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This is a question Heckles

Forget the drunk bloke at the back yelling incoherent nonsense. Sometimes a well placed heckle can raise a mediocre act to a brilliant night out.
Tell us your best heckles and, if you are brave, the retorts that put you back in your place like the maggot you are.

(, Thu 6 Apr 2006, 13:13)
Pages: Latest, 20, 19, 18, 17, 16, ... 1

This question is now closed.

Another one...
The "Every time I shag your mother... etc... pie/biscuit/sandwich/slice of cake... etc" retort has been done to death, but I did hear one reply to it which made the smart arse jumping on the bandwagon shut up.

After having the classic line sent back at him, the heckler says in a rather sad and angry sounding voice: "My mother died 4 years ago." Whether this was indeed true or not is irrelevant, as its effect on the comedian's act was quite amusing.

The comedian, knowing his act will be with the hecklers mother if he tries a retort to this one, stops in his tracks and changes the subject completely.

No apologies for anything.
(, Wed 12 Apr 2006, 19:26, Reply)
Big man, small instrument?
I was at a tiny little jazz bar, watching the open mic-night, and on comes a guy with an ukelele.

To which someone shouts "It's a giant!"

There was a moments pause, followed by the whole bar getting it and collapsing in laughter.

He was fucking incredible as well, if you've seen the vid of the guy playing 'while my guitar gently weeps' on one you'll see what I mean.
(, Wed 12 Apr 2006, 19:00, Reply)
Slide away (right outta the theatre)
At the premier screening of laughter-desert Bo' Selecta (the only TV screening so unfunny they had to give everyone three beers to get their giggling juices burping), the warm up act thought it best to involve the cringeing audience. Trying to pair me up with the pre-pubescent but not entirely uncute lad next to me, he saw fit to mention that I looked a pure girl but would like to sit on said lad's face. I said it looked so smooth I'd probably slide off. Cue the first laugh of the night, one poor lad's embarrassment but one silent warm-up chump. Dirty, but funnier than Avid Merrion in his shit-stained Mel B catsuit.
(, Wed 12 Apr 2006, 18:54, Reply)
Edinburgh Festival. Phil Davey, I think his name was
He was an Aussie stand-up, highly recommended by The Sun. Dunno why...

I'd been drinking somewhat. He wasn't being particularly funny, and then he started ranting about Animal Hospital being shite (I agree. But that's not hilarious stuff) and then about Rolf Harris, and what had he ever done for Australia, the miserable fucker.

I piped up "He won gold for Australia in swimming at the 1962 olympics"*. (I have no idea where that came from in my drunken mind)

He replied "Fuck off, mate, no way". And then some other people in the audience started murmuring and backing me up.

This really put him off his stride. After about 20 seconds of silence, he then turned on me.
What are you doing here in Edinburgh mate?

"I'm a student".

What are you studying?



Presumably there wasn't any comedy mileage in that. So he went off onto some scatalogical comedy shite, which was funnier.

* Actually, Google informs that Rolf was the Australian junior backstroke swimming champion.
(, Wed 12 Apr 2006, 18:50, Reply)
Oh How Original
We went to a matinee performance of Sleeping Beauty in Leeds. It was 99% under 10's. The villainess came on and said 'Can anyone see my pussy?' referring to a stuffed cat she liked to carry around, a comment to guarantee a few adult chuckles.

I shouted 'No, but I can fucking smell it.'
(, Wed 12 Apr 2006, 18:15, Reply)
Chinese Restaurant
A friend of mine and I were eating at a Chinese restaurant, with Asian pop music playing over the PA system.

As the music rose in preparation of the chorus, my friend calls out:

"Everybody sing!"
(, Wed 12 Apr 2006, 17:22, Reply)
Fire eater
Once when i was small and visiting york with my parents there was a street fire eater doing what fire eaters do - eating fire and riding unicycles at the same time.

