Roll up, Roll up!

Pooflake Independent Traders ltd is proud to present:

*drumroll*

The ‘When is the fucking QOTW going to change this week?’ super-deluxe-mega-tastic fun-fun-fun sweep stake!

Simply deposit your £1.50* in my paypal account and you'll be able to place your bet.

Our dead clever computer system thingemybob will process your punt and the lucky winner could receive anything up to seventeen (yes that’s right, seventeen!) whole English pounds!!!*

£££££ SIGN UP NOW!!! £££££

Current odds:

Before 10am: 10000/1 (aka not a cunting black forest gateaux’s chance in Fern Britton’s dressing room)
10am – 11am: 75/1
11:01am – 12pm: 50/1
12:01pm – 1pm: 25/1
1:01pm – 2pm: 10/1
2:01pm – 3pm: 5/1
After 3:01pm – 7/2f

I’m also taking outside bets on:

‘They’ll probably forget again like they did last week and it will be about 6 O’bastard clock at night before it changes…by which time I’ll be back home and I’ll miss the whole spacking thing’ – evens

and: ‘ ‘I don’t give a badger’s bell-end when it changes, as long as it happens before I knack my keyboard by repeatedly pressing F5’ – 3/1

Also proving very popular is: ‘The very second I go for a piss / dump / get called to a meeting’ - 75/1

Only really clever and sexy people will have the pure blatant brilliant-ness to realise that this is a once in a week lifetime opportunity!

Just take a look at what some of our past munters punters have to say:

“I thought it would be another one of those ‘scam’ things I hear so much about, so I felt a proper twat when I won first prize” - Ethel, Droitwich

“As soon as I placed my bet I immediately became more attractive to laydees and my cock grew by 4 inches” - Barry, Doncaster

So give me your money before this incredible offer runs out! (actually, you’ll probably have loads of time)

WIN WIN WIN, LUCKY LUCKY LUCKY, FUN FUN FUN, not at all exploitation etc.



Disclaimer@Fireflier – you’re not allowed to lay the odds on betfair *winks*

* taking into account administration fees, booking costs, wanker tax, and the very likely possibility that I will just take your cash and spunk it all away on frivolous items.
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Thu 7 Aug 2008, 9:37, 13 replies)

Axai :)
It works - I'm saved :)

Alternatively in a week, I'm fired....
(james_tiger_woods is going to start his killing spree on the, Thu 7 Aug 2008, 8:55, 1 reply)

Been done?
I got Rich quick - he didn't know what hit him :D

(Sorry if it's been done!)
(james_tiger_woods is going to start his killing spree on the, Thu 7 Aug 2008, 8:54, Reply)

Money for old, well, plates, well, new plates...
A few years ago, my then boyfriend was working for a ceramics company. He went along to a works sale and bought some bits and pieces backstamped with 'Property of ***. Never to be sold'.

A backstamp is the mark underneath the glaze, which can't be forged. It was all genuine.

The lot cost him about three quid, and were actually design tests for sets of poncy collectables. Their status as unique 'extras' made them the mutt's nuts for collectors.

We put them on ebay and in a few days made enough dosh to buy a spanking state-of-the-art PC for my son, who was about to start his Oxford science degree.

(You know who you are, little b3tard!)

Questions were asked at a high level in the company but no action was possible as a. the items had been legally if mistakenly sold in the first place and b. we had cleverly sold them under my name so the sale couldn't be traced back to an employee.

I still have some pieces carefully wrapped and stashed at home, against my retirement. They can only increase in value.

As an example, one is a commemorative china item, of an expensive type which was only produced in X factory.
However, this one has the backstamp of Y factory, (which was closed down soon afterwards) as it was a one-off glaze trial or something. This makes it a unique, highly collectable 'extra'.

OK, I won't be retiring any time soon on my investments, but it's nice to know they're there!
(Juan Quar is clinging to her front teeth on, Thu 7 Aug 2008, 7:52, Reply)

Get rich from me
Easy, persuade me that item x is something shiny that i have to have, direct me to it on ebay and charge me a shitload of money for some chrome covered tat that i don't need.

I've been doing that for years...

