aunty beeb
I have this vague memory that back when I was around five years old and off school, BBC1 showed a film in the early afternoon around 2.30pm that featured some rhumpous-pumpous (probably very innocent?) but it was far more interesting than Gran*.





*The program, not my actual Gran! - a bit like postman Pat or Bertha but the theme song went:
Hello Gran how are you?
How d'you feel today?
I just popped round to see if I could be of help anyway
You really are the most
I'm sure that I could boast
You really are the most suprising Gran.
(cherry B, Fri 26 Jan 2007, 9:37, Reply)

QUOTE:
"a man with an increadibly small cock (you've no idea how good that made me feel at the age of 14)"

which does raise the question - why do male porn stars have big nobs. It's not like Ron Jeremy is there for ladies to look at.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Fri 26 Jan 2007, 9:14, Reply)

Repressed....
Sex as a subject was a taboo in my home while I was a lad. We never even had 'the talk' or aknowledged that people did that sort of thing.
My earliest experiences were sneaking into my brother's room to snoop for stuff, he was 3 years my senior. I must've been around 9. It started at first with WH smith scrap books with cutouts from newspapers and magazines, strictly clothed stuff.
Then came the tape, this genius idea of his. Watching movies and TV shows and recording all the 'rude scenes' onto this collage of a video tape (long play too). It had everything from Tom Cruise and Kelly McGillis gettin' it on in Top Gun, to Sharon Stone's bits in basic instinct, to rough looking naked people from the word and eurotrash.
I spent hours when he wasn't home, looking for my favorite bits. *ahem*

For the record too, I never thought I'd say this, but I'm with Frankspencer, A softly lit, tasteful image always wins. I'd much rather see someone looking seductive and mysterious than having 'all holes stuffed'
(The Cosmic Fool Became aware that the bird is indeed the word on, Fri 26 Jan 2007, 9:06, Reply)

My mate
found one of his Dad's porn flicks, so one afternoon, we thought we'd skip double maths and go back to his place to watch "Pizza Girls". A bizarre tale of pizza delivery girls who like to give 'extra toppings', a man with an increadibly small cock (you've no idea how good that made me feel at the age of 14) and a bloke who likes to dress up as a chicken.

Anyways, as sod's law would have it, Chris's Dad's Ford Mondeo rolls up in the driveway and judging by Chris's reaction, this was unexpected. So out pops the video and we both leg it upstairs and head up to the loft.

Ever tried running up the stairs and up a ladder with an erection? It's not too comfortable, I can tell you.

His old man heard the noise and called him down. Thankfully, he never knew about the porn vid and never knew I was also hiding up there absolutely shitting myself. Heard Chris get a right bollocking from the old cnut, which turned my fear into muffled laughter and once they'd both left the house, I shuffled downstairs and walked back to school feeling very pleased with myself.

Porn + danger / fear + laughter = a fuck sight better than double maths.
(Mozchops ... just not in the face, Fri 26 Jan 2007, 8:55, Reply)

Prisoner Cell Block H
Lesbians!
( Beve The Spaniard broke off his horse's head, Fri 26 Jan 2007, 8:50, Reply)

10 Years Old
I was on holiday with my dad in the US and we stayed in a hotel one night. Dad was in the bathroom and so I turned the telly on and clicked through the channels, looking for the latest smurfs show. Last thing I expected was to suddenly see a woman frantically fingering herself whilst getting a face full of spluff - but that's what I saw. It was quite difficult to not watch and it was actually really good, but all the while I was panicking in case my dad suddenly walked into the room! Eventually got into such a panic about it that I was sick. The filthy action was good though and set me up nicely for later life as a porn movie afficionado. Oddly enough, I have also developed a taste for sex in public places. And vomiting.
( Normanator Bad case of trapped wind since, Fri 26 Jan 2007, 8:13, Reply)

I have recently found myself
doing the sad thing of looking on the net for pictures of a particular porn model. Sadly I seem to have found them all.

If anyone happens to know a chubby English woman called Gemma who would be in her early 30s, can you please message me.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Fri 26 Jan 2007, 7:32, Reply)

I found some porn mags
while looking under some hot lesbian teens.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Fri 26 Jan 2007, 7:29, Reply)

my brother
as a joke, bought me a 'foot fetish' magazine for my birthday.

The strangest thing about it was that it was x-rated and bought from a sex shop, but had almost no nudity in it. I think there was one topless woman.

And it had foot-fetish versions of lame porn captions: "Carol was feeling hot after a day's cheerleading...so she took her shoes off" and so on.

As my friend asked, 'why wouldn't you just go to the beach?'. But I guess it has to be presented as sexual for it to be sexy or something.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Fri 26 Jan 2007, 7:27, Reply)

re: pocked-sized 'Joy of Sex'

erm...you can hold it with one hand.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Fri 26 Jan 2007, 7:05, Reply)

Electric Blue
Classic 80's tits and ass stuff, this was found in the coalhouse whilst looking for my football boots one Sunday morning.

