well she was a barmaid your honour!
back when I was 21 I liked to frequent a dodgy cheap pub on the high street known for it's cheap booze and even cheaper women.

one friday night I was there with my mate when I managed to pull the barmaid and my friend pulled her mate.

back to my mates for some fun, my girl was on so we just had a fumble but my friend and his bird did the lot.

met up with my one the following tuesday to find out she was only 16 (lied to the landlord) and her friend was only 15! ha, you should have heard my mate when I phoned to take the piss!

I waited 6 months then did them both! gotta be done!
(Starzy had a headache on, Thu 24 Aug 2006, 13:52, Reply)

When I was 14...
My mum found out me and my 17 year old boyfriend had been having sex like insane rabbits the second her back was turned. She was angry and was going on about how she could tell the police. I said "But its not like he forced me into it!" To which my mum replid "Yeah,you probably forced him into it!"

I was shocked and speechless...
(Miharu, Thu 24 Aug 2006, 13:07, Reply)

youthful naïveté
When I was in my early teens, I'd go shopping in town, sometimes using the public toilets there.

I nearly called up one of the numbers scrawled on the wall. After all, I was young and "gagging", and I thought it very considerate of Girls to come in to the Mens loo to write their "classifieds"...
( bnt what, me worry?, Thu 24 Aug 2006, 13:05, Reply)

I passed on the jailbait, but my three mates...
...weren't quite so bothered. Not thought about this for years, and you'll probably see why. Christ, memories like this make me wonder why I didn't start batting for the other team by choice :)

When I was 19ish in the early 90's (as were my mates), we regularly spent Friday and Saturday nights at our two favourite clubs (Wigan Pier and Life/Bowlers respectively, if anyone knows them) but were always at a loose end on Sundays so we usually went back to Wigan Pier for the under-18's night. Same good tunes as Friday nights, so we were happy.

One Sunday, we got friendly with these 4 surprisingly plummy girls who lived somewhere in Wigan and paired off with one each. Each one of them was fit-as-fuck, and whilst I was more interested in the tunes than copping off (we didn't go beyond club-shouty conversation and a dance or two), my mates were well in there - one of them even ended up fucking his under the stairs in the club that very night.

I had my suspicions from the start, which only strengthened the case for hesitation - we hooked up with them at an under 18's night after all. As we were leaving, I casually asked how old they were and it was revealed that they were aged between 13-14 and were in the same year at thier school. I know we weren't exactly all-grown-up at the time but fucking hell all the same - at that age, you couldn't be sure they'd even sprouted hairs yet. It turned out the one who got nailed that night under the stairs was one of the 13-year-olds. I didn't ask him about hairs - I didn't want to know.

Needless to say, I still talked to them, but any petting action was definitely out. Not so for my mates - they carried on seeing thiers for a good few weeks and all three of them were put-to on numerous occasions according to my mates. Mine ended up fairly nonplussed by my lack of similar attention - the last time she spoke to me she straight-out offered me a blowjob and was well pissed off when I laughed and said 'You've got no fucking chance'. I understand that she stopped hanging around with the others even in school after that. I didn't see her again even once.

I have to admit, I lost a slice of respect for all three of my mates during that time and as for the girls themselves... Well yay for sexual freedom for females and all that, but 13 years old, not to mention 13 when I was 19? Like fuck I would, even then when I was straight and drugged/luvved-up most of the time to boot.
(thatblokeoverthere not quite as much an arsehole as I thought, Thu 24 Aug 2006, 13:04, Reply)

Gay Paedo ?
Not me but a mate. A bunch of lads went down the pub after work and were discussing music. One piped up "I'd do that blonde one out of Hanson" - cue the sound of jaws hitting the floor, then laughter as it was gently pointed out that they were all, in fact, boys ! (it was a genuine mistake apparently)
(kitescreech still here, Thu 24 Aug 2006, 13:00, Reply)

Your Dad
A friend of mine used to shag his forty-year-old married girlfriend underneath a huge pink lipstick daubing on his wall that read 'Your dad is my cock'.

You couldn't not notice it, yet it didn't ever seem to put her off.

