Dad told me this story
He was in a pub, as usual and a local dumb blonde was proving to the regulars just how smart she was.

So the barmaid would point to pictures in the newpaper and ask "whos he then?"

After a couple of minutes they had gone through nearly all the sunday papers and the blonde had known every person.

The barmaid then pointed to a picture of the late Yasser Arafat and asks "who's this then?"
and with a beaming smile the blonde replied

"Osama Bin Laden"
(fistcount shite, Fri 7 Jan 2005, 19:12, Reply)

ahem...
my friend Camille: why is it called cajun chicken?
Me: ermmm...cos it comes from a place called cajia. *smirks*
Camille: oh.

she also thought that everyone in the world had brown nipples. god help her.
(PAMPAMPAM, Fri 7 Jan 2005, 19:11, Reply)

How big?
Overheard at the office, when Girl A was comforting Girl B, who feels that she is being victimised, bullied and generally crapped on by the Office Manager:

Girl A: "What's up, Girl B? Why are you crying?"

Girl B: "It's that bitch, going on at me again. I'm being left out of all the important meetings. I feel ostracized!"

Girl A: "Oh, you're not that big!"


N.B. True story. I admit that I allowed myself a little chortle, but then I realised that these people run our country.
(rymix, Fri 7 Jan 2005, 19:05, Reply)

Well I didn't hear it but...
In the Bill Bryson book "Mother Tongue" he writes about one american politician who said during an argument abouth whether another language should be compulsory in lower education said "Well if English was good enough for Jesus, it's enough for me!"




And these people run the most powerful country in the world.....
(mr.BIG I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts, Fri 7 Jan 2005, 19:01, Reply)

Full of cretiny goodness..

Pringle-wearing twunt at work to harassed subordinate: "It's not rocket surgery, is it?"

Rest of office: "...!..."
(pideypuss, Fri 7 Jan 2005, 19:01, Reply)

Chav Ignorance
Hilarious conversation from year 11:

Chav: Why is Wales a different country?! It's in England innit?
Me: It's next to England. France and Germany are next to each other, but they're not the same country.
Chav: Yeah, but they speak the same language!

Oh dear.
(Pixel, Fri 7 Jan 2005, 19:00, Reply)

Regina Tucker
is not a funny name.

Trust me.
(underachiever, Fri 7 Jan 2005, 18:57, Reply)

This slayed me.
Someone at work asked me if 'Lord of the Rings' was a true story. Really.
(OGH, Fri 7 Jan 2005, 18:55, Reply)

Quiz night, Christmas 2003.
Playing a round where we are asked a bunch of questions, and all of the answers begin with the same letter (which we are told at the start)

Our letter was C.

The first seven questions are answered brilliantly, progressing in a clockwise direction around our team of 8. We need to get all of the questions right to win the prize of the evening.

Questionmaster gets around to the last of us - an elderly woman, and asks: "Name a musical instrument beginning with C."

We were happy. Answering this question right, which lets face it as as easy as pie, will mean we will win the prizes on offer.

What was her answer?

"Triangle."
( GazChap, Fri 7 Jan 2005, 18:46, Reply)

oh yeah...
my nan used to refer to Ronan Keating as 'Rowan Keegan'
(kimothy, Fri 7 Jan 2005, 18:40, Reply)

At the Volksworld Volkswagen Show in London ...
One of the cars on show had been scratched by a careless visitor - a tannoy announcement went out saying that this guy had brought his car all the way over from Germany to show it (it was nice too) and was dissapointed that people weren't more careful.

then some utter bonehead stood near me turned to his friend and said 'ha ha stupid germans, he deserves it'

This was at a German car show ....

the mind boggles.
( spiny - things are looking up, Fri 7 Jan 2005, 18:40, Reply)

Decorative Pictures
I'd just had my room decorated and I had been to Ikea to buy some picures to hang on the walls. Fairy snuff.
Friend comes over, she's known for being a little ditsy at times, asks "Where did you get those pictures from?"
I replied "Ikea".
Friend: "OH! When did you go there?In the holidays?
I said "Yeh".
Friend: "Was it hot?"
Me: "What do you mean?"

