My wallet still aches when I remember this one.
I went to Alice and Wounderland in 3D, this cost me the best part of £10. The film was utter shite, and seemed to last forever. I also got in trouble from my friend for saying I felt 3D was pointless and detracts from films.
(Mong goose, Thu 23 Sep 2010, 22:19, 12 replies)

I'll just say this..
Don't ever, EVER, put milk through a Soda Stream..
(bassmeister Proud Patron Of The Alan Ladd Memorial Heel Bar, Thu 23 Sep 2010, 22:11, 13 replies)

Hmmm... Well this re-edited pea seems appropriate...
Myself and two mates went off to go and see the Dandy Warhols while still of school age. That in itself wasn't a problem, though often naked, they're not exactly offensive, and besides, we looked a bit older than we were so off we went. We got ouselves right down the front for the support band (oh for the care free days of time and enthusiasm eh?)

As we were waiting for them, a very attractive young lady approached me and pointed out that I had a (not uncommon) Converse T-Shirt on and she had (even less uncommon) Converse shoes on. Even in my utter lack of experience dealing with memebrs of the opposite sex it registered that her pointing out this utterly unremarkable coincidence might mean something... We started chatting, probably mentally deciding that the least attractive of our group of alpha, beta, upsilon males could wait for us if needs be, this was too good an opportunity to pass up. We found out they were Uni students, who had a car and driven from Southampton (we were in Portsmouth).

Holy Mother of God... They were gorgeous, they were at University, they had a CAR and they were talking to us?!? It was all going really well, then the first band came on.

I love Six By Seven more than any other band ever, but that first time I saw them completely knocked me sideways. They were brilliant in a kind of hypnotic, massivley loud, life-altering way that only discovering your favourite band can be.

Afterwards, when the tinnitus had died down, we got chatting again with the lovely females still hovering about in our vicinity. At this point things started to go wrong... I asked how old they were (20 and 21) and they asked the same question in return. My response:

"Well, I'm NEARLY 17..."

My shins are bruised just from typing this.
( Sonic James Doom forgetting the date since... umm..., Thu 23 Sep 2010, 21:49, Reply)

Lebensraum
Overpopulated he said.

'Need a bit of room' he said.

Won't be a big deal, just give me 5% extra and we'll call it a deal.

Next thing I know, he's completely moved in, and not only that, he's taken over next door too!

I don't know, you give an inch and they take a mile.

Yours,

N. Chamberlain.
(scentless_apprentice takes two bottles into the shower!, Thu 23 Sep 2010, 21:32, Reply)

If you live in Swansea, you should learn from this
When the sea goes out, Swansea bay is very big. A large flat space which extends all the way to the mumbles (home of tasty icecream) which would normally take a long time to walk to.

This large, flat, space looks pretty tempting to walk across to any ice cream and adventure loving person, but believe me, it's not.

After JUST ONE PINT we made the decision to walk across. Three quarters of an hour in, most of us are shoeless and the ooze bubbling up in our footprints is an unhealthy shade of fluorescent pink. All those stories about Swansea bay being full of sewage and mutogenic substances float through our brain, but it's too late now...and it's only a bit further.

Some time after this, we find ourselves in a friends house in mumbles, tired, wet, muddy and all our shoes destroyed. We block up his shower with rancid mud and sand and piss off another friend by demanding a lift. Worst of all no ice cream :(

Never do this, kids, turns out it's pretty easy to drown, too, when the very fast tide comes in.
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Thu 23 Sep 2010, 21:19, 5 replies)

Fuuuuuck, that was some good shit
Think I must have lost an entire week...
( idonthaveafunnynickname Drink-Aware? Sure. I'm aware I want another drink., Thu 23 Sep 2010, 21:14, 1 reply)

I don't know what came over me....
I thought I could think of something funny for this QOTW but I just came up blank!
( dazbrilliantwhites has been meaning to change this..., Thu 23 Sep 2010, 21:13, Reply)

God-bothering
I know it's a middle-class cliche but I do love old Stephen Fry. Statistically, you probably do, too. So imagine the scene five years ago. I was walking down Piccadilly in TV's famous London when Fry himself popped out of no 195, BAFTA HQ, like a tweedy poo from a sleek and privileged bot.

Fry stood for a moment, blinking in the sunshine. In a split second I decided that, as this was the only chance I'd ever have, I'd go up to him and engage him in witty banter. He'd laugh at my cleverness, perhaps even suggest we collaborate on a TV show and would even maybe shower me with quality goods bearing the Apple logo. You never know.

