Pub bouncers
Normally the suggestion of going to a Wetherspoons pub fills me with dread but after 6 hours drinking comercial grade lager in Leeds I was up for anything,

Upon arriving at the aforesaid establishment (Stick or Twist at the back of the Merrion Centre) the only seats available (by this point verticality was a real challenge) were in the non-smoking area. Not-to-worry we thought, only 4 of us smoke, and we can at least see if we can sup a pint without a smoke for once!

So off we troop from the bar to sit down. Within 3 minutes the cubic doorman appeared and said "I'm sorry lads, I am going to have to ask you to leave".

Cue stunned silence followed by a "why?"

"'cos this is a non smoking area"

*looks round to see who had sparked up*

"But none of us are smoking" says I

He just pointed to my packet of snouts and said "but you might" before reaching out to 'encourage' me to leave.

Luckily I had the presence of mind to hurl myself backwards over two tables sending drinks flying and attract the attentions of the manageress who promptly came and sacked him on the spot, called the police and gave us £50 worth of Wetherspoon vouchers for our 'trouble'

When my mate (who was by now trying to chat up the manageress) said "Actually I don't think the bouncer touched him" she replied "SO! I've been looking for an excuse to fire the little jobsworth c**t!"

PS - I'm sorry but I am not apologising for length
( mns 2️⃣2️⃣9️⃣0️⃣7️⃣, Thu 12 May 2005, 21:30, Reply)