not so much an insult
The missus is a PE teacher, and has this year got a new autistic kid in the class who doesn't know where the boundaries are yet;

My missus; can you come over with the rest of the group please?
Autistic girl: I'd rather give head to a goldfish

My missus; would you like to play netball?
Autistic girl: I'd rather piss in the streets of london.

Bless her.
(flamangathon is not local, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 21:01, Reply)

The b3ta influence...
I went to a gig last night, and having decided that the band playing weren't worth my time, I'd been forced outside with all the other cool kids. Now, I'm what you'd call a "social smoker", but I'm still pissed with this ban bollocks, particularly as the venue in question had deigned to give all smokers an old raffle ticket to get back into the venue. I chose to describe the situation as a "nonsensical pile of fucking cunty-wank", which caused at least 2 people to turn 'round in disgust/pride in my colourful language. Good old b3ta.
( <somethingfunny> hasn't said anything funny since, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 20:55, Reply)

The "F word"
My mother teaches some special needs children. One day, one boy came crying to her than another boy had called him the "F word". Obviously she knew what word that was, but for some reason asked him to write it down. He did so and moments later she picked up the piece of paper which read:

"He called me fick"
(Cuthbert Annihilator, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 20:49, Reply)

Cocksucker
A favourite of mine is as follows:

Go suck a cock, you cock sucking cocksucker!

Can also be replaced with arse licking or whichever set of words you find pleasing enough to replace 'suck' and 'cock'.

Another favourite is, and this is purely for shock and disgust value:

You have as much appeal as the bucket at an abortion clinic.

That one is for when i'm REALLY fucked off!
( sausagesucker just paid £5.00 for a cup of Tea!, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 20:48, Reply)

Powerboating
Thought id post a story, all the one-liners are getting a teeny bit dull.

August 2003, BoShalake is 14 and is in Scotland on a cadet Powerboating course, met a nice lass up there called Danielle, and one day when powerboating under the Forth bridges (ace experiance i might add) I was gloating about my hooking up with said nice lass (as it wasnt all that common for me at the time).

Instructor on the boat says to me:
"Don't bullshit, a bullshitter. Your not old enough, your not smart enough and your not good looking enough."

I could have simply laughed it off, however, i decided to gamble and replied with "Fuck off." not a brilliant insult i know but for 14 y/o to be swearing to an adult was a first for me, and I was all beaming with pride at what i thought was my quick and witty reply... Was subsequently told to hand over the wheel. Bugger. Still, got a level 2 powerboating qual that week though.

Apologies for lack of the laughs, however the instructors speech will forever remain with me and will be used against idiotic twunts forever more.

A one-liner you say? Oh go on then.
Your mamma's soooo fat.....

Bah, not worth it.
(boshalake attempted to be sober on, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 20:48, Reply)

kids can be so cruel
They say that being at school is the happiest time of your life. Well, was I the lucky one. Not only was I in the same year as expectant robbers, rapists and killers, but they all were all fucking comedians to boot.

So there I was waiting patiently outside the P.E. changing rooms, with about two hundred and fifty other kids in my year. My "friend" comes over and says to me "I tried to phone you last night, but it said you had been disconnected."

"Shit!" thinks I. I then have to explain how my brother has run up a two thousand pound phone bill having spent the past three months up all night fwapping away on premium rate porn chat calls, and hiding subsequent demands from the British Telecom.

"Ha ha!" says my friend. "I know what we should call you." It's no secret, but I could hardly contain myself with anticipation.

"BUSBY" - the cunty fuck 'then' mascot of British telecom (hey, it was the eighties).

Well, in seconds the story spreads quicker than the rage virus. I'm literally surrounded by a few hundered thugs, jostling me about and all the while chanting "buzz-be! buzz-be" over and over again like some moronic mantra.

Well, retaliation was the only way to nip this in the bud. So, I did what anyone my age would have done.

I burst into tears, and went home with a mysterious stomach bug. Took me a good week to recover from that one.

Still, great days.

To be fair, it was a shit insult but since that incident I have remained to this day emotionally damaged. The mere hint of Big Bird from Sesame Street fills me with impotent rage and panic.

Click *I like this* if you think I have a whopping huge penis. (does this ever work?)
(plant rolls out of bed like a fat wobbly tub of lard, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 20:45, Reply)

Not my own...
.. but the best insult I ever heard, had me in stitches. It's from the sitcom "Bottom":

"I know all this already, you vast poisoned intergalactic buttock from Sainsbury's!"

I still haven't found the right opportunity to use it on anyone though. The time will come.
(EuroSong I love horse meat: best of all the animals, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 20:39, Reply)

This was used round my old student house:
Twathorse
(Bramo plotting to take over the world since, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 20:34, Reply)

The mighty Partridge...
I spent much of college calling people 'dalendless shids'.
( Angry Boss Bee I love horses, death to other animals, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 20:27, Reply)

"No flies on me" he said...
"Surprising, considering you're a big sack of shit" I returned.
(Give me the cheese you cocksucker No board sig in protest., Thu 4 Oct 2007, 20:24, Reply)

Grockle
Used around Portland and Weymouth where I live -a local term that we all say describes a holidaymaker.
What it really describes is a certain type of holiday maker - ie - the ones that get their holiday for a pound out of the Sun "newspaper". They then come to weymouth determined to spend nothing, probably even using the bed linen from the caravan as rudimentary clothing.
Most have come from "up north" and are determined to steal sticks of rock for family back home, walk 5 berth along the street so no-one can get past, shout at their kids for miss-behaving but not being able to do anything for the fag in one hand and pint in the other, generally being the scum of the earth they are and then saying how nice it is and how they want to move here.... atleast there is one upside to high house prices.
( SiX and his hat, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 20:23, Reply)

You, my old bean...
Have the sort of face only a mother could stab.
(Give me the cheese you cocksucker No board sig in protest., Thu 4 Oct 2007, 20:23, Reply)

Here's a shiny pound...
Now fuck off.

