"CUNT!!!!!!"
I shout the word "cunt" or sometimes "wanker" out of my bedroom window at strangers purely to see what direction they look in accusingly.

I've not been caught yet.
(trippeh, Thu 31 Jul 2008, 13:27, Reply)

One quick one.
This is a speciality of my brother.

When driving along an empty motorway and encountering a member of the middle lane owners club, how many anti-clockwise circuits (where you pull out two lanes, overtake, pop in two lanes and allow yourself to be overtaken before repeating) can you perform before the car moves in?

On one extraordinary occasion- 22.
(Leonard Hatred briefly did some work on, Thu 31 Jul 2008, 13:21, 7 replies)

Today, I did an experiment
the object of which was to find out whether there was a new QOTW or not.

I found that there definitely isn't.
(Half of Stephen Fry's right buttock pissed on your dog on, Thu 31 Jul 2008, 13:19, 2 replies)

I thought i'd try and write
a reply without using 'cue me' like most people do in their answers.

So cue me sitting here at lunch writing this out....... oh bugger
(djgalaxe, Thu 31 Jul 2008, 13:12, 20 replies)

Big Bangs
At the tender age of 17 I began working in the laboratory of a cardboard factory. The tasks of testing water, industrial effluent and cardboard were OK to start with, but then my mind began to wander… Lunchtimes were spent making assorted incendiary and explosive mixtures that were tested on the roof or in a massive coal bunker.

Once I managed to fill the lab with a dense white fog whilst trying to make ammonium chloride – I just about managed to clear the air as it were before everyone returned from lunch by turning on all the fans, opening all the doors and flapping around with a sheet of cardboard like a demented thing!

A couple of years later I changed jobs and ended up at BOC where I had access to a whole new range of substances to mess with. Hydrogen is pretty deadly so I didn’t mess with that. Carbon Dioxide however goes straight from frozen solid form to gaseous without an intervening liquid phase at normal pressure. This means it increases in volume by a remarkable degree (OK I have forgotten the exact percentage!).

So a rubber industrial tube of about 2” internal diameter around a foot long was procured and stuffed full of dry ice. Clamps applied to both ends and it was stuffed in a cupboard near the laboratory and forgotten about for a few hours.

Our afternoon tea break was interrupted by a loud Ka-Boom. My colleagues’ faces drained of all colour. The manager grabbed a fire extinguisher and warned us to stay put whilst he investigated. He was met by a bunch of guys coming from the other direction and after inspecting every pipe and gas cylinder pronounced the area safe. The cause of the bang was never discovered.

Inspired by the success I took a large block of dry ice home wrapped in several layers of newspaper. Out came the tube and once it was stuffed with the dry ice and clamped it was carried out to the woods behind my parent’s home. My brother & I nonchalantly strolled up and down awaiting the inevitable bang. Minutes went slowly by and after half an hour we turned our attention to the cricket match taking place on the playing fields next to the wood. The bowler was just starting his run up and the tube blew with a deafening bang that reverberated off the houses like a double thunderclap. The bowler halted and the players just stood in stunned silence. People started coming out of their houses and looking over the fence. We retrieved the clamps for later use and scarpered!
( Vambo, Thu 31 Jul 2008, 13:11, Reply)

One I did at school many moons ago:
Question: Can I give myself a tatoo?

Ingrediants needed:
1 really really really boring class
1 fountain pen with non-permenant ink
1 compass
1 pen ink eraser

Experiment:
Draw a PWEI symbol on my wrist in blue ink. Idly sit there poking the drawing with a compass.
When all of drawing has been througholy poked try washing it off with spit.
Panic and go to the bathroom. Discover soap and water doens;t remove any trace of it either.
Try using the ink ereaser pen on the "tatoo"
Feel lots of relif as the tatoo disapears
Get called up to answer a question about the lesson but have no idea what's it's about
Fail to blag it
Get told off
Still wonder to this day if the tatoo is still there but invisible....

Result: Yes you can do your own tatoo but it'll probably fade/blur really quickly if you don't have anything that resembles the right gear.
( Crap Little Monkey Deathstar, so good they built it twice, Thu 31 Jul 2008, 12:50, 2 replies)

Some of the best experiments are food related...
Back at university I got into a fun state of affairs where my housemates refused to wash up, so wouldn’t until they would, etc. so as a result, there were points where we had absolutely no clean crockery. This can make cooking a wee bit difficult, but I seemed to manage somehow through various feats of McGuiyver-esque shenaniganery.