Am still here by the way, just not as much as i'd like due to the site being work blocked how are you all? :-)
(james_tiger_woods is going to start his killing spree on the, Thu 7 Aug 2008, 7:01, 10 replies)

Paper Boy
I had a paper route. It was centered around an apartment complex which was populated mostly by 20-30 year old, relatively affluent folks.

So, one day, I am 12 by the way, I was delivering my papers and I passed a large dumpster (trash can, skip) and saw a group of magazines, stacked together and tied up with string.

I thought: Hmmm...magazines, eh? So I sauntered up to check them out and RESULT! They were porn mags!

So I placed them in the woods and finished my deliveries and returned to collect them and slip them into my paper bag.

Word gets around QUICK when you've found a stash of girly mags. Over here, they were ACE mags: OUI, Penthouse, some of the racier porn mags. So guys started coming up to me after school and saying things like "Listen, I wanna buy one of your mags!"

So I sold them for $1 each...unless they were particularly racey, then I sold them for $2. I figured it was a short lived experience. Until:

The following month, about mid-month, once again, there was a stack of those lovelies near the dumpster. The bonus here is that whoever it was that was putting them out there, they were decent enough to put them OUTside the dumpster, and not in it!

For six months this went on. I was absolutely raking it in! I would secret them underneath of my Dad's radial saw. A PERFECT hiding place...or so I thought!

Until the day my Father decided he wanted to move the saw to vauum the sawdust underneat it. I was busted! My Father DID have a moment (unfortunately, I learned this LATER) where he was envious of my mercantile abilities, but he got through that pretty quickly before he 'tanned my hide.'

I got rich. But as in most things in life: there was a price to be paid!
Cheers!

Citadel
( Citadel Because the world needs less morons, Thu 7 Aug 2008, 6:03, Reply)

Slight Pearoast
After I had my first "adult" (post-studenty) craziness event (ahem) in 2002 and took three months off I tried to get back into work in the UK and - given that I work in a fairly specialist profession - my craziness had gotten around and no-one was prepared to offer me a job.

This caused me not some little concern. In my previous roles I'd been quite successful in the provision of patentable technologies and in accuracy etc and now no-one wanted to employ me? "Fcuk 'em", as I believe I may have said once or twice.

So - I started contracting, and have been ever since. Instead of making ~£40,000 / annum, I started making €600 / day (€12,000 / month).

I'm now making a bit more than that but - as covered previously, I've no job security but I'm happy. Still able to take admissions to hospital and take my meds when necessary at my convenience.
(Eds Meds Mathskillz=1,Socialskillz=0, Thu 7 Aug 2008, 5:31, Reply)

Too late for clicks but it works.
1) Advertise a seminar.
Call it "How to make $10,000 in two weeks- guaranteed."

2) Rent a hall or conference centre. One that seats say, 250 people. Pay no more than $2500 for the venue.

3) Sell 250 tickets for $50 each.

4) Read them the above post.

If you follow it to the letter, and don't diddle daddle, there is your money making scheme!
(Edktstsss, Thu 7 Aug 2008, 5:19, Reply)

i've sold sperm (as described in a previous qotw).
i've faked autographs and sold the books/records/sports items. i pick up odd jobs on accasion (painting mostly, but other contract work). also done some nonsense photography and porn-making (both sides of the camera, but don't go looking for pics of me unless you are mad). sold junk online more than a few times - books mostly, as i used to deal in them quite a lot (sold off about 90% of my personal collection just this past year).

i'll also kill your enemies for a fee. email in my profile if you want to hire me.
( postbear has metal knees, Thu 7 Aug 2008, 4:44, Reply)

Get rich quick
Buy some second hand shoes from a charity shop.
Open an ebay account.
Take a pic of your feet wearing the shoes, dont forget to slop on a bit of mud and a splat of chewing gum on the sole.
Wax lyrical about well worn, a bit sweaty, gay interest etc.
Dont believe me?
I just saw a manky pair of trainers not fit for the bin sell for £82 with a description like that.
Sods
Ive got feet like the elephant man so it wont work for me.
(insomniac-surfer oh go on then, just this once, Thu 7 Aug 2008, 1:48, Reply)

Oh...
Aint it a lovely feeling, I put my lovely, only worn on special occaision, leather jacket once and found a crisp £20, It's like free money!
First post Woo!
(KavyMan Living on the ceiling, no more room down there..., Thu 7 Aug 2008, 0:52, Reply)

Start a Religion
Didn't do Hubbard any harm.

