urge to start kissing Lisa on the small of her back. I wanted her to roll over and feel my erection and get turned on, getting carried away with the situation, so we could hump like animals throughout the night. ‘Nancy would join in’, I thought. ‘Yeah, she definitely would. First she’d play with herself and then she’d join in’. We would wake in a sticky, sweaty mess, holding each other, and start all over again.

Then I farted. It was a loud, reverberating fart, that if I hadn’t been in the company of two females, I would have been proud of. I would have laughed at it. It was a kebab-backed, deep, meaty fart; a hearty *pop*, like a shotgun. My guts twisted and churned and I placed my hands on my stomach as if to hold any further anal explosions in. Luckily, Nancy and Lisa didn’t say anything; their breathing remained constant – I hadn’t been heard. My bowels felt like they were rolling over in my belly, as my sphincter clenched tightly. ‘Dodgy kebab’ I muttered and I got up out of bed to feel my way to the toilet. As it was a cold night, I reached down for my dressing gown, dressed and crept slowly and silently out of the bedroom, being careful not to stride too far in fear of fecal matter seeping from my anus. The relief as I sat on the porcelain throne was instant. Vile smelling, sticky fluid poured from my back passage, hitting the water with a great force causing splash-back. It tickled slightly. The stench was putrid. Once I was sure I was empty, I wiped and went back the bedroom, where the girls were still asleep, whimpering quietly to myself.

The next thing I knew, it was morning. I had fallen asleep and missed my chance. I woke to glorious sunlight seeping through the curtains. Nancy and Lisa were still in bed, talking about the night before.

“Morning ladies, fancy a cuppa? I should be able to find the emergency backup switch now there’s some light”. Nancy wanted tea, Lisa an orange juice, so I felt down to the floor for my dressing gown. As I picked it up I span my legs out of the bed and onto the floor, and then lifted the dressing gown to cover my morning wood. With my back to the girls, I slipped it on.

“Erm, why are you wearing my dressing gown?” Lisa asked. I looked at what I was wearing. A pink fluffy dressing gown. I looked over at the door and there hung my BHS blue dressing gown. I turned to look at Lisa and her face dropped – “What the f*** is that on my dressing gown?” she shouted, pointing at me accusingly.
Dry, crusty poo clung to the dressing gown like a limpet.

The splash-back had been powerful.
(Monkey the Chicken Twitter: death_stairs, Thu 23 Jul 2009, 17:13, 4 replies)

is the dark
the one where you don't have picnics, and you drink from the ashtray, and you throw up in my shoe?
( valoukh newsgash.wordpress.com, Thu 23 Jul 2009, 17:06, Reply)

Generally speaking....
....when it's dark, I sleep.
(golddust QOTW now revolves around being a cunt, Thu 23 Jul 2009, 17:02, 3 replies)

The darkest nightclub in the world ™
A few weeks ago a group of about 20 of us went on a stag weekend in Bristol. As you would expect incalculably large quantities of alcohol, curry etc were consumed before we entered in to the darkest nightclub in the world ™

Now a lot of clubs are dark, but this one was as dark as Winnie Mandela’s ringpiece (and about as pleasant). Of course, stag parties typically end up entangled with hen parties and this night was no exception to that rule. We ended up drinking with what seemed to be a groups of late 20’s/ early 30’s “hens” all dressed up in schoolgirl outfits (or what appeared to be – difficult to tell given how dark it was). This particular club (naff 80’s music – can’t remember the name) had a chrome pole for customers to dance around & plenty of this hen party made the most of it and it was certain some of our group were on for some sexy tiem later that night (not me – I would have had to have tied a toothbrush to my cock I had drank so much).

It turns out this particular battery of hens were staying in the same hotel as us which made it even more certain that some of our group would end up entangled with some of the hen party.

Fast forward to about 11am the following day, we are all hanging around the hotel having a refreshing liquid breakfast before checking out… out of the lift come a group of late 50’s women… yep the hens from the previous night had aged about 25 years over night thanks to being seen in daylight. (if they had taken their clothes off they would have needed ironing) – the shock of this overnight transformation did not stop one of our group yelling “hello girls – we were out with your daughters last night”

Cue the tumbleweed & a fast exit to the station.
(lkjshaglkasjdhglkhjz lkcvl; g;aodh;owih, Thu 23 Jul 2009, 16:48, 5 replies)

I hate the dark
But I had a very traumatic experience which excuses it.