Seems my stepdad loved a bit of porn, as confirmed by the newsagent I did a paper round for:

"Oh aye, he's in here every month. Likes Club for some reason."

As the years passed, so did I.

I felt I had some eternal connection with him when I bought my first jazz mag, it being Club too. There's nothing like following in the family tradition.
(scentless_apprentice takes two bottles into the shower!, Fri 26 Jan 2007, 6:58, Reply)

Still makes me wonder
Older brother (bit of a perve) had a copy of the classic The Joy of Sex as well as a much more graphic seventies American sex manual. The latter regularly went missing. However something that still bemuses me is that this edition of The Joy of Sex was a 'pocket' edition. I still struggle to think of a a situation of when you might require a pocket sized copy of such an item.
(Euan Oos-army Josh, dad's found your scooter!, Fri 26 Jan 2007, 6:29, Reply)

It was a long time ago now...
Was one of two.
First one I remember is from the good ol' Sun newspaper. They were running a page 3 of the year type compo, so I had borrowed that page from the paper, featuring 20 or so pairs of boobies, and folded it up about 5 times, to hide it in a card game box in my bedroom. It got found, and I got a nice akward chat with my parents.

The other might have been my dads copy of Ronnie Barkers 'Gentlemens Relish', featuring some very bizarre images of ladies with no tops on and victorian style dresses, or completely naked, with the most hairy lady bits I have ever seen. I spent many a time hiding that under my jumper to go to the 'toilet'.
(jimmy_stavros, Fri 26 Jan 2007, 6:19, Reply)

The Great Porn Heist
This story involves the same Chris from my last story. He was much bigger and stronger than me, but I was the smart one and I took great delight in manipulating him. He was my porn hookup, too. Back then I was pretty terrified of all these feelings. We were 13 and didn't quite understand things yet.

Chris had a porn magazine he'd let me look at whenenver I came over, so I went there pretty often. One time I got the idea to steal the magazine. When he was upstairs I took it out of its hiding spot and slipped it into my bag.

The next day Chris ran up to me in class. "You stole my porn magazine, didn't you?" I played completely innocent and denied it. I suggested maybe he left it out and his dad found it. He was angry, but accepted my excuse as theory.

I think a few months later, feeling guilty about these awful things the magazine made me feel, I threw it out, along with some vintage '60s Playboy magazines my uncle had left at my grandmother's place.

Anyway, Chris found some other seedy teenager willing to sell porn, and he started to build up quite a collection. One day, he left his magazines out on his desk when he went to school. When he got home, the magazines had disappeared. He found them in his dad's closet. It seems his dad found them and decided to confiscate them from his son, but let them not go to waste--he added them to his own collection. When I heard this story, I asked Chris, "Do you remember the time you accused me of stealing a porn magazine from you? Was that one in there?" His face fell and he said "Yes."

So I got away with it. The perfect crime! Aside from the fact the magazines always made me feel dirty and I disposed of them.
(racetraitor has an alibi for, Fri 26 Jan 2007, 5:53, Reply)

Nice!
Wow, I was actually crossing my fingers for the last few months that this question would be asked! Not that I have a great story, but I thought this topic would be great b3ta reading.

When I was 13, I was friends with this guy named Chris who really belonged in last week's question. His parents were divorced and he lived in his dad's basement. One night, he was awake late, and he heard his dad come down to the main floor. After a bit of shuffling around, his dad put on a porn tape and presumably got romantic with his hand. Now this would traumatise any normal person, but not Chris. His exact word as he lay in bed listening to his dad watch porn: "Bingo."

The next day he told me and our friend Joe about the tape. The two of them decided to skip the afternoon so they could go to Chris' house and find the porn. I was the good student so I waited for class to end before I hurried over.

When I got there, they'd spent the entire afternoon searching everywhere. Suddenly, Joe said "If I was your dad, where would I hide my porn? I'd put it up somewhere high where you couldn't accidentally see it." He reached on top of the grandfather clock and found a couple porn tapes.

Well we watched them, and I guess that part of the story doesn't matter. It turned out Chris would become belligerent whenever he saw a cunnilingus scene so he'd always fast-forward to the blowjobs. I don't recommend him for watching porn with.

That was the start of many good days where we'd go to Chris' house, watch porn for a while before his dad got home, and then switch it over to the rasslin'. Ah, youth.