You also get free reign to indoctrinate those too idiotic to make their own decisions with the belief that all of their problems may be solved by spending 75% of their time on their knees muttering to some non-existant entity and asking said entity to also smite down all other idiots too dull-witted to coalesce their own formative opinion (however aneamic and weak willed) in the name of their God the one true God.

APPLY NOW and receive FREE everlasting life, spurious outbursts of hatred towards other ecumenical disciplines, and a lifelong devotion to the misguided assumption that you, yes YOU, are indeed doing God's work.

Terms and Conditions may apply; Offer open only to those willing to overlook rampant theocracy driven wars, child abuse, incest, murder, hypocrisy and the possibility of an afterlife where you may in actuality be judged for the above. Individual deities can not be held accountable for any discomfort in the after life experienced by said persons perpetrating cuntish actions in the former. All consumer rights remain.
(mymilkshakebringsallthemongstotheyard poison hearts, poison minds - joining hate, Wed 6 Aug 2008, 23:50, 2 replies)

First Post!

In my first year of sixth form I knew a man who could get litre bottles of vodka for a fiver each. So I bought a crate of it. Every Thursday and Friday I’d borrow a bike
to pick the vodka up at lunch time, take it into school for the afternoon, and sell it to the kids as soon as they got out of school.

I only managed to sell 24 litres before I got caught and almost thrown out. My dad went ballistic but I think he was secretly impressed with my business sense.

Shortly after I got caught I looked the name of the vodka up on google and found out it wasn’t even real vodka (the labels looked like they were made in Microsoft Paint).
It was actually counterfeit vodka which was made in a warehouse in Manchester and could make people go blind. So it's a good job I got caught before I blinded any 15
year old girls.

www.manchester.gov.uk/site/scripts/news_article.php?newsID=200

That's the stuff.
(daveywavey123, Wed 6 Aug 2008, 23:15, Reply)

My local Chinese takeaway...

The sainted 'Eastern Star'...have closed for a week.

They are so rich that apparently they can afford to shut the whole cocking place down and piss off on holiday!

And why / how can they do this?

Because me and my fat ass have systematically paid for their happy trip with my insatiable greed and addiction to their delicious lovliness in tupperware containers.

Enjoy it while you can, you holidayng fuckers...I'll be waiting when you get back.

*rubs tummy*

...

In the meantime, can anybody recommend a good Chinese Takeaway that delivers in the Coventry area and serves sublime manna from heaven in a convenient tub?

The moral of this story is...you can get very rich...very quickly....all you have to do is be expertly skilled in cooking delicious Chinese takeout...and live near me.
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Wed 6 Aug 2008, 22:04, 3 replies)

Yes indeedy...

I wish to make the announcement that as of noon today I officially own all copyrights of usage to the word 'Fuck'...

Now each and every one of you owe me big time...

Mwuuuuhaaahaaahaaahaaaaaa!

Edit: After re-reading this post, I now owe myself a few quid.

fucksocks.

fucking hell, I did it again.

fuck
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Wed 6 Aug 2008, 21:57, 5 replies)

Don't Drink and Drive
Too late to make any sort of a mark, but the two lessons I have learned in life....

1. Don't Drink
Actually, give up your vices, whatever they are. They'll cost you money in the short run and long, and really aren't worth it. I spend out £2k + each year on wine, and I wish I could stop.

2. Don't Drive
It's becoming more obvious nowadays, but think about how much you spend on petrol... is it really worth it? How often do you drive out of habit rather than need? Try walking, or cycling instead.
(Captain Skippy pooed in a bag and left it on your doorstep, Wed 6 Aug 2008, 21:14, 2 replies)

There is but one thing I can think of to say on this subject.
Never, ever risk more than you can afford to lose. Because no matter how good it sounds, there's always going to be risk involved, and a good chance you'll never see your money again.
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Wed 6 Aug 2008, 20:59, 1 reply)

Women..
Marry some bloke, divorce him for no readily apparent reason, and fuck off with the proceeds of the house that he's worked his fucking arse off for.
( social hand grenade I was a lurker before you were a lurker, Wed 6 Aug 2008, 18:51, 8 replies)

Become an MP
Get elected in as your local MP. Get your wife/kids/dog/budgerigar/hamster all on your payroll. Claim 8 times as much for everything. Commute once a month to Westminster in your chauffeur driven Maybach and make sure that you get publicized for taking the train (which in reality is still more expensive in Standard, let alone first class).