I was stranded with a group of people in this rather unhospitable place.

Turns out that during a solar eclipse all these cave dwelling creatures come out hunting. They can see really well in the dark, and can smell blood a mile off.

Most of my group got killed, including this one hot chick who I was hoping to bone.

And if that wasn't bad enough, it turns out I really cant act to save my life.

Regards,
Riddick
(thefuckestuppest cheapened this, on, Thu 23 Jul 2009, 16:46, 1 reply)

When my son was still having night feeds
I thought I'd perfected the whole thing - with a bit of practice I'd discovered I could get from bed to son's room to armchair downstairs with son in tow, all without opening my eyes.

This way I didn't need to wake up fully - I could plug a bottle in to son whilst half asleep and drift off again whilst content gurgling went on.

I was really proud of this. I boasted to lots of people about my super-dad-abilities.

Then I managed to miss the top step, stepped out, landed halfway down the stairs on my arse and slid the rest of the way. Managed to hold on to son for most of it so he was OK, but I couldn't walk properly for weeks.

Sympathy from mates? None. None at all.
( chthonic, Thu 23 Jul 2009, 16:45, 1 reply)

Worst put down I've ever had
Waking up next to some random girl after a night of tedious floppy-cock beer sex.

She turns to me, scrutinizes me intently for a minute. All the time she's vigorously and rather worryingly scratching at her vertical beef smile under the duvet as if she's performing some kind of weird fanny exorcism.

And then she says, completely dead-pan: "You looked much better in the dark..."

Well, fuck me...

Thanks for that...
( SpankyHanky, Thu 23 Jul 2009, 16:39, 5 replies)

The Night
The night is a very dark time for me
(ThePick Nevermind the length, feel the thickness, Thu 23 Jul 2009, 16:37, 1 reply)

Historically accurate and linguistically nuanced.
Bonjour!
Je m'appelle Jeanne, mais il y a un few people que m'appellent La Maid of Orléans. (Je pense que cette nom est un peu girly pour mes goûts, mais je ne va pas complain trop much). J'ai un biography très interesting.

Un fois, quand j'etais doing mon own chose, God soi-meme (Oui! C'est vrai! Vous could have knocked me down avec un feather!) m'a dit que il etait mon manifest destiny to lead une armée de resistance contre les rosbifs, qui occupaient la France at le temps. (Queleques gens ont dit que ce n'etait pas God, mais une maigraine ou epilepsy, mais what do they know. Oliver Sacks, je accuse...)

Alors - where was I? Ah, oui. God et les rosbifs. Vite qu'un flash, j'ai raisée un grand armée - mais quelle horreur! - eventuellement j'etais captured. Sacre bleu! Alors - et pour couper un long story court - demain, je vais etre brûlée au stake par les perfidious anglaises, qui pensent que je suis un grande witch.

Bof.

Je vous prie d'agreer l'expression de mes sentiments distinguées
Votre amie,
Jeanne

I apologise for nothing - Enzyme.
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Thu 23 Jul 2009, 16:31, 20 replies)

The Dark
I remember exploring a tower in the dark once, in the woods near Edinburgh, We only had torches, but we could just see where we were going. We had to climb the hill, then go up the tower, and it was windy as hell up there! The city lights below were amazing though.
( Squiggy Alloria makes theme parks., Thu 23 Jul 2009, 16:23, Reply)

I cant go into dark places
I'm scared of being eaten by a grue
( Tedium Alduce me to interlow myself., Thu 23 Jul 2009, 16:20, 1 reply)

Bad dark
I really hate the dark i'd do absolutely anything to get away from it.

Well anything apart from pretending to have vitiligo universalis

Regards

Michael J
(NuffMuff fucks shrubbery, Thu 23 Jul 2009, 16:15, Reply)

Being a dad of 3 I am used to stumbling around in the dark with night time trips for a baby bottle, nappies etc etc.
During one night time feed when the youngest was teething I was up almost every night that became so frequent I hardly used the lights at all (Both in the house and also mentally). On the night in question I did my usual motion of calming the kiddie down and then went downstairs to the kitchen and made up a bottle for him to drink.