As a side note, a few years later Chris moved in with his mom and her female roommate. He tells me, one time they were all sitting around when his mom's roommate said "Know what would be good right now? Some porn." Chris, 16 at the time, stood up and said "Give me 20 minutes!" And he watched porn with his mom and her roommate.
(racetraitor has an alibi for, Fri 26 Jan 2007, 5:47, Reply)

I think I was about 7

Looking through my mam and dad's room for a video, probably something like the Little Mermaid. Found a blank video, popped it into the VHS. Suddenly got very uncomfortable, as any 7 year old would at the sight of a man with his willy going in and out of a screaming girl's bottom. I put the video back and never mentioned it to my parents. I was a smart child, y'see.


*shudder*
( Kittenpants, Fri 26 Jan 2007, 5:37, Reply)

My first *brief* glimpse at pr0n...
...actually involved a desperate need to urinate, around age 7. The house I grew up in had 2 bathrooms, and as mum was using mine, I went through the kitchen, down the hall, through the parents' bedroom, opened the door to the bathroom, only to find my dad "getting the job done" to a mag lying open on the sink. All I remember is him yelling "I don't need your HELP." and me running off in fright, suddenly no longer needing to use the potty.
(WillF http://www.flickr.com/photos/silverfischdotnet/, Fri 26 Jan 2007, 4:36, Reply)

Toilet destruction porn
Back when I was 9-10ish one of the verminny kids at school brought in gentlemens relaxation pamphlet. Suddenly he was the most popular kid on the playground. I tried to force my way through the crowd to see the holy scriptures but could only catch a glimpse of what appeared to be a man with his tongue out (what for? wondered my innocent mind).

Anyway, bell rings and we all troop back into class. Next break there's an almighty crash. Teachers appear from everywhere and head to the toilets which were the source of noise. The boys bogs are now totally smashed to bits and being led out soaking wet, crying his eyes out sobbing "I'm sorry. I'm sorry." is the porn owning scratter. Turns out he'd tried to hide the mag behind one of the toilet cisterns and it had come away from the wall under his weight and fell onto the bowl thus wrecking both appliances. He was unhurt.

For some reasons our educators decided to show us the damage in pairs over the course of the rest of the day. As I looked over the piles of white rubble I could find no trace of the the mag and to this day still have no idea why the man had his tongue out. I had to wait another year or so before I stumbled upon a cousins jazz stash to discover my first real taste of porn. They were a lot hairier in them days.
( P45 Sent by my Bosch 509e in the year 2000, Fri 26 Jan 2007, 4:17, Reply)

Education
My first pron experience was when I was about 8 and some older kid showed me a pic from a mag. Nothing special there.

However, in our teens, my best mate and I were instrumental in providing 'first porn' experiences to loads of kids I am sure.

We used to go to the dodgy second-hand bookshop after school and buy a few stick books. Then we would go to the public library and put them in with the collection of Tintin and Asterix books. Similar size you see.

We never did hang about to see what happened but I am sure we traumatised many a child - and parent no doubt.

We also used to go to the pet shop and buy mice and walk through the carpark. Anyone who had left their car window down a little got a free mouse.

Quite altruistic really!
( enoughblueskyforsailorstrousers, Fri 26 Jan 2007, 3:59, Reply)

Getting ya in the mood
As previously posted

FRIGID FRANNY!

That was my nickname at school due to me going out with a boy there who would ignore me all day at school but come home time he would come up to me and ask if I would go to his house.

I had been going out with him for about 3 weeks when he asked me to go over his house, I went to his house and once in his bedroom he put on a porn film. I sat at the edge of the bed too scared to look at the screen and too scared to look at him so there I sat staring at the wall for about 25 mins whilst he watched this film, he would never say a word to me.

He would then turn it off and I would go home, then went on for about a week until he got his mate to dump me. Next thing I know Frigid Franny is my new name.

Still haunts me to this day!
(Fran, Fri 26 Jan 2007, 2:37, Reply)

dads backup cdr
when i was about 10 dad borrowed a (nearly magical in those days) cd writer, so he could backup and format his pc.

On that backup cd contained some homework that i needed occasionally so i had to find it.

I also found a directory of naked ladies.

A couple of years later we got the internets and thats when i started aquiring a collection.
( Slippery Mick ‏, Fri 26 Jan 2007, 2:37, Reply)

A guy i went to school with
once offered to sell me a couple of porn vids for a pack of fags or something. Naturally i agreed and took the vids home.

Later that night i put one of them on. Less than a minute later i turned it off and tried the other one. Less than a minute later i turned that one off.

The next day i went to school and whacked the cunt round the head for flogging me gay porn.