After riding a unicycle for ages and trying to look clever the fire eater lept off his unicycle before asking the crowd 'Who wants to see me eating fire then?'
Me being around eight years old and knowing know better shouted 'Go on then burn yourself' only to be glared at and told to shut up by the fire eater. I've never forgot that
Sorry for length
(, Wed 12 Apr 2006, 17:20, Reply)
At the Stonehenge festival 1984, someone told Nik Turner (vocals/sax/flute) that the chief druid at the solstice ceremony was actor William Roache aka Coronation Street's Ken Barlow.
With this in mind, during Hawkwind's set he began chanting 'Ken Barlow, Ken Barlow' and got the crowd to join in.
Not the most imaginative heckle of all time but, given the context, surely one of the most surreal - and fucking funny if you ask me.
What I don't know is whether or not said Barlow was indeed there, I'm afraid. I think I prefer it if he wasn't.
(, Wed 12 Apr 2006, 16:59, Reply)
Rusty just reminded me
Went on lads holiday to Magaluff- and went to that Pirates show thingy they have- for those who havent been its an acrobatics show with a Pirates theme and you sit on benches made to look like boats and have food and drink and get totally hammered while the pirates do random stuff and entertain you. Audience participation is actively encouraged. They have family show during the day and an adult one at night. We were ob at the adult one- adult games involving drink, fruit, breasts etc etc

So - its free Sangria all night- and we were hammered. THey are doing their funky shit - really cant remember too much bout it- but they split the audience into different groups and you each have a pirate, they have a fight and you cheer them on etc etc. We were encouraged to heckle the 'opposing' sides. One of which pirate was French.

And so a hurried drunken chat was agreed upon:-

'He's fat, he's French, he takes it up the trench, he's a cunt!

Vive la France!!
(, Wed 12 Apr 2006, 16:49, Reply)
Not mine, just what Man Utd fans sang to Lee Chapman
"He's French, he's flash , he's shagging Lesley Ash, Cantona Cantona"

Shortly afterwards Cantona was transferred from Leeds to Man Utd after allegedly having an affair with Chapman's missus, Leslie Ash.

Also the Van Persie chant when he was accused of rape:

To the tune of Craig David's Rewind (Bo Selecta)

Van Per-Sie
When the girl says no
Molest her
(, Wed 12 Apr 2006, 15:46, Reply)
He didn't just heckle with that mouth of his
"You came in my mouth you bastard," yelled the infuriated short fat bald bearded man in his 50s. His friends came running, causing me to beat a hasty retreat from the Wet Spa and Sauna at Bowen Hills. All I did was stick my tockley through the hole in the wall.
(, Wed 12 Apr 2006, 15:23, Reply)
This was actually my heckle
Went to see Rik Mayall in the Sunderland Empire in the mid-80s, and his routine contained a certain amount of the same material he had included a few weeks before on his BBC 'Wogan' appearance (which I'd taped and watched over and over again). I was young. And very excited. So when he said 'Can you see alright up there?' (balcony crowd: 'Yes!') my sister and I joined in his retort (in low voices to ourselves) 'Well what're you doing wearing glasses then?' and so on. Ho! ho! weren't we funny?
A few gags later I knew exactly what would make me look really clever and cool. So when he japed 'Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?' I yelled at the top of my voice 'Because it was dead!'
Rik didn't appreciate it. He screamed "FUCK YOU!!!!!!!" and proceeded to run about the stage for the next 5 minutes exhibiting as many different ways of giving V signs to me as possible.
He got a much bigger laugh with my help, and about six months later a friend of my sister's claimed to see the same thing happen at Newcastle City Hall, so he probably planted someone in the crowd to do it.
And he's a millionnaire, so he owes me.
(, Wed 12 Apr 2006, 14:27, Reply)
Topical heckle
As you may be aware there's been a whole load of striking and protesting bollocks going on in France lately as the government tries to inflict the real world upon France.

Part of this has seen my university (along with most in France) blocaded by students under the impression that the government will be forced to cave in to their demands due to the immense pressure that not going to lectures undoubtedly inflicts. Or so goes their reasoning.

Anyhow, after big protests and strikes the government has backed down so logically the protests should come to an end. Not according to some. To end the blocade we had to hold a vote before which lots of impassioned speeches were made.

One guy was arguing that we had to carry on with the blocade because people are starving in Africa. Seeing this as completely irrelavent I shouted out (in English)

"what the fuck has that got to do with anything you stupid cunt?"

The speaker didn't hear me and I got a few odd looks from people around but it made me feel better at least.

Mes excuses pour longeur, corpulence etc as they might say here.

Edit: The vote went in favour of ending the blocade. The children of Africa will remain hungry.
(, Wed 12 Apr 2006, 14:19, Reply)
Comedy Store, Leicester Square, London. December 2001
Ardal O'Hanlon is last on, playing a blinder & coming to the end of his set.