Anyhoo, one evening I rolled in from some drunken escapades in town, and I’d gotten myself a case of the beer munchies. Being a completely poor-arse student and unable to afford the bliss which is a dirty take-out pizza, I looked in the cupboard and found that my food supply consisted of 8p noodles. I grabbed a sack of the stuff and looked around and found no clean saucepans whatsoever. Not a sausage. How could I cook my banquet of epic proportions without such a device? Then I spied it.

The espresso maker.

I’d bought this wonderful device as part of my general caffeine-fiending at uni, and it was amazing. It was essentially a big kettle that went on a hob which held the coffee grounds in a separate container in between the water and the spout, and the boiling water would pass through, leaving a delicious hot beverage. I had something slightly more sinister in mind for it this time.

I placed the block of dry noodles into the coffee trap of the device, threw the noodle spice in with the water at the base, stuck the whole unholy concoction on the stove and set it to heat, and went to watch a re-run of Countdown.

Bweeeeeeeee!

Coming back to find the kettle juddering on the hob, I quickly switched it off and disassembled it to unleash the tasty treats, which were cooked to perfection. After stirring in some ketchup with a plastic fork, I feasted, and was content.

Result!
(LordMatthius http://www.justgiving.com/marathon-matt2009, Thu 31 Jul 2008, 12:48, 2 replies)

Pointless Exercise
I have just phoned my bank to ask why they haven't paid me any interest on my savings account for 2 months. Pointless, pointless, pointless. Automated telephone menus, being kept on hold just to be fobbed off by some over-worked & under-paid phone monkey who probably hopes I choke on my savings account.

The cost of the premium rate phone call will probably negate any interest recovered. Pointless, pointless, pointless....
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Thu 31 Jul 2008, 12:34, Reply)

The England cricket team and management
are currently in the middle of an experiment to see how quickly they can get the media and fans to turn against them.

Results pending, looks promising so far...
(Stu Moo winner of five nobble piece prizes, Thu 31 Jul 2008, 12:19, 3 replies)

More experiments.
Just thought of a few more experiments from my school years;-

School science; a brilliant place to create your own experiments. Lighting a whole coil of magnesium, but getting praised by the (gullible) teacher for burning it on the asbestos mats to prevent damage.

Also stealing powders from the lab technician's trolley, stashing them in our pencil cases, mixing them up and setting fire to them behind the sports hall at lunch. It was excellent, sprouted a conical volcano style structure with spitting embers which cooled to a deep green colour. Really excellent, but have no clue what the 'ingredients' were.
(ice9, Thu 31 Jul 2008, 11:32, Reply)

....that's good shit
Jack was an odd child - chucked out of Steiner school for driving the tractor into a pond, being caught on CCTV holding up a shop, then appearing on Crimewatch that kind of thing. He liked a smoke or two, resin mostly being available.
He wondered, absent mindedly, what it would be like to smoke a turd.
Laying a length of pipe on a piece of tin foil, he left it drying on top of a radiator. The stench was unimaginable. When dry and crumbly, he 'banged one together' with the offending item.
Result? It tasted neither 'like chicken' nor 'a bit gamey'.
(Countryslicker, Thu 31 Jul 2008, 11:18, 2 replies)

Experiment
Can 15 year old friend reach maximum velocity sufficient to launch himself over a 6 foot hedge and land perfectly using just a BMX?


Answer:

No.

Cue much hilarity and the ensuing nickname of 'Daffy', due to his face resembling that of Daffy Duck...
(Scrumpy does not negotiate with terrorists,, Thu 31 Jul 2008, 11:17, Reply)

Sticky pad things
After a REALLY good night in town (beer + pills), headed back to the ex-SO's house via the kebab house. Her brother didn't feel too well so he decided to go without kebaby (did I just invent a word there?) goodness and wandered off back to the house.

Some time later we got back and he wasn't there. Cue me in my drunken/pilled up mood deciding to go look for him.

