Years ago
School mag editorial meeting - the latin master/editor was berating one of the others about the fact that his article was not complete. "But it is in the pipeline, Sir!". Soon afterwards it became apparent that the editor was also delinquent in producing his own article. His reposte? "Yes, you are quite correct, mine is in the pipeline too, but my pipeline is much shorter than yours."

Meeting adjourned
(conanow, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 13:26, Reply)

magazine subscription
i worked for a company which had a subscription to Brownfield Briefing, published by Newzeye, (http://www.brownfieldbriefing.com/)

i once range up to talk to someone about the subscription and opened with the imortal line

"i want to talk about my subscription to browneye briefing"

i had to hang up as i couldnt stop crying.
(imallamallama looking forward to llamageddon on, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 13:26, 1 reply)

OOh ooh mine follows on perfectly here
In norwegian the word rap means burp (pronounced rarp).

My friend Arild was on school exchange to england at the tender age of about 13, staying with a northern english family for a week I think it was and trying desperately to make himself understood in English. He was doing fine, hell he was doing better then fine!

But then came the moment, his host 'father' let out a loud burp and proceded to look highly embarrassed. So Arild, feeling sorry for the man nodded all understanding and commented "In Norway we love a good rape after dinner."

Poor lad, norwenglish is not the best of languages to use with the uninitiated! Poor host family.. I cackled like a loon when I heard that one!
(darras jeg har en grevling i hodet. Grevling, grevlang, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 13:25, 1 reply)

I was going to post something but............
It's quite a long one and I don't think I'll be able to pull it off. Would you accept an oral submission?
(oneinthepink is at your cervix m'lady, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 13:24, Reply)

Not sure if this counts as accidental
Me and my brother , while I was still going to Uni in Dundee, used to play a game during the long car journey's back and forth from there and home. The game was simple, whatever one said, the other would append '...that's what she said' to the end of it. Hours of entertainment, and even really simple and innocent things became.....dirty.

'Pull in at the next services, I have to pee'...'that's what she said.'

'COOWWSS!!! (said in that special spactard kinda way)....'that's what she said.'

After a particularly epic fart, with smell and sound like the tearing of dimensional space.....'that's what she said.'

It didn't have to make sense, it just had to keep us entertained. Try it, it's a lot of fun, no really it is.

I would make a length joke here, but....'that's what she said.'
(UncleChuckles "Cthulhu fhtagn", Thu 12 Jun 2008, 13:24, 3 replies)

Asking elderly men about "how big it is"
I work in a sales company providing mobility scooters for the elderly. About five years ago, when I was still considered the "new kid" I was asked to call a few contacts from a list of 200 names on A4 paper (these were the glory days before everything was computerised) and make as many appointments as I could.

At the time my calls were being monitored by the head of my department to make sure that I was saying all the right things. So I picked up the mobile, dialled the number and got through to the first name on the list. It turned out that the old fellow I had rung was already a scooter owner and before long we were having a perfectly innocent conversation about part-exchanging his scooter for a better one.

My boss was sat next to me smiling encouragment as I chatted about the new models we had available until I dropped a clanger. In an effort to find out what he was already driving I said "So, have you got a big one sir?". The office immediately fell about.

To top it off, the guy was pretty deaf so I had to repeat myself a lot louder. Trying not to giggle myself at this point I shouted down the phone, "Did you say you had a big one or a small one?" at which point I gave up trying to fight the laughter and said I'd pop a brochure out in the post.

My boss, bless him, gave me a ten minute break to try and stop blushing.
( Hitler's Barber Soylent Green is high in saturated fat, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 13:24, Reply)

Innuendo at it's best...
Few years back my folks were helping me and mrs tinpixel decorate our new flat. My mum being my mum had brought a selection of about 300 meat sandwiches, so taking a lunch break we chatted about the new place.

Mrs tinpixel was busy moaning about the lack of blinds or drapes covering the huge living room window and how the neighbours can see in at night. As she spoke, the sandwich fell open and some of the meat went on the floor. Carrying on talking, she casually picked it up and threw it out the window... only it missed and stuck to the glass.

To which which my Dad pipes up...

"Oh my! What lovely beef curtains you have!"
(tinpixel, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 13:21, Reply)

My mum's austrian
Helping out some friends whilst cooking, having only just arrived in England, she didn't know how to say grating cheese.

Going back to school-time french, she then asked:

"Do you want me to rape the cheese?" in what I can only imagine was an Arnie-like accent. It was one of those moments where everyone just stopped talking and stared.


in french, to grate = raper (pronounced rappéh)
( morrybyte made a subtle namechange at, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 13:20, 2 replies)

Worst thing to possibly say to Stalker Girl...
We were examining my music collection one day, and I chose to play her a couple of tracks off one album to see if she liked them (I was trying to stop her listening to so much emo shit). She liked one track, so I suggested that I copy another similar one onto her pendrive.

Except I said "and if you like that I'll give you Head as well."

Stalker Girl dissolves in hysterics just as I realise what I've just said and who I've said it to.