Mind you, nor did the row of piss-filled spirit bottles that he kept on his windowsill......
(Speculum, Thu 24 Aug 2006, 12:55, Reply)

Can a 12 year old boy even do this...?
When I was 12 I had a lot of female friends, as I was outgoing, cocky, confident, everything that other unsure 12 year olds love in a peer. Anyway, while I was with one girl, kissing, exploring etc, my friend came knocking at my window, asking me if I wanted to come break some stuff he had just found. Being a 12 year old I chose this over getting busy with this girl, although I would live to regret it. So off I went, broke some stuff, played in the street until 10 o'clock (summers were so much more fun back then, weren't they?) and went to bed content from a day of football, breaking stuff, and touching some breasts.

The next day when I was at school, I decided I didn't like this girl anymore, and my best mate decided the same. So off we went to tell her. She took it rather well, in fact she didn't say anything, just turned and ran away. Job done, we thought. That is until later that day, when I was taken out of class by the headmaster. Nothing unusual there, it was generally a daily occurence, so off I went to his office, with the naughty things i'd done that week running through my head as usual. I never imagined what it would be though, as he sat me down, and proceeded to explain how the girl who I had just dumped had accused me of RAPE. that's right, not pulling her hair, or writing rude words in her notebook, but rape. I can't remember what I said to this, but the disbelief must have been apparant, as after an hour talking to the police, they believed me, and later my mum told me that the police believed that the girls mother had instigated the whole thing, and it was fairly obvious who was telling the truth.

I actually feel sorry for her now, as her mum was obviously a few varieites short of a Heinz.
(NexusWR Long time listener, first time caller, Thu 24 Aug 2006, 11:44, Reply)

Music Video
My (now Ex) boyfriend and I were housesitting for his folks who were away on holiday. Well worth it as they have a big screen TV like the ones in pubs.
I walked into the living room to find him cock in hand furiously bashing one out to a Jo Jo video. Bear in mind she was only about 13/14 at this point. He even had the cheek to ask me to give him a blow job whilst he watched her in all her full screen glory.
Cue me in fits of laughter screeching "paedo" at the top of my lungs.
To this day he still claims he didn't know how old she was - one does protest too much me thinks!
(la la la la, Thu 24 Aug 2006, 10:40, Reply)

Worth it?
Another 'not me, but my mate' story.

We were in The local pub one evening talking to friends, girls, drinking etc. A good night was being had by all. One of the 'new' girls (we were a pretty close-knit bunch) and he were getting along swimmingly, flirting, laughing, playing with each others hair and all the other usual things that people do before they start sucking the face off each other.

Now this girl was really pretty , slim, pale, perfect milky skin and jet black hair, well dressed, we were all really jealous that he was going to get first dibs. Then someone asks her age. 13. That’s Thirteen years old. Instantly, we all feel like dirty old bastards (we're all of 19-20) Shocked frankly as she really has, well 'matured nicely' as certain unpleasant websites might put it.

Thing is, my mate pauses, picks up his drink, and starts flirting with her again. We're all stunned, and frankly a bit impressed at his extreme lack of morals. After a time, he offers to buy her a drink, an offer she accepts, choosing an expensive cocktail priced way above the accepted level of drinks people buy for you. (We were all either unemployed or students) Mate reluctantly goes to the bar and gets it for her.

On the walk back to the table, carrying the cocktail, his wallet began to call out ‘that was more than you could afford, this is only the beginning.’ Now being from an area of N. Ireland which is rather renowned for its thriftiness, I can only guess he had an attack from some deep-down ingrained genetic evolutionary area of his mind. But he stood at the front of the table and looked at the girl. He then looked at the drink. Back at this 13 year old girl. Back at the drink. He then sits down at the far side of the table, away from her, and drinks the cocktail he has bought for her. When asked why he was doing this, he replied “Well, she’s a bit young but I was still going to, but I’ll be fucked if I’m paying that much money to get her drunk”

So there you have it. My mate IS a sexual pervert but at least he has his wallet in the right place.
(menashem, Thu 24 Aug 2006, 9:47, Reply)

Daddylover
Er, that would make you 43 now, and you're tagline is "You only hate me 'cos I f**cked your grandad!" which somehow doesn't quite add up.

Why would a 43 year old sign on as Daddylover with that kind of tagline?
GAy you may be, but something 'aint right mate.