Ended up finding him with excruciating pain in his chest so called the paramedics - picture the scene, the ex-SO and me out of our heads, but worried, John in agony, and these ambulance peeps saying "We've got to get him to hospital..."

As the (ahem) most lucid of the group, I decided I'd go with him...so off we went in the ambulance.

Got to Accident & Emergency - no-one on the desk at that time in the morning (don't ask me), so ambulance peeps wheeled John up this corridor, closely followed by a gurning snee. Standing in front of an automatic door that only opened from inside, they were scratching their heads wondering how to get rid of us get John the attention he needed. I sauntered up, shoved my hand in the small gap at the side of the door and shoved it open (woohoo - go me).

Got John to a cubicle - Doc hooked him up to all these different monitors and left saying "We'll send someone in to check him in the morning..."

This was about 4am

And so, there I am, still out of it, sitting in a hospital cubicle, John's had some pain relief and gone to sleep, I'm buzzing my tits off...

The experiment
The sticky pads they hook to monitors - I found a drawer full of them. Hmm - how many can I stick to John without him waking up?

:)

About 50 in the end - he woke up covered.

I'm sure I kept a picture somewhere - will look later.

In the end, he was fine - just tore some muscles in his chest. The look on his face when he woke up was priceless though...

I should get out stay in more

Apologies for the length - I'm hungover (yes it's 11am)
( snee held his breath since, Thu 31 Jul 2008, 10:55, 2 replies)

PLEASE REPORT BACK
I really really do want to know - a la "Dumb and Dumber" - if you eat a couple of very very hot chillis (small and red are the best guides to this - nature's warning signals, you know something that gives you hallucinations afterwards coz it is so hot), then would drinking something like Tabasco Sauce or Mustard calm your mouth down? Relatively like?

Any volunteers in the great B3tard tradition? Pleeze?
(beaverwastemanagement a real company. I want to work for them!, Thu 31 Jul 2008, 9:49, 3 replies)

Today's Experiment...
Can b3ta be successfully used as a dating/wifeswapping site?

Your chance to make history ladies!

So here it is - late twenties man, not bad looking, b3ta approved sense of humour, just moved back home to York.
Seeking life-time commitment and/or quick shag.

Come on ladies - form an orderly queue.



Length? You might just find out...
(UXB you said it man. Nobody fucks with the Jesus, Thu 31 Jul 2008, 9:39, 25 replies)

One I discovered last night.
Sparkling water does not good eyewash make.
(davywavy, Thu 31 Jul 2008, 9:36, 1 reply)

Eggy bread
I'm not sure if this actually counts as experimentation, since I had absolutely no doubts about the eventual outcome when I started, but when I was about 4 or 5 I decided to treat my parents by making them breakfast. Having seen them eating what I later realised to be poached eggs on toast, I attempted to replicate the dish by cracking open two eggs, putting each on a slice of bread and putting both slices in the toaster. Result: one fucked toaster.

Credit to my parents though, as instead of giving me a bollocking, they rescued the situation so adroitly that for years afterwards I genuinely believed I was the inventor of French toast...
(Vice Admiral Sir Charles Cockbrush KCB MBE DSO, who is finding it increasingly difficult to log into b3ta.com wants to duck your aunt and kick your puppy, Thu 31 Jul 2008, 9:26, Reply)

How far can I push...
My mother?

Tests:

As a very young child, liberally spreading faeces the length and breadth of the cot and partaking in taste testing.
Conclusion: it really did taste like corn, and mum almost threw up.

Also as a young child, but now with much longer hair - tried to see how far I could lean in to the egg beaters.
Conclusion: After the acute pain and feeling the beaters lovingly nestled against my scalp I decided that their hypnotic powers were no longer a match for me. Also mothers don't like it when you ruin their whipped cream.

Mud pies - thrown or made?
Conclusion: After coating my sister in mud and receiving just as much back, facing a ferocious mother just made throwing not worth it.