I popped back upstairs and saw something come out of my son’s bedroom. It was bigger than my kid, about my size nearly and like the true big hard Yorkshire bloke that I am I let out a scream, waking up most of the household.

The figure (which turned out to be my wife) switched the light on and then proceeded to bullock me for making the noise. It turned out that while I was downstairs she had woken up and gone to check up on the baby, which was a surprise in itself as my wife has the same response as most long term coma patients after falling asleep.

“What the hell was that for Mon? Why were you screaming?” she asked me

“Sorry” came my semi asleep reply “I thought you were a monster”

I was in the doghouse for a while after that comment.
(mon bison powered by magnets, Thu 23 Jul 2009, 16:13, 4 replies)

I love the dark
Mind you - if you'd spent as much time in it as I did you would too.

Love

Elizabeth Fritzl
(lkjshaglkasjdhglkhjz lkcvl; g;aodh;owih, Thu 23 Jul 2009, 16:11, Reply)

It's very dark here
Then again, I haven't seen much daylight since coming to Portugal.

Love,
Maddie
(RVD420 has his world coming down on, Thu 23 Jul 2009, 16:07, 3 replies)

It's very dark around my way
then again, I do live in Africa...

oooooooooooooh!!!
(RVD420 has his world coming down on, Thu 23 Jul 2009, 16:05, Reply)

I really hate the dark
They always try to rob me with their knives and guns
(NuffMuff fucks shrubbery, Thu 23 Jul 2009, 16:01, 2 replies)

A long time ago, in a bedroom far, far away...
well, I was about eight or nine years old; it was a cold and dark night. It had been a hard day, and I had hit the orange juice hard that evening after a grueling day of timestables and spellings. About 12am I awoke; my bladder decided enough was enough and that it needed to be emptied...

I clambered out of my bed and fumbled my way to the door, careful to be quiet, so as not to wake my parents, or my sister as I walked past their rooms. I made it to the toilet without incident, and relieved myself...

Feeling much better, I made my way back to my room in the dark.

I carefully opened my door half way, and crept back inside.

Suddenly the door swung shut behind me and my mum burst out with a blood-curdling scream!

She HAD heard me get up, and decided it would be a fanciful jape to scare the living shit out of me.

All I can say, is thank the good lord I had just emptied my bladder 20 seconds earlier...

Length? It was a long night of no sleep after that little prank...
( theoriginalsteve <this space intentionally left blank>, Thu 23 Jul 2009, 16:01, 1 reply)

Woo! 100th????
YAYAYYAAY!!!!!
(aroe_m0rre, Thu 23 Jul 2009, 15:56, Reply)

7th?
The Dark is one of my favourite James Herbert books, I really recommend you all read it.

It's a bit stupid, but some of the deaths in it are top notch, including the nurse who suffocates her elderly patient with her massive breasts!

Sorry, that's all I've got this week.

EDIT: I have been informed that she actually strangles him with her hair, but I'm not going to change the OP, as I think it's much cooler that way!
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Thu 23 Jul 2009, 15:56, 11 replies)

I hate the dark because it makes me stub my toe

Which makes me shout, and hop and eventually fall naked in the corridor infront of my bemused/horrified in laws.
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 23 Jul 2009, 15:53, 1 reply)

Fifth
closest I've been
( monkeyboyalpha jumping on the bandwagon since, Thu 23 Jul 2009, 15:52, Reply)

Eleventieth?

( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Thu 23 Jul 2009, 15:51, Reply)

9th?
?
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Thu 23 Jul 2009, 15:51, Reply)

First!
Not first. :-(
(Vice Admiral Sir Charles Cockbrush KCB MBE DSO, who is finding it increasingly difficult to log into b3ta.com wants to duck your aunt and kick your puppy, Thu 23 Jul 2009, 15:50, Reply)

first
?
(lkjshaglkasjdhglkhjz lkcvl; g;aodh;owih, Thu 23 Jul 2009, 15:50, Reply)