I went up to him. I said, "excuse me." He looked down at me politely. I said, "I'm sorry to bother you." And my courage fled. I shrugged apologetically like a twat (or a Frenchman - much the same thing) and scurried off. As I went I heard him say, in a kindly if bemused voice, "oh. Well really it was no bother."

What hurts, what hurts like buggery on a ski lift is that ever since then I can't see him on telly without my toes curling in shame as I remember that cringe-worthy day. I am such a sphincter.
(judgetheobscure used to sweep in butchers' shops., Thu 23 Sep 2010, 21:11, 6 replies)

My first ever girlfriend...
...was a total babe. Bright, funny, great body (enhanced by glandular fever) she was an absolute honey. We were saving ourselves for each other. She was Girl#1.

Anyway, I went to a party (I was 16 at the time) and got chatting to a girl who was also yummy (Girl#2). And she knew my girlfriend. I ended up kissing her (pissed and so on) and then decided to split up with my girlfriend to go out with her - saving oneself is all well and good but I was being offered it right now.

So it turns out they were deadly enemies (as only 16 year old schoolgirls can be) and Girl#2 was actually a lesbian and just wanted to cause Girl#1 pain.

Weirdly, still in touch with Girl#2 and she is a copper in Thames Valley Police.

I wish I hadn't gone to the party.
(Forward Air Controller last dropped live ordnance on, Thu 23 Sep 2010, 21:08, 5 replies)

Took the blue pill....
Trussocks!
(repooc, Thu 23 Sep 2010, 20:48, Reply)

Didn't destroy the escape pod.
oops.
(Brambly Slag is strangely attracted to Steve Buscemi, Thu 23 Sep 2010, 20:31, 2 replies)

Stuck a cat in a wheeliebin once
etc..
(mr-lizard Hell's teeth man!, Thu 23 Sep 2010, 20:17, 2 replies)

what not to say at an interview
The interviewer was a complete dick and the job I was going for (circa 1997-ish) was a piss-easy IT role but when asked "what do you see yourself doing in 5 years time?", the answer I should have given was most definitely NOT "being your boss".......mind you, the look I got back from said interviewer in response to my youthful exuberance was quality - rather unexpectedly tho didn't get the job.
(stonersmurf stuckin' foned, Thu 23 Sep 2010, 19:52, Reply)

Vodka Revolution
Mong's story has reminded me. A few years ago I was in a flat that was completely surrounded by erasmus students (as readers of 'Complaining' may recall). During their first week living there they mentioned that there was a welcome party for the foreign students at Vodka Revolution in the centre, so my flatmate's girlfriend being on placement in Gloucester we decided that this was an excellent way to spend an evening.

When the night in question drew in we headed out in search of naïve young students spending their first night in a new city. Steve had no intention of cheating on his girlfriend so he'd be perfect for chatting to nascent friendship groups while I tried to break my not insignificant dry-spell. We arrived at the bar rather early. About 23 hours early in fact, as our neighbour had mixed up the names of the days of the week. This wasn't going to stop us having a good time though, so we got a couple of beers and sat outside watching the girls in tiny skirts going in and out of bars. Just as we were finishing our pints two gorgeous leggy brunettes wearing rather revealing tops approached us:

"Could you guys help us drink our vodka?"

Titting Christ, this is unprecedented. Being gentlemen we obliged these sirens by drinking shot after shot of their vodka until we'd got through them all. By this point it was getting a bit late and the girls had clearly each picked one of us. Steve's stands up and suggests moving this on to a club, mine thinks this is a brilliant idea. That's when I remember that Steve has a live in girlfriend, so he politely declines.

I don't really need to say what happened next, do I? It's painfully obvious. I regretted it for the whole long walk home with my lanky ginger flatmate.
( Ungersven would support SpankyHanky's patreon, Thu 23 Sep 2010, 19:45, Reply)

Got given another motorbike...
...how the fuck does a free thing cost a few hundred quid?
It is complete and running, but a bit of a nail cosmetically. I hate to see things wasted, so I thought I'd see about making it roadworthy. It'll be great for winter, got disc brake a 5 gears and its so scruffy if I drop it I don't give a toss.
It'd been scrapped on paper, so I rang DVLA. No problem, send a form plus money and you'll get a new logbook. Took them two attempts, I nearly wound up with a second honda 400, but got there in the end.
Found the fork legs were chipped, so bought some new ones. Don't fit. Can't find what I need. On top of that, previous owner got a fine-turns out he should have sent a letter to say I'd bought it. They never told me that was needed. Wish I'd just broke the bastard thing up.
I might make money on one of the bastard things one day!
( Greenbat, Thu 23 Sep 2010, 19:21, 2 replies)

Let's try every type of voldka in revolution!
In my final year of university, my friend and I were celebrating, he had just handed in his dissertation, I had finaly finished the experent phase (different courses) so went for a pub lunch. Walking home, we passed the revolution bar, and decided to pop in. On the menu was poridge voldka. "Urgh! That sounds awful. Let's have some!" I suggested. We tried and confirmed it was awful, we had to get rid of the taste. In my infinate wisdom, I reasoned more shots would over power the taste, so a slab of 10 was bought. During our leasurely drink, we decided it would be fun to try them all between us, decide on the best so we would only ever need to do them.

