calling
my desperately cute irish colleague in real estate with completely spurious enquiries about SDLT and requisitions on titles just because his accent makes me go all funny.

only australian accents are hotter. although i do also like a deep southern american drawl. or a posh british one.

funny how i normally end up with scousers or mockneyessex boys, or in the case of oswald a welsh wanker, but i can fantasise.......

on that note, i bought a book at the weekend which says on the front "the only two things you can't hide are love and a smell". the latter struck me as being very accurate!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 18:42, 1 reply)

Hula Hoops
Back during 'sinbad: the fat years', I used to eat hula hoops dipped in butter as a snack, pretty much whenever I wanted. I can only justify this by saying that they are, without doubt, the greatest foody combo of all time.

You're going to try it now, and you're going to get FAT.
(sinbad, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 17:30, 1 reply)

One mouthful
Of babybel, quickly followed by a handful of ready salted crisp.

Continue this until you develop an ulcer
(gypsylover, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 17:23, Reply)

When I burp
I hold it in my mouth to savour the flavour.

Sometimes it tastes quite nice.
(DanS like you've never DanSed before!, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 17:10, Reply)

Time
I also fantasise about having a device that freezes time for everyone except me. So I can walk about amongst the world on pause.

My agenda would be:

** Getting my shopping for free. But only from large supermarket chains that wouldn't even notice anything missing.

** Finding the chav-scum who did my car over last year, wandering into their house on the night while they sleep and giving them a good hiding, followed by hoying all their stuff out the window.

** Other assorted mischief.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 16:57, 8 replies)

Looking for puns...
...I like to look for the best puns on the b3ta QOTW. I usually make a list of the ten best ones and then choose a winner.
This week they were not that great and despite looking for a winner none of them came close.

In fact, no pun in ten did.
(emadex thinks the world will end on, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 16:05, 2 replies)

at 4pm everyday
since today i sneak off to the toilets and quickly crack one off.... all ready and smiling for the journey home..



length ? unlike CHCB i do have pictures :o)
(maxumus HEY!.... diddly dee, de de de de de de, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 16:05, 4 replies)

Mr. Average...
I have just one guilty pleasure and it always acts a huge ego boost.

I'm a very average looking guy in his mid-forties but my slightly younger wife is an absolute stunner – one of those women who turns heads wherever she goes.
The guys at work can’t understand how I ended up with such a honey and they usually make comments like “You must be hung like a horse” or “You must be good in bed”.
I’m guessing I’m actually Mr. Average on both counts, but clearly I’m no Brad Pitt in the looks department.

Female colleagues also comment on how gorgeous my wife is and this has led to my guilty pleasure: I’ve had offers of “casual liaisons” from some very attractive female workmates which I can only put down to the well circulated comments of my male colleagues. It’s very satisfying to have some of the hotter women at work make their intentions to me clear and it frustrates the hell out of my better-looking-than-me male colleagues!

Length? Just an unfounded rumor!
(emadex thinks the world will end on, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 15:53, 11 replies)

When I'm thinking
or stressed, I love to squeeze my boobs. It's very relaxing.

Of course, that gives me some problems at work... I'm lucky one of my colleages is a good friend and tells me when I'm doing it.
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Wed 19 Mar 2008, 15:36, 8 replies)

WTF?!
Humpty just reminded me of another I like to do at work once in a while.

Remember when you were a kid and used to fold up paper and then cut out the shape of a little person so when you unfolded it you had a string of little people holding hands? Well, during poo time, I like to do the same with the toilet roll. You can get really good lengths of little people, especially if you take a pair of sharp scissors with you so you don't have to tear the shapes.

Then I just string them over the roll holder or hang them from the coat peg on the back of the door. I like to think of the next person going in and just being "WTF"?!
(Big Smurf Brush me daddy-O, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 15:21, Reply)

The women on the Simply Yours advert.
Every time it comes on the telly I cannot help but watch.
Yummy!
( OneSullenBrit *air sandwiches*, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 14:48, 2 replies)

Picking scabs.....
You know you shouldn't but you just can't stop yourself. I don't really get a lot of scrapes and bangs now so It's not something I can enjoy nowadays but ooooh! the memories of childhood knee scraping and the hours spent slowly picking the scabs off.
( girlinthehole, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 14:45, 4 replies)

I owe this to Frank.
He mentioned pissing in the Sink:

Hanging the old fella in there while brushing my teeth in the morning is definitely a nice pleasure.

