missing
Has anyone seen 'The Goat' this week? I thought this might be quite an appropriate topic for him
( SpikeyPickle wishes he was mabazaritchie, Thu 28 Aug 2008, 16:45, 3 replies)

UFOs, government conspiracies
A quick and late entry - has anyone else seen this guy's website?

He claims that the US Government are "defrauding the citizens of our great nation".

www.contrabombarde.com/conspiracy/

It's unlike any other, in terms of sheer stupidity - his grammar leaves a lot to be desired too...
(09824739yhsidfhshfgq8weeq3e1, Thu 28 Aug 2008, 16:28, 7 replies)

Thanks to this QOTW
i have had'i love horses' going round on a permanent loop in my head for several days now, so much so, that i can remember singing it before i went to sleep last night.

i suppose it doesnt help that i actually quite like the tune.
(Dan dan dan They tik urh jerbs!!!, Thu 28 Aug 2008, 16:04, Reply)

Of my own accord...
I was on hols in Jamaica and bought a massive bag of 'grass' for $20, Mrs Tugnut laughed at me when she saw it but I had the last laugh because it really was grass. Freshly mowed too.

You can't pull the sheep over my head.
(Tugnut I got them all..., Thu 28 Aug 2008, 15:56, Reply)

Eh?
What do you mean 'Fellatio' isn't a character in Hamlet?
(Tugnut I got them all..., Thu 28 Aug 2008, 15:52, 2 replies)

this isnt
a website about horses

www.deagostini.co.uk/ilovehorses/

honest,
(Dan dan dan They tik urh jerbs!!!, Thu 28 Aug 2008, 15:51, 2 replies)

my mate
reckons im gullible.
(Dan dan dan They tik urh jerbs!!!, Thu 28 Aug 2008, 15:31, Reply)

Wow!
21 pages? We're a gullible lot!
(DippyFi, Thu 28 Aug 2008, 15:23, Reply)

anyone for a sweatshop-made pizza?
My old flatmate was a wealth of knowledge and used to spend his days gleaning useless trivia from nature shows and the like.
After a run of back to back nature shows he made me believe that penguins are naturally prone to depression, (a trait carried on the same chromosome that gives them short legs.)

On the same day he refused to order a pizza with half pepperoni and half hawaiian topping because

"they can't do that! These pizzas are made in sweatshops in china by kids whose tiny fingers can make the dough fluffier. They just vacuum seal them and ship them over!"

In retrospect I should have become suspicious at the words "... tiny fingers!"
(DippyFi, Thu 28 Aug 2008, 15:21, Reply)

It's Now After Midnight
here in Oz.

I'm waiting for the new QOTW and I'm bored.

Only thing to do now is KITTENS!!

They're so cute.

Cheers
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Thu 28 Aug 2008, 15:10, 12 replies)

Just this minute
I managed to convince our rather attractive new secretary that my lamp, which has a foam, 'children in need' red nose attached to the end is a microphone.

And I use it to record the fire evacuation messages onto my computer.

Before converting it into the voice of a woman to make it more appealing.

She believed it.
(gin'll fix it, Thu 28 Aug 2008, 14:53, Reply)

Roumer has it..
The next QOTW will be:

Mixed Tapes Part 2!

Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!
(Miggyman, Thu 28 Aug 2008, 14:40, 8 replies)

Re London
thinking that perhaps ya lost the sympathy vote on this one....
(fucketybye CaCRocker, Thu 28 Aug 2008, 14:10, 2 replies)

Gullible Sister
My sister is older than me but very naive and quite shy. Many a year ago we worked as waitresses together in a pub and she was writing the dessert menu on the chalkboard.

The chefs had made a different chocolate cake from the usual with fancy icing and stuff on it so she asked if it was called anything special. I told her it was an Italian Chocolate Treat with Fellatio Cream in the middle, knowing she'd check with the chefs who would rip her mercilessly for a few weeks as chefs are wont to do.

She told a table of twenty customers.