Some cheeky chappie on the front row starts pestering him.

Heckler: "Sing 'My Lovely Horse'".

Ardal: No, I'm afraid I can't do that.

Heckler: "I'll pay you"

Ardal: "hehe, This'll be good. Go on, get your money out then."

Heckler whips out his wallett and slaps a tenner defiantly on the side of the stage at O'Hanlon's feet.

Ardal: "Bollocks"

Audience cheers.

Ardal: "My lovely horse runnning through the field........."
(, Wed 12 Apr 2006, 14:01, Reply)
During a lecture, some drunk bloke at the back shouted "Show us your testicles!". Cracked everyone up, including the lecturer.
(, Wed 12 Apr 2006, 13:58, Reply)
Amused Moose, Soho, London. June 2004.
The comedian & Jerry Springer The Opera creator Stewart Lee is performing a warm-up show for that year's Edinburgh set (since released on DVD as "StandUp Comedian").

He's doing a bit about the state of music today, and criticises The Darkness. Justifiably.
Infact, he rips into them. The audience are on his side. Everyone hates "The Darkness", it seems, and - buoyed along by this - he gets more & more scathing until a voice at the back of the room pipes up:

"Yeah, but surely you believe in a thing called love?"

The room laughs. Lee laughs. Taken off guard, but genuinely amused by this heckle.

"Yeah. I do believe in a thing called love. But, my definition of love is more metaphysical. A bond between people, a spiritual thing. It exists, I believe in it, but I don't associate it with a screaming man in a stripy lycra catsuit running around and singing badly." (I'm paraphrasing, of course..)
"But - that is the best heckle I've ever had."

He carries on.
20 minutes later, he's doing a bit about returning to stand up from the wilderness of musical theatre, a field he never thought he'd find himself in - as he hates it.
He cites such examples as "We Will Rock You" amongst his hatred of the genre.
He divulges, he moves on to attack 70s rockers Queen & their flamboyant, camp music - referring back to the Darkness ragging from earlier.

The same voice at the back pipes up: "Yeah, but surely you believe in a crazy little thing called love?"

Everyone laughs.
Lee responds, trying to stifle his own laughter:
"Yeah. I do believe in a crazy little thing called love. But, my definition of love is more metaphysical. A bond between people, a spiritual thing. It exists, I believe in it, but I don't associate it with a moustached, buck-toothed man in a stripy lycra catsuit running around and singing badly."

"You see, if you use the same heckle - you get the same response...."

(, Wed 12 Apr 2006, 13:43, Reply)
My dad's unanswerable heckle
Everytime my father finds himself in a situation which is not to his advantage he is able to turn this around simply by highlighting the fact that he once climbed Ben Nevis. A perfect example of this was an argument myself and him were having this morning over breakfast. It went as follows:

My dad: I was the black one in Destiny's Child.

Me: But dad, they're all bl....

My dad: Shut up. I've climbed Ben Nevis.
(, Wed 12 Apr 2006, 13:35, Reply)
Another pub quiz one....
Not me, but a couple of mates went into a bar in Abergavenny this one time. No idea why. As they were walking they heard:

"And first prize: A weekend away in Skegness"

to which one of the two pipes up:

"What's second prize? Siz months inside?"

Still makes me chuckle....
(, Wed 12 Apr 2006, 13:34, Reply)
you unfunny miserable snot encrusted crunt junkie
Yeah, I was at Reading and I threw a bottle of piss cause yeah they were shit but I did it from a crowd and that was re...


just to let you know I was working the security that weekend to earn some money because my little girl is dying from cancer and I wanted to give her one last dying wish, just to go to disneyland, one of those bottles hit me and I had to go to hospital. I never got paid. She died. A painful. painful. death.
(, Wed 12 Apr 2006, 12:59, Reply)
The most pointless heckling ever?
Watching a band play - mistakes in animation - one guy and his guitar playing some nice songs for our enjoyment

Rather drunk girl sitting at the side of the stage starts shouting out 'Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.' in a horrible drunken slur, for some very odd looks from the rest of us, but keeps it up every so often, with no relation to any chorus or timing, why?
Then again this was the girl who was dancing about like a drunken twat, and sat on the edge of our table, started at me for a minute solidly, then stroked my friends hair...