Sadly, we were already tipsy, a 3rd man was needed. Quickly inviting people, we got our 3rd, a course mate of my friends. Disscount card in hand, we took turns to buy the biggest slabs we could. The woman behind the bar gave us different shots each time, always with a warning to calm down. Eventualy she decided enough was enough. "I'm not serving you til you sober up." she warns. Feeling rather silly, I asked "What about if we do a sexy dance?" she didn't look pleased. "I don't think so." she answered. "I mean a REALY sexy dance." I put in. She walked off.

We gave it a while, then went to order more. "Not without food!" she told us. Right at that moment, in pops our 3rd, discount card ready, "This gets me two for one on food right?" he asks. Her face fell slightly. "Yes." she sighed. "Then I will have TWO wraps please!" there was a cheer of glee, a fresh slab and with that, the final push for our goal.

I'm not sure if we managed them all, but I woke up on the stairs to my bed room, confused and muddy.
(Mong goose, Thu 23 Sep 2010, 19:16, 1 reply)

Beagle 2
I once met one of those intelligent chaps who worked on the beagle 2.
He was pissed out of his mind and, being the responsable bar man i am, continued to serve him alcohol.

He then proceeded to regale me with his tale of woe about how the beagle 2 failure was all his fault because he had not argued the case for tank tracks over wheels.

He garbeld something into his double whiskey and was dragged out by his friend , but not before yelling an important peice of advice to me. "Don't stop!"

Touched me deeply that did.
(shake'n'bake Tally Ho, Biatch!, Thu 23 Sep 2010, 19:07, 2 replies)

Precious.
For those who may have missed this one, it's about a young morbidly obese black girl living with her abusive mother and who has two babies already before her sixteenth birthday. Not exactly an uplifting little flick. I saw it with the missus.

Fast forward to dinner with her colleagues and some friends. The subject of movies comes up, and I express how much I hate Serious Movies With Important Social Messages, and used "Precious" as an example. I may as well have said that Mother Theresa was a useless old pile of wrinkles. The temperature dropped at least thirty degrees, though the men present agreed with me.

"Why would I want to watch a movie about that when I can go to Wal Mart and see it in person?"

I apparently offended every female present, though one of the guys bought me a beer for saying what all of us males were thinking. But that doesn't get me laid more, does it?...

I am still in deep yogurt for that.
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Thu 23 Sep 2010, 19:07, 12 replies)

Not funny, just venting
Two years ago, met a girl, got on great, fell in love.

Upped sticks from my hometown and moved away to be with her.

Got engaged.

And then things turned.

She called the wedding off and we broke up. But I stayed living there till I could find a place. The day I was due to move out she broke down, said she still loved me, that she was sorry and we got back together. WHAT WAS I THINKING!?

Things were ok. For a while. But then it went break up, get back together, break up, yadda yadda yadda...

We finally broke up for good about 2 months ago. It's been HORRIBLE. Since then she's been the most hateful, spiteful, vindictive person you could imagine. I can't believe this is the same girl I was with. All utterly unjustifiable. When we were together, her mum paid the deposit for the wedding. Obviously when it got cancelled that deposit was lost, the venue saying it was much too close to the date to return. I took out a credit card to pay her mum the money back. The ex was going to chip away at her half as and when she could afford it.

But then out of the blue, shortly before we finally split, we get wind that there's a new manager at the venue. Nothing ventured, nothing gained... we try asking her for our deposit. She says she'll look into the records and see what she can do. Happy days.

Even happier days, the missus receives a phonecall a few days later saying we're going to get a cheque for the full amount.

This cheque arrived AFTER we split and with the ex now a LONG way away and, crucially, in her name. Initially I was promised it would get paid into my bank account.

The missus had been chipping away slowly but the bulk of this money is mine. She's now miles and miles away and, after two months of me politely inquiring "have you had chance to cash that cheque yet?", she's now claiming I've no right to the money, saying it was her who paid her mum back and using words like "bully" and "stalker" to describe me when I ring to reason with her that what's she's done amounts to theft.