Overall conclusion? Mothers just fail to see the funny side of things.
(satellite blows, Thu 31 Jul 2008, 5:18, Reply)

B&Q Tannoy System and Customer Experiments
I spent a while working in B&Q in Sutton whilst in the 6th form. After a particularly boring Saturday morning, me and one of the section managers started trying customer experiments with the tannoy system. The first announcement was:

"Will the man with the beard come to reception please"

Classic. Eight blokes with various styles of beard turn up. We tell them none of them are the right one. Next announcement:

"Will the man with the beard who looks like The Master from Doctor Who come to reception please"

Very hard to keep a straight face at this stage. Two more customers turn up at reception (one of whom had come up on the previous announcement - but thought he might look a bit like The Master). Both told despite having a passing resemblance to The Master (and beards), they are not the droids we are looking for.

Carried on this game for some time, including some crackers like:

"Will the customer who has left an mechanised automaton in the car park please come to reception"

Three people turned up "in case" ????

"Will the lady in the short skirt and high heels please come to reception"

"Will the owner of the mobility scooter currently on fire in the car park come to reception"

One petrified granny turns up on a zimmer. (felt guilty about this one)

Anyway, we got away with it for several hours till the store manager got wind of it. He went mental.

Not really much about experiments I suppose.
(Mandrill, Thu 31 Jul 2008, 2:39, 8 replies)

Yellow car's story reminded me of this.
In the fast lane on the M11 doing about 85-90. Then a Volvo with lights on pulls right up behind me and flashes his head lights. At the first oppotunity I pull out of fast lane and let him pass. Now at what speed will he admit defeat and pull into the slow lane allowing me to pass? If I Immediately pull out behind him and start flashing my headlights. 125mph is the magic number. In conclusion much whooping and hollering and waving at Mr Volvo.
( BindiBaji, Thu 31 Jul 2008, 1:11, 1 reply)

Two pointless experiments
I've got numerous experiments that I've done that are completely pointless, like the old "What happens if I put an elastic band around my finger too tightly?" and "What happens if I put this pin in this socket?", but two just stick in my memory for odd reasons, so here they are.

1) A year back or so, I was intrigued by something someone had posted on a different set of forums I go on (GameFAQs UK board, if anyone cares), about an experience with their toilet. They called it reverse pooping. In essence, this is sitting on the toilet backwards, so you're facing the tank/whatever its called, whilst having a dump. Highly recommended by the way for any of you curious lot, as it feels good for some reason.

Anyway, my pointless experiment was this. Whilst mildly intoxicated, and whilst the housemates were out, I decided it would be great to try and eat dinner whilst on the can. One plate of beans on toast later (hey, I was a student, and drunk, what do you expect, Beef Wellington?), I was sat happily on the toilet, eating and crapping my brains out at the same time.

Only thing that was offputting was the smell, or would have been offputting had I actually got anything to smell with (my sinuses pack up regularly and its gotten to the point where I can't smell anything unless my head is shoved in it). As it is, its one of the few experiments I've pulled off that was actually successful.

Just remember to wash the plate and cutlery up afterwards with some sort of heavy bleach ;)

2) Trying to have a subtle meeting with Mrs Righty Palmer and her five daughters, whilst holding my breath. God only knows why I tried this, I think I must have been really bored or something to try and do this.

Fast forward a minute into the act, and I'm already seeing dark spots on my eyes. Fast forward 15 seconds, and I'm struggling spectacularly not to breath. Add another five seconds, and I've had to abandon the experiment, for fear of falling unconscious, falling off my chair and being found with my pants round my ankles, and my happy fella in my hand by my parents (I was 15 at the time) whilst possibly lying in a pool of population paste.

In conclusion, I probably shouldn't have smoked from about the age of 13 onwards as that contributed to my lungs being absolutely crap. And next time, if I'm gonna do it, to at least put down some sort of mattress to fall on if worst comes to worst.
(Ghost Atreides enjoying incontestable health benefits on, Thu 31 Jul 2008, 1:05, 3 replies)

so you're 14, and you and your two best friends are bored of an afternoon in a small town
one of these friends is male, The other is female.
you and male friend both sorta fancy female friend and are both relatively sexually inexperieinced.
So being 14 and boobs being a relatively recent thing you decide a Threesome would be an excellent idea, after all these are you're best friend and one is a REAL girl.
This was not the glorious success i was hoping it would be, it was fuck off awkward, and watching your friend kiss the girl you are knuckle deep in is not attractive.

The experience taught me a couple of things, First of all Just before a period girls can get discharge (less than pleasant),
Secondly Threesomes are awkward.
And thirdly Having almost no sexual experience will not be helped by a fuck off awkward faux threesome.

