my gran
She was the Queen's nanny for a while at Sandringham when all the princesses were very little. As she put it,
"Elizabeth was quite sweet, but Margaret was a jealous little s**t who kept trying to kill Anne"
this makes me sound posh. I'm not
(niceandwarmandhot vive la résistance, Thu 3 Aug 2006, 19:33, Reply)

After years of sillver service....
you all talk crap
(el perro grande, Thu 3 Aug 2006, 19:24, Reply)

My great, great, great grandmother
had an encounter with a blue-blooded Frenchman.

Hence my great, great grandfather.
( Parmesan Quality b4 Quantity, Thu 3 Aug 2006, 19:22, Reply)

My mate Puffter Pete
He's never been knighted but he has knelt down infront of a few queens in his time.
(Lt Columbo, Thu 3 Aug 2006, 19:21, Reply)

A chap from my school
left sometime during the sixth form as his dad had died. He returned home to somewhere in sub-saharan Africa to become chief of a large tribe, as his fathers before him. 100% true.
( Parmesan Quality b4 Quantity, Thu 3 Aug 2006, 19:17, Reply)

On my graduation day it said in the booklet handed out "Special Guest: The Queen"
Did she turn up?














Did she fuck
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Thu 3 Aug 2006, 19:02, Reply)

Army Hospital
When I was a Squaddie I was off sick for a few weeks. We were visited by Prince Charles in hospital. The sergeant major gave us all a warning.
“If he asks what’s wrong with you be honest”, he said.
“If he asks what the cure is, be honest”, he continued.
“But if he asks what your ambition is, tell him you want to get back to active service to serve her majesty”. He insisted.

Well I was third in line so Charlie asked the first guy, “What’s wrong with you?”
“Piles”, replied the Squaddie.
“And what is the cure?” asked Charles
“A good scrub around with a toothbrush dipped in Dettol.” replied the Squaddie.
“Have you any ambition?” asked Charles
“Yes”, said the Squaddie, “to get back to active service to serve her majesty”.

Charles then approached the guy next to me (second in line)
What’s wrong with you?” asked Charles
“Gonorrhoea”, replied the Squaddie.
“And what is the cure?” asked Charles
“A good scrub around with a toothbrush dipped in Dettol.” replied the Squaddie.
“Have you any ambition?” asked Charles
“Yes”, said the Squaddie, “to get back to active service to serve her majesty”.

It was my turn next.

What’s wrong with you?” asked Charles
“Bleeding gums”, I replied.
“And what is the cure?” asked Charles
“A good scrub around with a toothbrush dipped in Dettol.” I replied.
“Have you any ambition?” asked Charles
“Yes”, I said, “to get the toothbrush before those two dirty bastards!”
(hal9001, Thu 3 Aug 2006, 18:59, Reply)

Does it have to be British royalty?
In 11th grade I went to a ski trip with my friends. By then skiing had become a pensioners only activity, so I was trying to learn how to snowboard. I sucked but my confidence, boosted by unrestrained juvenile alcohol consumption, exceeded my skill level by far. So, coming down a steep slope, unnecessarily fast and half drunk, I ran fullspeed into this dude wearing gold (think Elvis) overalls. We both flew a few yards in the air and landed on top of eachother. After a few seconds of disorientation and involuntary cuddling I got up, apologized and asked him if he was ok. As he was answering, two enormous and really pissed off looking black guys came-a-running downhill, shoved me aside, picked the golden boy up and started cleaning the snow off his clothes, etc. Turns out I had just crashed into a royal prince of a small African kingdom. His majesty laughed it off, pardoned me, made clicky sounds to his bodyguards (I guess, telling them not to cut me in ribbons) and invited me for a coffee at a nearby chalet. At the end of the coffee and chat I got him to sign my jacket, so that my friends would believe me. He did, with a gold coloured marker too!
(Yachtmaster, Thu 3 Aug 2006, 18:51, Reply)

.....
thank god i've never met any royalty - they
all look like miserable gits on tv. an when
they die they always cancel the tv programs
so they can show footage of the palace.

what do they expect to see the royal corpse dancing
around the palace grounds to the YMCA ??

wouldn't suprise me.
(i eat crayons, Thu 3 Aug 2006, 18:43, Reply)

When I was about 7 years old...
Prince Philip visited my school. I had made a very beautiful Union Jack (I was very fond of making cards, flags, posters etc, and still am) and some cunt from my class nicked it.