What was I thinking when I stayed with her? When I took out the credit card? When I believed she'd pay me back? Fuck's sake.

If I've learnt one thing it's this: if there are cracks in the relationship no amount of papering over them will fix things. Get out early, no matter how hard that seems.

Otherwise you too could be left with a huge credit card bill and a screaming thief at the other end of the phone.

Vent over. Apologies for that.
(R. Jimlad twitter.com/sirmarkymark, Thu 23 Sep 2010, 18:51, 7 replies)

In a job interview
do not, when asked "in an ideal world what would you be doing?", respond with a yelp of a laugh, slap your knee and say "haha, in an ideal world i'd be making loads of money doing nothing"

Doi!


(El_diablo_blanco, Thu 23 Sep 2010, 18:47, Reply)

Oooh!
I can show you this photograph of myself again.


(yokelrobin THE NERD WHOSE HAIR DEFIES GRAVITY/FASHION, Thu 23 Sep 2010, 18:45, 12 replies)

One more drink can't hurt
A sneaky pea until I can be bothered thinking of something original:

I remember once, when I was a lowly 3rd year student I woke up at about 4pm, wandered downstairs and a housemate (who's now a doctor at the Bristol Royal Infirmary) suggested we have a tipple as he'd just finished his exams for the year.

3 bottles of the normal plymouth between the two of us and he went to his girlfriend's house, threw up on her floor, then passed out. I went on a date.

All I remember is "Have you been drinking already?" as I sunk a pint of ale.
( Ungersven would support SpankyHanky's patreon, Thu 23 Sep 2010, 18:40, 3 replies)

This one I'm actualy proud of.
End of my first year in uni, we had a going away party, at which one of my friends got very drunk. She had a thing for my mate, who she flirted with and tried to get drunk all night. When it was clear he wasn't biting, she went for me.

She put her arms round me, pulled me in and kissed me, pressing her heaving breasts against me. She pulled a way, flashing me a naughty smile, clearly gagging for it.

One of those defining moments in life came, the type that helps define who you are, and I met it with out having to think. I told her she was drunk, it wouldent be right and she would regret it in the morning. She tried again and I held her back, instead giving her water to sober up.

Friends called me a puff, saying she deserved it for her behaviour, and she'd not remember, but I felt it was the right thing to do.
(Mong goose, Thu 23 Sep 2010, 18:21, 3 replies)

the evil of chickenspud
i love to experiment with food. sometimes, that's a good thing, i've created some quite delicious meals and snacks.
other times, well, wrong doesn't quite cover it.

pissed/stoned, very hungry, in that mood where you can't qute decide what you want to eat. instant mash has always been one of my comfort foods, disgusting shite though it is. i'm rather fond of a certain well-known brand of chicken soup, too. but which one should i have?
then, inspiration* struck. you make instant mash with hot water, right? chicken soup is a bit like hot water, right? maybe, if i make the mash with chicken soup instead of hot water, it'll taste like a roast dinner! yeah! go, me! this is gonna taste great!
wrong.
a whole lumpy, disgusting, sick-inducing world of wrong.
the stuff i ended up with could have been used to grout tiles. it smelled absolutely vile and looked like the kind of alien lifeform even captain janeway would run from.
of course, i HAD to taste it.
won't be doing that again any time soon.


*may not have been actual inspiration
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Thu 23 Sep 2010, 18:17, 4 replies)

I put my winky in a lady's foofoo

( wotofco pissing in your swimming pool, Thu 23 Sep 2010, 18:14, 9 replies)

Still feel like a dick for this.
Aged 17, a young, slightly geeky and at college, I met a girl. We talked on msn alot, both being very sexualy frustrated. She had a boyfriend, but he was rather poorly endowed, so she wanted something more. One night she offered me this: "How do you feel about no strings anal fun? That's all I want." after initialy checking if she was joking, I realised she was serious. Infathomably, I had romantic notions of wanting to only ever be with some one I loved, so turned down her offer.

I must have a massive handle cos I'm a giant mug!
(Mong goose, Thu 23 Sep 2010, 18:08, 4 replies)

Took the nipper
to see Space Chimps 2 in 3D. Not only was it two hours and twenty quid I will never get back but I got the most god almighty headache from the 3D and just to rub salt in the wound when we emerged blinking in to the daylight she turned to me and in her most honest 5 year old voice said, "I didn't really enjoy that Daddy."