Sorry!
( Dabooka_ has changed his name on, Thu 24 Aug 2006, 9:40, Reply)

Apparently I'm a sex offender
According to the 'net nanny' at work, almost everylink on this board is blocked as pornography (good work fellas!) except for the front page.
(TomJoad, Thu 24 Aug 2006, 6:11, Reply)

Too Late
I was at a conference and met this cute girl wearing a suit and very smartly turned out. She was a bit asian and I couldn't tell if she was a student or maybe in her late 20s. I was 29 and had just split up with a girlfriend.

Anyway we got chatting, and she was argumentative and opinionated and we got on really well. We went out for dinner, got a bit drunk and ended up going back to my flat and shagging like monkeys.

Then at 11 pm she said "Oh god, I'd better get home or I'll be in trouble."

At that point I became quite concerned - she was a stunning girl and I thought she meant she had a boyfriend or husband waiting for her. So I asked her if that was the case...

"Oh no, just my mum and dad - but I'm not supposed to be out this late - I should be studying really"

"What are you studying for?" I asked, now really worried

"A-Levels", she said. She had just turned 17.

Amazingly we ended up going out - despite objections from her friends and mine.

The point at which I really felt a pervert was when she took me as her date to the disco at her all-girls school and most of the girls didn't have boyfriends.

Being 30 and the only man standing in a crowded dance-floor of 16 and 17 year old schoolgirls gyrating to "I'm horny, horny horny horny" felt wrong somehow.

She left me for a guy 5 years older than me.
(Darth Spin, Thu 24 Aug 2006, 2:53, Reply)

Full dentures are fun!
When I was 23, I met my first BF aged 55 in the toilets at Picadilly Circus. He's now 75 and my current BF is 71 - so I left him for a younger man!

Werther's Original? Yes please!
(Daddylover Putting the sex into sexygenarian since.., Thu 24 Aug 2006, 2:06, Reply)

Hull - The Welly Club...I swear she was 21, your honour
September 2004 - For my 30th Birthday I went out with a few mates to my favourite Indie Night (Sweet n' Sour) at Hull's notorious Welly Club. We'd been in there about 30 minutes or so and I ended up on the dancefloor, throwing shapes in the way a man celebrating his 30th birthday should. I'm dressed in mandatory indie-club fashion, topped off with a large yellow "30 TODAY" badge. (Thus making it obvious how old I am) I ended up dancing with two ladies, both of them fit-as....well, you get the picture. We went back to the table were I'd left my mates and got talking. One of the two ladies went off to the bar to get me a double aftershock, on account of me being 30 while I proceeded to bag-off with her mate. Said lady returns from the bar and the one who I was just swapping spit with buggered off to the loo. Her mate leaned over, passed me my aftershock and said "She's been after you since you walked in, you just made her night. By the way, how old did she say she was?"

(You can see what's coming...)

I replied loudly "21, you both are, right?"

Girl looks at me and creases up

"Sorry love, we're both 16"

I never thought it was possible to feel sordid yet somewhat heroic at the same time.
(The Graduate Adding to the confusion since 1974, Thu 24 Aug 2006, 1:37, Reply)

Every time I forward an email from friends.

( Sir Pigeon Nipples Did you sit in some sugar?, Thu 24 Aug 2006, 1:30, Reply)

Not I,but my father
Here is the tale of how my father and a complete stranger violated a disabled man.My mum and dad were walking round a local seaside town.Passing a public toilet,my father was asked for assistance.A lady,charged with a gentleman in a wheelchair needed help to get him to a toilet.As this was one of the subterranean conveniences,she couldn't manage him herself.So,my dad and another guy agree to carry him down the steps.That being accomplished,they busy themselves with the nitty-gritty of the operation.Now,the ladies in the audience will see the obvious solution,but these are blokes and how do blokes pee?We use a urinal.
Now,this fellow is quite severely disabled.He can't talk and to be brutally honest,the poor bugger has as many flippers as he should have arms and legs.Obviously,he can't stand at the piss pot.Ingeniously,they decide to stand either side and support him on their legs.So,we now have two fellas propping up an increasingly distressed,handicapped unfortunate.What's the next step,you wonder?The Johnson has to be extracted of course.I forgot who did the deed,but the deed was done and the appendage was duly pointed at the porcelain.They wait a while,but nothing happens.Here comes the real stroke of genius.They decided to jiggle him,whilst they whistled,to encourage him to start weeing.Now,imagine yourself in that situation.Dumb,profoundly disabled,entirely in the thrall of two strangers,having your winkie waggled and being whistled at to make you tinkle.This is where the women are screaming out what they should have done.Eventually,they looked at each other and one said,"maybe we should have sat him on a toilet"
They looked at him and he nodded gratefully,no doubt screaming inside,begging a non-existent God to deliver him from his torment.Anyway,after that,it all gets less interesting.They sat him down and he did his busines and they were on their way.Imagine the story he could tell his kids.If he could speak that is.
(archroy Get down wi' yer bad self., Thu 24 Aug 2006, 0:24, Reply)

