Made me laugh...

comicbook.com/blog/2012/12/12/star-wars-death-star-petition-close-to-reaching-signature-goal/
(Mr Twisty Cheeky The worst kept secret in B3ta..., Thu 13 Dec 2012, 11:48, Reply)

We've been having a bunch of laughs in the office this morning
I have the same first name as an actor famous for starring in a recently-revived British sci-fi sitcom, who just happens to be sitting at the desk next to me. So when someone called for me to ask for help in sending an email, he turned around and when someone called for him to ask him about his TV shows I turned around. A veritable comedy of errors :)
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Thu 13 Dec 2012, 11:14, 25 replies)

I didn't want the question to be closed early so held off on posting this show-stopper until now.
Here's the QOTW thread that gives and gives.
( Pig Bodine., Thu 13 Dec 2012, 11:04, 7 replies)

A woman goes to the doctor complaining of abdominal pains
the doctor examines her, then asks her to take her seat.
"What is it, doctor?", she asks, "Is something wrong?"
"Let me put it this way", say the doctor, "How are you at changing nappies?"
"You mean..", beams the woman," ...you mean..I'm going to have a baby?"
"No, you've got bowel cancer"
( cumquat may will not be commenting further on the allegations, Thu 13 Dec 2012, 10:32, Reply)

172nd!
EAT IT!
(Paolo Nutini's Bikini Better than Frederick Fleet's optometrist, Thu 13 Dec 2012, 10:22, Reply)

Well it wasn't QOTW, that's for sure

(quintsy, Thu 13 Dec 2012, 10:08, 1 reply)

last night i was involved with a facebook thread
nothing intrisically amusing about that.

however, the subject we were commenting on was 'did we land on the moon? i call bullshit'

yes. one of my 'friends' had been convinced by a channel 5 'documentary' about the moon landings being a hoax.

after a fairly long and indepth discussion - during which i decided we also needed to discuss creationism and intelligent design, one of the proponents friends also piped up, expressing her disbelief that man had set foot upon the lunar surface.

she is a geography teacher.

i had to laugh. what else can you do. you cant convince someone to accept 40 years of science fact when they also think that made in chelsea and the only way is essex are factual representations of life in west london and the commuter belt.

jade, your spirit lives.
(magictorch, Thu 13 Dec 2012, 10:05, 3 replies)

This really was a random interwebs find - but it goes so well here
One of the girls in the office was laughing at a confession website at this confession:

“In the past year I've dated 4 men from OK Cupid who couldn't get an erection. #badsex”

Here is the horse free link for the non-believers: confessions.nerve.com/confessions/view/146105#comments

I then realized when the QOTW Trolls talk about OK Cupid and the accounts they DON'T have on it, that they are not being truthful and clearly it is the on-line dating site preferred by B3TA trolls. and their flacid members to seek out their fat future wives.

This made me laugh.
(bad_advice QOTW survivor from the first trollocost!, Thu 13 Dec 2012, 5:37, 6 replies)

i dun a trump lol

( mike woz ere 7442200 & 7696970 getter, Thu 13 Dec 2012, 0:01, Reply)

An old couple in the pub I'm in have just been reminiscing
about watching Gershwin's Adventures of Rin Tin Tin.
(Paolo Nutini's Bikini Better than Frederick Fleet's optometrist, Wed 12 Dec 2012, 18:50, 1 reply)

If only there was some code to let you know I'd posted this before...



We nearly got "Nigella's Hairy Fanny" on the next line, too!

Just remembered a line on Time Team "...Meanwhile, all the action is happening in Carenza's bushy trench..."
(moon monkey is busy making memories worth repressing, Wed 12 Dec 2012, 17:05, 1 reply)

In which Mr Fluffles expects sympathy and gets laughed at instead
Mr Fluffles was recently on a 10-hour flight from Dallas to London. He was just getting settled and preparing for a nice long nap when the man who would be in the adjacent seat for the next 10 hours sat down, tapped him on the shoulder and asked, "Have you heard the good news about Jesus?"