To make things worse, the teacher just told me to take the one that was left, and it was shit. HRH The Duke Of Edinburgh took the piss out of me in that sideways manner that only the very very posh can because of the low quality of my flag.

The world can be an awful place sometimes...
( PastorSauce : easy on the anchovies..., Thu 3 Aug 2006, 18:40, Reply)

I once...
... touched Carrie Fisher's bottom in a night club.
(Lt Columbo, Thu 3 Aug 2006, 18:30, Reply)

The queen
totally missed me when i met her (she walked past) and i had to say 'Hi' to Prince Philip insted (Which is mentioned in a previous QOTW!).

Other than that i have had no brush with royalty other than the Duke of Gloucseter who looked at me once!! Though later i watched as someone nearly accidentally took out the Gazebo set up to welcome him with their car!

Happy days!
(The lord Boo., Thu 3 Aug 2006, 18:30, Reply)

I stuck my fingers up at the queen as she went past in her limo'
during a primary school trip..I hope she remembers me :)
( prodigy69 broke b3ta and made everyone leave, Thu 3 Aug 2006, 18:27, Reply)

i was an unofficial photogropher for
one of those tabloid papers a while ago now. anyway, since I was working in Paris I had a lot to do and one day we were supposed to take a pic of Diana and that Al Fayed bloke coming out of a hotel. God knows why that should interest anyone, but there we go and the money was good. The guy at the door told me that they'd gone out the back (sneaky) so I hopped onto my suped-up moped and followed them. they kept going faster and as I drove onto the side to take a photo of the inside, Diana flipped me off. the driver was so shocked that he drove into a pillar.

Needless to say, I got the hell out and said that the MI5 and 6s and the queen had dunnit, and here I am!
( morrybyte made a subtle namechange at, Thu 3 Aug 2006, 18:04, Reply)

Buckingham palace
We did a private show for the good queen's husband. Then we accidentally carried one of the props into a door that probably cost a good 10 grand. And made a large hole. All the staff looked at their feet and pretended it hadn't happened.
He was lovely though. Despite rumours to the contrary, he is a very funny and nice man.
( Madam Marlboro wonders if you've found her yet, Thu 3 Aug 2006, 17:42, Reply)

The Queen
I had her.

She was shit.

Kept crying and calling me "Dave".
( Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Thu 3 Aug 2006, 17:32, Reply)

I tried to meet the Queen Mum once.
When I was a very wee Brownie, our Brown Owl made us endure several freezing hours outside the railway station, waiting for the royal carriage to arrive. EVERYONE had bought flowers to give to the little old lady. Everyone except me that is. All the flower bearing sycophants were pushed to the front by overbearing parents & got to shake her hand. I was completely ignored and consequently grew up into an embittered & desolate harridan.

If you can't see a moral there for potential parents, make one up.
( Hidden Mouse, Sleeping Kitten Gromada? Gromada!, Thu 3 Aug 2006, 17:24, Reply)

I am such good friends with her majesty
That i carry around silver and bronze medalions and some pictures with her face on.
These are so popular, i find that so many people want them, so i exchange some (i have lots, fnar fnar) for food stuffs and other such things.

Plus, the queen personally marks each and every one of the letters i receive via the post with a nice self portrait she drew herself.
she's like my nan, she is.
( Willwillwritehiswill An arse like a slapped face., Thu 3 Aug 2006, 17:24, Reply)

Bonny Prince Charlie
came to visit the old folks home near my school.