Saved by a T shirt
Went to see Dio at Birmingham Academy last year. Whilst waiting for my mate outside after the gig I was eyeing up the ladies to occupy myself. So there's this couple come out, about mid40's, hes a typical rocker of that age, few tatt's, shaved head, looks a bit hard etc and his missus has an enormous rack struggling to escape the confines of a flimsy top. So I cop an eyeful (rude not to) and all of a sudden the bloke lunges at me and shouts something - for a second I think "Shit he's clocked eyeing up his bird and is gonna kill me" - whereupon I realise he was shouting "Dragonforce !" ( a band) and was pointing at my Dragonforce T shirt !
Phew.
(kitescreech still here, Wed 23 Aug 2006, 23:39, Reply)

My mum,not me...
My mums always commuted to London to work,and she's always got the train. One day,she was on the train,and she felt something touching her hand. She thought nothing of it,as people were crammed quite close,and she guessed it was just a guys hand.

It was then she looked around,and saw a little Chinese guy right near her with that kinda "I'm about to blow" look on his face. She looked down and he was rubbing his cock on her hand! She pushed him over,cock still out,and got off the train at the next stop.

She then phoned to inform the travel police,and they said another woman had reported something similar a few days previously,and said to my mum "well,at least you didnt end up with an...ahem...drycleaning bill..."
(Miharu, Wed 23 Aug 2006, 23:35, Reply)

So let me get this straight...
Standing in a childrens playground with no clothes on isnt allowed?
(DTAled You can make a Fortune in Lies, Wed 23 Aug 2006, 22:56, Reply)

Not me, but a good friend . . .
I have just this week returned from a surfing trip with my friends, during which we stayed on a campsite with seperate toilet and shower facilities. In the morning, these facilities became rather crowded and it's not uncommon to find yourself waiting for a toilet cubicle.

Anyway, one of my friends was waiting for the use of the afore mentioned cubicles, when he heard the sound of a young boy shouting from the cubicles: "Stop it! Daddy said you weren't allowed to touch me! Stop touching me!" Which was bad enough, but immediately the deep voice of a man responded slowly: "Calm Down."

It would later turn out to be that a father was looking after his two boys on the toilet and one was teasing the other, but my friend returned to the tent still laughing . . .
(Dr. Wombat, Wed 23 Aug 2006, 21:15, Reply)

The first time I performed the anal sex
was on a fat bird who smelled of B.O due to her hairy armpits to be fair I dont think it penetrated, it just got lost in the arse flab. You love it when I share.



I was and am rat-arsed, so please dont be angry.
( Paedosmile service with a grin., Wed 23 Aug 2006, 21:10, Reply)

Herman the german
many moons ago a friend of mine had a german family staying with him.

As their five year old son emerged from the swimming pool, i thought i would reach across the cultural barriers (show off) by speaking to the young lad using the sparce and only german i know

(outside of the old commando comics achtung donner und blitzen)

This being "vas ist das", meaning "what is that" (i hope).

i grinned cockily and pointed to the only piece of clothing he was wearing, his trunks.

the poor lad then sprung a tear as he dropped his head and pointed to his wee fella, with both family's watching on in silent horror as i appeared to be pointlessly ridiculing their teutonic spawn for my perverted pleasure.

i think i am still there stuck in this moment in some form of satanic pergatory.
(robertsione, Wed 23 Aug 2006, 18:58, Reply)

White whine (sic)
So there we all were, in the pub, a few years back. All my so called mates were enjoying a lovely conversation about their selected Soaves, Sauvignon Blancs and their Pinot Grigiots. Imagine my utter dismay and embarassment when they pointed out I had a Semillon.
(Chickenwire social lubricator extraordinaire, Wed 23 Aug 2006, 18:27, Reply)

After one too many beers
I made my first trip to the toilets in this reasonably modern city pub. On approaching the two doors I noticed there were no 'male' or 'female' signs but rather the sex symbols in 1960s style painting. After some serious thinking I came to the conclusion that the circle with arrow pointing up the way was my port of call.

