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My pal inspects factories for a living, and I shall take his expert advice to the grave: "Never eat the meat pies". Tell us the best advice you've ever received.

(, Thu 20 May 2010, 12:54)
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This question is now closed.

William S. Burroughs

People often ask me if I have any words of advice for young people. Well, here are a few simple admonitions for young and old.

Never interfere in a boy and girl fight.

Beware of whores who say they don't want money. The hell they don't. What they mean is they want more money. Much more.

If you're doing business with a religious son of a bitch, get it in writing. His word isn't worth shit, not with the good Lord telling him how to fuck you on the deal.

Avoid fuckups. You all know the type. Anything they have anything to do with, no matter how good it sounds, turns into a disaster.

Do not offer sympathy to the mentally ill. Tell them firmly, "I am not paid to listen to this drivel. You are a terminal fool."

Now some of you may encounter the devil's bargain if you get that far. Any old soul is worth saving at least to a priest, but not every soul is worth buying. So you can take the offer as a compliment. They charge the easy ones first, you know, like money, all the money there is. But who wants to be the richest guy in some cemetery? Not much to spend it on, eh, Gramps? Getting too old to cut the mustard. Have you forgotten something, Gramps? In order to feel something, you have to be there. You have to be 18. You're not 18, you are 78. Old fool sold his soul for a strap-on.

How about an honorable bargain? "You always wanted to become a doctor. Now's your chance. Why, you could have become a great healer and benefit humanity. What's wrong with that?" Just about everything. There are no honorable bargains involving exchange of qualitative merchandise like souls. Just quantitative merchandise like time and money. So piss off, Satan, and don't take me for dumber than I look. As an old junk pusher told me, "Watch whose money you pick up."
(, Wed 26 May 2010, 18:08, 3 replies)
When given the opportunity to...
swallow fire, breathe fire, walk on broken glass, do SCAD dives and or bungy jumps etc take it. I know it sounds trite but seriously put your fear to one side and work the odds. If someone else can do it you should be able to.
(, Wed 26 May 2010, 17:56, 2 replies)
Teach your kids...
how to clean the house, iron clothes and use sharp knives from a very early age. I did ,and by god and their seventeen fingers am I glad I made the effort!
(, Wed 26 May 2010, 17:49, 1 reply)
I've told you this one already:
When I got my first period, my father gave me one of the "best" pieces of advice I've ever got.

The first day suffering with my first period I got quite scared and depressed, thinking "Perfect, I'm going to be bleeding down there every single month until I'm so old that I won't care anymore"

That day my father called me to his room and made me sit next to him in the bed:

He: So, I've heard you're a woman now
Me: mmmmm (slight nod)
He: Don't leave any visible marks anywhere. And don't use it as an excuse to avoid going to work.

That really helped.
(, Wed 26 May 2010, 17:45, 7 replies)
From Lamebook
Love is like a water park: at first you are enthusiastic about riding the fast dangerous ones, but after getting tired of waiting in line behind a bunch of assholes, everyone just ends up with the fatties in the lazy river.
(, Wed 26 May 2010, 17:41, Reply)
Do stuff, it’s easier than you think.

Join a shooting club and learn how to handle firearms – and become a real man. Go scuba diving on wrecks in the English channel. Take flying lessons. Cycle on cross country tracks. Go on an explosives course, you never know when the ability to place demolition charges may come in useful. Keep chickens if you’ve got eggs you’ve got a meal. Climb some mountains. Swim in the sea, a mile before breakfast is good. Play underwater hockey. Stop smoking now. Go paragliding it’s very relaxing. Fly in a glider. Kill it, cook it , eat it. Brew your own beer. Become a bit obsessive about cooking for a while, it’s a skill you’ll use every day. Choose something you like doing and make it your profession, even if it’s just for a couple of years. Visit a real wilderness and rely on yourself, but do have a backup plan. Use a soldering iron and build something from scratch. Learn how to plane, cut and join wood with hand tools – now you really are a man. Shear a sheep. Eat fish that’s fresh form the sea. Pull up lobster pots to keep your upper body strong. Spend time on a trawler . Row a boat with confidence.


