I say I say I say!
How many seagulls can you fit in a fridge?

About 37!
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 3 Jul 2013, 8:57, 2 replies)

My wife's got no appeal.
How does she smell?

Okcupid.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 3 Jul 2013, 8:30, Reply)

McGangbang
and a Double-Down, nom.
(Ol' Ginger Bastard a role model for the children, Wed 3 Jul 2013, 7:57, Reply)

I say I say I say ... what do you get if you cross a sheep with a kangaroo?
It's unlikely to survive infancy. Cloven hooves would impede its progression to the pouch of its mother and the vastly differing digestive system would likely result in it being unable to feed even if it found a teat. You must be some sort of monster.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Wed 3 Jul 2013, 7:26, 2 replies)

My sheep's got no nose.
How does it smell?

BAAAAAAAd!
( 2 Can Chunder Word to your mums, I came to prod bums, Wed 3 Jul 2013, 7:13, Reply)

My cat's got no nose.

How does it smell?

PURRfect!
( 2 Can Chunder Word to your mums, I came to prod bums, Wed 3 Jul 2013, 7:12, Reply)

My chicken's got no nose.

How does it smell?

FOWL!
( 2 Can Chunder Word to your mums, I came to prod bums, Wed 3 Jul 2013, 7:08, Reply)

My bear's got no nose.

How does it smell?

UnBEARable!
( 2 Can Chunder Word to your mums, I came to prod bums, Wed 3 Jul 2013, 7:05, Reply)

"Waiter, waiter. There is a fly in my soup."
"Keep quiet about it Sir, otherwise everyone will want one."
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Wed 3 Jul 2013, 3:36, Reply)

Weird American Foods
So I've been living in Florida for 7 years today! In that time I've faced all kinds of hatred for being a dirty forrunner, which could be due to all the red coat jokes I keep making.

Any way, a large portion (no pun intended) of the downright hatred* I've faced has been due to the rather poor reputation British food has. Personally I see nothing wrong with fish pie, beans on toast, lamb, hot dog sausages with scrambled eggs for breakfast, ketchup on French toast, the near-IV of tea I consume or the myriad of other things Americans find so grotesque.

So, in retaliation, here's a short list of American foods which really proves they shouldn't be allowed to sneer at Blighty grub:

The Monte Cristo Sandwich
Most commonly it's sliced ham, turkey and swiss and American cheese. Not too bad? It's sandwiched between French toast, fried, topped with icing sugar and served with jam. And chips.

Chocolate chip pancake-covered sausage. On a stick.
Enough said.

KFC's Double-Downs
Previously mentioned, not really that bad as far as flavours go, but just morally wrong.

Corn dogs
Mini hot dogs fried in corn bread batter. On a stick.

Grits
Kind of like porridge but made from corn meal, grits are like a weird gelatinous grey matter which contain no flavour whatsoever. I've tried many ways of eating these (they come as a free side in a lot of breakfast places and I always forget to tell them not to bother) - some people like them sweet, some people like them savory and mix in butter and/or salt and pepper, one girl cut her bacon and eggs into little pieces then poured the grits over it. I like mine in the bin. I'm assuming the gloopiness of grits is the only reason they're not served on a stick.

That said, I am shocked England and Saudi beat America to hot dog stuffed crust and burger-docking-station-crust pizzas.



*Might be more playful banter than downright hatred (in fact I've been nothing but welcomed by the vast majority :) )
(Mr_Lew, Tue 2 Jul 2013, 23:36, 16 replies)

I recently got some fish and chips
I had to take them back in and said, "excuse me, I don't think this fish is cooked"

"I doubt it, Sir, what's wrong with it?"

"It's eaten all me f***ing chips!"



Credit to the late, great Mike Reid on that one.
(Mr_Lew, Tue 2 Jul 2013, 23:18, Reply)

Rhubarb Surprise
I think I've only ever had this once, my Dad made it for the family and it was amazing, I've never heard of it since (possibly before either but I was about 5 when we had it) so it could have been a figment of his imagination. Worked, though...

A base of crushed up chocolate digestives
A middle layer of stewed rhubarb (garden grown the best of course!)
A topping of meringue, much like a lemon meringue pie*

Savor the richness and amazingness.

I loved it so much I even got it published in my school's newspaper, ha!

