The Halal Sandwich
I don't know what it is with me living with other people; I just seem to attract contradictory lifeforms in whatever area I inhabit. Needless to say, it makes rented student accommodation a bit of a bastard to manage when you have 4 very different people all throwing out double standards.

My current dilemna is an ongoing 12 month sentence with an awkward Muslim, who for the sake of reinforcing any typical racist thoughts you may inhabit I might as well refer to as Mohammed. As I'm sure the readers are aware - and the Daily Mail has protested in big black African American letters, those following the Qur'an cannot eat non-halal meats. In particular, pork is a big no-no on the 'Things you shouldn't do if you wish to enter the Kingdom of Heaven' list.

For Mohammed, this orthodoxy couldn't have the line drawn at a simple 'don't feed me bacon or it'll be like that scene from Gremlins'. His upbringing dictates a seperate collection of utensils and his own personal fridge in compliance with his religious restraining order. In a student house, let's summarise this as an entire kitchen devoted to these ideals. It's definately getting in the way, but shared cohabitation is all about compromises, right?

Alas, this is not to be. After a blissful evening on the tiles, my tastebuds awoke to the distinct craving of all that which is fried and unhealthy. Your author required a fierce combination of black pudding, sausages, bacon, eggs and beans and would violently garrote all those that stood in his way of such a bountiful treat. To check the contents of the fridge:

Beans
Check
Eggs
Check
Bacon
Missing
...
Wait, missing? Such luxuries were purchased mere hours ago (thank you 24 hour Tesco stores, the Nirvana of the pished). What's going on here?

Finally my meats were found. In the bin. Skulls were going to be broken as soon as I was sober enough to do such a thing without vomiting. Many angry wakeup calls pointed me firmly in the direction of Mohammed. As his fridge was full, he explained, he needed to offload his supplies into the other chilled storage areas. Naturally, as these foods couldn't be near pork, the fairest way to approach the problem was to remove all offending goods from his sight so no sins were committed. A good tenners worth of loveliness thrown away for Allah. My tenners worth of loveliness.

And what foods, may you ask, was so important that my weekend was subsequently binned? Mohammed's pack of wafer thin ham he was using for sarnies that week.

My lords and ladies, I'm going to commit a hate crime.
(FoxyBadger (try saying it backwards), Thu 19 Feb 2009, 23:57, 7 replies)

Surely
an excellent excuse to wallpaper his room with said ham?
(chuckle_h0und You furnish the pictures, I'll furnish the war, Fri 20 Feb 2009, 1:34, closed)

Hypocrisy aside,
The law of student housing clearly states that you don't touch other housemates' food. It's just not done
(Vulpine or something, Fri 20 Feb 2009, 3:13, closed)

You shouldn't single someone out for abuse
Based on the colour of their skin but by God I do think students are the scum of the earth. My time at tertiary school was plagued by annoying, whinging "I-need-financial-assistance-to-continue-barely-scraping-a-passing-grade-in-my-arts-degree" workshy, bad-hygiene-having WANKERS.

/end rant
(Now I manage a bar, dealing with pissheads on a daily basis. I like the pissheads, they laugh at my jokes.)
(Helixdaunting, Fri 20 Feb 2009, 3:57, closed)

umm...
...did he realise that (according to convention) bacon and ham sort of, well, come from the same animal?

And how do you fill a fridge on your own? (I mean, you only need to keep a few severed heads at any one time...)
(The Incredible Sulk Finally remembered his password on, Fri 20 Feb 2009, 7:06, closed)

I would have asked the twat in a very loud voice...
"Which fucking animal do you think ham comes from you dumb shit???"

Then show him a youtube video on "how ham is made".

I had a similar experience once where a muslim *friend* (he just attached himself to people cos he had no friends) bought a large pack of "bolognaise" crisps when we were in france (after all, he couldn't read French). After he'd munched his way through half the pack I considerately pointed out to him the meat content of his salty snack. I think he prayed to Allah shortly afterwards.
( brown-wings Made with three kinds of butter, Fri 20 Feb 2009, 9:26, closed)

Jesus
I am with you on this one buddy.

*brings on THE PAIN*


EDIT: I would also crudely epoxy cheap bacon to his body when he slept, record the process, and threaten to email Mohammed the YouTube URL if he does it again.

(Youtube account name suggestion: BaconBoyHatesMohammed)
(powervator and NONE SHALL PASS, Fri 20 Feb 2009, 11:13, closed)

Fucking hamtoucher.
That will be all.
(_(_(_(_(_(_(_(_(_ =o.o=, Fri 20 Feb 2009, 17:59, closed)