Join any armed service. Watch telly much. Believe any sentence that starts “apparently” . Take any drug more than once a week. Eat industrially produced food. Tell even your closest family about the time you found a sheep tick on your foreskin.
(, Wed 26 May 2010, 17:09, 23 replies)
thebest cure for anal sickness is seasex
(, Wed 26 May 2010, 17:08, Reply)
the best cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree!

whadayamean bindun?

(, Wed 26 May 2010, 16:55, Reply)
'Tis better to give than receive
Anal sex
(, Wed 26 May 2010, 16:33, 3 replies)
"Fuck this shit, let's go to the pub"
I want that on my gravestone.
(, Wed 26 May 2010, 16:33, 1 reply)
Stay off the fuckin boat
You'll never get seasick
(, Wed 26 May 2010, 16:31, Reply)
Anal sex
Is not a good cure for seasickness.
(, Wed 26 May 2010, 16:21, 2 replies)
Do the worst task first thing in be the morning
If you know a task will be stressful, do it first thing in the morning. That way you don't spend all day worrying about it. The reality is it won't be as bad as you once thought and the rest of the day will be easier...

This doesnt work for anal sex or seasickness I'm afraid.
(, Wed 26 May 2010, 16:19, 1 reply)
Now don't let me down
You don't want to let me down, do you boy?
(, Wed 26 May 2010, 16:10, 1 reply)
It is easier to gain forgiveness
than ask permission

(most likely application - anal sex)
(, Wed 26 May 2010, 16:07, 2 replies)
"Drive as though you plan to meet yourself"
A bus driver I knew said this, giving advice to one of the "new starts" before he set off on his first solo drive to Glasgow down the A82 with the narrow, twisty bit alongside Loch Lomond. How do you get a brand new bus down a road barely a lane and a half wide, when you're likely to meet another bus coming the opposite way? See the title.

Length? 7.2 metres in long wheelbase spec.
(, Wed 26 May 2010, 15:54, Reply)
you can't polish a turd
but you can polish my knob
(, Wed 26 May 2010, 15:43, 2 replies)
Fuck it dude...
let's go bowling.
(, Wed 26 May 2010, 15:35, 1 reply)
They told me to call the song "Unfortunate"
......'twas the good advice, that I just didn't take
(, Wed 26 May 2010, 15:26, 2 replies)
Sea sickness - rough channel crossing
Hurl yourself from wall to wall whilst cackling like a madman. You won't be sick but plenty of other people will.
(, Wed 26 May 2010, 15:26, Reply)
Anal sex is like brocoli
Don't force it on your kids when they are young cos they won't like it when they are older.
(, Wed 26 May 2010, 15:25, Reply)
Love is blind - Listen to advice from your best friends.
As this QOTW doesnt really have many story answers, I thought I'd enrich you with this one:

They say love is blind. I learned the hard way it is. If you’ve read any of my other QOTW responses, I'm going to sound like a right sad loser with the girls. But here we go:

I have no idea what it was about her. But at the tender age of 17 I'd thought I'd met, The One. What an amazing girl I had found. Our relationship sky rocketed and before I knew it. I was deeply, deeply in Love. I would do anything for her. I was so emotionally tied to her, that i felt the same emotions she did. If she was upset, I was upset. Her happiness was my happiness. I was quick to move anything out of the way that was to upset her happiness.

Sadly, said girl was also a crazed nutcase. She had issues with self harm, and major problems with jealousy and possessiveness. She wanted me, and she wanted me to herself. All 110% of me. My friends had all heard rumours about her. In school she used to claim that her dead uncle came back from the dead and raped her. She claimed she was gang raped frequently by the local lads in her town. She told me stuff, I looked deep into her eyes and she had convinced herself that all this bad stuff had happened. I believed the lot of it. She was distraught about her past and emotionally suffering because of it. I felt bad for her and wanted to make her better and make her happy again. Because she was the most amazing person in the world. Nothing else mattered.