As I entered I was already in the process of preparing myself to urinate only to be met with three women at the sinks staring at me as my hand was on my crotch. Now, the situation could easily have been fixed if I was sober and able to explain but instead I froze, partially mumbled "sex symbol" before quickly heading towards the door only for it to swing open and hit me leaving me bent over with my fly still open. Of course the newly entering females looked in horror at me before I exited to the sounds of laughing and one large scream of "PEEERRRVEEERT".

The next day I learned the signs were actually the wrong way round. If the person who painted them wasn't an idiot I could have had a nice piss and gone back to my beer in peace.
(cool dry place, Wed 23 Aug 2006, 18:15, Reply)

My ex's nephew wanted to show me his willy once
He was 7, (the nephew - not the ex - otherwise I WOULD be a sex offender) and he'd just been circumcised for some unknown medical reason.

THE SCENE: At children's birthday party:

Nephew - "Auntie Susan* (not my real name), do you want to see my new willie?"

Me - Shuffling and embarrassed "No thank you".

He'll be about 16 now, maybe I should give him a call...
(Peelmytangerines, Wed 23 Aug 2006, 17:55, Reply)

I just though of a situation where im often mistaken for a dirty perv
on a big night out Ill sometimes sleep in my work clothes, before my death alarm forces me on my way to work again. It usually on the tube I'll notice the vivid white jizz-looking stains down the front of my trousers. the culprit: leaking garlic sauce from a 3am kebab
( cumquat may will not be commenting further on the allegations, Wed 23 Aug 2006, 17:19, Reply)

Ah yes
In September '04, I had just moved back into university, ready to complete my final year. Everything was in place, my books were on the shelves, my computer had been set up. So, I sat down at my desk to read a book. Now my room didn't have any curtains at this point, but it didn't bother me as I could quite happily get dressed behind a towel. Anyways, back to my book. I was happily sat down reading, when I looked up and noticed several things. The first was that my next door neighbour had left his curtains open. Secondly, there appeared to be movement, which in a picosecond I understood to be my next door neighbour making the beast with two backs with his missus. I looked down very quickly, and of course told all my mates the next day. However, I didn't come the best in this... mainly because somehow the rumour went round I filmed them with my webcam. Odd thing is, I didn't get a webcam until two months after the fact.
( jim_bob can herd cats., Wed 23 Aug 2006, 17:17, Reply)

went out with a lass in norway
this was years ago when i wasnt chained to a computer during daylight hours, and roamed the earth like kung-fu, looking for adventure. I stayed with her in her mums house, and her mum and her brother, while polite, kept giving me strange looks. As did her Socialist youth group friends. after about a month of midnight sun bliss and spearing the bearded clam, she says she is starting to get in trouble because she hadnt been to school in weeks. "school?" says I, "How old are you?". It turns out she was 16 (going on 17). I was 25. I had her placed around 22, she was certainly more emotionaly mature than I was at the time. The more I look back, the more I read 'you perv' into the reactions of her family and friends. I guess I was, but I swear I didnt know it at the time, your honour.
( cumquat may will not be commenting further on the allegations, Wed 23 Aug 2006, 17:12, Reply)

A Friend's story, from long ago.
He was a rampant sex maniac who once had 3 girlfriends simultaneously. She was 1 of the 3, his longest, and knew of the other two, yet she still somehow put up with him even though she knew of his sexual exploits. Anyway, one time (and this is using his words), he was doing her from behind, when she turns around and said, "It always hurts me when we do it this way.". His response should go down in history: "Oh - no-one else ever complained." and promptly spunked as she was overcome with tears at his unfaithfullness.
it still took over a year for them to break up.
( mikeyyy, Wed 23 Aug 2006, 16:55, Reply)

DustyMonkey
He's 16. In real life. I'm 32. It'll never be okay.
(Rakky (forgot her password) The muffin maverick, Wed 23 Aug 2006, 16:43, Reply)