In retribution I had to then wait on the whole table by myself for the rest of the night because she refused to leave the kitchen, so uppance came, fear not.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Thu 28 Aug 2008, 13:53, Reply)

A good way to settle an argument.
Me: Let's sort this out like men.
Stooge: Okay.
Me: Right, I'll kick you in the bollocks, then you kick me in the bollocks. The first one to back down loses.
Stooge: Okay.
*I give swift kick to stooge's nuts*
Me: You win.
(oneinthepink is at your cervix m'lady, Thu 28 Aug 2008, 13:47, 1 reply)

London
ok, I'll own up on this one. Being a pervy kinda guy, I was taken in by this lassie in Soho on my LAST stay in London who promised me piles of porn of all sorts if I gave her some money. She would then take the money and go and get my porn. I started to think that she was not telling the truth when she would take my money, disappear, come back again, tell me they wanted more, me handing it over and her disappearing with about £150 of my money. I've visited Soho to see if she is there, still ripping people off. I would like to go up to her and say "hey, remember me. This is the LAST time you will be ripping people off..bitch" - *SMACK*

Edit: since you seem so interested, you are right, I was looking for different porn and didn't know where to get it...
(scotsbloke, Thu 28 Aug 2008, 13:43, 4 replies)

Ohhh... you reminded me!!!
Isle 'O Shite Trip.

As a Student I used to race mountainbikes downhill for a giggle.

To cut a long long long story short, the "Needles Park" group in the Dreaded Isle had said they'd host the Student Champs.... Woohoo!!

A Downhill course in the UK is doing well if it can boast a 50 meter (total) drop and a ride time of 2 minutes.

Needles park had a course with "a total 20 meter drop"... Still A bit sprinty .... we can still have a good laugh.... Until we GOT there.

20 meters to ride down... Yup.
Achieved by riding UP 15 meters half way through....

The top 6 positions in the "Downhill race" were won by sprinty Cross-Country types. The Horror...
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Thu 28 Aug 2008, 13:40, Reply)

Isle of Wight trip
Reading through the entries so far, there's quite a few stories about travel.

Mine begins on a coach on its way to the Isle of Wight. My dad used to travel to Southern League football grounds to follow his team (Corby Town FC). One of the away fixtures was at Newport, on the Isle of Wight.

Getting there meant a long coach ride from Corby followed by a ferry ride. I would sometimes tag along for the trip, as it meant a full day out doing a bit of sightseeing with the players.

To one of the youngest new players in Corby's team, this was his first ever trip away from home. The lad had recently joined the team and this was to be his first league game. He was about 15 years old and had led a bit of a sheltered life, so the other players conjured an initiation prank to welcome him into the team.

The coach arrived at the ferry port and my dad nipped off to speak to the port supervisor. After a minute or two of conversation, the supervisor made his way onto the coach donned in his official-looking yellow jacket and hat, security badge proudly on display.

"Passports please" said the official. The smirking players began producing their documents one after the other as he went down the bus, heading toward the back where the new boy was sitting with me and a couple of the other lads, looking worried.

We began nonchalantly comparing our passport photos and taking the piss out of each other as the guy made his way towards us, while the poor kid next to me whispered "I didn't bring one, I haven't got a passport!"

He was clearly terrified. The port supervisor arrived and asked for each of our passports in turn, before finally getting to the newbie.

"No passport? Dear oh dear. I'll have to call the port police. You're currently in international territory and I can't let you back onto UK mainland soil without one either, so you'll have to remain here until the passport office can process one for you. Should only take a few days..."

And with that, the port supervisor summoned port security on his walkie-talkie. The players unboarded and watched as the white-faced teenager was bundled into the back of a battered port security Ford Sierra with a flashing orange light on the top.

The car drove off and went around the block a few times before bringing him back to the players, who were waiting on the ferry, laughing mercilessly. He looked like he'd been sick, judging by the state of his club jacket. That went down well with the other lads too.

The new boy had the last laugh though - he scored twice in the game and Corby won convincingly.
( chart cat has an itch, Thu 28 Aug 2008, 13:34, Reply)

Moo sack
I was convinced that the 80's rock compilation I bought was the best ever in the world.
Then they brought out best ever 2.
And 3.
And 4.
(oneinthepink is at your cervix m'lady, Thu 28 Aug 2008, 13:22, 1 reply)

its interesting no one has said last yet,
o_O
(Dan dan dan They tik urh jerbs!!!, Thu 28 Aug 2008, 13:16, 9 replies)

without doubt
it has to be the Angel of the North, thats my most gollybrill monument.

although the Heavy Horse is pretty cool.
(Halfy By light alone, Thu 28 Aug 2008, 13:08, 8 replies)

There is a joke my friend likes to tell at the pub.
'Knock knock'
'Who's there?'
'Interrupting slap'

...