After a rather bad cutting episode where she actually went and attacked me with a razor blade. My friends all came together and took me out for a drive. They sat me down and said "Look, you're our friend, we love you. But she is ruining you. Look at you, you’re losing weight, you're failing college. You're so entangled in her lies. We know they’re not true. We spoke to people that have known her a lot longer than we have and she's full of it. Get away from her man. I know you love her and it's not easy but we will help you."

Did I take their advice? No, because I was so blinded by this world that I was now in. I was so stubborn and cared about nothing but her. She was everything to me. I was under her spell. Like an idiot I actually told her what my friends had said. To say she went ballistic would be an understatement. She locked herself in a cupboard for hours sobbing her heart out. How could my friends betray her like that? How could they be so horrible to try and take the only good thing she ever had away from her? How could they send her back to the way she was before when she was starting to get better? She told me this was worse than any of her previous abuse.

She convinced me that they were just out to hurt her. Then other things happened, little arguments here and there. Basically she said to me. Its them or me. Of course I chose her. The biggest regret of my life was to phone up a friend of 10 years and say "Sorry mate, I don’t want to see you again".

Once she was done making sure I had no friends left. She then set on my family. She succeeded with that too. For over a year I didn’t see or speak to my own mother. Once again I had been given advice which I decided to ignore, which she took as a personal attack against her.

For the next 4 years I was stuck with this girl. Paying for her life whilst she decided that she actually preferred girls over guys. Eventually she found a girl, moved in with her and finally I was set free from her.

Years later, reflecting back. Its amazing to see how clearly obvious it was that she was purposely creating situations to make sure she had me to herself. I'd had my own little empire. I had friends, family and money. She destroyed the lot in about 6 months. She cleverly got me into a situation where I needed her more than she needed me. She did a party for my 18th birthday. Except nobody showed up.

I have to blame myself too. I was young, stupid, besotted, engrossed, and addicted to her. But I learned the hard way. Sometimes people have a clearer view of a situation from the outside. They aren’t emotionally entangled in love and can see things clear cut. Your true friends are there forever. Your boyfriends and girlfriends will come and go. Sadly I lost those good friends, They all went off to universities and never bothered coming back.

Sorry for lack of funny. To end this post on a brighter note. I did rebuild, found new friends. Made up with family and now a much wiser and stronger person for it. I've shared my story and passed my advice to other people I know who have been in similar situations. Whether they listened is another matter.
(, Wed 26 May 2010, 15:24, 6 replies)
David's second law of dating
#2: If a girl tells you, the first time that you meet her, that her dad didn't love her (or any variation upon that theme), run away as fast as you can and don't look back.
(, Wed 26 May 2010, 14:32, 7 replies)
I don't need no good advice, I'm already wasted
I don't need no special fix to anaesthetise me.

The slutty-looking one, meatball head, the ginger one who looks like she needs a good dinner and the one with the filthy oirish accent.
Girls Aloud, I'd do 'em all. Except that twat Cheryl Cole, because she ignored that piece of good advice 'if your husband cheats on you once don't stay with him because he's a rich, famous footballer, you money-grabbing twunt, because he'll do it again an no-one will care.'
(, Wed 26 May 2010, 14:24, 4 replies)
Sea Sickness?- a continuation
Eat jam sandwiches.
Not because it stops you from being sick but it means your sick isnt so unpleasant coming up.
(, Wed 26 May 2010, 14:08, Reply)
It's better to have loved and lost a short girl, than never to have loved a tall.

Or summink like that.
(, Wed 26 May 2010, 14:06, Reply)
If on a small vessel, counter the rolling of the boat in a motion that keeps your head upright and look out to sea.
(, Wed 26 May 2010, 14:04, 2 replies)
When choosing something
try to keep the number of options low. If you choose from say, three options you will be far more satisfied with your choice than if you have had to choose from maybe 8 options.
(, Wed 26 May 2010, 14:00, Reply)
crisps can make a good sandwich. Boiled eggs make good sandwiches. Never mix the two in one sandwich.

and I mean never.
(, Wed 26 May 2010, 13:51, 5 replies)

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