The question of how they came to be in his possession was never adequately answered.
(MrTrent cannot think of a clever sig., Fri 26 Jan 2007, 2:00, Reply)

the "real" thing
i had sneaked peeks at the old man's Playboys, with the cuties carefully posed so no pubes were visible - very hot in the 60's

one day i'm across the street at Jeff's - his neighbor is on a business trip and Jeff is watching the house - meaning Jeff has free run of the place

we go over and he digs out this book - "check this out" - holy crap! that girl has got WHAT in her mouth?

i mean, really, how can you not like that?

it remains my favorite subclass of the genre
(spiderplex, Fri 26 Jan 2007, 1:58, Reply)

oh my
first porn vid i saw was when i was about 16... i was up visiting my cousin and her and her were out one day. i was sitting in the living room about to play some nintendo 64, cause that was all they had to play. and you have to hook it up through the vcr to get it to play and there was a video in there, and you have to push play to get the game to go, so i pressed play and next thing i know there were ladies in scantily clad leather clothes... touchin' each other! i was like, uh oh... charlie must have left this in... later my cousin came home and i told her there was something of hers in the vcr. she went and got it, came out laughing. later that day, my other cousin came over... husbands had left on some camping trip... they thought it would be funny to lock me in the room with them while putting on some kind of hard core porn... it was not at all fun. looked like he was gonna break the poor girl... felt bad for her... i was raised with my mom and my sisters... that was my first time to see any male parts... im still worried, lol
(sammichofdoom, Fri 26 Jan 2007, 1:58, Reply)

Sex Education
My Dad in all his wisdom decided that porn was the ideal way to teach me about sex. This involved him throwing a video at me and telling me to watch it and save any questions 'til the end.

Whilst I had no specific problems with this method I personally think he could've made a better choice with the particular title that he used.

Still, if he wanted me as a 12-year old to believe that fisting lesbians and watersports were the norm then he did a damn fine job. I salute you sir.

And so began a long career of porn.
(BringOutYourDead Bi-polar, the sexually adventurous bear, Fri 26 Jan 2007, 1:46, Reply)

This is a story a friend of mine told me.
I've often thought the story may have been exaggerated or perhaps an outright lie, but I'll tell it anyway.

Anyway... Lindsey, a childhood friend of mine, once told me about her first experience of porn, and what it caused her to do afterwards.

The story starts when she was at her babysitters, aged 8. Her babysitter was a 14 year old lad who did all kinds of odd jobs for Lindsey's mother, who was a single window and had been since a few months after Lindsey's birth.

Anywho, Lindsey is playing with her favourite toy when Leeroy the babysitter asks her "would you like to see something that show you how to be a grown up lady?"

Naively she agrees. Leeroy puts a casette into the machine and hits play, and on comes the video. She described it to me as follows:

"A woman is kneeling in the middle of a room. She's got a bra on and nothing else. She's rubbing herself and making all kinds of moaning noises. The camera zooms in on her face, and as the shot gets close, something comes in from the side of the screen. It's long and pink with a funny shaped end. The woman then starts sucking it. She seems to enjoy sucking it very much, and makes all kinds of noises."

It was them she stopped watching.

Anyway, that was the first part of her story. The second part comes a year later in her childhood. She was looking for some fresh batteries for some toy she had, and she was rummaging around various drawers in the house. After exhausting all other options she decided to go into the forbidden drawer... her mother's bedside drawer. She'd always wondered what was in there, and figured this was a good time to find out. She she opened it up and started digging around. It's mostly papers, trinkets and other stuff that no kid would be interested in. Oh, and something else. A long, pink squishy thing that looked just like the thing the lady was sucking on in Leeroy's video. Lindsey surmised that this is how young women become mature ladies... by sucking on these weird thingies.

Being a typical young preteen girl, she was very anxious to be a responsible grown up lady... so every time she had the chance, she would sneak into her mother's room and.... I'll leave the rest to your imagination.
( MarkyH feels like the H in Bob Hoskins' name, Fri 26 Jan 2007, 1:33, Reply)

Good old Dad
Found it behind the whiskey bottles in his drinks cabinet when I was about 10. A blank-looking video tape that contained some ropey 70s grot-flick. Everytime my parents left the house after that that puppy would be straight in the video player. Can't tell how scared I was of it somehow getting stuck in there though.

Anyway, the discovery of said video at such a tender age left me in shock that my old man was such a grubby git. Of course this eventually wore off, at least until the time I came back to visit from Uni and found one of my old porn mags in his drawer. Oh Dad...
(thejuicydangler, Fri 26 Jan 2007, 1:26, Reply)

The first time I saw a stiff nob on screen
was when I saw Roger Moore in Live and Let Die.
(Fatima Whitbread's hardon drugs and the causes of drugs, Fri 26 Jan 2007, 1:03, Reply)

White piss?
My first experience was when I was about 11, and I downloaded a short video on my 28.8k modem at my dad's house. I was wondering why the guy expelled squirts of white piss onto the woman's chest. The video was 1.52MB so I couldn't fit it on a floppy diskette to take it to show my friends.

I've since discovered file spanning, which has been most useful for storing whole porn films on 522 diskettes.
(StrongBad =! strong% AND StrongBad =! bad%: StrongBad = 1/0, Fri 26 Jan 2007, 1:01, Reply)