(, Wed 12 Apr 2006, 12:54, Reply)
Not exactly a heckle, but . . .
A mate of mine went to see blues legend BB King.
As the old bluesman man walked onto stage, my boy pipes up loud and clear:
"I didnae know he was black!"

General audience hilarity - hummus!
(, Wed 12 Apr 2006, 12:48, Reply)
Once saw Boothby Graffoe corpse a fellow comedian brilliantly. There'd been a bit of rivalry between them throughout the night. Then, as the other comic was doing his (not bad) turn, Graffoe hopped on stage with his trousers round his ankles shouting: "Hey, your mum's outside."
(, Wed 12 Apr 2006, 12:43, Reply)
(, Wed 12 Apr 2006, 12:33, Reply)
STOP WITH THE FOOD MUMMA HECKLES They're not funny, especially after being repeated 18 times!
Comedy night at uni in freshers week,

Comedian picks on a random student:-
" Whats that your drinking?"

The student replies

"Horlicks, though your sending me to sleep more than the drink is"

The comdeian never recovered
(, Wed 12 Apr 2006, 12:29, Reply)
poor sol campbell
a while back i was driving and listening to an arsenal match on 5 live. this was just after sol's return to first team action after taking a while off due to a bereavement.

sol was taking a throw on - and they must have switched over to a pitchside mic near sol. over the background crowd noises, clear as day - you heard one loud bloke shout the immortal words..

"Your Dad's DEAD! AHHHH!"
(, Wed 12 Apr 2006, 12:29, Reply)
scouting scouting scouting, rawhide
i was in the scouts most of my young life and we used to go to an event called the sedan chair rally. it was basically 2 nights on the piss and then a short race with a sedan chair.

anyway, they ran a quiz on the first night. by the time we got there we were all already hammered and continued to get more so. the bloke running the quiz had made the mistake of wearing a rather stupid hat, and being a bit of a grumpy bastard. picking up on this we decided to call our quiz team 'i like you're hat' as this allowed us to shout 'i like yours too' every time he did scores or anything. rather complicated way to heckle but it was fun.

the quiz was also stupidly long, i think i left for about an hour and came back and it was still going.
(, Wed 12 Apr 2006, 12:28, Reply)
Many moons ago I went to see Aliens 3 at the cinema, the lights went out and the title screen came up with the ALIENS 3 logo (Small 3 by the s) ... voice from behind " Aliens Cubed ? ... whats that about then ? " made me giggle all the way through that film.

Which is just as well cos the film was a pile of big dogs cock
(, Wed 12 Apr 2006, 12:20, Reply)
I was watching a comedian in a Pub a few years ago, he was getting into everybody. Then this one chap went to bar, Huge great fat bloke with a beard and a horizontal stripey shirt on, the comedian clocks him and pipes up..."Hey mate!, are you the bloke thats fucking popeye's wife?!!?" best joke he told all night.......
(, Wed 12 Apr 2006, 12:20, Reply)
Right on brother!
Re: Daphne and Celeste
I happened to have heard most of Daphne and Celeste's fine artistic work before I actually saw them (mainly because I have a little sister). The reason I joined in the bottling them off stage is down to this - I did not pay to see them - they were not on the line up, and when some completely untalented little rich girls decide that they're going to appear on stage and sing songs like "Because we want to" and "Oh stick you", I don't like to have my time wasted. Don't get me wrong, I like my pop music, I also like rock, jazz - fuck it, anything that is GOOD. THEY WERE NOT GOOD. THEY WERE SHIT. IF YOU'RE OPINION IS DIFFERENT THEN YOU ARE WRONG WRONG WRONG. So shove that up yer tradesmens entrance 'Last Night A DJ Battered My Christ'. Teh geyest name eva.

Too right I was also there! They are twats! and your a twat ''Last Night A DJ Battered My Christ'' Oh poor little rich girls, you sad muppet! Ie fuck off!
(, Wed 12 Apr 2006, 11:35, Reply)
This comedian was on stage at this comedy evening, right? and he was, like, a bit shit. failing miserable to raise any laughs.

So anyway, this guy in the front row gets up.

The comedian spots an opportunity to deflect the attention from himself to someone else, so starts asking him where he's going etc etc.

The guy looks up and says:
"I was just going for a piss before the QOTW changes"

(, Wed 12 Apr 2006, 11:22, Reply)

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