It sometimes works :D
( Walrus Man Think hippy thoughts, Thu 28 Aug 2008, 12:57, 2 replies)

Well.
.
I've changed my profile using web-wizardry so that the people I like can see my real profile and the people I don't like see what they deserve.

Cheers
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Thu 28 Aug 2008, 12:52, 12 replies)

I was told...
I was told that the QOTW changed on a Thursday morning.

Fucksocks.
(whyamihere, Thu 28 Aug 2008, 12:51, 1 reply)

I once bought gear from a street dealer in Camden
nuff said
( Crap Little Monkey Deathstar, so good they built it twice, Thu 28 Aug 2008, 12:42, 1 reply)

The QOTW changes earlier than you think.
The new QOTW is actually created earlier than you think. I was chatting to someone who knows rob about this. It just takes time for the links page to get updated.

Infact the new QOTW is running now. So go take a look at the new one. Tell us stupid things you've done and gotten away with it.

www.b3ta.com/questions/gottenaway

Oh and you're too late. I already got in with the first post :D
(Miggyman, Thu 28 Aug 2008, 12:22, 6 replies)

Don't believe the hype!
Film hype. It's a pain in the arse, really. I try not to get sucked in by it (and I STILL haven't been to see the Dark Knight, despite really wanting to); I like to make my own mind up about these things. However, a few years ago I allowed myself to be reeled in and spat out by the movie-marketing machine thanks to:

- An internet marketing ploy;
- Extremely good 'word of mouth' reviews;
- Generally good reviews in the press (they surely can't be wrong, can they)?;
- And the killer consensus that this was surely 'the scariest film ever made'.

And so it was that, armed with a bucket of popcorn and a change of underwear, I went off to my local multiplex, ready to be entertained, thrilled, scared witless, and quite possibly do a Pooflake and spectacularly shit myself...

I emerged a bit later feeling nauseous, but not in an 'oh my god that was pant-shittingly scary' way. No, the hand held camera work had done that all on its own. I also felt a bit conned by the whole experience. Scary? I've been more scared taking the bins out... (then again, it was a 15 certificate - in retrospect I should have realised).

So I endured about 80 minutes of three unknown 'actors' pretending to make a documentary in some woods in America; being generally unpleasant to each other as the 'film' wore on; and waiting to be scared like I'd never been scared before. Only to leave with a crushing sense of (a) disappointment and (b) that I may have to do a little sick into my popcorn bucket.

Blair Witch Project, I'm looking at you. You utter waste of celluloid.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Thu 28 Aug 2008, 12:15, 9 replies)

When I was younger
I used to hang out at my friend Duncan's house (we are no longer friends I'm sure this story will come out in a future QOTW)

His mum looked after the neighbour's young kids some of the time and on this one occasion, for reasons lost in the mists of time, I was persuading one of these kids that I had somewhere in the region of 1000 grandfathers.

He was looking sceptical, but I perservered. He seemed to accept what I was saying after a while and I settled back to bask in the glow of a job well done.

Then I heard him mutter to his younger brother "he must be lying, I bet he's only got about 40"
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 28 Aug 2008, 11:57, 2 replies)

My name is Kit.
People often ask what it is short for.
I like to tell them it's short for 'Kitchen'.

If they don't look skeptical at this point, I follow it up with 'because I was conceived on our kitchen table'.

It cracks me up how many people believe it.
(trumpet, Thu 28 Aug 2008, 11:52, 4 replies)

I convinced all my mates
that sometimes when people want to draw a cock, they'll hide it by doing a car or a boat or something like that instead - so that if you see an ad with a big tree or a telephone pole in it, that probably means the guy who did it wanted to do a cock.

I also convinced them that I fancied my Mum!

Mind you I was a bit off my head on coke at the time.

Signed,
Sigmund Freud.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Thu 28 Aug 2008, 11:18, 2 replies)