Did I mention it was a 10-hour flight?

Mwahahahahaha!!!!
(grandmasterfluffles Come to my Armageddon party on, Wed 12 Dec 2012, 17:03, 7 replies)

Idiot IT users
Not 3 minutes ago I just had this chat conversation with the onsite IT contact at our client:

Onsite IT: Hi
GL: hi
IT: [user name removed to protect the guilty] can't get into [some in-house system], says his password is wrong, I have reset to [default password], all works fine from my PC but now says on his he does not have permissions... any ideas? Have you seen this before?
GL:Only if he's mistyping the pwd - Caps lock possibly?
IT: hmm good point, might nip rouond and see him...

10 minutes later...

IT: aways good to visit! he just thought the system knew his password and was not typing it!

Sweet Jesus!
(GoodLord doesn't have time for sigs., Wed 12 Dec 2012, 16:38, 1 reply)

If we're posting funny pictures....

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 12 Dec 2012, 16:23, 7 replies)

Is this something which is really worth celebrating?
I like to think that the designer set it out this way in the hope that this error would occur.


( Muns, Wed 12 Dec 2012, 16:19, 3 replies)

Who says the French aren't funny?
When I was about 11 or 12, I went on holiday to France with my family. We were sitting outside a bistro, having our croissants and hot chocolate in a bowl, and it was all very exciting.

On the table next to us was a man, maybe in his 60s, with his very glamorous French wife. She had enormous hair, a fur coat, long painted nails, lots of perfume. She was a bit like a chubby Cruella De Vil. On her knee she was cradling a very small, very smug-looking pekingese dog, who also sported bouffant hair and long nails.

The lady said something to her husband, and passed him the dog. he stroked the dog's head for a bit, then looked up and noticed me and my sister watching him. So he made a comedy angry face, and mimed strangling its neck. This made me and my sister laugh, so he picked up an ashtray and pretended to beat it over the head, all the time maintaining an expression of crazed fury. We laughed even more, so he put the dog on the floor, and pretended to kick it repeatedly up its tiny arse. Unfortunately in his enthusiasm for entertaining me and my sister, he hadn't noticed that his wife had now returned from the bathroom, to witness him attacking her most loved possession. The scene reached a crescendo with the wife screaming at her husband and thwacking him over the head with his copy of Le Monde as he muttered his froggy apologies. Possibly my happiest moment.
( browser still relating boring anecdotes into a void on, Wed 12 Dec 2012, 13:53, 11 replies)

letters to the editor
now, i know some of these are written by people who have genuine concerns, but some are clearly written by utter wackjobs. some recent favourites have been:
remember the true meaning of christmas, which is, of course, don't buy pate de foie gras.
it's important to keep children at the right temperature, so fit all cars with time-controlled thermostas.
offensive graffitti is art, leave it alone.
and the list goes on. my 2 current favourites, however, are both examples of grumpy old men. the first one was from a bloke who claimed that, as he didn't like christmas, the council was purposely offending him by putting up decorations in the high street. he claimed that taxpayer's money should instead be spent on installing french-style dog toilets on every street. he also wished council bosses a horrible christmas.
the second was from a man who'd bought a house next door to a busy secondary school. he was very annoyed when, after a week of living there, the headmaster of the school wouldn't force the children to enter and exit the school in silence, so as not to disturb this man. his solution to this was to punish the children and fire the headmaster, rather than to think more carefully in future about exactly where he was choosing to live.
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Wed 12 Dec 2012, 13:47, 4 replies)

