When I was 16,
I used to go out with a girl called Nicky. Not for long though, she used to have the occasional cig from the local shop who used to sell them separately for 12p each to kids. Consequently her breath smelt a bit and I used to avoid kissing her and so she dumped me which was disappointing, not least because she would often stick her hand down my pants. Well I say dumped me, she got her best mate to do the dirty work for her. I never liked her best mate anyway, she had a face like a stamped bat, blind in one eye, smelt like unwashed cock and generally had a personality that brought out my inner Sutcliffe.

I tried to find out what was going on, but she avoided me all day. So that night, after drinking heavily all evening I went round her house, broke in through the kitchen window and went to her room and wanked on her face. I then went into her parents' room and then wanked on her mum's face. Nicky came staggering into the room. But because I'd given her a proper Velma she didn't realise who I was.

"Dad!" she cried. "Not again"

But it wasn't her dad, because I had raped him with a rolling pin before beating his face into the shape of a wok and kicking a biro into his ear, because he was a cunt. Even though I'd never met him.

"It's not your dad, it's me! Unghh!" and I tipped my filthy concrete onto her mum's face who orgasmed so hard she jumped off the bed and landed on top of the wardrobe. I then wiped my cock on Nicky's hair, taped over all her DVDs even though they hadn't been invented yet before going home, setting fire to their garden shed on the way. When I got home, my dad was waiting for me. He said "Well done son, here have a bottle of whisky, and a medal." because my dad's ace like that. And my mum is too, but she was in bed because she'd had a hard day inventing the Sega Megadrive.

Anyway, when Nicky came into class the next day, I was in the middle of a mass orgy shagging all of her mates; even her best mate, the cycloptic fucking ogre that she was. She called for the teacher, but I kicked him so hard in the tangerines that it lifted him off the floor. Apparently at the hospital later that day, his bollocks were hanging out of his arsehole because I'd kicked them so hard.

Within five minutes, I had been expelled from the school and was being escorted off the premises by special forces who had been called earlier just in case, so I nicked the headmaster's car, converted it into a rocket and blasted off into space and nuked Nicky's house from orbit. I then fell out of space and crashed into the school turning it into a big crater, and then the world exploded and my head fell off.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Fri 4 Jan 2013, 12:35, 30 replies)

YES.

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Fri 4 Jan 2013, 12:44, closed)

LIKE A BOSS

( .Yeti. El amor en los tiempos del cólera, Fri 4 Jan 2013, 12:45, closed)

I would like to question the veracity of this story.
/qotw is no place for lies, y'know.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Fri 4 Jan 2013, 12:48, closed)

It had better not be a joke.
I understand the mods have Views about that.
( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Fri 4 Jan 2013, 12:49, closed)

Dogfingering cunts.

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Fri 4 Jan 2013, 13:34, closed)

Aww crap
I saw the title and was hoping for an image.
Once more I am disappointed.
( DukeEuphoria Comes highly reccomended, Mon 7 Jan 2013, 12:52, closed)

Winner.

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Fri 4 Jan 2013, 12:56, closed)

The exact same thing happened to me.
What are the chances of that?
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Fri 4 Jan 2013, 12:59, closed)

Probably
the same girl
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Fri 4 Jan 2013, 13:01, closed)

12p for fags? i'm calling bullshit on this.

( The Doveston haunted by the memory of his own amnesia, Fri 4 Jan 2013, 13:06, closed)

It was 10p when I was a yoof.

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Fri 4 Jan 2013, 13:33, closed)

That just means you're old
As old as me, in fact
( shinyshinyscalp less a man, more a way of life, Mon 7 Jan 2013, 15:54, closed)

THIS IS HOW YOU DO IT

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Fri 4 Jan 2013, 13:22, closed)

Could I
Spend just one afternoon inside your mind?

Or would it be too crowded
(Pill Popper Thank you Sasha Shulgin, Fri 4 Jan 2013, 13:32, closed)

More of this kind of thing

(McChinaman banned, Fri 4 Jan 2013, 14:03, closed)

Glasscock, I'm afraid.
Exactly the same story was posted in the 'mundane sexual encounter' QOTW back in 2009.

Edit- Apologies, my mistake. The girl was called Michelle in that one.
(FartThroughAWalkieTalkie wished you were dead in ditch on, Fri 4 Jan 2013, 14:13, closed)

I'm sorry, I just don't believe you.
There's a few details that have been stretched a bit too far, I think.
(SpangoTheWonderBadger is brewing beer, Fri 4 Jan 2013, 14:46, closed)

What like?
That a scummy newsagent on a council estate used to sell single fags to schoolkids?
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Fri 4 Jan 2013, 14:56, closed)

I can only see one issue with the story.
Considering the release year of the Megadrive, which I note your mum was in the process of inventing, and the price of cigarettes at the time, the more realistic price for an individual fag at the time of the story would have been 13-14p. Otherwise the newsagent would have been making a small loss on each one sold.
( Muns, Fri 4 Jan 2013, 15:43, closed)

I didn't say it had been released
It wasn't invented in a day.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Fri 4 Jan 2013, 16:40, closed)

Saw this last night .
You've given away the plot of tonight's Hollyoaks.
(Barnetboy, Fri 4 Jan 2013, 15:46, closed)

Fucking. Legend.

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Fri 4 Jan 2013, 16:00, closed)

Bonus points for reviving "kicking a biro down his ear."
Fantastic work.
( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Fri 4 Jan 2013, 17:09, closed)

Hooray! Hoofuckingray!
( Ring Of Fire A petty, drooling belming butthurt retard., Fri 4 Jan 2013, 19:12, closed)

This one
had me crying with laughter. Thank you.
(Nitrous Nitrous, Fri 4 Jan 2013, 21:27, closed)

Fucking
hilarious
(Nur, Sat 5 Jan 2013, 10:19, closed)

I would like to have known some more details about the headmaster's car but otherwise excellent.

( 2 Can Chunder Word to your mums, I came to prod bums, Sat 5 Jan 2013, 17:22, closed)

Superb!

(babyjak, Sun 6 Jan 2013, 9:40, closed)

Yep...
Epic. like
(NoNoNoNoNoNoNoNoNo, Tue 8 Jan 2013, 11:13, closed)

Pretty sure I remember Sue Barker telling exactly that story on Wogan in 1987

(woocfot friends with Sacha Distel, Wed 9 Jan 2013, 4:48, closed)