Especially if there's still a nice niche of silicone-based lube 'twixt scrote and tadger... this allows me to skoosh up and down the sink edge without a snagging sensation... weeeeeee :o)

It combines pure childishness with something that is so very very adult...
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Wed 19 Mar 2008, 14:34, Reply)

Coming





over all superior when reading posts which repeat sentiments expressed earlier by other members and knowing that someone else has already been there and done it...done it hard.




Ahem...roll on 4pm.
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 14:32, 7 replies)

Probably bindun
But I believe there is no greater pleasure than perching yourself on the throne and having a large, smelly gronk.

Or pulling your tallywagger

On work's time.

While you know you are being paid for it.

Bliss
(Mr Twisty Cheeky The worst kept secret in B3ta..., Wed 19 Mar 2008, 14:27, Reply)

Porn
Literotica has been known to keep me occupied for many a long night.
I don't really feel guilty about this tho.
(The Ginger Penguin la la la la la la, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 13:53, 5 replies)

Soy sauce
I absolutely love the salty stuff. I pretty much pour it on everything I eat. It even works well with another already quite salty guilty pleasure of mine; a processed cheese slice wrapped round a Pepperami.
(Errorist, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 13:52, 2 replies)

Parts-naming policy
Here at work we have to stick to protocol when naming parts.

Only in special circumstances can another word be added to the vocabulary as this list has 4 translated variants.

I have introduced Retard Pins, Retard blocks etc...

Currently I'm working on the Rimming Tool..

"Bottom-up Filling Pumps" and "Re-suction" devices are the norm.

"Analogue Notation And Logging" is a name I've managed to slip in a couple of documents too.. (ANAL)

The fun never ends.

If someone offers you a design job in the food industry, Kill them: Kill them quickly and hide the body.
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Wed 19 Mar 2008, 13:48, Reply)

The downside to Sweden
Being that only one shop has the monopoly on selling decent alcohol in Sweden (SytemBolaget) that's where the drunks hang out. These lot CAN get help and free lodgings if they want, but they have to be dedicated to getting off the drink in order to qualify.

Subsequently... the ones that hang around outside the shop begging are the ones that either need the most help, or the ones that can't be arsed.

One of my guilty pleasures is a double-whammy.
It earns the spiteful looks of "upstanding citizens" who'd rather ignore problems, and it gives the A-Team (as they're known) a free drink.

In summertime when it's hot outside, I like to walk past Systembolaget and give a random drunk a bottle of beer. Alcohol-Free Beer.

It's fairly pointless... but that makes it all the more fun.
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Wed 19 Mar 2008, 13:40, Reply)

naughty words
I like to write rude words on the back of my hand in Norwegian Formula Neutrogena Hand Cream (it's the best one for doing so, mark my words).

The latest one was pissflaps. But because my hands aren't very big I had to write piss on my left hand and flaps on the right, which was quite difficult to do left-handed but the frustration I felt at attempting this was immediately sated by reading the naughty word on my hands.

I almost proudly showed it off to my line manager but managed to restrain myself.
(happylittletulip helpless and delicious, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 13:16, Reply)

Ladies loos
Sometimes, I like to sneak into the girl's toilets when nobody's around and lift up the seats.
( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 13:00, 3 replies)

Vinegar!
Myriad uses according to www.vinegartips.com, but I bet they don't suggest drinking it!

...I do - a nice little slug of a good balsamic vinegar - lovely stuff.