Airport Story

Back from a business trip, stopped in at the airport WC to relieve myself. It was nearly deserted, just one other bloke at the nearest urinal. Obeying the Law of Maximum Distance, I took the one furthest away and had started in when a cheery voice rang out from the other chap, "Hiiii there -- how are YOU?" No, no no -- I froze. Glanced over quickly and saw that he was just looking down, so I pretended not to hear. "So... how was YOUR day?" No, no, NO NO -- glanced over again, and he is still looking down while speaking. Pause. Is he mad? Having a conversation with his equipment? Expecting me to answer? "That's wonderful -- it sounds like you had a LOT of fun!!" At this point I am convinced that he is insane and attempting to converse with his own man-parts. "Daddy loves you!!" I hurry up and finish, and I leave. Glancing back, I noticed what I hadn't seen before -- he had a wireless earpiece in his ear, and had been having a phone conversation with someone else while relieving himself, most likely with one of his children. Made me laugh all the way home and resolve to never use my own wireless phone while attending to my own biological necessities in public.
(Roving Blowtorch, Wed 12 Dec 2012, 11:53, 9 replies)

Fanny is popular in Brazil


("moda feminina" means "female fashion")
(moon monkey is busy making memories worth repressing, Wed 12 Dec 2012, 11:18, 11 replies)

What really makes me laugh is
watching humans' pathetic attempts to deal with comprehending the ultimate futility of existence.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 12 Dec 2012, 8:23, 10 replies)

Porrigewogs
I've just been in a Kebab Shop and they asked a scotsman if he wanted salad.
(Docofair, Wed 12 Dec 2012, 1:09, 19 replies)

This morning...
at approximately 4 o'clock, My mrs woke me because my car alarm was going off..
dressing gown and slippers on I ventured into the cold,
My car alarm was indeed going off, but so was my horn... constantly..
I checked my passenger door (closest to me) to find it unlocked and I was met with the strongest Beery smell i've ever sniffed...

It was coming from the little scrote who had fallen asleep against my steering wheel, hence the horn!

Hindsight says i should've left him and called the police, instead i woke him with a "What the fuck are you doing in my car"
he dived out of the drivers side asking me if I'd "phoned an ambulance"
I told him that I was about to call the police and he staggered off up the road..

tired, cold and confused I thought to myself, I'll sort this in the morning..

Turns out the fucker had tired himself out by ripping my steering column apart, and severing every wire he could, in a shitty pissed up hotwiring attempt..

I'll laugh about this one day.. (but not until i've paid £600 excess and lost 2 years no claims that is... not til then!)
( DanGleeballs Moist people don't notice spelling errors..., Tue 11 Dec 2012, 18:49, 22 replies)

The view from my "Easy Hotel" room in old street
Basic I understand...but this was fucking funny:

( DinivanX Has stinging piss after drinking Pact Coffee, Tue 11 Dec 2012, 15:58, 2 replies)

she's at it again
my mother has just asked me in all seriousness if stags's skulls drop off with their antlers and if they regrew their skulls.
i'm amused and worried for my future mental wellbeing in equal measures.
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Tue 11 Dec 2012, 13:20, 4 replies)

Someone posted a link to this on /ot yesterday:
metro.co.uk/2012/12/10/from-ugliest-building-to-most-depressing-view-the-shit-london-awards-2012-winners-are-revealed-3309608/gentrify/

It made me laugh.

True story. Nuff said.


Cheers.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 11 Dec 2012, 12:20, 7 replies)

Sign on a cable car in Lisbon:
"The use of the Telecabine is forbidden to persons who are notoriously drunk or appear to have a psychic anomaly"
(moon monkey is busy making memories worth repressing, Tue 11 Dec 2012, 12:11, Reply)

Seen on a cesspit tanker yesterday
'No stools are left in this vehicle overnight'
(Captain Placid 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn, Tue 11 Dec 2012, 11:21, 1 reply)

Jimmy Savile
with his silly white hair, daft tracksuit and that big cigar always hanging out of his mouth.
(TheManWithThePlan cussed your mum on, Tue 11 Dec 2012, 10:25, 2 replies)

watching a movie last night
"But that's a priceless Steinway!"
"Neurt any more."
( writerblock ... embedding disabled by request on, Tue 11 Dec 2012, 10:15, Reply)

Photo taken whilst driving to work a few months ago.
enough, I feel, said.


( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Tue 11 Dec 2012, 10:03, 6 replies)