(Works well in most situations)
(Give me the cheese you cocksucker No board sig in protest., Thu 4 Oct 2007, 20:22, Reply)

Mr Steve
I share your sentiment, well put.
www.b3ta.com/questions/insults/post92189/

*Edit: Not about your Ex wife obviously, although she sounds as bad as mine.
( lugnut, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 20:21, Reply)

fuck off shitcunt!
is a quote from a friend.

I prefer

Fucknuckle
(Juan Sanchez Villa-Lobos Ramirez is seriously considering a shorter username, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 20:19, Reply)

Posh
Not my favourite insult but some poor boy who went to the local posh school had strolled into our path when one guy behind us starting calling him.
The posh kid turned around and said in the most well spoken voice i have ever heard:
"CUNT."

Imagine? :] Still makes me laugh haha.
(I've got the clap has some cool sentence here, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 20:19, Reply)

Your Dad's a Morris Dancer!
Was making small talk with someone I vaguely recognised in a pub on Friday night, when it finally hit me that his dad & my dad were Morris Men in the same side back when we were too young to know better.
So, I yelled at him "Your Dad's a Morris Dancer!". Everyone thought I was insulting him. Does that even count?

*Gets coat*
( Whodathunkit, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 20:16, Reply)

A favourite of mine from red dwarf
"Stop your foul whining you matted tuft of rectal pubic hair" always makes me grin.
(Just Some Guy Is just some guy., Thu 4 Oct 2007, 20:07, Reply)

...
sheep shagging inbred

or

duck fucker
(lei, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 20:04, Reply)

from Bill Hicks
You should have been a blowjob!
(housetits is channelling Natalie Cassidy - then, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 20:02, Reply)

Car Park.
Pulling out of a car park a few years back.

It was a hot summers day and both windows were down. I was with my bro in my works van.
I was reversing out of a space and as vision is quite limited I was concentrating on the door mirrors hard.
I reversed out without incident, put it into first, lifted the clutch a little and looked up to see Chavvy McChav and her (presumably)bastard offspring crossing right in front of me(about 2 feet).
I was ROLLING forward so hit the brake and let her go.
The look she gave us was as if we had just pissed in her dinner. As if WE were not meant to be there.
At the exact same moment me and my bro registered the look on her face and we both replied in perfect stereo at exactly the same time,"Oh go and FUCK off".
Her jaw went slacker than a Madeline Mcann joke.
Her look of disgust turned to instant horror.

We went home had a smoke and laughed about it.

Not really that original. Just a priceless piece of timing
(never-right -getting it wrong since '78, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 20:02, Reply)

historical fiction
From one of the "Flashman" novels: "You can fart in a bottle, and paint it blue."

I wouldn't use it myself, but it has a certain charm.
(Bear Pookie The Frankly Challenged. Halloween is coming to town., Thu 4 Oct 2007, 19:54, Reply)

I remember on /talk before, somebody was talking about how he'd tried to pull this girl and got turned away
and Druid replied "I didn't realise the Thai brides could fuck you off" which made me wee.

Last night my short friend was being patronised and got a bit flustered, so I said to her "Why are you grumpy?" and she said "Because of the height jokes!" and I replied to her "No, it's because you're not happy, sneezy, sleepy..."

At which she pinched me! And it hurt.
( Reid got it going on like Donkey Kong, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 19:53, Reply)

Shitwanking
titmonkey's dogsucker.

This sort of thing may get old very soon...
( Invisible Wizard - 10th Level Nerf-herder, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 19:49, Reply)

Well...
your mum's so fat that when i fuck her i have to have a rescue team and a group of deep sea divers on standby.
(Snailfighter Mk VIII MASTER of the bits underneath the ledges on fences, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 19:48, Reply)

got shouted at in a supermarket carpark once:
"Away an stick a ticket in a helicopter!"

No idea to this day
( Bamboo Steamer, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 19:43, Reply)

My evil boss
managed to piss me off today by being an absolute cuntbitch at the worst possible time.

When asked by a colleague why I was looking particularly hacked off, the following sentence came out of my mouth, of which I'm strangely proud:

'That woman has the all charm, physique & tact of a particularly flatulent, mentally retarded hippopotamus that's been hit in the face with a frying pan'.

Still not sure where that came from...
( Sylia Stingray is pilfering the biscuits on, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 19:37, Reply)

Cockwife
Classic playground insults I can remember include:

"At least my mum hasn't got a tail"
"Terry Nutkins has got one finger missing. Do you know why? Because it's up your arse."
"You done a let-off."
"Spam spam spastic spam."

But my favourite remains "cockwife". It needs to catch on, it's so perfect. Does your wife have a cock? Are you the "wife" of another man's cock? It gives so much.
(budddwyer This thing will hurt someone, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 19:36, Reply)

My current favourites at the moment are
'I don't belive it. 250,000 sperm and you were the fastest one'

also
(nothing special)
'You really are a stupid cunt aren't you?'

Finally, this one is going around the school at the moment. You walk up to any random person and say

'Fair play, you're an ugly bastard'

And walk off.
(DanS like you've never DanSed before!, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 19:35, Reply)

Football frustration
My and a mate were watching an England game (the one where Robinson the goalkeeper made an arse of a Neville passback). As the ball trickled into the England net, said mate leaps out of his seat and screamed 'you stupid fuckpiglet' at the TV. This phrase is now part of our regular vocabulary.

And pop goes the cherry!
(archieg, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 19:34, Reply)