She then added this to her quotes list on Facebook and refused to remove it, in spite of adding its context. I've blocked her now, so I have no idea if it's still there, but she insisted on bringing it up every time anyone mentioned music, so much so that I think she's actually convinced herself that I was offering her sexytime.
( Maladicta, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 13:20, 2 replies)

In a similar worked themed story...
I yesterday noticed the soles of my work shoes were coming off and flapping about. I duly invited a fellow colleague to look at my trampy shoes with the line:

"You really need to check out my flaps"

I mean, you really should - they certainly are a fine pair.
(thants, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 13:19, Reply)

pearost
but so worth it. Greatest personal ads ever written. Read the right hand column on here.
( I have run out of coke is a little sweaty, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 13:18, 1 reply)

On re-telling, I realise this doesn't sound likely...
...but I actually heard this with my very own ears.

A rather, shall we say 'robust', lady I used to work with was a keen gardener (you can see where this is going already, no?).

One day she didn't come into work. Her husband called in on her behalf to tell us that she couldn't make it because 'she's put her back out trimming her bush in the garden'
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 13:16, Reply)

Oooer missus....
The IT dept I worked in had just taken delivery of a consignment of new 19" CRT monitors.

When it came to the accounts department's turn to receive theirs and due to their upstairs location it was decided that instead of carrying them down to the other end of the building and up the main staircase that we would use the less-used back staircase.

Subsequently it was suggested that one of the guys from our team should take the Financial Controller's 19incher up the back passage. I think a whole nanosecond must have passed before everyone crack up laughing.
(Vauxhall Burgundy, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 13:15, Reply)

not really innuendo but....
sat in a pub with a bunch of mates whilst at uni discussing the size of something when my friend Becky says "what does 10 inches look like?"

I said nothing, sat back and unzipped my flies.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 13:15, Reply)

my roommate at work
is in love with the beautiful, but sadly 21 and very metrosexual IT boy.

he came in the other day and we were teasing him about his new girlfriend on facebook, as my roommate had been checking him out on there. we asked how they had got together, and he was telling us how he had known her for a while as a friend. THEN he said:

"i told her i'd only go out with her if she could persuade me to eat fish."

i fell off my chair laughing. it took the other two a while. am i that much grimmer than the norm?! b3ta, it's all your fault.


ps: freddy? woo! GREAT qotw, i shall enjoy this a lot.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 13:14, 1 reply)

oooh, another one...
1979 - The whole family (and two dogs) set off for 3 weeks of fun in sunny Ireland (prehaps the wrong adjective).

After a few days we found ourselves in Dublin whereup my father and I were despatched to the local toursit infomation office to try and find some pamphlets on the local flora and fauna for my mother.

Hence, dad marching up to the counter in this crowded tourist info place and asking the gentleman behind the counter; "Do you have any info on the local birds?" something of a conspiritorial look appears on the assistant's face, right up until dad qualifies his statement by saying; "its for my wife." "Ah!" countered the assistant, "So, you do mean the feathered kind."

Much hilarity was had by all.
(conanow, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 13:14, Reply)

In America, rubber means something different, apparently.
My cousin's family moved to the USA when he was fairly small, many many years ago. On his first day in class, he made a mistake with his pencil, and asked "Has anyone got a rubber?"

Cue hush, and irate female teacher saying "David, we do not say that kind of thing. What should you say?"

"Has anyone got a rubber, please?" was his bewildered reply.
( Amish Information Systems hates misplaced, commas, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 13:14, 1 reply)

You kind of have to say it aloud
Waiting in a pizza place one day, a muscular Germanic man came striding in, blond hair waving, and in a strident voice with a strong Terminator accent, demanded 'Vun Large Meat Lovers'. This has become a family phrase chez Flatfrog.
( flatfrog Staring vacantly into space, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 13:14, Reply)

Bindun?
Captain Innuendo! Thank god you've come!
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 13:13, Reply)

At The Doctors
.
My ex-wife came rushing out of the doctors office crying.

"What's wrong" I asked

"The doctor's a pervert" she sobbed "He said I had a lovely pussy"

So I rushed into his office and grabbed him by the throat.

"What's this about my wife having a lovely pussy?" I snarled

"I didn't say that" choked the doc "I said she had acute angina"..

Cheers

And I'm sorry but I had to GET IT IN before anyone else
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 13:13, 1 reply)

School
I had a friend at school whose surname was Amison. Obviously, this became "Anus" fairly quickly.

He had no objection to this. In fact, on more than one occasion, he'd introduced himself to strangers with the line, "Hello, my name's R - but you can call me 'Bottom'."
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 13:13, Reply)

Countryside frolics
OK. I’m the first to admit that I like nothing more than a good double-entendre. Thus, I never pass up the opportunity to get one in. In fact, I regularly go off on one, and often have to take a moment to get a hold of myself. I frequently have to take myself off in a little room in order to calm down. Tourette’s is also a serial innuendo-er – it’s one of the reasons I love her. Well, there are a couple of other reasons as well. But anyway.