I still speak to male best friend, Female best friend is best forgotten like the whole affair.
( Sheehan forevermore owes Ttssattsr beer, Thu 31 Jul 2008, 0:05, 3 replies)

Toilet disposal anarchy
Greetings b3tans,

During a cleaning spree of the upstairs floor of Chateau De La Panteneman, there were bags and bags of stuff to be thrown out. I had really been very thorough indeed. Especially with the vacuum cleaner, cleaning areas around the house on a pedantic level where you wouldn’t even notice or be arsed. I vacuum cleaned the mattresses too. It was quite amazing the dust that can be dragged out of those things. Why I did this was because Lady Pantenewoman crashed over at my gaff and is allergic to everything (pollen, dust, lampposts, paving slabs…ok, a slight exaggeration but you get my drift).

As a consequence, the Dyson needed frequent emptying, which to be frank was getting to be a pain in the arse. Walking downstairs with bags of dust and random crap to dispose. And then I had a disturbing brainwave.

I reckoned that the contents of the vacuum cleaner could be neatly flushed down the toilet. This in theory would save me a job and speed up the task of cleaning no end. I often scrape food from plates down the toilet as a form of waste disposal, carefully doing it when the flush has started, so it goes straight down. This, I have got to an art form. After all, it’s food that hasn’t been processed by the human body, so why shouldn’t it go down the toilet?

So, I promptly decide to empty the vacuum cleaner down the toilet in mid flush, as I do with surplus food from meal times very much like a garbage disposal machine.

You guessed right, it failed.

Dust, you see, when it hits water becomes a horrid sludgy dense mass that can’t be flushed. It flushed ok for a couple of seconds, and then the toilet bowl started rising rapidly. Panicking about flooding the place, I swiftly delved my hand in taking out chunks of sodden dust clumps until the toilet returned to a normal level and flushed properly into a bucket that was in the bathroom.

Conclusion:
Use toilets for bodily waste only. The contents of a vacuum cleaner don’t flush.
(Panteneman Isn't entirely sure why he bothered on, Wed 30 Jul 2008, 22:54, 2 replies)

Alternative payment currency for ice cream.
One time when we were very young kids. The ice cream van came but we had no money. So we came up with an experiment. To see whether we could get away with paying the ice cream man with stones.
So we ordered 2x 99s and proceded to give the ice cream man stones for payment.

Did it work?

No.
(Miggyman, Wed 30 Jul 2008, 22:39, Reply)

Tickets please.
When i was 11 (some 13 years ago) i was enjoying a bank holiday weekend in blackpool with a friend and his parents. We'd managed to do and see everything in blackpool within the first 18 minutes of the weekend but managed to keep ourself fairly occupied for the entire weekend. Come monday afternoon we're on an open top bus approaching the stop we want to get off at.

Bus starts to slow down, pretty much everyone gets up, we were very near the back on the top deck. Now, i'm not one for waiting so i said to my mate (in ear shot of his parents), i bet i can jump over the side and land on my feet.

I did jump, i didn't land on my feet. 13 years, 6 operations, 4 methods of pins and bolts, alot of painkillers both prescribed and not, and hundreds of days of constant agony. Many more years of it to come.

Also, when i was younger (6 or 7) my mum informs me i used to chase lightning with a metal pole. I can't remember this but i'm assured it used to frighten the life out of her.
(clayud, Wed 30 Jul 2008, 21:54, 2 replies)

electricity
Experiments I'd like to see:

You know those muscle toners? Slendertone and the like.
Would it be cruel to plaster loads of the pads all over a paralysed person, rig up a remote control system, and have them shambling about like a really unwilling and clumsy automaton?
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Wed 30 Jul 2008, 21:23, 3 replies)

chocolate starfish
I once managed to fit 76 pence in change and 3 matchsticks up a drunken friends barking spider after they fell asleep.

3x20p
3x5p
1x1p

Can anyone beat this?
(magic the cat will someone please think of the kittens, Wed 30 Jul 2008, 21:12, 6 replies)

shoes
Method:
Sit on the edge of the rock at the Lower Aysgarth Falls and dip one's foot into the torrent in order to wash the horseshit off that you'd stood in.