Course we bunked off and clambered down there en mass, a roaring, smoking, swearing, sweaty mob of Welsh boys.

The local youth offenders had done the gardens proud with a fine array of daffodils which we quickly decimated and fashioned into crude bouqets to shove at the royal visitor.

The poor man looked terrified as we descended on him - a frenzy of spotty youths screaming 'Charlie! Charlie!'

He was whisked away by his minders into the awaiting roflcopter but left a piece of himself with us forever. My mate had ripped a shining brass button off his blazer.

Stay warm.
( Geoff the Clownfish You know Myra, some people might think you're cute, Thu 3 Aug 2006, 17:20, Reply)

Randy Andy
Not me but a colleague met Prince Andrew when he came to open a new wing of the building we worked in, and she claims he kept looking down her top. Can't say as I'd blame him, but so much for Royal discretion.
(lolwhites, Thu 3 Aug 2006, 17:20, Reply)

Met Bill Clinton once.
Was at some conference thing in the US, when he'd finished speaking all his countrymen rushed to the front of the room, forming a line. I was at the front anway, so I stayed around to see what was going on. He walked along the line, shaking everyone's hand. I wasn't interested, but just as he got to the chap next to me, I raised my hand to scratch my head. He skipped that guy and grabbed my hand, shaking it vigourously. I remember he had a firm grip and orange skin.

Oh and before his speech started, a MASSIVE man came out who was standing about 3ft to his left. I was thinking he was the guy who was going to dive and take the bullet should anyone try it on.
Nope, he was the guy doing the sign language.
(mk1, Thu 3 Aug 2006, 17:14, Reply)

Not me but a close friends cousin...

Highgrove house (prince Charles gaff) is in Tetbury, which is close to Malmsbury, and so the two Princes spend a lot of time around this area (My brother served both of them in Pizza Hut in Swindon - Ordered a meat feast). Harry drinks in the Vine Tree in Malmsbury, where next door neighbours daughter works as a barmaid. The Vine Tree was the pub that Harry got caught smoking dope.

Anyhoo, a few christmas's ago, there was a shindig in the Vine tree, my mate and all his cousins were there, along with Harry. Everyone is getting beered up, and eventually the disco gets going and everyone is having a good time, until my mates cousin bumps into harry on the dance floor. This lad is of the farming stock, and is huge, over 6'6 and built like an outhouse. Harry, unfazed and worse for wear, calls him a *peasent* and told him to piss off.

This lad, not being exactly small, and being surrounded by family and friends, comtemplated hitting the royal shit, on the reasoning that "I'd be in the papers tomorrow".

Sadly Harry got away scot free, but stil continues to drink snakebite black in the Vine Tree.

Also, another Harry story, He's in the Army at Sandhurst now, because he failed his Marines entry test. I know this cos my mate was on the same course as him. Ha, the ginger shit!
( Moonraker isn't the droid you were looking for, Thu 3 Aug 2006, 17:09, Reply)

Princess "Horseface" Anne
Came to visit where I was working once. It was up in the Lake District in a little business park near Whitehaven. It was a right royal pain. Firstly, it was at the height of the I Run Away's bombing campaign so security was as tight as a ducks arse. They even banned cars from the site so everyone had to park about a mile away and walk up a huge hill to get to work. Secondly, the bosses went mental about cleaning everything and making things spotless for the visit. So much so that they even banned us from using the toilets in case we left a floater for her to see.

Anyway, eventually Her Royallness arrived and the chosen few were taken to see her for a bit of being looked down on. For some reason I wasn't chosen (wonder why) and I was banned to the server room and told not to come out on pain of death until she was gone. As I was stuck with nothing to do, I opened the fire door (turned off alarm first) and went onto the fire escape and whiled away the morning picking my nose, reading a book and smoking until she pissed off and I could get back to my office. Eventually a convoy arrived and I caught my one and only glimpse of her as she was whisked away. Thank fuck for that - I was bursting for a piss! Of course, with her gone the toilets were now open again for us proles and I headed for them with my full bladder looking forward to relieving the pressure. Got there and "Curses!!" Bloody huge queue! Only one thing to do. Outside into the deserted car park and a quick whiz into one of the newly laid flower beds.

