In the name of science
I found that twatting a chimp with a baseball bat makes it "A bit irritable"

I also found that flung chimp poo flies further than you would think.
(Big D, Thu 13 Nov 2008, 18:14, Reply)

My kids claimed to have found a baby at Shell Island.
I said naaah, no way! People don't leave babies lying around!
But it was true.

They'd found a toddler of about 3 and a half, who'd sneaked out of the back of the family tent and gone off to find the beach.

She'd got stuck halfway down a little cliff thing thing, surrounded by spiky plants, and couldn't get up or down.

The kids and I formed a human chain and dragged her up to the top, and I stood her on the bonnet of my van so she could point out where she'd come from.

In the distance we could see a woman blundering about in more of the spiky bushes, dementedly calling a child's name.

I asked the toddler, who's that? and she calmly replied 'Mummy!'

Mummy was obviously fraught with fear. This was soon after James Bulger's murder, so I can imagine what was going through her head.

We attracted 'Mummy''s attention and the child was soon returned to her family.

When Madeleine McCann disappeared, I bet 'Mummy' thought of my kids and blessed them.
(Juan Quar is clinging to her front teeth on, Thu 13 Nov 2008, 18:10, 1 reply)

right i`ve lost the will to breathe
CHANGE QOTW
PPPLLLLLLLLLEEEEAAAAAAAASSSSSSSSSEEEEEEEEEEEE
(Nahla, Thu 13 Nov 2008, 17:59, Reply)

A few weeks back
One of my cats - not Basil the Smug Cat but Kitty the Flat Faced Cat - another rescue job - caught a mouse.

Nothing strange about that.

However, an hour or so after she'd caught this mouse I found three tiny baby mice foetuses on the path where Kitty had eaten the mummy mouse and spat out the babies.


They were all gone by the following morning.
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Thu 13 Nov 2008, 17:34, 4 replies)

An audacious claim!
I jsut found this:

swordfishtrombone invented the word Flolloping.

Myself and the missus have used this work for nearly 3years. It describes the act of a lady juggling her boobies.
( SpikeyPickle wishes he was mabazaritchie, Thu 13 Nov 2008, 17:28, 3 replies)

I found ALL THE KEYS TO THE NATWEST BANK
lyimg in the road, in a black leatherette pouch, next to the local branch.

About 18 keys, all sorts, including Chubb ones. I expect they were for the safes.

I handed them in to the nearby cop-shop and continued home. Within the hour a well-dressed but agitated middle-aged man was on my doorstep, offering me a large (but not vulgarly so) box of good quality chocolates.

He thanked me for returning the keys but wouldn't admit where they were from. I cajoled him a bit over it, as he pulled out a big hankie and wiped sweat off his forehead.
He looked to me like a VERY relieved bank manager.

The keys did belong to the Natwest bank, as the letter I had from the police a few weeks later confirmed.
(Juan Quar is clinging to her front teeth on, Thu 13 Nov 2008, 17:25, Reply)

My teacher having a heart attack in her classroom just before the end of lunch...
Yep, that's right, I did.

She was grabbing her shoulder and making this wierd piercing screaming sound and pushing books off her desk. Which I personally thought was really melodramatic...

Thing is, I didn't really think too much about it at first and used it as an excuse to be naughty - threw my books on the floor, kicked them nice and hard, then walked over to her to help.

Must have been about 10 seconds of me looking at her and being defiant before I actually did anything - and if you think about it, thats actualy quite a long time and is also quite worrying.
(prang007, Thu 13 Nov 2008, 17:24, Reply)

I've been sitting here
All afternoon with a bastard of a headache.
I was looking in my desk for a pencil, and I came across a packet of Co-codomol. Fuck you headache!
( Cawl, Thu 13 Nov 2008, 17:24, 5 replies)

I phoned a taxi
At a house party to do a quick pick-up for us as we were short of Vodka. I said get Smirnoff 70cl, and if the worst comes to the worst get own brand any old shite Tesco Vodka...

Half an hour later the taxi turns up with:



TESCO VALUE GIN


I don't recall much thereafter...

=edit=
Hmm let me rephrase that for the sake of QOTW.

When the Taxi turned up I found that he'd purchased......

TESCO VALUE GIN

sickysickspewspew followed
( whenanimalsattackhumans clad in global hypercolour, Thu 13 Nov 2008, 17:13, Reply)

Skid Marks in my Father's pants...
I know, shudder shudder. It was rank. And I think to a certain degree it make me respect him a teeny weeny itsy bitsy fraction less than I had previously.
Sounds drastic I know but there is something about a person who doesn't have the ability to wipe their own arse properly that really gets to me. It's as if it shows incompetance for the most basic tasks.
Urgh...
(prang007, Thu 13 Nov 2008, 16:53, 5 replies)

You'll find...
...Smee again! Goan f**k youself!

(Inspired by a classic joke www.anxietyculture.com/jokes.htm)
(The Incredible Sulk Finally remembered his password on, Thu 13 Nov 2008, 16:51, Reply)

First post in a long time!
Last?
( speedyballbangpots, Thu 13 Nov 2008, 16:49, Reply)

FIRST!

