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This is a question I'm Sorry I've Written A Joke

Challenge: write a joke. As simple joke with a setup and a punchline.

RULES OF ENGAGEMENT - IGNORING THIS COULD RESULT IN BAN

* Don't steal jokes - write them
* Don't flood post
* Just don't be a dick ok?

So join in and write a bad joke and apologise for it.

Read Latest | Highest Voted

(I helped save b3ta! rob, Wed 8 Aug 2018, 9:00)
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my neighbour gave me some nitrous oxide mixed with Oxo cubes, he's made me a laughing stock

(beepeedee Inner City Sumo, Fri 3 Sep 2021, 13:31, Reply)
How do you know when your goose eggs have gone off?
They start honking.
(The Porcupine From Purgatory Writtern By the Winners, Thu 2 Sep 2021, 11:46, 1 reply, 3 years ago)
I took my dog to the vet
and the vet picked him up and looked him over. Then he turned to me and said 'I'll have to put him down'.

'Why, is he too heavy?'

'No, he's riddled with cancer and is in terrible pain.'
(I helped save b3ta! MisterPunch did it that way on, Tue 31 Aug 2021, 13:58, Reply)
Shakespeare did most of his daily writing before he'd even put on his stockings.
Prose before hose.
(Max Harvey, Sat 28 Aug 2021, 7:30, 2 replies, latest was 3 years ago)
I asked a Scottish farmer...
if he'd consider replacing his cattle prod with an electric guitar.

He said he preferred acoustic.
(Max Harvey, Sat 28 Aug 2021, 7:29, 3 replies, latest was 3 years ago)
When I told my doctor I was having trouble saying the words 'nectarine' and 'apricot'
he sent me to a peach therapist.
(Max Harvey, Sat 28 Aug 2021, 7:28, Reply)
What's green but turns red at the press of a button?
Litmus paper! (the button is designed to squeeze a precise amount of sulphuric acid out of a pipette, lowering the pH from 7 to 0).
(Agent Pr1ck llǝɯs ǝɥʇ sʇI ˙ǝɔɐld sᴉɥʇ ǝʇɐɥ l, Wed 25 Aug 2021, 14:03, 1 reply, 3 years ago)
Went to a fancy dress party recently.
I was described as being a "wolf in sheeps clothing" which is stupid as I was clearly dressed up as a cow.
(I helped save b3ta! friskeyferret Whatever..., Mon 23 Aug 2021, 16:55, 4 replies, latest was 3 years ago)
Why is a five pound note a bit like an octopus?
Because it's 5quid.
(The Porcupine From Purgatory Writtern By the Winners, Tue 17 Aug 2021, 13:53, 1 reply, 3 years ago)
Why is it illegal to add up in Afghanistan?
Because of the Taliban.
(Covid69 Boris variant., Tue 17 Aug 2021, 8:18, 3 replies, latest was 3 years ago)
What do you get if you cross the founder of psychoanalysis with an orange?
Segment Freud
(I helped save b3ta! browser still relating boring anecdotes into a void on, Mon 16 Aug 2021, 22:19, Reply)
Which moon of Saturn went on a killing spree because none of the lady moons wanted to shag it?
Inceladus.
(The Porcupine From Purgatory Writtern By the Winners, Sat 14 Aug 2021, 19:01, Reply)
what do you call Stevie Wonder?
Anything you like - he can't hear you!!!
(I helped save b3ta! Queef Richard's U r a 🔔🔚, Thu 12 Aug 2021, 17:45, 7 replies, latest was 3 years ago)
What's the similarity between a Picasso painting and The House of Commons?
They both have ayes to the right and noes to the left.
(I helped save b3ta! Brandy_Bumwinkle, Thu 12 Aug 2021, 13:50, 1 reply, 3 years ago)
What's orange and sounds like a carrot?
A parrot after you've dyed it orange and taped its beak shut!
(The Porcupine From Purgatory Writtern By the Winners, Wed 11 Aug 2021, 8:54, Reply)
what's brown and sounds like a bell?
DUNG!
(beepeedee Inner City Sumo, Mon 9 Aug 2021, 15:11, 2 replies, latest was 3 years ago)
What does an arseclock do after it butticks?
It buttocks.
(The Porcupine From Purgatory Writtern By the Winners, Mon 9 Aug 2021, 11:28, Reply)
which Swedish band knits its own sweaters?
The Cardigans
(I helped save b3ta! Woodkovsky ☹️➝🚻➝🚽➝😣➝💩➝🧻➝😁, Sat 7 Aug 2021, 12:29, 1 reply, 3 years ago)
What's the deadliest deck on Noah's ark?
The fish deck, because it's got coelacanth racks.
(The Porcupine From Purgatory Writtern By the Winners, Fri 6 Aug 2021, 16:43, 1 reply, 3 years ago)
What's the deadliest curry?
Biryani, because it's got rice in.
(I helped save b3ta! Mr. Tea dole-nonce-amuser extraordinaire, Thu 5 Aug 2021, 13:26, 1 reply, 3 years ago)
When you do a good fart, in your neighbourhood, who ya gonna call?
BoastGusters!
(I helped save b3ta! cumquat may will not be commenting further on the allegations, Wed 28 Jul 2021, 3:20, Reply)
I got in trouble last night for loudly singing Englebert Humperdinck songs in the street.
But the police released me and let me go.
(beepeedee Inner City Sumo, Wed 21 Jul 2021, 9:42, 5 replies, latest was 3 years ago)
Which crooner is constantly having to self-isolate?
Ping Crosby.
(The Porcupine From Purgatory Writtern By the Winners, Tue 20 Jul 2021, 9:30, 15 replies, latest was 3 years ago)
I've seen loads of tennis courts, but where are all the elevenses courts?
...
(Cakie So very tired..., Mon 19 Jul 2021, 22:59, Reply)
I've been thinking of opening a cafe/sex shop on the seafront.
I'd call it called Sand wi' jizz.
(Cakie So very tired..., Mon 19 Jul 2021, 22:57, Reply)
I love orchestral music.
But only if it's played exclusively by orcs and kestrels.
(Cakie So very tired..., Mon 19 Jul 2021, 22:54, Reply)
Why did the kraut rock?
Because it can.
(markreynolds95, Wed 14 Jul 2021, 10:58, 1 reply, 3 years ago)
Met a guy in a pub..
..who told me he could throw a stick two miles and his dog would run after it and bring it back.
Does that sound far fetched to you?
(Haywood Manley, Sat 10 Jul 2021, 21:28, Reply)
an englishman, an irishman and a pollack walk into a bar
the pole buys the first round, even though he hates the way he's always treated by the others
the irishman gets the next round in, even though he can't really afford it
finally the englishman gets up from the table with a expression of profound uncertainty and fucks off.
(ozof, Wed 7 Jul 2021, 0:04, 2 replies, latest was 3 years ago)
Why are England fans like my wife?
Because they are getting excited about seeing two semis in the last three years.
(Covid69 Boris variant., Mon 5 Jul 2021, 15:13, Reply)

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