The Best Erection through Bush Diving...
About ten years ago, I can remember going up't North and passing a van on the motorway with 'Best Erection' plastered over its sides in big white lettering... Ahh, how I chortled in my knitted cardigan.

Another good'un as of recent was a few weeks ago, when I was sat with my good friend Jackieline outside a cafe having a drink in the warm spring sun. I was talking about those who project themselves into and from assorted shrubbery whilst under the influence of the Demon Drink. As I had partook in said activity the previous evening, I regaled my amigo with the following quotation; "Ooh, I dived into a bush last night when I was pissed."

*Boom Tish*

Length? Well, that thorn I had was a big cunt, I tell you!
(Mr. Cunt put the indy in kindy., Thu 12 Jun 2008, 13:49, Reply)

Talking to a secretary at work when the phone rang
She answered it and with me still chatting away to her says down the phone, 'Hang on! I'm taking it from both ends!'
( Brandy_Bumwinkle, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 13:48, Reply)

Picture it
A group of mates sat around in the 6th Form Common Room, me and a mate decide we're going to walk to the petrol station to buy some sweets.

I say to another mate, "Adam, are you coming?", then realising what it sounds like add "..or is it just the way you're sitting?"

Much hilarity ensued.
( TY&GN, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 13:48, Reply)

Being an IT Techy opens you to allsorts of innuendos.
So I'm at a girls desk, and I'm swapping out her old clunky CRT screen for a nice new LCD monitor.

She was a lovely cute blonde lass, pretty chatty and playful. Shes there trying to adjust her new monitor into a position she likes, and was trying to lift it up higher. As you may know, a lot of them have a little button at the back, and she just couldnt figure it out.

"Dont worry! I'll get it up for you!"

hahah :) I'll leave it to your descresion if that was an accidental innuendo or not.

Anyway, later on that night, I did... in her bed :)



Last sentence might not be strictly true.
(Miggyman, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 13:48, 1 reply)

Scientists: deeply immature in reality (pt.3)
The four-stroke (fnaar) combustion engine:

SUCK, SQUEEZE, BANG, BLOW.

Fnaar.
(LongJohnBaldry, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 13:48, Reply)

Ordering a meal from a restaurant...
My good friend stepped up to the counter first and placed his order. Moving my tray along behind him the cashier turned to me immediately following and said

"Oh, are you two together?"

"No sweetheart," I replied, "it's just a casual thing" with a wink as her face reddened at realisation of what she said.
(jamesthegill opens new tabs with his scroll wheel, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 13:48, Reply)

One of my male colleague's
Upon asking me a question without fail will start it with "Just a quickie for you". And every time I will giggle like I'm a 12 yesr old schoolboy
(quagarr, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 13:48, Reply)

Another of Brian Johnston's efforts
Not actually accidental, as someone had written in to say:

I call my dog Trueman, because he has four short legs and his balls swing both ways.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 13:45, Reply)

On re-telling this sounds made up...
...but I was the one that heard it, cos I answered the phone.

A woman I worked with, who was rather, shall we say...'robust...was a keen gardener.

One Monday morning the phone on her desk rang.

I picked it up to be told by her husband that she 'can't come in today because she put her back out trimming her bush in the garden'.

I stifled my giggles until he added

'She was at it all weekend'
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 13:44, Reply)

Remember Brian Johnston's famous quote
when commentating on England v West Indies in the 80s?

"The bowler's Holding, the batsman's Willey".
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 13:42, 5 replies)

Not an innuendo per se, just very innapropriate...
I was working in a salesy call centre type place, when the senior sales manager asked me if i was going to 'Smash my target' this month.

In my head I said 'Yes mate! All over the place'.

In out-loud real life I said 'Yes mate! All over your face'

Only time I ever saw the smarmy git lost for words :)
(Reverend Samson Fapohunda B3tan, B3tan, B3tan, B3tan, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 13:41, 2 replies)

Sexy lecturer at university
After one class admits to being a chocoholic, so I said 'I'll put my twix in your pigeon hole later'.
( Brandy_Bumwinkle, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 13:40, Reply)

Scientists: not as mature as we once thought (pt.2)
Back in the day when I was but a wee undergrad (ok, not all that long ago), Bearded Whumpus and myself were sat in a maths lecture.