Length? No longer then your average lie from any MP.
(Rikaitch is full of crap ideas., Wed 6 Aug 2008, 17:28, 1 reply)

New PCs for (normally) as little as £30
This is easy. Everyone has access to a well and truly ancient PC. Open it up, bend a pin on the CPU or switch it to 110V if you're in Europe, and enjoy a little firework display. Do NOT break it by throwing it out a window/down some stairs. Make sure it does absolutely nothing when you turn it on. Call our friend Churchill (or whoever) and make a claim on the house insurance. You'll have to pay the excess (normally £30-£50) and you might end up with a voucher for Pissy World, but you'll still end up with a new PC.

I get old ones all the time, and sell them on by doing this for people. I even do a conveyance for them, stating what's wrong. The insurance company doesn't even investigate. The customers love me.
(Rikaitch is full of crap ideas., Wed 6 Aug 2008, 17:20, 8 replies)

There he goes again
There was a man, in times of yore,
who walked with burley gait,
His fashioned arms,
swang too and fro,
A stride clans would debate.

His mighty march, would fill the sails,
of all who saw him canter,
his tongue was quick,
to fill the air,
with mirth, folley and banter.

He wandered forth, unto the hills,
in naught but socks and cheer,
the wenches he happened upon,
would grin from ear to ear.

His beard was stout, his eyes were true,
barrel chested, honest stock,
for many reasons none could mock,
you'd hear a titter "what a cock!"

It's girth matched only by it's size,
its merry eye would hypnotise,
the hoards the thing could mesmorise!
it slapped and chaffed upon his thighs.

His name by chance was Brian Blessed,
his terrible groin was a mass of writhing bore worm,


oh, "get RICH quick!" i thought you said "worrying poems about brian blessed".
(jindodsdadsdogsdead I am not stusut79, Wed 6 Aug 2008, 16:43, Reply)

A stay of execution!
Just had a phone call from the beautiful-but-unknowingly-broke Mrs Downhill telling me that she's going to be late home tonight...where are we up to with the get rich quick ideas, boys and girls??

*sweats uncontrollably*

Oh..and thanks HSBC, for nothing.
(downhill without brakes . It was the worst day of my life, Wed 6 Aug 2008, 16:07, 9 replies)

Make money from the crushingly inevitable
1) Buy the rights to Rhianna's 'Take a Bow'.
2) Charge the producers of X Factor £10 every time they use the maudlin piece of cack as incidental music for the auditionees' sob-stories in the forthcoming series.
3) Sit back and watch the money roll in as an endless procession of Somerfield cashiers blub through the tragic tale of their mother/gran/dog's recent death (plus the bit about how their dying wish was for their daughter/granddaughter/owner to enter a crappy talent show), before caterwauling their way through 'My Heart Will Go On' and pretending to look tearful as Simon Cowell drags out the line "I'm...... going.... to.... have... to........... say..................Yes."
4) Profit!
(costas, Wed 6 Aug 2008, 14:54, 1 reply)

As TV taught me everything I know....
1) Collect underpants
2) ????
3) Profit!
(FoxyBadger (try saying it backwards), Wed 6 Aug 2008, 14:30, 11 replies)

It's easy
1. Convince millions of people that odds of about 13,000,000-1 are worth a £1 punt every week.
2. Get the backing of the government by bribing them with a split of the profits and giving a bit to charity.
3. Have the national broadcaster set aside a prime time slot every week to advertise for you.
4. Profit!

"It could be you"...but probability suggests that it almost certainly won't.
( reallywittyname veraciously conspues lexiphanicism on, Wed 6 Aug 2008, 14:08, 17 replies)

I have a cunning scheme.
Follow Scaryduck around wherever he goes, especially when he goes into pub toilets.

Then, just after he leaves, check the urinals for money. Don your favourite type of disposable gloves and fish out said cash. Repeat ad infinitum.

