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This is a question Driven to Madness

Captain Placid asks: What annoying things do significant others, workmates and other people in general do that drive you up the wall? Do you want to kill your other half over their obsessive fridge magnet collection? Driven to distraction over your manager's continued use of Comic Sans (The Font of Champions)? Tell us.

(, Thu 4 Oct 2012, 12:11)
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right then, here we go...
HKLP (holds knife like pen) scum.

Eating takeaway food on public transport

Chewing gum (admittedly I have chewed gum from time to time ergo – I am a peasant)


Children with pierced ears

Eating crisps (see chewing gum)

Stella Artois

Restaurants with pictures of the food on their menu

Three quarter length trousers on blokes

IKEA - just let me go to the fucking wardrobes!

Showing too much cleavage/thigh/leg or wandering around the town centre on a sunny day with no shirt

Hair ‘scrunchies’ worn around the wrist





Driving around in a tarted up Nova playing drum and bass and saying ‘innit’ a lot

Football shirts

Love bites

Wearing your slippers to the shops

Asking people to remove their shoes in your house FUCK OFF this is not the 1700’s I do not have clods of fucking manure stuck to me

Smacking children

Smoking in public places (awaits flaming) and yes I used to smoke

Tracksuit bottoms tucked into socks just what is is that about

Hen nights – pissed up braying tarts, lovely

Eating in supermarket ‘canteens’

Rolling up the end of the toothpaste tubes – gladly this is a dying practice due to plastic tubes

Musical doorbells

Plastic fucking butterflies on the outside of your chavvy bastard house

Gold jewelry

Covers for phones iPods etc

Excessive Christmas decorations

Eating a donner kebab in the street

People who put harnesses on bull terriers

Eating at a Harvester ‘Pub’ - what's with the fucking wooden spoon nonsense. And i'll pay AFTER i've eaten thank you.

People who crunch ice cubes


Laminate flooring

‘settee’ it’s a sofa you fucking pleb

‘Spag Bol’

Monobloc where you used to have a lawn and now you park your Vauxhall on it


The Welsh

Fat people (see ASDA/ supermarket ‘canteens’)

Drinking from a can of lager on a train

Fluffy toys on the parcel shelf/dashboard

The vast majority of frozen food (except peas obviously)

Marrowfat peas


People who don’t like seafood – invariably scum


carrying keys with excessive key fobs and widgets on them

wearing a shirt darker than your tie

women dancing in their bare feet

women walking home after a night at some cattlemarket in their bare feet

arguing in public

wearing a black tie to anything other than a funeral or formal occasion

pre-tied bow ties at black tie do's

put your fucking flabby midriff away woman

excessively styled hair

'popped' collars

"i aint done nuffink" and other such double negatives, split infinitives and so on

car plates with an unusual font - zapf chancery all in caps - classy

getting married in a novelty setting or costume
(unless of course its a vegas elvis wedding chapel - but only if you are not american)

wearing tights with peep toe shoes

not being able to use chopsticks

... i really do have to stop
(, Fri 5 Oct 2012, 16:23, 41 replies)
I have a lot to thank Lambrini for
When I was in my late teens it was the ladies' drink of choice - there was even an advert at the time of a dazed-looking man, covered in lipstick marks, with the tagline "Mary's had a little Lambrini".
(, Fri 5 Oct 2012, 16:33, closed)
admittedly i have simply pearoasted
my answer to 'what makes people common'
(, Fri 5 Oct 2012, 16:41, closed)
I think I probably mentioned it back then, too

(, Fri 5 Oct 2012, 16:54, closed)
Dear God
I agree with nearly everything you wrote.

Do I need some sort of help?
(, Fri 5 Oct 2012, 16:38, closed)
shut up, and take your fucking shoes off.
my house, my rules.
(, Fri 5 Oct 2012, 16:43, closed)
I'm dangerously close...
... to agreeing with Janet here! You wouldn't ride your bike or drive your car into the house, why would you expect to wear your outdoor shoes?

Although I have to agree with nearly all of the others. Except for the frozen food - I have some splendid vacuum-packed fillet steak and racks of pork ribs in my freezer at the moment. What's wrong with that?
(, Fri 5 Oct 2012, 16:54, closed)
I think the "shoes" thing was the one I didn't agree with.
I suspect the frozen food was really a dig at ready meals, or stuff that comes frozen already.
(, Fri 5 Oct 2012, 17:00, closed)
it was
oh and if you want me to hike up the hypocrisy - i'm an advertising and marketing creative...

i did a tv ad a few months back to get chavs to eat more frozen pizza

awaits hatred/flaming
(, Fri 5 Oct 2012, 17:14, closed)
Now if you'd advertised bleach
and gotten them to drink more of that, you'd be a hero.
(, Fri 5 Oct 2012, 17:26, closed)
All that cholesterol ...
... is just a slower way to the same result!
(, Fri 5 Oct 2012, 17:29, closed)
All you really needed to say was
"I'm middle class and a bit snooty".

