Dead by dawn...
When I was just finishing my edumacation, me and my GF at the time decided to go for a semi-romantic shag-weekend at a deserted cabin in the woods not far from where we lived. (I'd been there before with a few mates, but that was another story).

Anyway, we went, and found this weird book and tape recorder that some old guy had apparently left when he was in the cabin for some reason. he'd found the book on an archaeological dig or something. Anyway, we played the tape that was in, and it was the old guy reciting weird incantations which, it seems, he'd translated from the book.

The tape's playing, and it's all getting a mite spooky, when this couple of posh types turn up, claiming to be relatives of the old bloke on the tape or something, and they've found more pages from the book. Fucking weird, we reckon, but as long as they didn't mind us 'using' their shack for violently intrusive sexual acts, we weren't right fussed. I was a bit pissed, but somewhere along the line, the mrs turns out to be possessed by the evil released when the incantations tape (not the Mike Oldfield album, before you ask) was played. And this weird local type turns up with his mrs who was called Bobby-Joe (how we laughed!) and they go a bit mental.

So, things get gradually more and more fucked up, as this evil shit basically takes out everyone apart from me and the old bloke's daughter (who was well worth a fuck - bit of a touch that the mrs had already copped it). I wander down to the basement cos the foxy daughter wants me to get a couple of pages from the book that the silly bint's dropped down there. So I go. And get attacked by fit burd's undead mother. What a cunt she was. Talk about meet the fucking parents. Anyway, all goes ok-ish, in the end, apart from the bit where someone draws on my hand with biro, and cos I've gone a wee bit mental with still not getting to pork the teasing bitch, I cut my hand off with a chainsaw. Which I reckon makes me pretty fucking cool. Fuckin' A. Believe.

Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, I got those pages from the basement, and old bloke's daughter is fucking well impressed. She's just about to submit to my demands of filthy bumsex when she comes out with all this shit about having to quickly recite some incantations to get rid of the evil or whatever, so I'm like, "yeah, whatever" and playing a bit of pocket billiards to get myself nice and hard for her, right, and just as I'm getting ready to spear her roughly up the arse...

Right, you'll never see this coming, right.

Seriously...

She fucking DIES. And THEN, as if missing out on top shit upper-class bum-crumpet wasn't enough, right? Right. The fucking ICING on the cunting cake, right? The incantations she utters with her dying breaths, which should have been used to gasp my name in the throws of fucking exctasy, right? She only fucking opens a portal back to the 13th fucking century and I get sucked back in time to there. Right? I mean, seriously. What a cunt.

I'm a reasonable bloke. She could have just said she had the shits or something.

Bloody lesbian.
( Tone Depear fucking rocks, Sat 22 Apr 2006, 3:54, Reply)