The lecturer is giving an example of how a Fourier transform works on rect functions - also known as "boxcar functions," due to their rectangular shape. Nothing funny about that, surely?

Well, then he puts a coefficient next to it - let's start arbitrarily with "A." That right, A rect.

There's now a tension that can be felt throughout the lecture theatre. A room heaving with over 150 people who are all fixed rigid in slavering anticipation of the same joke.

And of course, this is physics: it has to have real-world applications - "So let's apply this to the energy in a system."
Common symbol for energy, anyone?
E rect

The sniggers came in ripples...like a wave washing over the crowd.
(LongJohnBaldry, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 13:40, Reply)

I was at a gig one night
run by a rather strait-laced older woman, who wasn't known for her humour or extrovert behaviour.

However, her saving grace was that she used to supply the band (us) with sweets all night, which was nice. She also used to announce and talk through all of the dances.

So she was passing out sweets to us, and asking whether we preferred boilings or toffees or whatever, when she uttered the immortal line:

"I always like to suck a hard one - it keeps my mouth moist".

To this day I don't know whether she meant it or not, but she kept a good poker face on if she did.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 13:39, 4 replies)

FA Cup Final
Superb Colemanballs from this year's cup final:

"And Parry's been pulling off Sol Campbell time and time again."

Poor Sol, those rumours just won't go away.

Full 12-inch remix here. Any excuse.
( Scaryduck LIKES EGG, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 13:38, 1 reply)

Custom license plates
Over here it's quite a popular thing to get customized license plates for your car, so instead of saying something like WH-1369 it says something clever like 2KUL4U. Needless to say, they have to screen the plates so nothing offensive or obscene gets out there.

One elderly couple, Harriet and Donald, wanted to get plates that had the first three letters from each of their first names- HAR and DON- so they applied but were rejected on the grounds of obscenity when they put all the letters together...

(True story- it was in NY in the 1980s.)
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Thu 12 Jun 2008, 13:38, 6 replies)

One that immediately springs to mind...
...happened a few days ago on the checkout line. A female customer was unfamiliar with how to use her payment card and took the message "PIN OK" to mean "Pull your card out now before it's finished". After politely instructing her not to pull it out prematurely, she said without missing a beat, "No, that's the man's job isn't it?" I have never been so swiftly and completely pwned in all my days.
(keyboardman, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 13:38, Reply)

My younger son
came up to where his older brother and his friend Travis were hanging out and announced, "Hey Travis, guess what! Your mom gave me ten bucks to mow her lawn!"

Apparently he was just happy that he had made an easy ten dollars by doing a small amount of yard work, and couldn't understand why Travis went utterly mental...
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Thu 12 Jun 2008, 13:33, Reply)

Would you still do your ex-girlfriend?...
...asked on of my mates to another. Barrie pauses, thinks for a minute and innocently says...

"I'd fuck her, but I wouldn't want any comeback."

Took him about minute to realize why we were pissing ourselves laughing.
(tinpixel, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 13:32, Reply)

A local car dealers
In Stockton, often has Porsche, Ferraris, Maseratis, TVR etc up for sale and we often stop for a gawp.

Driving past a few years ago noticed they had a couple of hand-made British sportscars on display on the forecourt - so thought we'd have a look.

We're peering in through the windows like you do when a rather attractive, well-endowed young lady comes out of the showroom.

"Can I be of any assistance?" she asks

"Nah, it's OK" says my mate - "we're just admiring your beautiful Bristols"

I don't remember her reaction but my mate turned redder than a baboons arse and we left somewhat quicker than we arrived.

Funnily enough I've never seen any Bristols on the forecourt since.
(apollo36uk, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 13:31, Reply)

Insure your erection
Back in the day I used to work for an engineering insurance company.