You are now rich.

www.b3ta.com/questions/experiments/post208104
(Rotten_Cointreau is a proper scientician, Wed 6 Aug 2008, 14:05, 2 replies)

A Mate of mine and I
were at school together. The school had put on one of its annual talent shows.

As budding entrepreneurs, we decided we could make a fast buck out of this event.

A mic and minidisk recorder was set up just in front of the stage where by our fellow pupils would sing, dance and play instruments.

As per usual the event was a sell-out of proud parents wanting to see their children perform.

We recorded the show over 2 nights, allowing for people to mess it up on one of them and took names and addresses and a payment of £10 per CD at the back of the hall as parents were leaving.

A couple of hours messing in Adobe Audition (or whatever it was called back then, I cant remember the name - Cooledit I think) and we had a 21 track CD ready to be burnt.

All in all the discs, cases, printing of covers and postage cost us about £3.50 per disc.

We must have had at least 100 orders for each of these CDs.

So £6.50 profit x 100 = £650 quid!

How did the school let us do this? We promised them a 10% cut, what wasn't stated was it was a 10% cut of the profits, not the gross.

Almost 300 quid each isn't bad for a few hours making CDs!
(stevio is on the prowl for a girlfriend!, Wed 6 Aug 2008, 13:15, Reply)

A few years ago...
My great aunt died at the ripe old age of 98 - she'd lived through two world wars and a lot of change, but throughout had lived a fairly basic existence; poor, but happy with her lot.

When she died, she didn't leave much behind. The house was falling down, in a demoralised, boarded-up village, miles from anywhere and most of the land was contaminated from the local chemical factory. In short, the house was worth fuck all.

She had a penchant for collecting little knick-knacks - Charles and Diana thimbles, Maggie Thatcher commemoration plates, moth-eaten fur shawls, fungus-encrusted brooches... you get the idea.

I hauled the lot home, and unable to face the amount of dirt and the smell of all these items, left them in the back of the garage for about 5 years.

One day, I decided I should at least sort through it - I knew there was nothing of finanical value, but there might be some old family history in there worth keeping for sentimental reasons. As I rummaged through it, I found a plastic bag full of mouldy old purses. Absolutely fucking disgusting, it was. I was just about to lob the lot into the bin when a little voice in my head just said "I know it's foul, but just check 'em will you Johab? You never know."

I opened the first purse - stuffed with fivers.
I opened the next purse - stuffed with twenties.
The next - stuffed with tenners.

I'd hit the fucking jackpot.

Some fevered note-flattening and straightening later, I counted just short of 3 grand.

Made my day, I can tell you.

The funny thing was, I went round for a week spending some loose notes from this wodge before I got to the bank to pay it in, only to be told it wasn't legal tender any more - luckily the banks will exchange it, but I really shouldn't have gone round spending it. Oops.

PS The Maggie Thatcher plate is also still around. What a bizarre piece that is.
(JohabMorelli is spenging merrily away, Wed 6 Aug 2008, 13:10, 6 replies)

women
All you have to do to get rich from women is is feast upon their sense of inferiority, of poor body image, of disease susceptibility, of unattractiveness etc... Just look at the articles and ads in any woman's mag:

- Why he thinks you're fat.
- 10 ways to make him love you
- Eye cancer - you've probably got it.
- Greasy hair and spots? - buy this cream
- He lies to you because you deserve it
- Why you look older than you are
- This cream cures plague and cancer overnight
- Are you fat? Only if you use the wrong cream

But men's mags are pure fantasy:

- Your cock is huge
- Why women love fat drunks like you
- Keeley: I don't need foreplay
- Beer cures cancer and makes you intelligent
- Women are pathetic - take advantage!
- You need this gadget to stay alive

Go figure
(frankspencer, Wed 6 Aug 2008, 12:43, 11 replies)

Invent an undetectable worm virus
write some code that would self replicate and hack international accounts shaving off 0.0001 pence off each one (the extra that is never rounded up when interest is calculated)and depositing it into your own

amounts too small to detect yet I'm guessing it would take about a week before your account hits 1 million

(anyone with good coding skills pm me)
(The Goat www.cuttingthroughthematrix.com, Wed 6 Aug 2008, 11:31, 12 replies)