There can be no greater love demonstrated, I think, than when a man is prepared to administer medical treatment in an intimate area. A few years back, myself and Tourettes took ourselves and our lunatic dog off to the countryside (Warkworth, to be precise). We took a picnic in a rucksack, a couple of bottles beer, and had a walk along the river. Spotting an overgrown bushy area, we decided to divert from the path and wander through the long, hairy grass and find a spot where I could unload my bulging sack. Tourette’s couldn't wait, and started helping herself to the contents with relish.

We were both quite thirsty by this time, and the bottles of beer were an inviting prospect. The bottles, naturally, required the use of a bottle opener because they were sealed by those crimped metal bottle caps. I reached down and cracked one off with ease, but somehow the second took a little longer. However, with a flick of the wrist and a sharp tug, it soon came away in my hand. We lay there for a bit, having the odd munch, and finished our beer.

This being the countryside of course, public toilets were short in supply. As a bloke, it doesn’t usually present a problem – it’s no great hardship to have to take yourself off behind a tree, but for the ladies it’s a bit more of a complex exercise. So I was sorted quite quickly, but it took a bit longer to locate the right spot for Tourette’s. Anyway, I was lying there, half dozing, when I heard a piercing cry. I looked up to see Tourette’s struggling a bit and jerking up and down slightly. She managed to find her composure, and came stomping through the grass. I asked her if anything was up, and she explained to me that she’d managed to lose her balance, and ended up sat in a bunch of stinging nettles.

Obviously I was sympathetic to her plight, but we didn’t have anything medical to hand.

“I’ve got some sting relief at home, that should sort it” she said, “but I can’t reach where it stings myself”.

“OK”, said I, ever the gallant gent. “Let’s head home, and I’ll spray your arse with cream”.

Happy days.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Thu 12 Jun 2008, 13:12, 11 replies)

Box.
I work in a home furnishing shop, and whilst unpacking the delivery one evening my colleague was unpacking vases. Noticing a strange odour from one batch, she shouted across the shop floor...

"Oi, thants, come over here and smell my box, it's rank!"

Sadly, I didn't decline the offer. It definitely was rank.
(thants, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 13:11, Reply)

It's another cat innuendo, I'm afraid...
This is true.

When I was a fresher, I lived in halls. A live-in tutor lived in a flat around the corner.

Our hall tutor was a PhD student. Her surname was A'Ness - which, in its own right, made us chuckle more than it ought. Now: there were two other things that are relavent about her. First, she had a cat. Second, she had auburn hair. (Come to think of it, those of you who were at university in 1995 probably know what she looked like: she was the model who'd been used for the Midland Bank's student account publicity shots.)

At some point in the year, our block got adopted by a local cat. We fed him a bit now and again, but it dawned on us that it probably wasn't wise to let him think that this was his home. So we picked him up, took him round to the tutor's flat, and knocked.
"Hi. Is this your cat? Only we know that you have one, and this guy's adopted us, and were wondering if he's yours."
She took one look at him. "Oh, no," she said. "That's not mine. My pussy's ginger."

*pause*

"Oh."
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 13:11, Reply)

edible bits
on an evening drive with my friends, we got a little peckish(bad munchies) and decided to stop at a garage for some snacks. we bought many a tasty treat, which we proceeded to share between ourselves. without thinking, i unwrapped some chocolatey, cakey goodness and asked "does anyone want a bite of my muffin?"
my mate laughed so hard, he almost crashed the car!
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 13:08, Reply)

Working at the office
with English colleagues and clients from Belgium.

The French speakers prefer to write "cubic meters per hour" as "c.u.m." wether the English prefer "m3/h". As I was working for the client, I decided to use c.u.m. until a colleague asked why I did that, instead of using m3/h. After a lot of arguing about it, I replied, without knowing what it meant:

"Ey, I like cum"

They did laugh a lot, the bastards.
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Thu 12 Jun 2008, 13:06, Reply)

Creamy goodness.
I used to work in a pub.
Whilst walking over to serve a group of lads, me asking if they were "all together or one at a time" was made worse by the fact that I was wiping coffee cream from the corner of my mouth.

They laughed, I blushed, they tipped me.
( wanderlust, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 13:06, Reply)

Saturn Uranus
Not accidental, but: we recently made a new educational resource on the Solar System. Sadly, my boss and I are about equally childish. For about a month and a half, we sat in the office giggling like five-year-olds with variants on 'I'm having trouble seeing the rings around Uranus'

Also, the other day, he said 'I only go into work because my wife makes me come'. Foolish, foolish man.
( flatfrog Staring vacantly into space, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 13:06, Reply)

Freudian Slip?
When doing my nurse training I was on General ward with the future Ex-Mrs Kite. I picked up some leaflets and was reaeding the titles aloud (out of boredom). "What is depression" "What is a Stroke" "what is Vagina...Oh I mean Angina".

Guess what I was thinking about...
(kitescreech still here, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 13:06, Reply)