We had various policies with lovely bold titles across the front and a picture of the item,

The best two were clearly:
1. Erection cover (with a picture of scaffolding)
2. Leaking nipple cover (with a picture of a vat)

And the people around me thought I was odd as every time I saw the documents or someone mentioned them I laughed... for the whole 9 months I was there.

No one else found it funny.
(Wooden meal is. Or is he?, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 13:31, Reply)

Also
Whilst we're on the subject of rape (and cheese), there is that cheap parmesan rip-off called rapesan here.

Always have to hide a smirk.
( morrybyte made a subtle namechange at, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 13:31, 1 reply)

Many years ago, when I was a bit ruder than I am today
I was in college, eighteen years old and full of smartass comments. (Some things never change, eh?) I was hanging out with my friend Dan, the proud owner of a 60's Chevy Nova, and he was telling of his frustrations in rebuilding its engine.

"...so I had to turn the crankshaft-"

What? You turned the shaft?

"-and I finally got the shaft into position-"

You had to get your shaft in position?

"-but the rod kept flopping around and I couldn't get it in the hole-"

The floppy rod wouldn't go into the hole?!?

"-and right about then Bruce Springsteen came on the radio-"

What?!? Bruce Springsteen came on your radio?!?

"-and he was singing 'Hungry Heart' and he got to the part where he was going 'uh uh oh oh uh oh ah oh' and I screamed 'Fuck you, Bruce!' and threw my wrench at the radio-"

By this point I was unable to speak.

I don't think Dan ever forgave me for that one.
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Thu 12 Jun 2008, 13:30, Reply)

I think b3ta is a bad influence on me.
I was reading the BBC's report on Big Brother 487 (or whatever we're on now) and read the following:

"Nudity - provided by a topless Rebecca jumping into the pool. Former contestants to have revealed flesh include BB1 winner Craig Phillips and Michelle Jubin, who stripped off to mow the lawn in BB5".
(bold bits emboldened by me)

I almost angry-dragoned the diet coke. Have I been here too long?
(happylittletulip helpless and delicious, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 13:30, 5 replies)

tempted to claim this as my own, but alas it's from Viz
"I've got to get Mrs Gimlet to Oldham and then I'm going to Bangor as fast as I can"
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 13:30, Reply)

Civil Service circle jerk
Back in my days as a Civil Service layabout, the dire news came through that the envelope-stuffing machine that was supposed to send out thousands of dole cheques to the low-life of our beautiful Thames Valley town had packed up.

And if the doleys didn't get their cheques, every single off licence in a ten mile radius would go to the wall, with riots, anarchy, dogs and cats living together, the whole nine yards.

We learned this from the matronly office manager - owner of a frightening basoom and a face like Nora Batty's arse - who made it clear that nobody could leave until the envelopes were manually stuffed and given over to the care of the Royal Mail.

Or, as she put it: "We're all going to sit in a big circle and have an enormous hand job"

I sat next to the luscious, pouting Judy, but alas, nothing came of it.
( Scaryduck LIKES EGG, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 13:28, Reply)

Couldn't Have Written it Better....
Not me but an FOF

Group of lads having a conversation about 'double entendre'in the office one lunchtime, when a young, female, blonde colleague arrives and says...

"I don't know what double entendre means. Can you fill me in?"
(mellotron never could get the hang of Thursdays, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 13:28, Reply)

I'll get this in before anyone else...
A girl I work with asked me what a double entendre was...

So I gave her one
(Pavlov's Frog figures no-one really reads sigs anyway, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 13:28, 2 replies)

One that springs to mind.
Years ago I used to be a kitchen porter. As I was ambling into the kitchen replacing the clean stuff one of the chefs was having a discussion with the matrodee about the bar. I had to run off laughing when he asked "How big are your kegs?".

Another time the head chef was trying to dish out a bollocking to the chefs for the state they left the place last night. It started with "Guess what I came into this morning" There were 3 replies simultaneously:
"A sock?"
"A butthole?"
"A tramps hair?"
( Slippery Mick ‏, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 13:27, Reply)