Get this...

Friend says "Well..isn't Ikea a country in the middle east??"

Que laughter and pointing.
( just a man sitting on a chair eating a biscuit, Fri 7 Jan 2005, 18:40, Reply)

Lots, and lots.
Many things:

• The wales being left off the map is a conspiracy thing, there is no wales but they forgot that it didn't actually exist.

• That monkeys are just men covered in hair.

• That Regina Tucker is not a funny name.

• That men are more cunning and intellegent.

• Crazy people belong to satin, and teachers are god's gift to children.
(Retarded_Randomer, Fri 7 Jan 2005, 18:39, Reply)

my idiotic friend
"Lionel Blair? Isn't he the president of the USA?"

there's another...
(during the world cup a few years back)
me- "Rio scored!"
mate- "dur, it wasn't Rio, it was FERDINAND!"
(kimothy, Fri 7 Jan 2005, 18:39, Reply)

mispronunciation..
haha my squeaky clean mate spluttering out "fell-at-tee-o", referring to the fine art of having one's nob sucked off

on the subject, my old man once came out with "jammyrockay" instead of jamiroquai...
(chimpforgettable, Fri 7 Jan 2005, 18:29, Reply)

Suppose I mustn't mock, but...
Our local Morrisons has collection buckets for the 'Tsunami Earthquake'.

All those poor Tsunamians, eh?

(Where is Tsunami anyway?)
(simon shitting mason, Fri 7 Jan 2005, 18:26, Reply)

WW2
Similiar to a few others on here... The (soon to be) wife once asked me who won world War 2. She seemed to be under the impression that it was the Germans, but we'd all just taken it as one on the chin and forgotten about it. Put her right by asking one simple question. "Um, what language do you speak, dear?"

Bless.
(Moonfrog1, Fri 7 Jan 2005, 18:19, Reply)

I see there is a lot about americans here......
..well i won't disappoint. A work collegue of mine has a friend who works as an Air Stewardess for British Airways, who regulary do flights from Uk to American for those who didn't know.

Anyway on a flight from one to the other (not sure which but over the Atlantic) an American gentleman asks for a cup of Coffee with cream.

Unfortunately they had run out of cream so the gent was asked if milk would suffice to which he pleasantly replied yes. The Stewardess hands the gent his coffee and two of those little tubs of milk. The worldly American studies the milk tub looking awfully confused and after a brief moment, turns to the stewardess asks, 'What kind of animal is a UHT !?'
( Chumfatty, Fri 7 Jan 2005, 18:17, Reply)

Bloody Yanks
On a Trip to florida, a yank came up and asked me "Where do you like, live?"
"Oh" i said, "I live in Wales"
This was then replyed by "Oh my god, you live in a whale!"

Bloody Yanks
(Live and Uncut, Fri 7 Jan 2005, 18:14, Reply)

Snow!
Me: Woo and yay, it's snowing!
My bro: Where?
( Bob Todd whee, Fri 7 Jan 2005, 18:11, Reply)

Another from work
One of the Waitresses asks: "Do Lambs grow into bigger lambs?"
(Krizog, Fri 7 Jan 2005, 18:00, Reply)

Joisms
You've never met idiocy until you've met my friend Jo. here are a few of her blinders;

"I love food, it's the only thing I eat"

Upon phoning my landline in my house, "Have you left yet?"

and the very best

Her mobile phone went off in our local and one of the regulars enquired as to her ringtone "Is that the william tell overture?", "no" she replied "it's my phone"
(word_grubber, Fri 7 Jan 2005, 18:00, Reply)

Oooh Ooh.. Mad Margaret
I forgot her!