Conclusion: Lost shoe
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Wed 30 Jul 2008, 20:57, Reply)

quite contemporary
Recently I got fed up with generic 'fry the mince beef and add cook-in sauce' becuase of its general lack of adventure and dull repeatability, so I was jaded with the likes of Dolmio or Ragu.

Therefore, in a quest for novelty I fried the mince with a can of chopped tomatoes instead. Quite nice, a bit bland.

So, next time, added salt and pepper to the chopped tomatoes as well. Quite nice, still a bit bland.

So, next time added Chilli (instead of salt and pepper) to the chopped tomatoes. Quite nice, still a bit bland.

So, next time, added lemon juice and coriander (instead of chilli) to the chopped tomatoes. Quite nice, still a bit bland.

So, next time added Worcestershire sauce (instead of lemon juice and coriander) to the chopped tomatoes. Quite nice, still a bit bland.

So, next time added liquid Oxo (instead of Worcestershire sauce) to the chopped tomatoes. Quite nice, still a bit bland.

So, next time, added soy sauce (instead of Worcestershire sauce) to the chopped tomatoes. Quite nice, still a bit bland.

So, next time added a touch of honey and some garlic (instead of soy sauce) to the chopped tomatoes. Quite nice, still a bit bland.

So, next time added a squirt of burger mustard and tomato puree (instead of honey and garlic) to the chopped tomatoes. Quite nice, still a bit bland.

So NEXT time while slightly tipsy, added garlic, chilli, honey, lemon juice, coriander, liquid Oxo, pepper, salt, soy and Worcestershire sauces, burger mustard and a squirt of tomato puree to a can of chopped tomatoes and into the frying mince.

NICE!

Tastes just like Ragu or Dolmio.
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Wed 30 Jul 2008, 20:44, 5 replies)

Lent
I'm not a Christian guy. But I do like to feel that I'm in control of my life, to an extent.

Back in 2006, Lent seemed a good time to attempt an exercise in self-control. I opted to abstain from sex and masturbation. Again, I re-iterate, this wasn't for religious reasons.

This was to prove to myself that I didn't need to masturbate, I simply chose to. I am not a slave to my sex drive, I am in charge of my sex drive.

Lent, as you probably all know, runs from Shrove Tuesday (Pancake Day) to Easter Sunday. Don't be fooled by Christian propaganda. Lent is not 40 days. It's 40 days, plus 7 Sundays. An additional 7 days might not seem like a lot, but, when you are 35 days in, and you suddenly realise the finish line is 12 days away, rather than the anticipated 5... it can be crushing.

Anyway, Shrove Tuesday. I ate my pancakes, ran upstairs, and had my last wank for 47 days. "That didn't feel great. Nice, but not great." I told myself. "I'll be able to do this."

The first week was very difficult. After that, it wasn't so tough. I found myself doing more things I enjoyed doing. My sex drive lessened during the day, and I managed to contain it during the night. Friends reported that I seemed happier, more upbeat, friendlier. It felt nice.

Then came Holy Week. My last week of abstinence. I knew Easter Sunday was coming. And I knew what this meant. After a month of sex and masturbation being out of my mind, they were back, and they were making their presence known. The nights became tortured, as my balls grew impatient. Spontaneous erections were becoming more and more frequent. It wasn't pleasant. I started wishing the Week away.

Finally, Easter Sunday. I could wait no longer. A friend had known of my plight, and offered her assistance. Still being sane, I accepted her offer.

I didn't last long. I'll bet it was very disappointing for my friend, but it was a massive relief to me. For the first time in over a month and a half, I came. I came and I came. It felt fantastic.

In all, I think I failed. I managed to hold out 'til the end, but I certainly didn't successfully tackle the demon. I didn't prove to myself a lack of need; it felt more like endurance than liberation. A hunger strike, not independence. I wouldn't recommend it to anyone.

I tried again in 2007. I failed that time. Repeatedly. This year, I turned vegetarian for the duration of Lent. That was much easier, and I found that some vegetarian dishes are actually better than their meaty equivalents. I'd recommend this to anyone, it's quite eye-opening.

Length?

About 12.5 seconds
( Thinker, Wed 30 Jul 2008, 20:43, 9 replies)