So there I was, knob in hand, enough pressure built up to power a turbine and this voice came out of nowhere.

"Piss on me mate and I'll kick you bollocks off"

What the fuck? And then the flower bed in front of me moved and this bloody sniper stood up right in front of me followed by other bushes and assorted greenery suddenly turning into very bored looking soldiers.

Funny old world isn't it?

Cheers
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Thu 3 Aug 2006, 17:03, Reply)

I am the King of France
as well being Handsome, gay and a bit of a pædo
( WormuIus, Thu 3 Aug 2006, 16:56, Reply)

While in hospital
my brother was told that Prince Charles would be visiting his ward on some kind of royal visit thing.

On the same day, he was scheduled to give a sperm sample for possible future use, as he was about to undergo chemotherapy which would likely make him sterile.

When my mum phoned him at lunchtime she asked, "How are you today?"

"Great!" he replied, "I had a wank and met a prince."

"Well I hope you washed your hands," she said.
( Mystery_Bob, Thu 3 Aug 2006, 16:52, Reply)

The Royal Wee
I'm descended from Edward II.

However, since he was a randy bugger (men, women and goats) lots of other people are too. The bloodline's about as strong as weak piss.

Still, 10,000th (or summat) in line the throne ain't bad. I could try to pull a "King Ralph" to be Queen, but I think that would result in massive genocide, and to be honest, I can't be arsed.
(The Empress it seems you CAN polish a turd!, Thu 3 Aug 2006, 16:40, Reply)

Never met royalty but
we found out through doing a history project that Anne Boleyn had brother call tenpin
(djgalaxe, Thu 3 Aug 2006, 16:34, Reply)

raining plaster
Im guessing we're taking royalty to mean leaders in general,as some countries dont have royal families

A few years ago,I was really into a band called The Others,who were well known for their 'guerilla gigging'. One time,they were meant to be doing a gig at the V&A museum,which was cancelled at the last minute cos they V&A realised The Others fans are known to be a bit rowdy. The lead singer was (and still is) a really decent guy,so he texted all the fans and said "Meet us at the V&A and we'll have the gig elsewhere.

Well,it turned out the gig was at the Polish Club. Im not sure how they had persuaded them to let 100 scruffy indie oiks in,but they did. However,throughout the gig,the band were getting messages to stop the fans jumping and to quieten down. Eventually the clubs people threw us all out

The reason: the ex-Polish prime minister was having dinner downstairs and the jumping was making plaster from the ceiling rain down into his food.

We then all went and broke into Hyde Park and sat about smoking,drinking and singing.
(Miharu, Thu 3 Aug 2006, 16:32, Reply)

Queen on the wrong side of the road...
Being myself not royal but living in the royal town of Ascot (hold ur nose, tilt upwards and pronounce slowly) - I often have the misfortune of being hampered by local overly-dramatic and power crazed cops and special forces dudes that think everyone breathing is a suspect of regicide (can that work for a queen ??)Now lately, walking as I do home from work past the local beverage parlour - I noticed a traffic cop on a bike, waving me over (or so I thought) - So i proceeded to cross the road,,, mp3 player still plugged in me ears and not paying any real attention.... suddenly I sense a large moving object enter my field of vision.. yes it is a 4 horse-drawn royal carriage carrying Liz & the rest of her royal possy. Well I freeze, the traffic cop gets angry and waves a bit more, carriage decides to go around me and then scuttles off up the wrong side of the road. The road as it happens is called Cheapside... i guess I could say I made the queen go on the cheap side of the road... lol.

PS - what the fuck was that lime green "disguise" - looked like leftovers from a tequila party !!!
(IMMORTALIS DOMINOX, Thu 3 Aug 2006, 16:31, Reply)