She came out with some crackers in the time I worked at a warehouse near Leeds.

Two that stick in my mind are:

As she fills in a form, she looks at me thoughtfully and asks in all seriousness "Do you think Southport is busier than London?"

Another time England were playing Germany, and Margaret in an attempt to seem interesting asks us what the score was. "One all" we reply

"Ooh.." she says

"Who to?"


...
( MCQ Cartoons n' shit: bagowank.com, Fri 7 Jan 2005, 17:58, Reply)

stupid younger brother
He thought I stole the word "nonchalant" from They Might Be Giants because the first time he heard it was in one of their songs. He is a pot head and drinker though, so he's about as sharp as a sack of wet mice.
The most ignorant thing though I didn't exactly over hear in person, being up north here living in our igloos and all, as over heard on-line; "I voted for Bush, he's a smart and decent guy". Silly yanks.
(Cloven, Fri 7 Jan 2005, 17:55, Reply)

This has probably been mentioned before.. but Chuffdog..
YOU STUPID FUCKING RETARD!
( Naive Amoeba Bored Cig, Fri 7 Jan 2005, 17:48, Reply)

Americans don't do geography.
Now we all know that most Americans know little about the outside world, and they beleive they have the divine right to police the world. We also know that American News tells them bugger all about the rest of the world.

SO.

I'm in canada , and i meet these two Americans.
"Where are you from?" They say.
"I'm from Scotland" i say
"wheres that?" they ask, retardedly.
"Its above England"
"Theres a Scatland above New-England?"
"no, no - its above France on the map"
"wheres that?....."

Oh dear
(ben_1903 www.crackout.tk, Fri 7 Jan 2005, 17:38, Reply)

more religion:
"Did moses ever go to mount everest?"

and someone used to call Muslims "Islams"

I don't have a good American one as such, but once when we went over there my dad kept being asked to say 'Tally Ho'
He's from Sheffield...
(alp, Fri 7 Jan 2005, 17:35, Reply)

born, and dropped on the head, again.
Someone I knew at university had been 'born again' and once told me that 'even with slavery, there were better family values in the 19th century than now'. Which isn't just 'stupid' as in 'horribly misplaced set of priorities', but also 'stupid' as in 'laughably inaccurate'...

I was arguing with this same guy about abortion, he declared that 'abortion is murder', I said that if the fetus is alive it's murder, but what if it isn't? I think he expected me to put an argument such as what if the woman isn't ready to have a child so he could 'trump' it by saying it doesn't matter it's murder...which to me is a valid argument as far as it goes...so he was getting a bit fed up with me keeping on the track, and eventually he said 'it doesn't matter whether the fetus is alive or not, it's about people taking actions and being able to avoid the consequences'. Since then I've suspected that maybe that's what's driving at least some opposition to abortion.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Fri 7 Jan 2005, 17:31, Reply)

Whilst on the London Underground
I saw a mouse (where, there on the stair....I digress) down by the tracks. I also overheard an american tourist telling his girlfriend that it was "a possum". I'd love to say this is the only time that American tourists have been stupid.

I also heard some american tourists whilst I was stood between the two cathedrals in coventry. One old guy said to his wife "Gee, how come they bombed this one, but this one is okay?"

Shall I end there?

In a curry house. American tourists on the table next to us. "Are those naan breads as in vietNAM?"

And they wonder why the world has a dim view of them.
(Woppa, Fri 7 Jan 2005, 17:30, Reply)

Whilst at a friend's house in glasgow...
... Me and a friend of mine were playiny a drunken game of mallet's mallet (you know, where one person says a word, then the other person has to say a word that relates to it etc...)

Anyway, to cut a long and mostly hazy story short, we managed to get to the word 'Labia', to which a female friend (AND primary school teacher) remarked 'Isn't that a country near Russia?'
(Colostomy Bag Explosion Lubing the gears of commercialism, Fri 7 Jan 2005, 17:28, Reply)