*NB to all the Americans, the meringue on a lemon meringue pie should be fluffy on the inside with a slightly crispy outer shell. Not this almost chewy crap American LMP's get, a la Sara Lee or Publix bakery ones (using these as the two I've had and therefore definitely enough to judge the whole country)
(Mr_Lew, Tue 2 Jul 2013, 21:17, Reply)

Chicken Tonight
I feel like chicken tonight
But the chicken’s too tight
So I’ll go for a goose
‘Cos a goose is more loose
Or perhaps get it on
With a sexy young swan
Or a turkey I’ll throttle
And frottle its wattle
Or maybe a duck
‘Cos a duck... now I'm stuck
for a rhyme, can anybody help?
(Dr Skagra glorious glargzhem, Tue 2 Jul 2013, 19:32, 2 replies)

Indian Delicious Hot Food To Take Away Sir
[Best read aloud in an Indian accent to the tune of Camptown Races]

Indian Food cooked just for you
Doo-daah, doo-daah
Would Sir chance a Vindaloo?
Oh de doo-daah day

Cooked your favourite way
By credit card you can pay
Gonna pop your curry in a plastic bag
Then you can take it away

Or perhaps a Rogan Josh
Doo-daah, doo-daah
Ever so delicious nosh
Oh de doo-daah day

Cooked your favourite way
By credit card you can pay
Gonna pop your curry in a plastic bag
Then you can take it away

Would Sir like some Pilau Rice?
Doo-daah, doo-daah
It’s yellow and it’s very nice
Oh de doo-daah day

Cooked your favourite way
By credit card you can pay
Gonna pop your curry in a plastic bag
Then you can take it away

And of course a Keema Nan
Doo-daah, doo-daah
Our chef is from Pakistan
Oh de doo-daah day

Cooked your favourite way
By credit card you can pay
Gonna pop your curry in a plastic bag
Then you can take it away

Tomorrow sitting on the loo
Doo-daah, doo-daah
You will shit out molten pooh
Oh de doo-daah day

Cooked your favourite way
By credit card you can pay
Gonna pop your curry in a plastic bag
Then you can take it away
HAI!
(Dr Skagra glorious glargzhem, Tue 2 Jul 2013, 18:45, 2 replies)

A little ditty
The sausage is a cunning bird,
with feathers bright and wavy.
It skates around the frying pan
and makes its' nest in gravy.
(Purpledoris I've got afeckin' job, Tue 2 Jul 2013, 18:19, 2 replies)

Dog Food Dip.
I hosted a rather large party at my house, years ago. Everyone was blind pissed.

Some strange bloke went through all the kitchen cupboards, fried up a big panful of tinned dog food and wandered around the house offering it to all and sundry as a dip. He even had big bag of corn chips to scrape off the last few morsels.

It smelled ok, to the average pissed person. Aftertaste was a bit wrong. No-one was any the wiser until the vomiting started.
( Ken Oath, Tue 2 Jul 2013, 15:55, 8 replies)

I'm hungover as a bastard today.
Just been to the best chippie in town for a Total Burger - a decent, quarter-pounder-sized beef patty, a slab of bacon, a fried egg, melted cheese, fried onions, tomato and token salad in a fluffy, gently toasted bun, accompanied by a cornucopia of hand-cut chips fresh from the fryer, hot, crunchy and as salty as Admiral Nelson's wank-sock. Fucking lovely it was.

I'm thinking of devoting a chapter to it in my upcoming novel, "Man Buys Food, Eats It".
( .Yeti. El amor en los tiempos del cólera, Tue 2 Jul 2013, 14:33, 1 reply)

The continuation of Airman Gabber's Artery clogging experiments... The KFC Doubledown.
Before going to America in 2011 I'd heard of the legendary KFC 'Bunless Burger' where they use chicken instead of bread. After searching through Las Vegas & Orlando to no avail we finally went into a KFC in New York and asked where we could get a double-down. "Oh you can get them at all KFC's. We just don't advertise it for health reasons."

"We'll take 2!"

So this is how it looks in the Advert.



This is how it was presented to us. Although visually it was a disappointment when tasted was as good as anticipated, if not better. If we'd not been on the last day of our holiday we'd have gone back for another one



Some Months later I had a drunken pop at recreating it. Not having access to the Colonels (ahem) special sauce I had to improvise.

Behold!



I punched my arteries in the tits when I ate this baby.

They have now gone on to make the Doubledown Zinger burger so a repeat journey across the atlantic is a must. Bastards still don't serve them in the UK though.
( Airman Gabber Living life like a 70's BBC presenter, Tue 2 Jul 2013, 11:37, 19 replies)

Pigge ffarced
Take rawe egges, and drawe hem thorgh a streynour, And then grate faire brede; And take saffron, salt, pouder ginger, And suet of Shepe, And do medle al togidre into a faire vessell, and put hit in the pigge wombe Whan he is on the brocche, And then sowe the hole togidre; or take a prik, and prik him togidur, And lete him roste.