( Dr Preference AjcuiVd289, Thu 13 Nov 2008, 16:47, Reply)

You'll find...
...Smee again!
(The Incredible Sulk Finally remembered his password on, Thu 13 Nov 2008, 16:47, Reply)

interesting watching the last few pages
Does nobody here have anything else to do?
( rofl harris, Thu 13 Nov 2008, 16:42, 4 replies)

Short and sweet...
absolutly skint, in my student house, scraping around coppers to get enough for some baccy - anything... was nearing the 1.20 or what ever it was, but needed the extra 10p...

Aham - the ovver sized coffee cup that I keep crap in - there should be coppers in there.

Small red pouch thing - I open and find 2 20's and a tenner!!! Rich!!! so I went and got beer too!

I found a knife as a kid out the back of a pub hidden to be found later - but dad took it off me as it had been double edge sharpened... and the tip broken off, no blood though.
(feedingtimeatthezoo day 1 of his bikini diet started, Thu 13 Nov 2008, 16:42, Reply)

I found...
that people are like slavering dogs.

Also, I once found a pube in a pizza.
( CaptainCrackerjack live trout, slow motion, Thu 13 Nov 2008, 16:38, Reply)

Y'know
I reckon Rob is there, watching us beg him, saying "beg me harder, bitches".

And just for that, I say nay. Run this QOTW another week. Let Pooflake run wild with puns, and everyone else run wild with tales of funding narcotics under things. Begging is for dogs and hobos.
(GONEism, Thu 13 Nov 2008, 16:34, 10 replies)

I just found...
...some nose gold. Now to share it with the townspeople.

First post. How was it for you?

*EDIT* So exciting, after so many years lurking I finally post a story...albeit a very lame one but still. Yay for me! :o)
(RVD420 has his world coming down on, Thu 13 Nov 2008, 16:33, 1 reply)

I found...
an ex here on b3ta. Was a surprise to bump into her after god knows how long, but nice to know that she's ok and to genuinely feel glad she's happy. Rather surprised myself with my maturity and affection. Yay for me!
(Chad, Thu 13 Nov 2008, 16:30, 1 reply)

Found Eh?
I once found €70 at the bottom of a pool in Lanzorate, not to shabby for a 13 year old. Also In Spain I found a Wallet with No id in it just cash, so I .. eh handed it in to the security desk...

Oh and last night i found a tenner in a night club so that sorted breakfast today.

EDIT: Click I like this to change the QOTW its new, quickly Now!
(Lukekull Fuck, Thu 13 Nov 2008, 16:29, Reply)

Oh, for God's sake
Stop complaining about the time it takes for QOTW to end, Watch pot springs to mind.

It's usually after 5pm as most of you well know by now.

*not that it matters to me cause I've rarely got anything interesting to post.

**goes and sulks....

***and hopes the new one will be soon
(Kip, Thu 13 Nov 2008, 15:49, 5 replies)

Right
That's it,

I'm taking off my clothes and not putting them on till a new QOTW is opened!
(Fuckarma was masturbating into your handbag, Thu 13 Nov 2008, 15:46, 18 replies)

And whipped cream

(Nahla, Thu 13 Nov 2008, 15:43, Reply)

I once found...
...a wooden block in the shape of a foot, which had clearly once belonged to a shoemaker or cobbler.
(Vice Admiral Sir Charles Cockbrush KCB MBE DSO, who is finding it increasingly difficult to log into b3ta.com wants to duck your aunt and kick your puppy, Thu 13 Nov 2008, 15:41, 1 reply)

Pretty please with a cherry on top?
Or the next thing I find will be something to slash my wrists with.
(GONEism, Thu 13 Nov 2008, 15:40, Reply)

Pretty please
Can we change the QOTW
(Nahla, Thu 13 Nov 2008, 15:37, Reply)

A Hand
Not me technically, but a chap at college, spaceman Ed- who could have featured in last weeks qotw.
Picture the seen, 5 fresh faced young lasd eating dinner, making conversation about girls and stuff, when Spaceman ed pipes up
" Oh I forgot to tell you , We found a hand in our back garden ."
Conversation stops
"what???" says four quite alarmed confusci
"YES THERE`S A MURDER HUNT"
"WHERE????"
"at home" says spaceman
"what? our home?" says four even more alarmed housemates confusci.
"no my parents house" says spaceman- now his parents weren`t short of a bob or two, they had a house with a tennis court, but his dad washed his hair in washing up liquid. half the house was full of junk, the other faded grandeur.I digress
next question from mr confuscious
"when was this then??"
and the delightful reply, from our apted named fellow was
"weeks ago"
confucious he say" whatyoufoundahandinyourparentsbackgardenandyouforgottofuckingtellyourfuckingmates!!!!!"very quickly.
"yes..sorry...i must have forgotten..." says spaceman.
HOW THE CUN*YFU*K YOU CAN FORGET TO TELL YOUR MATES THERES A MURDER HUNT IN YOUR BACK GARDEN???
Anyhoo- turns out after the police investifgation- said hand was a mummified ancient hand and not the butler/cleaner/bastard son of spaceman.
But the spaced outtwat had forgot to tell us.
(rural confucious, Thu 13 Nov 2008, 15:28, Reply)

I once worked in a call center
and made a call to a Mr Cadaver whose wife informed me that he had recently passsed away. That was the last stiff I phoned.
( stopmeandslapme Cometh the hour, cometh your mum, Thu 13 Nov 2008, 15:24, 3 replies)

I've found...
that thursday afternoons seem to drag more now that b3ta takes forever to change its QoTW...
(Chad, Thu 13 Nov 2008, 15:20, 3 replies)