And yet I knew it would be shite before we went.
( number5 has been fighting tramps and losing., Thu 23 Sep 2010, 18:04, Reply)

Oh dear god the horror.
I once sat down and watched Dusk 'til Dawn when I still lived with the folks. My mum was in the room. For those of you that have not watched this work from Messrs Tarantino and Rodriguez it includes the line "I want to lick your daughter's cunt" (or words to that effect). The stunned silence was broken only by the very reserved "I think I might go and do something in the kitchen".
( number5 has been fighting tramps and losing., Thu 23 Sep 2010, 17:48, 8 replies)

Two birds with being stoned
So we'd been on a night out and I'd been on the pull. Walked this girl home (fresher's week at uni) and found her accommodation. On the way back, this guy pissed out of his skull tries to muscle in on the act. No way, thinks I. Apparently, she's not too taken with him either, and we dump him off as soon as possible and carry on.

Now, long-term relationships are something I find it hard to come by, but she's lovely. I mean, REALLY lovely. Not stunning, not drop-dead gorgeous, but funny, bright and genuine, and you would have: but for some reason, I didn't.

I didn't want it to end up as a one-night drunken/high encounter and lose her to the chemicals, so we swapped numbers and she said she'd be in touch.

On my way out of the accommodation block, I passed the kitchen. A quick sniff confirmed that somebody had a nice bit of bud going on in there. The kitchens only had heat detectors, not smoke detectors, so nothing but a fire would set them off. Made sense with students who'd never cooked before, and saved Burnt Toast false alarms. In late September, this led to a lot of smoking in there, due to the weather.

So, on a roll, I decide to slip in and see what's happening. I'm a sociable sort and get on well with people even if I've never met them before. I open the door ready to sponge a few tokes and -- three girls and a hookah on the table. Score!

So, introductions, I sit down, start huffing, two aren't interested but the yank girl from New York is. Personally, I think it was a matter of accent over appearance - everyone wants a Hugh Grant of their own if they aren't from these shores.

Stay a few hours chatting - I was pleasantly mellow before, now we're all a little stoned and it's time to go to bed.
"Let's go watch a film," says she
"Sure thing," says I, the girl from earlier still on my mind, but no harm in a film, right? I truly was enjoying the conversation, and it's nice to be sought after, but it would only be a film: Girl From Earlier was still on my mind.
"So... where's your room?"
Alarm bells. Maybe it was pot paranoia but I didn't want her to be some crazy stalker and know where I lived.
"You don't want to go there, it's a mess."
"Yeah, well so's mine, where's your room?"
"No, really, it's a shit tip..."

This cringeworthy exchange went on for a good two minutes as we tried to convince each other to let the respective other let us into their room. I don't know what her reason was, maybe the same as mine, maybe the walls were thin and she was embarrassed, I don't know. What I do know is that it ended with us going to our own beds alone.

Next morning, Lovely Girl is nowhere to be found, and one of the other two Kitchen Girls informs me that the New Yorker was good mates with Lovely Girl, and after turning her down she'd proceeded to make out like I was gagging to get her into the sack.

I should just have chosen one and not cared if they hated me the day after, like anyone else who was my age, but being relatively inexperienced and highly romanticised by Hollywood (fuck you, Hugh Grant, next time tell me it like it is!) I believed Lovely Girl might truly have been The One, and paid through the nose for it.

Shy types take note.
(jellybeanflicker Jesus was Korean, but there he was Cho Sun Wun, Thu 23 Sep 2010, 17:34, 4 replies)

Lights blue touch paper...
Like a dog to its vomit, I'm drawn repeatedly to contribute to internet forums. Its like an addiction, but each time I wonder why in the name of all things stupid, I actually bothered.

A recent case in point was my (brief) foray into the world of /talk (yes here). I had not realised that it was populated by a group of characters who share a number of (not very pleasant) attributes. The very least of these is the overt aggression shown to anyone who has not been "invited" to "speak". I use the word "invited" as it would seem that this would have to be the case. there would also appear to be a great deal of arse-licking back-slapping as well. For a so-called humourous site, there is precious little humour. I did begin to wonder when the majority would actually be thinking about the progression from puberty, but have reconciled myself to the fact that they are developmentally restricted. I figure they have such a small life that they feel the need to express a persona far larger than their own meagre actual existence. Result; no intellectual ability found, above that of the average village idiot.
What indeed, the very fuck WAS I thinking?
Kind of ties in with this: b3ta.com/questions/theman/post761031
I think the answer is therefore: "Fuck off shitcunts".
(gearanach #wankwankwank, Thu 23 Sep 2010, 17:29, 26 replies)