Serv wyth potatoe chyppes and a grene ysalat, upon the couche whilst beholdynge Ystendres.
( .Yeti. El amor en los tiempos del cólera, Tue 2 Jul 2013, 11:09, 4 replies)

I'm genuinely enjoying this week.
Even though the drearily detailed primary school 'recipes' were mocked within the first few hours the MiseryDulls are still posting more. Can we do times tables next week? Or 'plasticine models of mummy'?
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Tue 2 Jul 2013, 8:56, 20 replies)

Cheesy Vegemite Scrolls.
*For all you derprived pommie and Atlantic Cousin saddos - vegemite is the fucking God of Kings' fud.*

You'll kneed -
a sheet of frozen puff pastry.
About a tablespoon of vegemite.
Some cheese (a small handful of grated) - I suggest a strong, bitey cheddar mixed with some mozzarella to temper the ched.

You need too -
heat oven, line a tray with baking paper.
Wait until pasty is defrosted.
Smear vegemite over pastry covering all but a 10mm strip on 1 side.
Sprinkle cheese mix evenly over the top. Press down.
Roll pastry from the end opposite the unadulterated strip. Put some water on your finger and coat the strip. Roll quite tightly onto the pure, virginal strip.
Cut 12mm rounds using a santoku knife so it doesn't stick.
Place rounds cut side down onto the baking paper.
Bake in the oven for 10-15 min or until the pastry in brown or until the cheesy vegemite mix has bubbled up looking for all the world like your kid's meconium.
Turn off oven (shouldn't have to say this but... b3ta), remove tray from oven (tea towel or oven-mitt may alleviate burning here), allow scrolls to cool, if you can wait.
Munch happily.
EDIT: Any spelling/grammar mistakes are best fwded to shambo.
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Tue 2 Jul 2013, 8:40, 46 replies)

Holiday breakfast
Lots of black pudding.

And bacon, eggs, sausages, fried bread, beans, plum tomatoes and a glass of Guinness.

Oh, and if I had them, I would be treating the bull seals and crabs a snack of fried troll bollocks if I had the opportunity :)
( Tesco Quality 60.825659, -0.788337, Tue 2 Jul 2013, 2:24, 2 replies)

I once ate some poor people food.
The wife, bless 'er, instead of going to Waitrose went into a food shop for those people who wear athletic attire and bought some awful things.
Gave her a whopping black eye, haha, a real shiner; but we laughed about it later after I'd vomited on the dining table.

Because darlings, you haven't lived unless you have constructed your own adobe falafel oven and tasted the pure essence of the night markets of North Africa while your awful children bore the neighbours with their travel tales.
( Infidel , shit and wrong, Tue 2 Jul 2013, 2:19, 1 reply)

Minge.

( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Mon 1 Jul 2013, 21:39, 14 replies)

There was a man called Greg
Who went to work on an egg
When he hit a speed bump
The egg shot up his rump
And then lodged inside his rectum where the warmth caused it to hatch into a chick that then pecked it's way out of his colon causing blood to pour out of his bumhole and run all down his leg.
( 2 Can Chunder Word to your mums, I came to prod bums, Mon 1 Jul 2013, 21:30, 2 replies)

The Scotch Eggs of Doom
Three Scotch eggs on Ivor’s plate,
Two well past their sell-by date -
Dare he eat one and tempt fate?
(We’re all ears, we’re all ears)

Now only two eggs remain;
Ivor’s ate one – he’s insane!
Now his guts constrict in pain.
(How he fears, how he fears)

One Scotch egg sits all alone
On the plate beside the phone.
Ivor starts to shake and groan
(He feels queer, he feels queer)

Now no Scotch eggs at all are left!
The china plate is quite bereft!
And Ivor? He’s well past his best
(End is near, end is near)

The Scotch Eggs of Doom Ivor ate
Sealed his grim and grisly fate
His visitors will have to wait
(Shed a tear, shed a tear)
(Dr Skagra glorious glargzhem, Mon 1 Jul 2013, 20:17, Reply)

There was a young lady from Hyde,
who ate twenty green apples and died.
While her lover lamented,
the apples fermented,
and made cider inside 'er insides.
( The Awful Puppy Bakery is still bored, Mon 1 Jul 2013, 19:56, 1 reply)

There was a young barmaid from Sale
On her breasts were the prices of ale.
And on her behind,
for the sake of the blind,
was the same information in braille.
( Two Hats I saw someone eating M&M's with a spoon, Mon 1 Jul 2013, 19:46, 7 replies)