We'd have worked the rest out.
(, Fri 5 Oct 2012, 16:50, closed)
Lambrini - 1.59 in tesco local. ideal for prelash.
agree about the bowties tho. easy to learn, looks so much better.

youre... youre going to say 'using the term 'prelash' too right?
(, Fri 5 Oct 2012, 17:12, closed)
i thought people used poppers for that

(, Fri 5 Oct 2012, 17:16, closed)
im not snooty
i have a thick regional accent and grew up on a council estate
(, Fri 5 Oct 2012, 17:17, closed)
So you're just reactionary and ignorant then.

(, Fri 5 Oct 2012, 19:46, closed)
I smell chav

(, Sat 6 Oct 2012, 11:01, closed)
Better put some deodorant on then!!!

(, Sat 6 Oct 2012, 15:52, closed)
Lynx I assume

(, Mon 8 Oct 2012, 1:00, closed)
Brut 33.
Smells great.
(, Mon 8 Oct 2012, 8:41, closed)
You can't smoke anywhere
EXCEPT public places. Re-legalise me having a crafty one in a dedicated indoor area, and I happily will, believe me.
(, Fri 5 Oct 2012, 17:11, closed)
Whats wrong with a case for my iPhone?
If it gets knocked out my hand or I drop it or something, earing in mind how much it cost, I don't want it smashed to bits do I?
(, Fri 5 Oct 2012, 17:35, closed)
Why not?
Then you could buy a proper phone.
(, Sun 7 Oct 2012, 20:29, closed)
Why would you take a beautiful piece of tech art designed in California and made in Mordor
That's made of exotic metals and glass* and slips beautifully into your pocket only to wrap it in shitty rubber made from rendered down Indian children

*like I say - this is a pea as soon as I got my i4 - case.

Dunhill naturally.
(, Mon 8 Oct 2012, 0:52, closed)
I drink cans of lager on trains to stop people like you sitting next to me.

(, Fri 5 Oct 2012, 17:51, closed)
I had no idea you travelled in 1st

(, Fri 5 Oct 2012, 19:35, closed)
I'm a train driver.

(, Fri 5 Oct 2012, 19:46, closed)
Should you not be at the front ignoring signals
And reading the Star
(, Fri 5 Oct 2012, 19:57, closed)
Three-quarters length trousers on blokes?
Sure sign of paedophilia. See: swimming coaches.
(, Fri 5 Oct 2012, 18:31, closed)
It's a sign of paedophilia if the three quarters
they are wearing are the bottom three quarters!
(, Fri 5 Oct 2012, 18:56, closed)
Hahaha! :D

(, Sat 6 Oct 2012, 1:30, closed)
Pointless click
for number5 there - best reply in a while.
(, Mon 8 Oct 2012, 9:33, closed)
hate people that write lists. They should be used for vivisection.
(, Fri 5 Oct 2012, 20:02, closed)
I did this but funnier on page 2.

(, Fri 5 Oct 2012, 20:04, closed)
Oh and needy people

(, Fri 5 Oct 2012, 20:13, closed)

(, Fri 5 Oct 2012, 22:35, closed)
I'm a bit in love with you
HKLP - they might be the nicest, most charitable, generous and wonderful person, but I'll still judge them in this.
(, Fri 5 Oct 2012, 23:32, closed)
You are wrong about;
Marrowfat peas - the easiest way to get mushy peas at home.
Harnesses on dogs - they're designed to stop them choking on a leash.
Removing shoes in my house - I do not wish my laminate to be scratched by your clogs.
(, Sat 6 Oct 2012, 0:17, closed)
That semi-colon should be a colon
You're welcome.

p.s. the clogs bit made me laugh.
(, Sat 6 Oct 2012, 3:24, closed)
Mushy peas?
You mean that lurid green chav gruel in Harvester?
(, Sat 6 Oct 2012, 10:59, closed)
Mushy peas (especially chippy ones)
are the Devils mashed up haemorrhoids. Marrowfat peas, on the other hand, are ace with potato pie and gravy.
(, Sun 7 Oct 2012, 20:33, closed)

Dont you insult the yorkshire caviar that is mushy peas you dreadful oik.
(, Tue 9 Oct 2012, 23:41, closed)

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