And I've just had a mango chutney sandwich - that was nice too.
( Fireflier La la la la, not listening on, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 12:56, 1 reply)

A few pleasures, not too guilty though
I went to uni and repeated my 1st year thrice. I never took an exam and left with nothing but a 'Player of the year' award for the football team. My parents paid for everything. Car (and everything that comes with it, insurance, petrol etc), rent in a house with the lads, fees, and bought shopping once a week for the house too. I never had a student load and so have no debts. I hardly ever went to class, just went on the piss most nights. In short, think of Van Wilder, before he had to knuckle down and pass. I had that, except without the burden of organising massive parties.

I grew up on a council estate and moved, at 21, to a beach in Australia. When I phone home, I always ask what the weather's like.

I'm a bar manager, and have access to a bounty of free piss. I treat every weekend shift as a night out and drink throughout, always ensuring there's a massive staybe afterwards. I manage to go out with no money, and come home with at least $30 in tips on top of being paid for the shift most nights of the week. I like to ask my mates how much they spent last night, and then tell them this story. They all hate me.

So there you have it, pleasurable for me, not guilty, more smug that I've lived a charmed life.
(Visionaryofthe1980s www.myspace.com/visionariesofthe1980s, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 12:54, 4 replies)

"I'm getting my dippers"
The cat.story reminded me... Thanks =)

My brother's wife (mentioned in "meeting the parents" form years ago) has some cute habits...

My Brother once attempted to close his mouth after a happy yawn, and discovered that his wife's fingers were all in there.

Upon inquiring "What the Hell?"... she explained "I'm getting my dippers"...

"Wtf?"
"When you yawn I put one finger in, then twom then three.... this was the first time I got all in.. I didn't know what to do next... "

My Brother now yawns with one eye open.
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Wed 19 Mar 2008, 12:54, 1 reply)

Ever been to the loo and found small bits of rolled up paper on the floor?
It was me.

Here at work we have a really efficient extractor in the toilets. Each toilet has it's own room... not a cubicle.

Each door has a 1cm gap to allow fresh air under...

Each extractor fan is as far away from the door as possible, i.e. over you.

I once noted the swirling of a spider's web under the door. I decided, mid-turd, to explore this air current.

The goal is this: To hit the kick-plate on the bottom of the door with a well aimed throw, and to get the ball of bog-paper to return to you, assisted on the under-door breeze.

Over the years I can get fairly consistent results. Best results are gained when it is windy, with a pea-sized ball, perfectly round and totally dry. These have bounce.

Extra points for managing to throw the ball UNDER the door, and managing to get it to return under wind-power.

Truly an addictive game.


Apologies for posting a Nerd story... but it kind of is a guilty pleasure. People walk in after me and it looks as though I've savagely murdered a bean-bag.
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Wed 19 Mar 2008, 12:50, 2 replies)

Please tell me I'm not alone.
I like to smell a cat's breath whilst it's in mid yawn.

Another is to pretend I'm a lion tamer and put my finger in it's mouth whilst yawning and pulling it away before it closes.
.
(oneinthepink is at your cervix m'lady, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 12:41, 2 replies)

watching
the O.C. with the missus then nipping upstairs for a quick shufty with the image of Rachel Bilson logged in the "W Drive".

(A variation of the old routine from years ago, except for missus, read family, The O.C. read byker Grove, and Rachel Bilson read Donna Air.)
( I have run out of coke is a little sweaty, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 12:16, Reply)

sharpening
a brand new pencil.

Bonus if you can do it in one piece, like my grandad used to peel apples.
( I have run out of coke is a little sweaty, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 12:09, Reply)

Awful Pun
When we were younger we used to empty earl grey granules into the local trout farm, Once we were caught by the farms owner, we really got quite a bollocking, he told us of how he had to clean all the trout afterwards with a toothbrush as they were having trouble breathing, he begged us not to do it again. Looking back it was quite immature.

However his gill tea plea sure was funny
(Snuffy114 demands a cyber razor cut, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 12:06, 1 reply)

BGB's post below reminds me:
At four o'clock yesterday afternoon many of you lot were at work, slaving over a hot desk. Me? I was under the duvet, my hand in me knickers.

Pleasure? Oh yes, yes! YES!
Guilty? Only the slight worry that my flatmate could hear my screams of delight.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 12:05, 263 replies)